To want a wife?

[MyOtherUsernameisaPun]

I love my DH. I really do. But just now and then I wish I was married to someone who did for me half of the emotional labour I do for him. All the work that's just seen as woman's work, so that men don't feel they have to reciprocate?

Some emotional Labour I wish my spouse would do:

Replying to texts on HIS family whatsapp so that my MIL and FIL dont start texting me separately asking for responses to things they've asked him

Meal planning so that it's not always me having to come up with ideas and so that he can't then wriggle out of cooking because he 'doesn't know' how to cook what I planned

Thinking about what clothes we are both going to need for specific events in the immediate future that he knows about and washing those clothes instead of random clothes

Realising what housework needs done without having to be told every time

Filling the car with petrol before bringing it home instead of steering into the drive on fumes and leaving it to me to panic about not having enough to get to the station the next morning when I'm usually in a rush

I feel like a massive nag so I'm writing here instead of having a go at him! Please make me feel better by sharing with me the things you wish your partner would do for you without needing specific instructions

Stop doing all that for him. Just stop. You are making this situation possible. Stop enabling him.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking because op suggests it. OP wishes to have a wife

If the OP's husband doesn't pull his weight, and the OP "stops mothering him", she and the kids end up with unwashed clothes/living in a dirty house. Their children don't get birthday presents from their PIL because her OH couldn't be bothered engaging in the conversation (guessing it's something like this). OP is late for work because she has to stop unexpectedly to fill an empty car. OP and the kids end up with no dinner or her OH spends money they don't have on takeaways because he can't be bothered to cook.

For a while. After a couple of weeks of takeaways and dirty clothes, there is no option but to shape up.

Wives, very sadly, sometimes die. Leaving widowers and children behind.

Guess what, most widowed fathers manage to deal with their households and children.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking because op suggests it. OP wishes to have a wife

Hmmm, see cause I read that as the OP wishing to have a partner who is capable of seeing what needs to be done around the house and just getting on with it without being nagged, who gives a little forethought to choices that affect other people, and who manages the demands of their own external family... just like she does as a wife.

I don't read "subservient" anywhere there.

Read the thread title
ShamelesslyPlacemarking
Subservient is not in quotes, that's my word. Define wife then, because op has coined it, wishing to have one.

”the OP's husband doesn't pull his weight, and the OP "stops mothering him", she and the kids end up with unwashed clothes/living in a dirty house. Their children don't get birthday presents from their PIL because her OH couldn't be bothered engaging in the conversation (guessing it's something like this). OP is late for work because she has to stop unexpectedly to fill an empty car. OP and the kids end up with no dinner or her OH spends money they don't have on takeaways because he can't be bothered to cook”

“For a while. After a couple of weeks of takeaways and dirty clothes, there is no option but to shape up”

It’s not really that simple is it ? These men have develop their very clever strategies over decades, you are naive to think they will give up after two weeks and that only they will suffer.

The WIFE will get phones calls and letters of complaint from the school because the children are late to arrive.

SHE will get threats that the children will lose their nursery place or SHE will be fined because HE was late for pick up

SHE will have to leave work to take PE kit or other forgotten item to school

SHE will look bad at work / face disciplinary action for being late because HE didn’t fill up the car.

The children will Cry to HER because they missed a birthday party because HE didn’t check the school bag for the invitation. Or because they are embarrassed to turn up without a gift because HE didn’t buy one.

HER children will sob because they didn’t get selected for the team / play because HE missed the audition / trial.

Or because they were the only one with no parents there because HE didn’t fill in the form for tickets and they were all sold out.

Or because they missed the school trip because HE didn’t fill in the permission slip .

SHE will worry because the house isn’t insured because HE didn’t do the paperwork.

SHE will get into arrears with the rent / mortgage / gas / electricity / council tax when HE doesn’t pay the bills.

SHE will have to cut back on things for the kids because HE spent the spare housekeeping money on take aways.

SHE will be criticised when they miss a family wedding when HE didn’t reply.

SHE will feel bad when the kids have nothing to wear to special events because HE didn’t check that last years party outfit still fits.

The dentist will complain to HER when the kids have fillings because HE didn’t make them brush their teeth . Or maybe the kids won’t go to the check up anyway because HE didn’t bother to make the appointments .

Of course he won’t know anyway because the dentist sends the reminders to HER.

And the kids won’t get the NHS orthodontic treatment they need because of poor dental hygiene. But hey ho, who cares because she’s not been “ an enabler “ or “ put up with it “.

I had someone who worked for me as a "wife" for 2 years. She changed my life. Literally. I now have an amazing husband, but my god we all miss her.

It's all very well to say, "Just don't put up with it," "stop being a martyr," etc. My husband is from a culture where men wouldn't generally enter the kitchen unless it was on fire or something. It's not to say he's lazy in general, but roles are much more defined and you're up against a much more rigid set of expectations. There is the flip side too in that there is no pressure on the wife in other ways, but what I mean is that it's by no means as straightforward as some people seem to think.

Read "Wifework" by Susan Maushart and think about if you're happy being with someone like this for the rest of your life. Have you talked to him about how you're doing all the emotional labour of the relationship? He's useless because you allow it and because there are no consequences to his uselessness.

Subservient is not in quotes, that's my word. Define wife then, because op has coined it, wishing to have one.

Yes, I realise that you regard the word "wife" as meaning "a subservient person" but I don't know where you're getting it from.

The "wife" that the OP says she wants sounds to me like an equal partner, someone capable of both taking responsibility for themselves (like she does, as a wife) and thinking about ways to make life smoother and more pleasant for their partner (like she does, as a wife).

Nowhere do I see her asking for someone subservient to do her drudge-work because she can't be fucked to do it herself. She just wants a grown-up capable of giving consideration to others and taking responsibility for themselves. Hence, "a wife". Is that clear now?

AMEN @L0UISA

For a while. After a couple of weeks of takeaways and dirty clothes, there is no option but to shape up.

I once did an experiment where I deliberately didn't put away a certain item that was left on the kitchen bench, just to see how long it took OH to notice and put it away himself.

After six weeks I abandoned the experiment.

Ok, OP, so we've heard all about the stuff that you do that he doesn't do. But are there things that you don't do?

In my household that would be: changing lightbulbs, fixing the computer/internet problems, anything that involves drills or screwdrivers such as putting up pictures, taking out the rubbish/recycling, planning routes for all journeys, recaulking the bathtub, moving heavy items when required...

All of these are things I can or could learn how to do, but I just can't be arsed. Does that mean I'm lazy and don't pull my weight?

In my household that would be: changing lightbulbs, fixing the computer/internet problems, anything that involves drills or screwdrivers such as putting up pictures, taking out the rubbish/recycling, planning routes for all journeys, recaulking the bathtub, moving heavy items when required...

Agreed, in our house I am a lazy arse who does none of this, nobody ever says that though. DH is not good at doing day to day household stuff but does all of the above but that is generally forgotten in threads like these

He does the washing?!?

It's always fascinating that those type of tasks take place once in a blue moon. Fixing the computer -maybe once a year, compared to cooking -once or twice a day. Putting up pictures - once every 6 months if that. Doing laundry - every day for many households. Changing lightbulb - once a month maybe, compared to sorting the kids out - every day. It's an amazing coincidence.

Leaving aside that not all OH's actually do all those things, most of those things need to be done occasionally, not daily or weekly.

I mean... modern lightbulbs expire once a decade. You might hang a new picture once every couple of months if you're a really profilic picture-hanger. Google Maps has been invented, so route-planning is more of an optional extra if you happen to enjoy that kind of thing.

Dinner, on the other hand, generally needs to be put on the table every day. Kids have stuff that needs to be organised for school every week. The house needs to be tidied constantly.

I would swap being the primary manager of all those things for re-caulking the bathtub whenever it needs it (lived here five years and it hasn't needed it yet, incidentally) and dealing with the recycling.

But those are all occasional tasks and don't equal the constant brain space of keeping an internal data bank of all household and family necessities.

Crossposts

My DH may indeed change a lightbulb but will be unlikely to notice it needs replacing, nor take the initiative to buy a new one. So yes he will doing the physical activity when asked to but not take on the 'mental load' part of it. That's down to me of course.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking don't you mean partner? Not WIFE? Wtf has that word got to do with someone who doesn't get any help because the person doesn't have a WIFE? Do wives have specific roles as in all child care and domestic stuff. Like every day life that a family requires?
And not the df?

You managed 2 sentences before your criticism of your DH turned into criticism of men in general (although tbf you'd already done it with your thread title which assumes only a wife can do these things). Well done OP. Maybe that's because you want to convince yourself we're all the same and that it's not yours that's the problem or your mistake in staying with him.

If I had to be told that housework needed doing, or my wife planned my outfits, I'd feel like a pathetic, overgrown child, which of course I would be. Luckily I'm a grown up who can manage my own life and household without someone holding my hand. How I manage it with testicles I don't know, it's a miracle. Jesus.

We have lived here 15 years and we have never recaulked the bath. We hung the pictures when we moved in and have hardly ever moved them since.

In that 15 years I’ve done 99,840 hours more housework, wifework, childcare and parenting than my husband .

Where do I sign up for the swap ?

You need a husband that isn't a sexist misogynist. Why are you thinking about what clothes he's going to wear? And the rest....

Not all men expect this to be woman's work