To want a wife?

[MyOtherUsernameisaPun]

I love my DH. I really do. But just now and then I wish I was married to someone who did for me half of the emotional labour I do for him. All the work that's just seen as woman's work, so that men don't feel they have to reciprocate?

Some emotional Labour I wish my spouse would do:

Replying to texts on HIS family whatsapp so that my MIL and FIL dont start texting me separately asking for responses to things they've asked him

Meal planning so that it's not always me having to come up with ideas and so that he can't then wriggle out of cooking because he 'doesn't know' how to cook what I planned

Thinking about what clothes we are both going to need for specific events in the immediate future that he knows about and washing those clothes instead of random clothes

Realising what housework needs done without having to be told every time

Filling the car with petrol before bringing it home instead of steering into the drive on fumes and leaving it to me to panic about not having enough to get to the station the next morning when I'm usually in a rush

I feel like a massive nag so I'm writing here instead of having a go at him! Please make me feel better by sharing with me the things you wish your partner would do for you without needing specific instructions

Well obviously when you both meet as individuals in your 20s and you've never lived together, it's not blatantly obvious.

It's not a case of a lazy DH - it's more that structural norms are reinforced through family structures. So, for instance, at family events etc, women tend to gravitate and socialise in the kitchen area. The men are served tea and food but it's not the done thing for them to get involved in food preparation or clearing away. So when relatives come to your house, the DH being involved in cooking or serving food is seen as rude and odd.

Also if you have a husband who works a lot more than "normal" hours, he's not physically there to do housework, even if willing. So it's easy to see how patterns evolve.

I see that in maybe my mothers generation but not so much (in my circle anyway) with my generation (late 30's/40's) My DH would never sit around chatting and leave me do everything if we had guests nor would any of my brothers. My dad would have done that with my mother though so hopefully this trend is starting to die out

Zaeem it’s obvious you are actually very happy with your marriage dynamic and split of responsibilities. That isn’t the case for the OP.

@zaeem18 so true! Going to my in-laws for family events it’s his 60+ MIL who’s in the kitchen whilst the able-bodied FIL and male relatives watch football or go to pub as “she wants to do it all”! Hubby has had to make a point of making his mum sit down after the meal and getting folk up to do the clearing up after at v least.

If the friends round at ours are mine, DH cooks and vice versa if it’s his for me. If its shared friends we both take turns but it’s very much seen as strange when DH is in the kitchen “what an amazing husband, so lucky etc.”.

Agree with shifts too, if hubby working late I’ll cook more but I’m away with work a lot so he cooks for me coming home late too. It’s easy to see if I was home at 5 every night but hubby not in till 7 who’d end up getting into a pattern of always doing the cooking! We do whoever’s cooked, the other washes up.

VladimirsPoutine (love the nick ).

I understand that you don't realise at first, but why stay married to someone who has checked out of family life and will not check back in? A PP said that she had stopped enabling her husband for six weeks, and he didn't react. And she's still married to him. Why?

oh ffs you've all been told "why" on this thread. OP said it succinctly - she'd still have to do everything she does now but her household, pertinently her children, would have far less money, and she'd be without a man that despite this behaviour she cares for.

when you have children you become different. I could not have predicted how the equality of my partnership would shift - thankfully it hasn't too much but I can easily imagine it doing.

The change will not come through individual womem standing up, in their own separate civil-rights-on-the-bus moment, but through a mix of structural, cultural and regulatory shifts. More paternity leave. More women at the top of business. etc etc blah blah.

Unfortunately I don’t think that there are that many men out there who have enough incentives to be equal in the home.

It’s women who need to marry earlier if they want kids because of biology.

Men can loll around until they are late 40s and have women their age and a lot younger. Also, there’s less expectations on men to be the sole main breadwinner.

My Ex who did loads of housework, and planning, everything really, and a really good job... well he knew what an exception he was so unfortunately milked it for all it’s worth! (Cheated).

Although, he did tell me that men who did more housework got much more sex. Worked for me!

Unfortunately @distance I think many women do leave, but the men seem to have little trouble attracting someone younger and less looking at their tidiness! My previous Ex was really selfish we lived together and he left everything to me. So I did leave him. Within a year he found a woman ten years younger who thought he was amazing. Sigh...

Personally, I like being asked, "what's for dinner". Whatever I say is accepted without question, whether it's a takeaway or a healthy option or beans on toast or chocolate cupcakes! Normally I make it but OH is content to wait until I feel like doing so, even if that's ten o clock at night.
So basically I get to eat what I want, when I want. The "price" of making an extra portion is well worth it!

Personally, I like being asked, "what's for dinner". Whatever I say is accepted without question, whether it's a takeaway or a healthy option or beans on toast or chocolate cupcakes! Normally I make it but OH is content to wait until I feel like doing so, even if that's ten o clock at night.
So basically I get to eat what I want, when I want. The "price" of making an extra portion is well worth it!

hhmmm that doesn't sound like a good deal to me but each to their own I guess :/

Next year DH would like to retire. This would mean I'd need to work. I'll take the DC to school, he says, not realising the million other things you have to do for a 6 and 10 year old. He doesn't know what to buy in the supermarket, he manages to cook a proper supper for himself, but if he has to pick one DC up in an emergency, he'll give her beans on toast. He doesn't realise what prep I do for them the night before and in the morning. I think I might have to print out a bullet plan.

Before you go back to work he needs to shadow you for as long as it takes to learn the job and make his own bullet plan Buttocks.

Does your dh do other jobs around the house that you don't like doing? I do most of the cleaning and cooking but then my husband would be very good for putting air in the car tyres or sorting out car insurance. He would also fix things or do gardening. It works for us.

A PP said that she had stopped enabling her husband for six weeks, and he didn't react. And she's still married to him. Why?

Because LTB/divorce isn’t the first place you go when someone doesn’t put away the thing off the counter top?

In the vast majority of cases, Distance, women don't marry such men from the off. It is a pervasive form of checking out of family life; much like the boiling frog analogy. It becomes increasingly apparent that the husband just isn't pulling his weight equally. Therefore your "Why are you married to such men" comment rather glibly overlooks the issue.

Exactly

understand that you don't realise at first, but why stay married to someone who has checked out of family life and will not check back in?

Well for one, if we are honest, more men are like that than not.

So your options are frequently switching the father of your children for a life of either celibacy and financial hardship or the same again but with a new guy and you can't even fart in front of this one because you haven't been married for 10 years..

they don't look like great options to most women for some reason. Things are gradually changing but until we're at 50/50 relatiionships as the norm there just isn't much point for most women to leave if they are otherwise happy. It's out of the frying pan and in to the fire with a new man.

or the same again but with a new guy and you can't even fart in front of this one because you haven't been married for 10 years..

That's hilarious

eighttimeseight but how often do you cook/clean vs how often does he put air in car tyres?

Coincidentally this just popped up on my Facebook feed:

“A friend came to my house for coffee, we sat and talked about life. At some point in the conversation, I said, “I’m going to wash the dishes and I’ll be right back.”

He looked at me as if I had told him I was going to build a space rocket. Then he said to me with admiration but a little perplexed: “I’m glad you help your wife, I do not help because when I do, my wife does not praise me. Last week I washed the floor and no thanks.”

I went back to sit with him and explained that I did not “help” my wife. Actually, my wife does not need help, she needs a partner. I am a partner at home and through that society are divided functions, but it is not a “help” to do household chores.

I do not help my wife clean the house because I live here too and I need to clean it too.

I do not help my wife to cook because I also want to eat and I need to cook too.

I do not help my wife wash the dishes after eating because I also use those dishes.

I do not help my wife with her children because they are also my children and my job is to be a father.

I do not help my wife to wash, spread or fold clothes, because the clothes are also mine and my children.

I am not a help at home, I am part of the house. And as for praising, I asked my friend when it was the last time after his wife finished cleaning the house, washing clothes, changing bed sheets, bathing her children, cooking, organizing, etc. You said thank you

But a thank you of the type: Wow, sweetheart !!! You are fantastic!!!

Does that seem absurd to you? Are you looking strange? When you, once in a lifetime, cleaned the floor, you expected in the least, a prize of excellence with great glory … why? You never thought about that, my friend?

Maybe because for you, the macho culture has shown that everything is her job.

Perhaps you have been taught that all this must be done without having to move a finger? Then praise her as you wanted to be praised, in the same way, with the same intensity. Give her a hand, behave like a true companion, not as a guest who only comes to eat, sleep, bathe and satisfy needs … Feel at home. In his house.

The real change of our society begins in our homes, let us teach our sons and daughters the real sense of fellowship”

• I do want to qualify if I was writing this myself (and not copying and pasting) I’d include this is merely an example - there are amazing partners out there and terrible ones of both genders. Bad behaviour is bad behaviour not defined by gender or role.

I work full time. DH is a SAHD, although does some very part time consultancy work. DC are young teens.
DH is pretty domesticated and just gets on with it but I am 100% sure that the SAH wives of my male colleagues do significantly more than my DH does.
For example, my DH will sort presents, cards etc for his own family. If I ask him to get something specific for mine he will do it, but otherwise I do this. In principle i think this is as it should be. However, I know some of my male colleagues never do this. Their wives sort it all without them even having to remember the date of their mum's birthday. This is a small example, but it is clear that this, along with many other examples, make it easier for them to manage their work better.

I think part of the reason DH seems to do less is because i choose to be more involved in my DC's day to day lives than my male colleagues do, and enjoy choosing presents etc. for them at christmas and bithdays (this largely falls to me, or at least the thinking what to buy does)

I think it is also in part because when DC were tiny we both worked so shared household tasks and childcare. A lot of the stuff I did seemed to stay with me when he became a SAHD, i think because it was not hugely visible to him (whereas the stuff that our nanny used to do, for example, was visible and he picked that up no problem). This has got better with time. Even so, although him being at home has taken the pressure off me, it is still definitely the case that my life does not run as smoothly as some of my male colleagues', and although I can partially explain it, i still dont fully get why.

I think it is in part that he is not that organised so we get some last minute panics that I end up helping with, and I think in part this is because there are some things that are just not on his radar that would be on mine if I were the one at home. Whether that is just him or whether it is the womenswork thing i am not sure.

For example, DD is going on a school trip on Wednesday. DH has looked out her passport and filled in the paperwork etc, but did not think to go through the kit list with her, or at least make her go through it. I happened to glance at it as it was also send to my email address. I saw immediately that it said wellington boots, which I know she has lost. DH did not look at the list and apparently would not have known anyway that she had lost her wellies. Why I know this but he does not I am not sure. Had I not looked at the list then i am sure that the way that this would have played out is that her packing would have been left to the night before she is due to go, she would have looked at the list then and realised, and I would have ended up getting involved in tryiing to get hold of a pair for her at the last minute.
Yes it did not take me long to look at the kit list, but this is the kind of thing that the wives of my male colleagues would just sort, mainly by making sure the DC organised stuff in advance and by being the one to know that the wellies are lost, which my DH does not do.

So your options are frequently switching the father of your children for a life of either celibacy and financial hardship or the same again but with a new guy and you can't even fart in front of this one because you haven't been married for 10 years..

Being unmarried does not have to mean a life of celibacy! It’s 2018!

I wish Dads would model this for sons. I’ve been a single parent to my teenage son since he was small, and instilled as much as I could about sharing the workload. It was working up to a point, but whenever he comes back from a weekend at his Dads he seems to revert.

They have chats where DS says that his forgetfulness and bad habits (ie I have to remind him about everything) is from his Dad and that’s just the way he is, ha ha. He told me he can’t really change it, and in fact I should be more understanding!

The wellies is an excellent example, Why:
Yes it did not take me long to look at the kit list, but this is the kind of thing that the wives of my male colleagues would just sort, mainly by making sure the DC organised stuff in advance and by being the one to know that the wellies are lost, which my DH does not do.

I think it MUST be socialisation in part. My DH just does not remember/consider/pay any attention to other people's "stuff". If I specifically told him he needed to be in charge of the DC's "stuff" then perhaps he would up his game ... or perhaps he would not.
Meantime, I know that the DC's "stuff" is vital to them - having the right thing for non-uniform day, having sandals or wellies or other appropriate footwear in the right size at the right season - so I prioritise it accordingly without being told to. For whatever reason, my DH does not consider it a priority without being told specifically.

And he is not a "bad" father or husband. But he is a pretty "typical" one, I'd say.

If I can't have a "wife", I think that second-best might be an ex-Forces partner - because someone else has drummed into them the need for organisation in advance, the care of kit, and cleaning up in a routine

Unfortunately @distance I think many women do leave, but the men seem to have little trouble attracting someone younger and less looking at their tidiness!

That may be the case (which I doubt), but what has it got to do with it? "I'm not leaving my husband because he's a slob who doesn't give a shit about me or the children, because he'll just go out and find someone younger?" So what?

Because LTB/divorce isn’t the first place you go when someone doesn’t put away the thing off the counter top?

We were talking about how women aren't willing to let their children suffer for the same of making a point, whereas the men in these cases are.

If it's just a matter of putting something off the countertop, then leave it there, or don't complain if your family get used to your always doing it.

But I think we were talking more about things like not taking the children to the doctor, or forgetting about their uniforms, or not making a real meal but always relying on takeaways when it's your turn to cook.

If a parent is willing to allow their children's health and well-being to suffer because they can't be arsed, yes, I think that's a perfectly good reason to divorce.

I haven't read the thread so do forgive me OP

When you say you want a wife, it sounds as though it means you want someone to do all the domestic chores you don't want to do. I think that is a wrong thing to want. It perpetuates inequality. What you actually want is a DH who mans up and believes in equality and does his fair share.

@distance I’m just saying how fustrating it is, there seems to be little incentive for men to change. Especially if they can bag a younger women are prepared to overlook stuff. So my Ex is still very one sided and now he’s got to feel like a father without having to do any real parenting. EOW going out for a pizza. His new girlfriends family think he’s a great Dad and lots of sympathy for not having his child live with him. To me they are excusing and enabling him still.

I did leave my annoying Ex as I didn’t want to put up with it myself. I remember coming down every day with the baby to find the kitchen in a mess, again and again. I felt like a skivvy. Clearing up another adults mess before I could feed the baby! Grrrr... never regretted it. Just wish he’d learned from it.

We really should all be not taking this crap!