To want a wife?

[MyOtherUsernameisaPun]

I love my DH. I really do. But just now and then I wish I was married to someone who did for me half of the emotional labour I do for him. All the work that's just seen as woman's work, so that men don't feel they have to reciprocate?

Some emotional Labour I wish my spouse would do:

Replying to texts on HIS family whatsapp so that my MIL and FIL dont start texting me separately asking for responses to things they've asked him

Meal planning so that it's not always me having to come up with ideas and so that he can't then wriggle out of cooking because he 'doesn't know' how to cook what I planned

Thinking about what clothes we are both going to need for specific events in the immediate future that he knows about and washing those clothes instead of random clothes

Realising what housework needs done without having to be told every time

Filling the car with petrol before bringing it home instead of steering into the drive on fumes and leaving it to me to panic about not having enough to get to the station the next morning when I'm usually in a rush

I feel like a massive nag so I'm writing here instead of having a go at him! Please make me feel better by sharing with me the things you wish your partner would do for you without needing specific instructions

An interesting read, I think:

She Divorced Me Because I Left the Dishes by the Sink

www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html?guccounter=1

If it's just a matter of putting something off the countertop, then leave it there, or don't complain if your family get used to your always doing it.

Obviously it's not just items on the countertop, but gosh, I am sorry that I'm not getting divorced fast enough for Mumsnet's tastes.

Here was me thinking I could walk a delicate balance of getting myself into a better financial position so that I will be an acceptable solo mortgage risk for the bank, while making a last-ditch attempt at solving issues, while waiting for the kids to get secure places in a decent school in the hope that they can keep them, and monitoring one of the kids' grandparents' very poor health before facing the disruption of losing the family home that the kids have always lived in, possibly moving away from all their friends, and being forced to be away from my kids every week.

Mustn't let slip a word of complaint in the interim though, as it's clearly my own fault for "enabling" behaviour that was in no way apparent prior to the arrival of children.

Yes I’ve read that before I think. Good read.

It’s the motivation isn’t it. Getting why clearing dishes away is important. Do men see it as just mundane unimportant crap?

My ExDH who was tidy, and cleaned his dishes, and hoovered, washed clothes, cleaned up, emptied bins, sorted all bills. It was like walking into the Carlsberg Advert! And it was so attractive! I actually felt light on my feet. Home was a peaceful haven.

Pity he was a cheating asshole I’ll never find another co cleaner!

@shameless I do get why it’s not so black and white.

It’s the wider cultural enabling that for me makes the biggest impact, families, work, friends, groups. A shift. One to one battling is quite tough. And like my first Ex, doesn’t mean a thing he didn’t change one bit just went straight onto the next!

ShamelesslyPlacemarking, I don't anyone on here is telling you what to do with your life.

I don't think it matters about who does what task as such, it's more about a general feeling of resentment that builds up. Although I admit I'm responsible for all the cooking / shopping / laundry in this house, I certainly wouldn't be doing all this if he was lounging in the sofa all day. Or if I was out at work as well. When I think about it, my DH has successfully absolved himself of any domestic responsibilities by virtue of having me at home and a cleaner. In these circumstances, it's difficult to ask him to do anything when he's home. I guess some women wouldn't put up with that, even so? Maybe I'm more brainwashed than I realise. It's hard to see the wood for the trees, quite often and this is why such habits persist as well.

Some was asking earlier on why o got married and had children with someone who refused to take on the responsibility for HW etc... the same way I did.
That’s simple. He wasn’t like that before having dcs.
Actually before dc1 was born, we even established that we would take it in turn to get up during the night, even during my ML.

But as soon as I had our first child, things changed. I was at home you see, so able to do all the hw, cooking etc... and then reallynthat was my role as a woman (yes from a man who told me after just a few weeks going out together that I was clearly a feminist -so he knew what my position was- a man who also told me he thought women being SAHM were the ‘norm’ form a man whose mum has always been working all her life -she was a farmer!).

So yep. Things aren’t always obvious before you have children.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking, I don't anyone on here is telling you what to do with your life.

Numerous posters throughout the thread have repeated the idea that unless you leave a man who doesn't pull his weight with the housework then you are "enabling" him and should shut up. No one likes a complaining woman, right?

It's no wonder the OP hasn't bothered to come back – she was clearly venting frustration and hoping for a bit of empathy and was instead met with pages of people telling her she's made her own bed and asking why she's still lying in it.

Thinking about what clothes we are both going to need

This is very odd. He is not a child.

Thinking about what clothes we are both going to need

This is very odd. He is not a child.

She's not talking about dressing him.

She means that when she does the washing, she thinks about whether they need stuff like clean work uniforms or sports gear or a particular shirt for a special event in the next couple of days, and makes sure they go through the wash.

Whereas when he does the washing, he just chucks whatever items are closest to hand into the washer, leaving the unwashed uniforms or sports gear in the basket, and causing a drama on the day when it's discovered that the needed clothes are still dirty.

Indeed shamelessly, it is always the women's fault, for enabling him, for not leaving soon enough, for not showing /telling him what to do.

I totally get the spirit of the OP and its a phrase I heard my sister use a lot in the past. But yes, since having dc it has been a marathon struggle to get logisitics back to being a shared thing. It starts insidiously, I think, with wedding planning (seems shared...then not so much), pregnancy and midwife appointments, then bam you’re the default parent and the family logistics co-ordinator. You’re so organised and amazing, you’re on fire, meal planning and socialising and running the baby group. And then it keeps going and keeps going and the things that made you amazing early on are just drudge work now, and your oh does not have to pay any attention to it unless he wants to, at which point he gets feted for it. I’m really glad for all those people posting above who don’t recognise this, truly, but I also relate to this massively.

Stop doing his washing. If he doesn't have clean clothes he'll start working out how to use the machine. You're down a job and he's the only one who will suffer.

Stop managing his relationships with his family.

You need to find ways of dialling back your work on things where if he can't be arsed he loses out, not you.

Numerous posters throughout the thread have repeated the idea that unless you leave a man who doesn't pull his weight with the housework then you are "enabling" him and should shut up. No one likes a complaining woman, right?

If you do that, you ARE enabling him. But then it's up to the person in question. Everyone is responsible for their own life.

If you do that, you ARE enabling him. But then it's up to the person in question. Everyone is responsible for their own life.

If I do what? Not file for divorce instantly? Must be nice to live in world where divorce is feasible the second you realise there’s a serious issue in your relationship, and if you don’t immediately proceed with it you’re “an enabler”.

Indeed shamelessly, it is always the women's fault, for enabling him, for not leaving soon enough, for not showing /telling him what to do

Of course it is. Or it’s her fault because she asked him in the wrong tone of voice, or at the wrong time.

Or she’s a nag and controlling and her standards are too high.

Or she didn’t thank him enough after he did it.

Or gave him the tasks he didn’t like. Or let him chose his own tasks.

Or reminded him. Or didn’t remind him.

Or showed him how to do it. Or didn’t show him how to do it.

Or wrote out a list. Or didn’t, so how could he remember?

Whatever, it’s always her fault.