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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a wife?

191 replies

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 10/06/2018 21:56

I love my DH. I really do. But just now and then I wish I was married to someone who did for me half of the emotional labour I do for him. All the work that's just seen as woman's work, so that men don't feel they have to reciprocate?

Some emotional Labour I wish my spouse would do:

Replying to texts on HIS family whatsapp so that my MIL and FIL dont start texting me separately asking for responses to things they've asked him

Meal planning so that it's not always me having to come up with ideas and so that he can't then wriggle out of cooking because he 'doesn't know' how to cook what I planned

Thinking about what clothes we are both going to need for specific events in the immediate future that he knows about and washing those clothes instead of random clothes

Realising what housework needs done without having to be told every time

Filling the car with petrol before bringing it home instead of steering into the drive on fumes and leaving it to me to panic about not having enough to get to the station the next morning when I'm usually in a rush

I feel like a massive nag so I'm writing here instead of having a go at him! Please make me feel better by sharing with me the things you wish your partner would do for you without needing specific instructions

OP posts:
LightAsTheBreeze · 11/06/2018 08:05

Actually DH always does the dinner also

LightAsTheBreeze · 11/06/2018 08:11

I suppose it also matters what else you do. I only work 2 days whereas DH has to work 4 days so I have 2 extra free time days to him. DS has left home so no DC

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 11/06/2018 08:21

don't you mean partner? Not WIFE? Wtf has that word got to do with someone who doesn't get any help because the person doesn't have a WIFE? Do wives have specific roles as in all child care and domestic stuff. Like every day life that a family requires? And not the df?

It seems obvious to me that the OP means “wife” sarcastically. She has a husband who doesn’t appear to understand being an equal partner, so she’s thinking maybe a wife would be a better option instead.

I don’t think the OP believes that domestic roles belong exclusively to wives. She’s frustrated that her husband seems to be of that opinion.

As for the clothes-planning, I’m pretty sure that the OP means something like they (or kids) need certain clothes on certain days (like work uniforms or sports gear) but when her husband does the laundry he just chucks a bunch of random clothes in the washer instead of thinking “MyOtherUsername needs her work uniform for tomorrow and the kids need their soccer gear, so I’ll wash those instead of a bunch of my underpants and some towels.” Not that the OP decides what her husband is going to wear to dinner with the in laws on Saturday night.

Mrsramsayscat · 11/06/2018 08:24

I became so fed up at one stage when I was younger that I moved into the spare bedroom and stayed there until things changed for more than a week.

Theleftparing · 11/06/2018 08:45

It's extraordinary how after I divorced my husband for all of the above he now cooks, cleans and runs his house and our children perfectly when they are with him.

VladmirsPoutine · 11/06/2018 08:56

I honestly couldn't be dealing with this. I know it's not as easy as 'just leave the bastard' as that brings with itself another different type of chaos and instability. I also understand that it means things not being done and everyone else losing out as a result. I sympathise. Rock and hard place spring to mind.

drspouse · 11/06/2018 08:59

I have a husband that does most of that. Meal planning consists of me planning my days and leaving blanks for him. Though we do tend to get pizza/bolognese/sausages.
He's way more likely to remember to fill the car (and has no relatives).

drspouse · 11/06/2018 09:01

Though when I was single I did want a wife. I remember an older male colleague asking me why I had to stay in for a delivery and why I didn't have anyone that could do that for me.

BillywilliamV · 11/06/2018 09:05

I write the shopping list, he shops; I sort out his Dad's 80th birthday, he books holidays; I do 4 loads of washing. he mends a leaky sink. We divide tasks according to inclination and abiliry, noone is being exploited. Its traditional and it works.

ExecutiveDiamondBossBabeHun · 11/06/2018 09:09

Oops I do both the cooking thing and he petrol thing Blush it's not just men. I also refuse to ask for directions Grin I do do all the birthdays and family arranging though and am also in sole charge of all money. It seems to work for us... except the petrol thing. That drives DH nuts Grin

Theleftparing · 11/06/2018 09:10

Except that a holiday is once a year, a leaky tap once in a blue moon. Laundry is every day.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 11/06/2018 09:17

Of course, when a man can't be bothered thinking far ahead enough to leave petrol for his wife the next day, or constantly foot-drags on housework because he "doesn't realise it needs doing" it's because she's a martyr. hmm

No it’s because he’s a manchild with no respect for his partner. Her posting online whingeing about it with no intention of actually doing anything about it is because she is a martyr.

zaeem18 · 11/06/2018 09:20

In this house my DH will get his own drinks etc but he's never cooked. Although I have help in the form of a cleaner a few times a week, I do take care of the house, get his clothes sorted and ready and he never thinks about laundry or shopping.

The flip side is, I have time for this stuff because I don't work and he's never suggested I should think about doing so, even though the DC are in school. He deals with all car related stuff, bills, finances, insurance, DIY-related issues, plus works very long hours inc travel. So although it's a traditional balance, it's still a balance.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 11/06/2018 09:22

It's all very well to say, "Just don't put up with it," "stop being a martyr," etc. My husband is from a culture where men wouldn't generally enter the kitchen unless it was on fire or something.

You knew this when you married him? Or he was a stranger?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 11/06/2018 09:29

Books holidays? Christ alive! What an arduous, highly skilled task thats essential to the daily running of the family home. It takes all of 30 minutes to book a holiday online. Hmm

Tambien · 11/06/2018 09:32

I want a wife too.
One that will think about the dcs and their needs.
One that will plan ahead about their birthday, their upsets, school, new clothes because they have grown so much etc etc.
One that will after the emotional needs of the family, of the ones of each dc, of my own emotional needs.
One that will facilitate me working and will support me

Yep I’m totally with you there OP

PhilODox · 11/06/2018 09:34

Excellent posts from shamelessly and LOUISA Thanks

It comes down to the fact that the vast majority of women will not allow their children to suffer merely to make a point to their lazy partner.

Do you seriously think your children will not suffer if they're sent to school in the same dirty uniform for a week? If their hair hasn't been brushed properly for a fortnight? If they're being fed on takeaway instead of three square meals a day? If they're put to bed late because someone that's never bathed them doesn't allow for how long it takes to put three infant-aged children in the tub?

Tambien · 11/06/2018 09:35

Of course, when a man can't be bothered thinking far ahead enough to leave petrol for his wife the next day, or constantly foot-drags on housework because he "doesn't realise it needs doing" it's because she's a martyr. hmm

I’m not sure the word martyr is the best one, even though yes women do end up in that position.
I think women do it because society has taught us that was our role.
However, it’s important to note that, if we were all refusing men who act like this, then most of us would be single because that’s certainly the default behaviour for men in the uk.

Tambien · 11/06/2018 09:40

And YY about the fact women do a lot of those things because there is no way they will the dcs to be hurt in the process.
Also probably why there is a change in the ‘balance’ when the woman has her first child and many many men seem to revert back to the 1950s.

I certainly saw that with H.

The reality is that the U.K. is one of the most misogynistic country (in the top 5) and it shows.

Emmasmum2013 · 11/06/2018 09:42

Why do these types of threads always descend into a general survey about what you and your husband do around the house?

What do some people want? A medal??

OP, I think you need to out your foot down more. You must know that your behaviour enables him.

Emmasmum2013 · 11/06/2018 09:42

put your foot down more

FissionChips · 11/06/2018 09:43

My husband is from a culture where men wouldn't generally enter the kitchen unless it was on fire or something. It's not to say he's lazy in general, but roles are much more defined and you're up against a much more rigid set of expectations. There is the flip side too in that there is no pressure on the wife in other ways, but what I mean is that it's by no means as straightforward as some people seem to think

Rubbish, Me and DH are form different cultures and completely different social classes; he grew up with staff, went to boarding school etc. Still he manages not to see me as a skivvy, still he takes an equal responsibility for the shit that needs doing.
It’s really not difficult for men to see and trey their partners as equal, most just don’t want to because it suits them fine to have you running around.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 11/06/2018 09:44

i want a wife. you want to share...? Mothers do too much for their sons, this creates useless men. It's doomed.

Truly living abroad is great when you can get a great domestic assistant. I had so many, I loved loved loved these women. They saw me through many good and bad times. Also house was immaculate, clothes were ironed perfectly and cupboards at 90 degrees. Also someone to have a cuppa with and connect about shared and different cultures. I learnt so much about food, making jams, ointments, teas, baking.

You don't need a husband, you need a job abroad- :)

FissionChips · 11/06/2018 09:44

However, it’s important to note that, if we were all refusing men who act like this, then most of us would be single because that’s certainly the default behaviour for men in the uk

Why wouldn’t it cause men to actually buck up?

WickedLazy · 11/06/2018 09:44

I'm single, and I sometimes think it would be nice to have an old fashioned 50's housewife to keep me right. She could do all the cooking, dishes, cleaning, laundry, carry the mental load of shopping, meal planning, appointments, reminding me about birthdays etc. And it's 2018 so she could even get a part time job, so I'd only have to pay half of everything, and would still have loads left over for myself. I could bung her the odd £50 or £100 for stuff for ds or the house. My day would be get up, get fed put on clothes she laid out ironed and all, go to work, come home, be fed again, then do whatever I want until the next day. Not to mention the things she'd do for me in the bedroom, that I wouldn't have to bother reciprocating.

In reality, like a pp I'd feel terribly guilty if I had a wife. Some men must see women as subhuman. Like slaves :( It's harder to find a man that doesn't expect at least some of the shit above, than I'd have thought 10 years ago, when I was still a teen. I did a lot of wife work for my ex, never again (his mother does his laundry and shit now, and he doesn't even live with her, he lives with a male relative).