Friend spends the weekend with me then ‘reviews’ her experience, wtf!?

[Biscusting]

Friend has been good friend during our uni days. We’ve loosely kept in touch over the years, but different career choices, interests, distance and children have pushed us in different directions.

She messages me out out of the blue to ask about staying a weekend with us. We live in an area popular with tourists.

I’m feeling a bit put out, as don’t fancy hosting, but we had no concrete plans and thought it would be a nice catch up.

Anyway she stays we have dinner out one night. She’s spends a day visiting a popular attraction and we have a nice evening in with a selection of nibbles, pizza, cheese and wine etc. Uneventful, pleasant weekend I feel.

Now i’ve just been browsing FB and looked on her page to see if she’d posted any pictures. To find she’d written quite a lengthy post about her stay. I don’t want to copy and paste, but basically it’s along the lines of, ‘had an okay weekend with Biscusting, staying at her place. Found the breakfast underwhelming and conversation with her DH a bit dry.
The sleigh bed in the guest room was too high and I bumped on the wooden edge so often I have a bruise. The room was too small.’.....the WiFi speed was poor at best’

She goes on to critique the decor and waffles on a lot about the tourist attraction she visited. Then ends the post with ‘all in all i’d give her two stars’

Wtaf is this!? Has she mistaken FB for trip advisor and my home for a hotel!?

We don’t have many shared friends, but people have liked her bloody post. 13 people!

Now the thing is she talked about coming back at the end of July for an exhibition and we made relatively firm plans about her return.

AIBU to tell her to jog on?

Your reply was far too polite. I would have responded to this CF:
"Hi, I fully appreciate that you are having a challenging time with MH problems and I wish you a smooth journey on your road to recovery. This however doesn't excuse your post on social media about your recent stay with us. It was rude and hurtful and the follow up 'postcard' about how people don't see MH issues I feel is specifically directed at me following our disagreement about your original FB post. I respectfully think we should cancel our meeting in July as it no longer feels appropriate. Please do not contact me again. Biscusting

I find that sometimes people with this kind of blind spot about their own behaviour will take on the victim mentality and you have to bullet point and be very simple and clear about what they did that is not ok.

• you invited yourself to our house out of the blue
• wrote scathing comments about our home
• personal comments about our conversation online
• gave us 2/5
• unfriended me
• apologised to my ace but started sharing petty childish quotes about our conversation when told you had been rude
• are clawing at having another weekend away with us despite not liking us or our home

Keep reiterating that she is not the hurt party.

Dear god, the brass neck on some people! Unbelievably cheeky of her. Your replies have been extremely polite and measured OP, so do NOT go giving yourself a hard time about any of this. I'm stunned at her nastiness and entitlement. I wonder if you will get a begging text in reply.....

Bisquiting, you are way too nice to her, why? Why ‘postpone’ and not ‘cancel’? The text implies you are open for negotiation - i bet she will do just that and try manipulate you into having her again. You watch.
It’s ok to be firm and assert yourself. Especially with ppl like her.

.

I find that sometimes people with this kind of blind spot about their own behaviour will take on the victim mentality

This x 1000

charge her for the stay!:)

i think you sent a good reply.

Whatever her social issues or MH problems or reasons behind it, you do not have to open yourself up to being hurt, and I dont see how you could enjoy her stay now. She has a cheek

I don't think you should comment on it, given her explanation. She's been a total fool but may be vulnerable too. Also, your Fb friends will see the whole thing if you do.

I'd keep it dignified with private communication only.

Her response suggests she doesn't understand what Fb is (or is so wrapped up in her own issues she doesn't think beyond herself and is very muddled up about the 'outside world' and other people, at the moment). Yes, make clear how public it is and how hurt you are but embarrassing her publicly would still be unkind.

OP, don’t reply to the latest message.

Just book your weekend away with DH for the weekend she wants to come.

If she shows up on your doorstep, tough shit. Nobody will be at home.

you were too nice, postpone! That means that you are open to having her again! You should have been more direct, and take no rubbish, as she has treated you and dh so badly, why are you worry about her feelings, she did not care about yours!

Your response is unambiguous but still gracious. I think you worded it really well.

She’s just replied with a long ranty response.

I’ll summarise, it’s lengthy and rambling:

Apparently it’s people like me that don’t understand MH and make the conditions harder for sufferers, she thought we were good friends and that’s about give me take, she’s crushed that I can’t separate her from her condition. She’s opened up to be about her problems and she’s doing why she can to manage it.

Well I can assume the visit has definitely been cancelled rather than postponed then!

Time to block I think.

Postpone? You're thinking of allowing her to stay another time? Why?

Why ‘postpone’ and not ‘cancel’? The text implies you are open for negotiation - i bet she will do just that and try manipulate you into having her again. You watch.

^ This.

Another A&D sufferer here who thinks she's taking the piss

Also I think some people are just horrible regardless of health.

Yes, time to block. She's too far away to appear at your door, I'm guessing?

I've had to read the OP a few times because I couldn't quite believe it, and didn't think I'd got it right when I considered it. This is gobsmacking!

She criticizes your DH, your bed, the room, your decor, the food you kindly provided! WTA?

And, worse, I realise you say she gave you two stars. Not the visit two stars, but you.

MH issues do not excuse this at all. If she's together enough to write something like that, in such detail, she's together enough to consider its impact and appropriateness.

It's totally jawdropping that anyone should have "liked" this.

Don't assume anything.

she thought we were good friends and that’s about give and take’

You give, she takes, she has shown no awareness of your feelings at all. It’s all about her.

Just for your sake I'll repeat what several people who suffer, including me, have said. Mh issues do not absolve you of being a twat.

Definitely forget her for now. She's throwing a tantrum because she got caught out on her behaviour and has lost what she wanted.

It is possible that she's in a phase where she's completely self absorbed. But that's not your problem.

See. Everyone has to bend to the will of a friend with MH or be considered not understanding of their condition. It’s the new narrative. This is not depression, this is narcissism. I have had depression myself and can tell you I would not have been taking holidays or visiting friends at all, I would be sleeping or staring at the wall.

Ask her why her MH issues give her free reign to be an arsehole to you, OP.

Give and take? So she gets two free holidays, rates it all as shit anyway and still gets to be pissed off at you?

You've done well, OP. If she even tries to persuade you any further you just need to grey rock it and keep saying "I'm sorry, that's not going to be possible". I think you have been kind, and you can continue to be kind whilst keeping firmly to a "hell no to another stay" position.

Oh - X-post! Ignore, then!

Why is she annoyed again? You housed her, fed her, for free and she’s upset why exactly? Because you don’t like your house being called rubbish or you DH’s conversation being rated on FB?

Honestly, just reply

“Friendship with you 0/5 would not recommend”

Oh well, she’s got the bruises to show for it (tiny sleigh bed anyone?) Don’t let yourself have any. You have acted and responded with gentleness and reason.