FIL comments about son's DLA

[WWYDNameChange]

First of all, apologies if this doesn't end up in paragraphs, it should have them, but the app always messes them up for me!

DS is 4 and severely Autistic. He's non verbal, doesn't understand language and can be extremely difficult to manage when out and about. We're currently hiring a SEN pram which is costing us a fortune whilst we wait for special twin one to be made (DS2 is almost 2 and also on the pathway)

Anyway. We see PIL maybe 3 times a month by their request. Tbh, the visits are always a bit stressful as FIL seems very unaware and unsympathetic towards his grandson. FWIW his youngest daughter is only 5 and StepMIL is a childminder, so it's not as if he's not used to being around small children or anything.

FIL seems obsessed with money and seems to 'jokingly' go on about what benefits we get. Even though myself and my Husband don't even claim half the stuff we're entitled to because we get by okay.

Now that our son is 4, we decided to apply for Hight Rate Mobility DLA. We spent months doing the form, which is a gruelling process, gathering all types of reports from different people and even sent in a mandatory reconsideration after he was rejected.

This week, the DLA have awarded DS high rate care and high rate mobility until 2031. I honestly sobbed for four hours with relief. This is absolutely life changing for us, we'll be able to order a car that's safe and big enough for the equipment we need to bring with us, as well as cutting down on the costs of taxis and trains (currently can't afford to run a car at all) DS has several appointments a month, all 10 miles away from home. It's currently a 3 hour round trip on the bus, whereas it's 20 minutes in the car. My Mum and Dad help out where they can, often with lifts and emotional support as they can't physically look either DS.

Anyway. DH phoned FIL to tell him the good news, my parents were over the moon for us and understand how hard we worked to get DS what he deserved. FIL's first and only comment was, 'Well my taxes better not be paying for it.'
Is this how people really feel? Is this what everyone will think of us? Will people really feel resentment at a disabled child being entitled to a mobility car to ensure his safety and quality of life?

I feel so hurt. I half want to give him the DLA form and tell him he's lucky his daughter doesn't meet any of the criteria. This was a celebration for us, even if tainted with a bit of sadness that our 4 year old is now officially severely mentally impaired (that's the name of the criteria he falls under for DLA)

We're supposed to be visiting tomorrow, I don't really want to go, but feel like I need to say something? WWYD? Is there any advice? Or is this something we should just get used to?

Someone in DHs family was very disabled, lived in supported housing and got a high level of benefits.
Constantly shocked at the amount of jealousy about the money. They don’t want the disability that goes with it of course. This was someone who had never known any independence and couldn’t do anything for themselves and had a short life.
They had a big telly though….

I wouldn’t discuss my finances with family or friends full stop.

As someone who has worked in the field, yes there’s a lot of resentment when someone claims benefit- mostly when there’s a new car involved!

I would be delighted for my tax money to go to such a purpose. Hold up your head, my sister. You are doing the best thing for your child and that is the best thing you can do on this earth.

Well - my dh’s taxes ARE paying for this, @WWYDNameChange - and we couldn’t be more pleased about it!

Honestly - would your FIL rather that his son, his daughter-in-law and his grandson have to struggle through their lives, when some help could make their lives easier? In fact - that’s what I’d ask him, the next time he comments: “Would you rather that our lives were one long struggle than see us get some help, FIL? How nasty!”

@Whatshallidonowpeople

I know it's an unpopular view, but Yes, I don't see why the gov or tax payers should pay.

If op realises she can't afford to look after her DS and puts him into care, how much so you think it will cost tax payers to care for him for life? Or would you prefer they miss the appts they can't afford to travel to, go hungry because paying for the stuff he needs means not enough money for food, or simply don't enable him to fulfill his potential because it's too expensive when they can't work?

Of course he is paying for your benefits; where else does the money come from? Tell him that your taxes will be paying his state pension, in return.

OP,

See a lot less of your FIL.

Pay no attention to him.

@SickofPeterRabbit

I didn't know they awarded it so close to birth. I was still tending to my stitches when my DD was that age! Now she's nearly 4 years old and showing major signs of Autism. If she gets DLA then we'll both be disabled!

DS had it from the earliest point too, 12 weeks I think? Im not sure what the stitches comment is related to - that you were busy recovering whilst some of us were busy trying to get money??

Nor RTFT, but a Motability car is exempt from some road tolls and the congestion charge in London. You usually have to apply for an exemption - say to the people who run the M6 toll, the Mersey Gateway, the London congestion charge, etc; then usually pay about £10 fee (probably to cover the admin) and they send you a card or sticker or letter, to use for proof of exemption thereafter.

Likewise, new tyres are free at Kwik Fit; and there is free road recovery (iirc). The recovery service is usually quicker for the disabled.

IMO, when you pass your test, you could go shopping without DS in the car, so long as you are buying goods for his use - like food, his clothes, birthday presents, etc.

I suggest you apply for a Blue Badge as well. It does make life easier.

@WWYDNameChange - l know this is 3 years old now but how are you and your boy's?

ZOMBIE THREAD

It's great you got the funding. However ringing up and telling someone who you know to be unsympathetic and money obsessed is a bit like poking a bear: only one conceivable outcome and you're not going to like it. So YABU to do that.

And yes sadly lots of people have a total bee in their bonnets about disability linked benefits. Basically fomo but without actually wanting the reason for the payment.

What a shit head. No decent people begrudge their taxes being spent on supporting disabled children.
Let's hope he never gets any health conditions and needs the NHS which 'your taxes' pay for

Wow he sounds like such a Charmer Not! What on earth is wrong with him? What Grandad wouldnt want some help for his GS FFS! Our taxes pay for this help too and thats what they are for . parts of Society paying for help for children who need it, Thats what is known as a Society !He sounds horrid ,What does your DH think ?

Congratulations on being awarded what you are entitled to.
Your fils reaction is horrible.
I'd email and say I don't want to visit you tomorrow and why.
He can't just make hurtful and ridiculous comments like that with no push back. Say exactly what you think of this. Tell him how much it contrasted with your parents reaction and how deeply his careless remarks hurt your DH.
Thankfully people who have access to research and real data decide how tax payers money is spent. Not your FIL. What's he going to do about it...complain to his MP?
In an austerity era these allowances are carefully worked out by the and if it wasn't deemed absolutely necessary and deserved, they would already be cut to the bone.
Also FIL has no entitlement to information about issues like this in future. Telling these things to a person like that is deemed to be asking their permission and for their comments.

This thread is three years old! The OP probably isn’t here any more!

What about MIL? Can she talk any sense into the tight old git?

Zombie but this recent comment

"If you only claim for what you need and can’t afford to find yourself I have no issue."

Whatever the OP claims for it will not cover the additional costs of having a severely disabled child. It always costs more. A lot more. That is why DLA and PIP are universal benefits. Expecting someone not to claim is expecting a disabled child to be disadvantaged.

God he’s a piece of work. What did your husband say?
For the record l totally don’t feel like that. Im glad you got through the process and you can get the things you need like the car etc. Sorry the process was so arduous

'Well my taxes better not be paying for it.'

Answer, ‘no FIL, mine are’.

I was told by someone local I shouldn't claim PIP personally, and DLA for my kids as I was working and had capital. I say come and live my life for a week or so...then see if you fancy working, home educating kids while juggling multiple surgeries and a treatment regime from hell. This is all sorted by not discussing family finance with people outside the household. I have a rule called what goes on in the house, stays in the house. Works well for us. Don't forget to look into carers allowance and a blue badge to help your family. Entitled to is a good online calculator for figuring this out.

I would say yes they are, thank you, just as mine and everybody else who works is. Taxes also cover other benefits such as state pension, are you going to ensure you don’t claim that? Taxes also cover education, are you going to privately educate your child? If you child’s need treatment, are you going nhs? Our taxes pay for that

Thank you so much for caring about your grandchildren and their needs, it’s nice to know you don’t consider us worthy

Put the phone down and block

No, people don't feel like that. Those who are disabled or have long-term illness deserve more support and they should not have to fight for what they get. Well done for getting through the process.

Don't tell him such things in future. Waste of energy
Ds is entitled
Make use of the car

What a nasty man! My PIL can be a pain but they’d willingly have given us their last penny to help out in a situation like you’ve described