To want a wife?

[MyOtherUsernameisaPun]

I love my DH. I really do. But just now and then I wish I was married to someone who did for me half of the emotional labour I do for him. All the work that's just seen as woman's work, so that men don't feel they have to reciprocate?

Some emotional Labour I wish my spouse would do:

Replying to texts on HIS family whatsapp so that my MIL and FIL dont start texting me separately asking for responses to things they've asked him

Meal planning so that it's not always me having to come up with ideas and so that he can't then wriggle out of cooking because he 'doesn't know' how to cook what I planned

Thinking about what clothes we are both going to need for specific events in the immediate future that he knows about and washing those clothes instead of random clothes

Realising what housework needs done without having to be told every time

Filling the car with petrol before bringing it home instead of steering into the drive on fumes and leaving it to me to panic about not having enough to get to the station the next morning when I'm usually in a rush

I feel like a massive nag so I'm writing here instead of having a go at him! Please make me feel better by sharing with me the things you wish your partner would do for you without needing specific instructions

Fission my experience is that you end up putting your foot down and fighting again and again for them to take up some of the responsibility.
For things to change, it takes years of putting your foot down because as soon as you stop taking your eyes of the ball, it reverts back to what it was.
So yes after years to insisting H took some responsibility, he has taken some. The dcs are now teens so I’ve just spend their whole childhood raising them AND putting my foot down AND dealing with the crap that comes with H actually not quite stepping up or doing things badly (incl the fall out from telling him that he had messed up).
It’s exhausting.
If I was to do things again, I would have given up much sooner (when the dcs were still really little) because the reality is that
1- actually no, the idea that youwnill end up divorced isn’t enough for them to get yo their backside and change. You just have to see the number of women who get divorced just because of that.
2- Just putting your foot down and making it your problem rather than his means you are still the one to make all the efforts, all the running around and iwth very little effect (see point 1-)

How deeply unattractive to have to spoonfeed life tasks to another adult. I'd struggle to have any respect or interest in a man or woman who behaved like this.

I'm also lolling at the argument about considering tasks like fixing the broken router and recaulking the bath, as evidence of equal labour. Since when were they done every week - like grocery shopping, housework and laundry?

then most of us would be single

Then most of us would be a shit load happier! It’s possible to survive without a man you know!

There are a zilllion women out there who enable these lazy tossers and seem to enjoy whining about it afterwards. Some of my so-called mates are married to them. If that's your thing, great. If not, it's quite easy to rectify. Don't cook any of his meals, wash any of his clothes, make any arrangements with any of his family or do any housework that is for his benefit. Ideally get a second cheap car so you never have to fill his. There will be some complaints from him but unless you've done all these things, have you really tried?

For cleaning just make your life easier and give him a list of jobs “evening kitchen wipe down” “Clothing load in every Friday eve and hanging sat night... folding and put away sat morning” et

So in otherwords the OP should do the planning?

I hate these threads because inevitably every poster will #namalt when in fact actually yes, most men are like that. That's why that whole feminism thing came about in the first place. The OP isn't saying men are like that by nature. Or that it's the natural order of things. Just that it would be nice to have a partner who did half the work.

OP I'd say most of my female friends are feminists and most of them would admit they still do the majority of the "wife work", why? Because if they don't they will still end up doing it but also have extra hassle of doing it late, when it's got too messy or cleaning up the mess of the bills etc being paid late.

Non feminsits I know will claim to have totally "equal" relationships where I and anyone with eyes can see they really do not. The baby cries, they get it. The kids needs dressing, the picnic needs packing, the dishwasher needs turning on dinner needs doing etc. They just do it and don't consider that they they are doing more.

If it were true every poster had a TOTALLY EQUAL relationship on this thread, feminism would be dead, we've won the war, we can all go home to our organic cooked by dh dinners.

But you must have had some pretty big clues as to what his attitude was before you got serious with your partner Tambien? Did you not talk about how the household would run? About parenting?
Why would you not have made it clear and refused to accept anything other than an equal partnership before having children? If from he beginning you had put your foot down then I doubt a man would continue with such behaviour.

Also half the threads on MN would go poof as they're often about husbands who do fuck all.

Sounds like my husband.
I became disabled about 3 years ago and now can't do all the running about enabling I used to. All that's really changed is that's him and my son take it in turns to cook their dinner. (I am on a special diet so do my own mostly.)
They still ask about 50% of the time what's for dinner.
They don't clean very much at all. I'm not able to so the house is a pig sty. I refuse to keep telling them that jobs need done nowadays. It's just frustrating. Waiting ages for a job to be done and when they do it it's often half assed.
We have 2 food bins in the kitchen now. I'd ask dh to take it out and it'd take him so long to do it(even with reminding,) that I'd have about half a bag full of food waste accumulated in a bag on the kitchen counter by the time he took it out. Drove me nuts, so I got a 2nd bin rather than use my energy reminding him multiple times to do it.
Dh also used to expect an award or at least a round of applause when he did shit like clean the shower. I had a massive strop when he was waiting for praise for cleaning a sink. Pointing out that these are all jobs that I used to do with no thanks when I was well and it pisses me off that he thinks he's doing something "nice for me." when he cleans.
They are getting better...very slowly....I mean 3 years and they still don't quite get it.

Wife and Husband are old words that did not use to mean simply "spouse" as they do now.

A Wife is closer to what we would call a housekeeper - and every house needs one of those. (Of course unless you are rich someone has to do that job either exclusively or as a jobshare)

Husband was the manager who looked after the property and the stores, who managed the resources. The husbandry of the home or business included accounts, replacing and repairing buildings and equipment.

We still need someone to do that job too.

Rich people employ someone. Agian we have to share the roles out between members of the family if we cannot afford to outsource.

You enable this laziness.

No, no, no she doesn't.

How many of you would be lazy feckless cows if your partner "let" you?

I wouldn't. It's not her fault.

She's been told this is her fault he is like this and a million other ways she can do the wife work to enable him to help. Like a child. This is the fucking issue. It's always a woman's work, even when it's getting a man to work.

The reality is that the U.K. is one of the most misogynistic country (in the top 5) and it shows.

Er, what? More misogynistic than countries where women are required to wear various degrees of shroudery just to leave the house? Than countries where a woman on her own/ out after dark is expressly considered to be inviting rape - or at the least of poor character? Than countries where a girl with unmutilated genitals is considered to be unclean?

Utter bollocks.

Agree Sprogletsmuvva

I put my foot down with my ex. I still did all the cleaning and anything that benefited me or ds, but stopped doing his laundry, making him a separate meal for when he got home from work late, taking calls from his mother (so he'd have to deal with her himself). I stopped trying to have meaningful conversations with him (I was just sick of repeating myself). I'm glad I did, but he saw it as me not caring about him anymore/giving up on the relationship, and cheated on me. Which was the end of us (then he gave me a hiding for daring to tell people he was a cheating rat/throwing him out).

I do think when you stop babying these men, they often just move on. I'm just glad ex and I weren't married! Divorce must be a nightmare. I wanted to be married once, but now I think I'd rather be single and dating, than anyone's "wife".

You don't need a wife, you need a husband who pulls his weight. They DO exist.

as for why do I put up with it, which is probably the same reason as other people put up with it:

mainly he is interesting, funny, caring and does other chores instead like a lot of the driving or running a club the kids attend. If I was going to chose someone to have a nice evening out with - it would be him. I simply don't like other people as much.

and partly because if we separated Id still be cleaning the toilet and sorting out the birthday parties, and remembering dentists but under greater financial pressure as the money we have at the moment runs one home and not two.

my wife couldn't remember to put things directly into the dishwasher if her life depended on it. drives me mad

or Hoover.

I want a wife too! Truth is it's just easier, quicker and cheaper if we'll do it all ourselves ladies. I've tried once, asked DH to plan & book holidays. Big mistake. He did, a month in advance, we paid much more for everything then we should and we would if I'd book the holidays.

In our household I plan everything: from buying cards for father's day (for his dad) to making sure we're getting the right/cost efficient boiler for the right quote.
I know I can get exact what I want (because I plan & buy) but sometimes I wish he'd taken a lead and control and do it efficiently!

'so what's for dinner?'

I had a wife. Kind of. He did loads of housework (wanted praise and still not as much as me), planned stuff, paid bills, was really tied.

But he cheated on me!

I get your point Shamelessly. Then maybe she has to get a bit cleverer and just let him inconvenience himself. Let him wash his own clothes for a start, or turn up in creased stale clothes. No-one except for cavemen would blame his wife. Tell the family to try him again instead of dictating his replies for him. When he comes home ask him to go out, check the petrol and go to the petrol station if it's low. Alternate shopping/cooking weeks so that everything is under his control and he doesn't have to worry about using up tomorrows chicken. (Or just accept that tight meal planning and cooking is best done by the person who planned it and he does the dishes and the casual weekend cooking?) But there must be some ways to reduce frustrations.

I'm sure she's still around - who is the poster who "trained" up her husband by getting him to say fuck you to her every time she found a plate by the side of the sink waiting for the washing up fairy, or the towel on the bathroom floor waiting for the laundry fairy? She got him to verbalize the disrespect he was showing her, and he stopped.

And he does stand to lose more from a divorce than from being fired. But stupid men never realize it until it's way too late and then you have a (divorced because selfish, lazy, and took her for granted) male friend crying his eyes out on your sofa because he found out his ex's boyfriend read his kid a bedtime story. For example.

You dont need a wife to do those things.

My is fully capable of responding to messages on his family chat.

He can fill up fuel...he has to. We own our own cars .

He is a fully functioning adult and can work out what he'll wear events. He may ask what I'm wearing...so we can match up...or he may ask my opinion if his outfit.

You enable this laziness. I'm sure he responds to and actions tasks at work just fine.

Pretty much this ^^

My husband and I both work full time and he does his fair share of everything, so it’s not a 50s wife you need but a partner - and a big boot to kick hubby up the bum as he is more than capable of doing his share. I do v much appreciate it’s hard, when likely his own upbringing conditioned him into his current mindset, to shake him out of it! Lots of deep-set behaviours to un-do isn’t easy and can be soooo frustrating to deal with. Totally also understand the decision to ‘just do X yourself’ as it’s less hassle in short term - but it doesn’t solve the problem in the long run. I have real sympathy too for folk whose partners don’t do anything without being ‘nagged’ (god I loathe that word - wouldn’t need to ‘nag’ if they just did it off their own backs would they - not like they don’t have functioning eyes to see same things needing done!).

I do loads of ‘men’s’ DIY as hubby was never taught anything DIY growing up (I was under my cot with my dad’s spanner’s!) he watches me and then tries them next time himself with supervision then off he goes enthusiastic with new skills (made mistake of buying him a power washer - he’s obsessed with the damn thing now but at least car gets washed regularly - had to have a word when he decided the house needed a bath too however and windows decided to leak...). I have always been crap at ironing, useless at gardening, don’t like answering the phone (I’m a weird fish) - but he’s helped me improve.

I’m due our first baby in a few months so he’s been taking on more of late as I’ve been v ill, but then I’ll probably take on more ‘women’s’ household chores for the period I’m on maternity as i’ll be in more.

I feel v lucky with my hubby, the rights and opportunities I have in the UK, and also our parents who taught us both to view each other as a person with equal value. Not everyone is so lucky, although I hope one day we will be.

It comes down to the fact that the vast majority of women will not allow their children to suffer merely to make a point to their lazy partner.

Then it comes down to the fact that many women are married to men who WILL allow their children to suffer.

Why are you married to such men, again?

In the vast majority of cases, Distance, women don't marry such men from the off. It is a pervasive form of checking out of family life; much like the boiling frog analogy. It becomes increasingly apparent that the husband just isn't pulling his weight equally. Therefore your "Why are you married to such men" comment rather glibly overlooks the issue.

"Why marry such men?"

Well obviously when you both meet as individuals in your 20s and you've never lived together, it's not blatantly obvious.

It's not a case of a lazy DH - it's more that structural norms are reinforced through family structures. So, for instance, at family events etc, women tend to gravitate and socialise in the kitchen area. The men are served tea and food but it's not the done thing for them to get involved in food preparation or clearing away. So when relatives come to your house, the DH being involved in cooking or serving food is seen as rude and odd.

Also if you have a husband who works a lot more than "normal" hours, he's not physically there to do housework, even if willing. So it's easy to see how patterns evolve.