I have gone very very wrong somewhere with DD.

[TokenBritPoshOfCourse]

I am mortified. Dd is 14. Last year I got her and ds1 (15) an iPhone SE each, which happened to be the same phone I had.

She broke hers within a month. I paid for it to be repaired and she broke it again (dropped it both times).

DH upgraded his android phone so she was given his old handset (Samsung galaxy). She has done nothing but moan about it really, the camera is ‘shit’, she can’t download stuff she wants, it’s not an iPhone. We have pulled her up on this every time btw.

I have upgraded my phone and the new one (iPhone 8) arrived this morning. DD was hovering wanting to know what the parcel was and I said, ooh, you’ll be happy because this means you’ll have an iPhone again. She rapidly cycled through thinking I meant the new phone was for her, to realising I meant she could have my old one, to hysterical tears and then utter rage at me.

She has stamped her way around the house yelling that I need to apologise to her because I led her to believe she was getting a new iPhone, that it’s not fair I get a brand new phone and she gets my cast offs, that I’m out of order for getting myself a new phone when mine still works and that she deserves a new one before me.

I just don’t know where to go from here. Obviously she isn’t now getting my ‘old’ phone. I am disgusted by her attitude but I don’t know how to fix this. DH wants to take her phone away entirely, and her laptop, camera, tv etc. She is totally spoilt and entitled and I don’t really know what to do. For context ds1 and ds2 (6) have all the same mod cons but a totally different attitude.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this? She’s been sent to her room but is still raging that I need to apologise to her for ‘leading her on’ thinking she was getting a new iPhone 8.

Going back to OPs original post, when you talk to other parents of teens I think many could come up with something that their teen has done similar.

They are teenagers, hormones are a mess, they are still learning to control their emotions which is much harder with their hormones everywhere, they have the pressure of other kids and what phone is seen as acceptable. So yes, OPs daughter had an almighty strop, but that's what many teens do. Of course she should be told that her behaviour is unacceptable but she is (as OP wrote in another post) a normal teen. She washes up, tidies her room, helps out etc and in exchange gets her phone contract paid and some cash.

I don't think she needs some huge punishment, or to get a job working down pit to teach her a lesson. Shes also not some dreadful person as some have said. She's had a strop because she thought she was getting something which didn't happen. I dare say she'll grow up to be a good person and in 10 years time you will laugh about it. I really do think it's just part of having a teenager. There will be another drama and another strip next week.

‘Going though the mill with GCSEs and Alevels’ - and therein lies the issue. They are not going through the mill. They are doing very normal exams that kids have done for decades. It is just one of life’s natural teenage vissicitudes, like navigating teenage relationships and going through puberty. Kids wouldn’t find it so stressful if parents didn’t micro manage them and make their lives into one big academic panic.

Parents bigging it up into a great cesspool of panic and overanalysis is as big a part of the problem as the general entitlement kids are allowed, and even encouraged, to display.

I can’t remember my parents even asking me about my exams. I certainly don’t recall thinking I was ‘going through the mill’. My entire life did not stop. I went out, I worked, I studied, I lived AND I did my exams. I knew that it was importnwnt but also that it wasn’t the be all and end all - and that was because my parents didn’t act like I was going into battle every time I went into an exam room.

It’s no bloody wonder these kids are so unprepared for real life.

Strop not strip..... If she starts stripping then you really will have a problem. 😂

Shitholiday, I’m going to bet you have much younger children.

I do hope you reread your posts when you have teenagers, I really do.

Yes I am laughing at your posts shitholiday

Noone wants to raise an entitled brat and most parents are doing their damndest to make sure that doesn't happen. Teenagers (dare I say particularly girls) are full of drama. I'm not sure you even have kids but I'm another one who is sure they aren't teenagers

BarbarianMum the opinion of everyone that doesn't agree with you is somehow flawed Not so much flawed but not current and not based on experience. Do you have a teenager?

The thing I find difficult is the sheer hostility of many posters towards a child. And she is a child at 14 or 15 and behaving in a way that is quite normal for a child of that age. Not pleasant behaviour but not deserving of the nastiness and draconian suggestions I have read on here. The behaviour needs managing in a measured way. It's more difficult than a toddler tantrum because maintaining mutual trust and respect is hugely important in teen / parent relations. The OP clearly knows this and seems to have a handle on it.

Cozy Lulu/dungeon - do you regularly employ millenials? I’m telling yu my experience.

I work with some millennials and they are all actually very hard working. Perhaps you are just not very good at employing people.

I have friends in marketing, accounting, journalism, retail, all saying the same thing.

I have friends who said that about your generation (if you were a teenager in the 90s).

I accept that many of the jobs that used to be available to teenagers aren’t anymore, but equally they do need to learn to think around a problem and work out some solutions.

A job, whilst at schools is generally a good thing and most employers appreciate new starters who have some experience of paid work.

Also, most employers do not think much of parents who try to find their DCs part time jobs.

A more creative approach than just ‘there are no shops/cafes/fruit trees around here’ doesn’t mean there aren’t any opportunities. I taught pre-grade 1 piano to local kids, and got paid to do dressmaking and alterations from around the age of 13. These were my hobbies. My DSis helped at the local sports clubs preparing courts, emptying bins and general sweeping as well as being a gofer to the club coach in her early teens. My own DDs did similar and my eldest helped her grandfather’s friends get online and earned some cash for that.

None of these may appeal/be possible but it’s worth thinking about how to utilise your DDs current skills and interests to make some extra pocket money. I can promise that she will get a boost from knowing she has a useful skill as well as some extra cash!

shitholiday are you Miss Trunchbull?

shitholiday2018

Yes, we have all sat exams but I do think kids today do have more pressure on them. The new GCSE syllabus, (I presume A level, we are not there yet) for most subjects are bigger and a lot tougher. Competition for uni places and jobs is tougher, it just is. Social media is also a huge pressure that I am glad I didn't have to deal with as a teen.

My parents didn't show much interest in my exams, they were shit parents. I am interested in my children's school work and life in general. I don't micro manage them but I do ask about their lives and I support and help them if they are struggling with something because I want them to be the best they can be so that they have choices. I think parenting has moved on. When I was a teen, I didn't have much of a say in anything at home, what I was doing wasn't very important as shown by my parents not being interested in my school work/exams. My kids do have a say, as do their friends. Personally I think that's a good thing.

A job, whilst at schools is generally a good thing and most employers appreciate new starters who have some experience of paid work.

Yes, but you don't need to start working at 14. For children who are going to university, they don't even need to start at school in order to have some experience of paid work before starting their career jobs.

@Perfectly1mperfect kids get a voice in a home, they dont get a vote. Because they're kids, and you're the parent.

@shitholiday2018 who are 'these kids'?

RomeoBunny

Everyone does things differently. Our kids are 14 and 9, our way works for us.

shitholiday are you Miss Trunchbull?

I am taking what shitholiday says with a huge pinch of salt.

My hand is twitching just reading this

shitholiday2018 A 14-year-old is not a millennial nor who is anyone currently a teenager even though people seem to keep thinking the two are the same thing. Millennials are in their 20s and 30s, some getting close to 40. If you're hiring a 35-year-old, you're hiring a millennial, if you're hiring someone just out of A-levels, you're not. As we have writings millennia old of people complaining about how entitled and lazy and horrible young people are, I think we'll be fine, many of the teens and the thirty-somethings I know are great people.

Token I try to keep the same 'they seem so much nicer and do far less crap than I was at that age' in mind when mine do daft things which have ranged from the mild things you describe with phones to some wowsers for them but still low on the scale. It is a tough age (for the teens and us parents) and I'd like to think I would do similar to what you've done.

An idea that might be good, I know you said no to work but there are some work experience like programmes your DD or others in the thread might find useful. Like a local theatre here does a crew experience programme for backstage work that teenagers can do which I've been talking to my oldest about and while reading this thread I was agreeing with you that there aren't many places around here that employ at that age and fewer where I'd want them to do so but things like that might be something some on here might fit that idea of getting more experiences/out of house and phone idea better.

She’s rude and stroppy and we clash, but she’s also kind and sweet and diligent with school and chores

OP it sounds like your DD is a good kid overall apart from her lack of care with mobile phones and a propensity towards fairly typical teenager drama queen strops. I really don’t think that you have gone wrong at all. Teens are complicated, infuriating and sometimes their behaviour is unreasonable in much the same way a toddlers can be. I am pretty sure if you talk to her when she calms down she is aware that she is being entitled expecting you to buy her a new iPhone.

I think some of the comments on here are pretty harsh and I might have made similar remarks myself before being the parent of a teen. I am not a believer in mollycoddling but I do think that teens need a certain amount of understanding and support to help them through this difficult stage of their lives.

What's with the proponents of hitting children?

Is it an American conservative Christian invasion?

I have an almost teen. And nephews/neices aged 21, 19, 16 and 15 so not totally out of touch. And I don't agree with the harshness of many posters towards the OP's dd, nor do I agree with the "poor girl, just keep replacing it til she learns" brigade. There is middle ground here.

Not sure about the others, but I know that I was joking (as I hoped the grinning face would show!).

@shitholiday their results mean whether or not they go on to what they’ve picked next. Sure there is another route if they don’t get the grades they want....

My 16yo doesn’t have any pressure put on him, he is told not to worry, just do his best and I’m happy he is even trying - Ok so he is SEN but I have managed to keep the stress down. Easy for me though, no course requirements for his college course, he is going and that’s that.

But I remember many years back all of my friends and myself would get money rewards for good grades. Me less so.. the well off families were giving tons for a grades! (I am old enough that A* didn’t even exist)

These newer GCSE’s go above A*. The pressure is there and it’s real. I’m just glad it’s lessoned for my SEN 16yo.

@Gretol, WTF told you that millennial is an insult. Please site the official source of that information. Should we also not refer to the generation that fought The Nazis as "The Greatest generation" because it makes other generations feel inferior? Should there be no baby boomers because booming refers to the sound a bomb makes and therefore contributing to violence? Millennial is not insulting it's accurate to describe the era in when which they are born. Please don't be stupid. MILLENNIAL MILLENNIAL MILLENNIAL They are MILLENNIAS.

shitholiday is surely taking the piss! The 14 year olds making money on my estate are dealing drugs. It depends where you live. It wouldn't be safe for young people here to knock on doors or post 'use me leaflets'. Naice middle class areas, where shitholiday clearly grew up are likely safer than the massive council estate I live on.