To have called the Police on DD (13)

[MrsJonSno]

Because I feel like the worst Mum in the world right now.

Back story is that DD is generally good kid;
she does well at and enjoys schoool, predicted great GCSE results, never been in trouble with school or Police, never been in a fight etc. No issues at home, normal family and household. Can be rude, can answer back, the odd tantrum- normal teenage stuff I guess.

Three weeks ago DD missed school for the first time ever. I was informed and she was spoken to and had her iPhone and internet access removed for a week. She didn’t seem bothered really and couldn’t give any real reason for it. I wasn’t too angry and as it was first time occurance (and I admit I did the same a few times when I was a teenager) we decided to draw a line as long as it didnt happen again.

She then started being rude at home, cheeky, smart arse snippy comments etc. Then a week later she went out for a few hours one afternoon and didn’t get back home until Midnight. I was worried sick, had reported her missing to Police- the works. When she strolled back in she wasn’t phased or upset but she seemed apologetic, she’d been at the park with a friend she knows from her old school. This girl’s parents have told me she has been in trouble before, can be violent, causes lots of issues at home, has a Social Worker due to the above. I told her she is not meet her again. Phone, console, iPad etc all removed for two weeks as consequence for the above.

All seemed fine, she was happy and being good and all was fine at home. Then she walked out and didn’t come home for 4 days. 4 days!!! It was the worst 4 days of my life. She isn’t “streetwise” or tough at all and I was out of my mind with worry that she would be found dead in a gutter somewhere. Reported to Police as missing, they made enquiries whilst we hunted everywhere and spoke to every person she knows.

She was eventually found with this same other girl. I went to bring her home and she refused. She started telling me I had no right to force her home, she wanted a Social Worker, I can’t “lay hands” on her etc. Sounded like a completely different child. I called Social Services and begged for some help, they eventually got someone to speak to her and told her she goes home immediately or into care. She came home but has been vile and rude and swearing and awful since (3 days). After spending time with this other girl she now thinks she knows her “rights” thinks she’s untouchable and that she’s the boss and can do as she likes. I’m beyond mortified and so embarrassed and of course baffled by this sudden change.

I’ve been in contact with Children’s Services and asked for some help perhaps with counselling for her and maybe someone to meet with us as a family
to help facilitate/mediate a discussion as to what is wrong and how we can move forward.

Friday night she had a huge tantrum like I’ve never seen before, screaming, banging, shouting and trashing the house room by room. She was like a crazed animal, I couldnt stop her and when she broke some glass all over the spare room I was concerned for her and her own safety. So I called the Police. They arrived and restrained her and calmed her down. She wasn’t rude or aggressive to them and they said that was very unusual. They gave me the option for them to leave and let it go or take her to the Police Station for interview and processing which would take a few hours. I chose the latter. It was horrible and I was really upset but I couldn’t let her get away with it. I needed her to realise she can’t do as she likes and isn’t in charge, as her and this other girl seem to think. She spent 6 hours at the police station before being dropped back. She hasn’t been charged of course, she won’t get any sort of record or anything even similar but she got a big shock and a good talking down and the Police said she seemed genuinely remorseful after a few hours in a cell. She came home and hasn’t tried to run away again but hasn’t spoken to me since (this was Friday) and has spent the weekend in her room.

Was IBU? Would you have done the same? I feel guilty but equally I feel I couldn’t let her do this without consequences as she’d have no deterrent not to do it again.

This has all the classic hallmarks of child sexual exploitation I’m afraid. You will need specialist support to deal with this. Read as much as you can about it. You need to be fully informed. Barnados provide specialist workers who may be able to engage with your daughter but social services needs to fund this. I used to work as a specialist in this area . Where in the country are you?

Ghosty and Bo Peep Sheep: She’s well aware of the risks of CSE- family members are Police Officers so she’s been spoken to many times about mixing with older men, the risk of accepting gifts etc. She doesn’t go out at night, she’s always home by 7pm school nights and 8pm weekends. I check with parents if she goes to a sleepover, monitor Social Media etc. So I think it’s unlikely. But of course not out of the question.

I think it may be that she had 5 days of total freedom and no rules or boundaries. She was totally exhausted too. Hoping it’s norm anything more sinister but keeping an open mind. I’ve managed to piece together where they’d been mostly. Some really irresponsible local parents of teens let them stay despite knowing their age and that they’d “run away” didn’t think to contact the school or SS or Police not even after they’d left. Pretty unimpressed and disgusted with that to be honest. I can’t imagine doing that’s as a parent. :(

Moleskin: She was taken for Criminal Damage as she had smashed a glass vase here in her temper and they kept her there a while to impress on her the seriousness of the incident. She was interviewed and then had to wait for someone to be free to drive her home. She’s been referred for some sessions with Youth Worker not charged or reprimanded.

It sounds like you are doing a great job during an incredibly worrying time. Four days!

Sorry to say that I also thought of grooming straight away. Hopefully SS would have some guidance and info on this. Is there anyone close that she might open up to? An aunt or cousin?

Good luck - we are all rooting for you.

Another one with some experience in this area echoing the comments above. I do hope for your dd's sake that it is not exploitation/ grooming. Well done for moving in so fast and taking hard decisions but also for letting your dd know that you are there to talk to and that you still love her whatever she does/whenever she needs to.

Ps just seen your comment about the ‘open’ house they were at - the potential for absolutely anything to happen in that environment is really scary. Do the police know the address?

Echoing pp here, I don't want to frighten you op but this is exactly how my dsis behaved when she was being groomed. She was 14. Before it happened we were a naice normal middle class family. My parents had no clue how to deal with dsis behaviour, didn't involve any outside agencies and she was pregnant by 15. You've done the right thing but coming from a younger sibling perspective- make sure they are getting the support and reassurance too.

OP please don't dismiss CSE.
She can be aware of the risks and still get entwined. And children will lie to protect the situation because they think the groomer cares for them, or further down the line because they/their family is threatened.

What children who have been through it say is that they're desperate for someone to say "that isn't right," even while they're lying.

I don't know what part of the country you're in, but these are some of the contacts for Surrey. I'm sure if you contact them they'll be able to point you in the one for your county:

Availability: 9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday
Phone: 0300 470 9100
Email: [email protected] - emails are dealt with during normal office hours
Out of hours phone: 01483 517898 to speak to our emergency duty team

Good luck

4 days Meridian! 😔 Never thought I could feel so sick with worry and function with so little sleep. I had to carry on day to day thouhh as I have another younger child and I’m also right at the end of a long period of study and about to gain my qualification for my new job in September which I really need so I’ve had go into work placements some of those 4 days. So relieved she’s home now. I wouldn’t wish that on any other parent.

Witchend. Thanks. We are actually not far from Surrey. It was a lovely Surrey SW that spoke to my daughter when I called and asked for help as our actual SS team for it area weren’t helpful. I’ve now spoken to our MASH team and we have a SW coming to see us next week who will hopefully be able to refer us for some help.

Yes absolutely you did the right thing OP.
Don't let anyone guilt trip you into thinking anything otherwise. You did what you thought best in a very difficult situation when she smashed things up and could have hurt herself or you.

Have you any other family support - anyone else who could get through to her?

Maybe after seeing the SW you could go away for a weekend and do something with her and she might open up.

This place she stayed at - who was there?
Are the Police investigating?

Is there any possibility of a second phone hidden somewhere OP?

You have done absolutely the right thing, OP.

I would try and find a 'white hat' hacker who could REALLY look into her phone, computer, etc for hidden messages. I am sorry but I echo other posters' concerns about grooming .

My first thought was also grooming. What struck me the most is that she didn't seem phased when you took her communication devices off her, but acted out massively when not allowed out. That suggests to me that she may have more than one way to contact people (it's not unusual for groomed girls to have a special phone just for this and to cling onto it for dear life) - please search her belongings thoroughly.

Well done on taking those tough steps.

I'd also be very concerned she'd been assaulted. Millions of adult women know about red flags in relationships and right from wrong and still get involved in abusive relationships. It's great to be aware but some men are very manipulative/clever. Please reconsider cse. She must have felt very frightened smashing up the room. She really needs you right now.

Just wanted to say I think you did the absolute right thing, OP. My DCs are younger but I imagine in your shoes I'd look to the police, too.

I think what others have advised you to do WRT vigilance around grooming and the influence of older men is absolutely right, however I just wanted to throw my hat in the ring as a right monster teen. I had a terrible time going through puberty when it came to my hormones: they really made me act unlike myself and out of control. Even now I can remember the out-of-body experience of me flailing around like a banshee, screaming how much I hated my parents, that I wanted to die and didn't ask to be born. I'd spend random days in my room crying and just feeling so deeply unsettled and sad without knowing why. These outbursts were so totally out of character for me and were cyclical, but I eventually grew out of acting this way at about 16.

Thinking of you.

I really don’t think you should write anything off. Something is seriously wrong from the sounds of things.

This is not a criticism AT ALL, but there are opportunities for bad things to have happened/be occurring.
If she s coming home at 7 that’s a big time gap from end of school.
what is she doing from 3.15/4 to 7?!

I don't think UABU.

I went through something similar when I was a young teen myself and my parents acted in the same manner after a few lesser incidents.

At the time yes, I was angry at them. But they done the right thing. In retrospect now they done what they done with my best interests at heart and it certainly taught me a lesson that a softer approach would not have.

I do suggest considering counselling for her. A sudden change in behaviour like that is usually down to some underlining issues. Certainly was in my case.

I do hope you're doing okay, don't be too hard on yourself. You done what you done out of love. Eventually she will see that.

I've not read the full thread so sorry to suggest this, but have you considered sexual abuse?

I was a bit like this when I was a teenager. In hindsight it was "family issues" (though nothing major) and having been bullied at school for a significant period of time and then just generally being ok but always a bit on a knife edge about whether the bullying would happen again, and then you make a friend outside of that who has no rules, takes no shit, introduces you to a "cool group" who are like that too and it just feels so... liberating.

My parents were at their wits end. Maybe they should have called the police on me and given me the shock that you had... I don't know. I think you did the right thing for sure, but I don't know how long-term the effect would have been for me. Ultimately when it came to the crunch and I was on the verge of completely flunking my GCSEs I suddenly realized that I didn't want this to be my story and I scared the shit out of myself by realizing I was staring down the barrel of being a fuck up and that I was totally out of control. I was very lucky in that I was bright and managed to do well in those exams despite leaving it so last minute and that was the first stepping stone on the path to getting my life back in order. Looking back I realise of course that I was depressed and very angry and also that the "cool friends" who were telling me I didn't have to put up with that shit actually probably would have given their right arm to swap places with me (in terms of family, home and opportunity). Obviously you must continue to make sure this isn't a grooming/safeguarding worry but maybe what she really needs is some proper counselling about the bullying and so on and it sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing in letting her know that she cannot behave like this but that you will always love her.

I would also be going through her room throughly and second the idea of getting someone who is a tech expert to take a look at all comms devices

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. It's horrible and something I fear myself. She sounds like she is holding a lot of anger over something and wanting to exert control, which she's not getting and then lashing out. I think the behaviour you have described sounds typical of either substance or sexual abuse, or both. Her behaviour reminds me of my teenage self, I was abused but not sexually. I have also seen this behaviour in other foster children I lived with when I put myself into care. The very violent outbursts and talking about knowing rights sounds all too familiar.

Also op is the girls father in her? Or are you a single mum

Of course you weren't being unreasonable.
It would be unreasonable to let this behaviour continue and her to end up in prison 5_10 years down the line.
It's called tough love. You're a good mum.
I appreciate it must have btoken your heart to do it but being a mum means making hard and heart breaking decisions some times.

You did the right thing, it would have been easier to let her do what she wanted but you took the tough decision to hold your own and she'll thank you for that later. She might be sulking in her room but deep down she knows that she has a mum and family downstairs that care enough to fight for her, and she has safety. The time spent chilling in her room will give her time to think and she knows she has you or another member of the family to turn to when she's ready.