FIL comments about son's DLA

[WWYDNameChange]

First of all, apologies if this doesn't end up in paragraphs, it should have them, but the app always messes them up for me!

DS is 4 and severely Autistic. He's non verbal, doesn't understand language and can be extremely difficult to manage when out and about. We're currently hiring a SEN pram which is costing us a fortune whilst we wait for special twin one to be made (DS2 is almost 2 and also on the pathway)

Anyway. We see PIL maybe 3 times a month by their request. Tbh, the visits are always a bit stressful as FIL seems very unaware and unsympathetic towards his grandson. FWIW his youngest daughter is only 5 and StepMIL is a childminder, so it's not as if he's not used to being around small children or anything.

FIL seems obsessed with money and seems to 'jokingly' go on about what benefits we get. Even though myself and my Husband don't even claim half the stuff we're entitled to because we get by okay.

Now that our son is 4, we decided to apply for Hight Rate Mobility DLA. We spent months doing the form, which is a gruelling process, gathering all types of reports from different people and even sent in a mandatory reconsideration after he was rejected.

This week, the DLA have awarded DS high rate care and high rate mobility until 2031. I honestly sobbed for four hours with relief. This is absolutely life changing for us, we'll be able to order a car that's safe and big enough for the equipment we need to bring with us, as well as cutting down on the costs of taxis and trains (currently can't afford to run a car at all) DS has several appointments a month, all 10 miles away from home. It's currently a 3 hour round trip on the bus, whereas it's 20 minutes in the car. My Mum and Dad help out where they can, often with lifts and emotional support as they can't physically look either DS.

Anyway. DH phoned FIL to tell him the good news, my parents were over the moon for us and understand how hard we worked to get DS what he deserved. FIL's first and only comment was, 'Well my taxes better not be paying for it.'
Is this how people really feel? Is this what everyone will think of us? Will people really feel resentment at a disabled child being entitled to a mobility car to ensure his safety and quality of life?

I feel so hurt. I half want to give him the DLA form and tell him he's lucky his daughter doesn't meet any of the criteria. This was a celebration for us, even if tainted with a bit of sadness that our 4 year old is now officially severely mentally impaired (that's the name of the criteria he falls under for DLA)

We're supposed to be visiting tomorrow, I don't really want to go, but feel like I need to say something? WWYD? Is there any advice? Or is this something we should just get used to?

I know it's an unpopular view, but Yes, I don't see why the gov or tax payers should pay.

Some grandparents are just really rubbish when their grandchild has a disability. I once gave my mil a lift somewhere and we pulled up into a disabled bay she said “are you disabled?” I said “no but your grandchild in the back is...”

Denial at all costs

@Whatshallidonowpeople I can vaguely understand that. I think people like yourselves forget that the parents of disabled children have often had to give up very well paid jobs to look after their child and be around for all their appointments. The only suitable childcare we can find is 12 hours a week, that'll stay that way until he eventually gets a school place. Even if we earned all the money in the world, there's no suitable childcare for him at this time. So that means our careers suffer.

The government provide every other child with a school place for September, parents can usually pay for breakfast club as well. That won't be possible for us, we'll be lucky if he's allocated a place by January because of the waiting lists, then it'll still be 9-3 with no chance of extra care. I start a good job with the government in October, my husband will become full time carer. There is no physical possibility of us both maintaining a career. We would much rather the government provide suitable care for disabled children so that we can provide a better income, but until that happens, DLA and other benefits are absolutely necessary for the survival of disabled people and their families.

Whatshallidonowpeople I wonder if you would feel the same way if you had OP's problems. Maybe your DH had a stroke, you had to give up your job to care for him, or you could be a car accident away from the whole family having life changing injuries. You'd really want no support and save a few quid on tax?

You have done really well there, I wouldn’t believe it either! Haha. It’s good to hear of a good case though rather than people being repeatedly let down.
Thanks for the info about the car will look into it some more.
I think I will have to go more in-depth next time. My son was in a special nursery before he was even three and has continued on at the school there so has always had EHCP for support etc but still only got it awarded till tenth birthday.
I think they just pick and choose, my son has autism and adhd with mri scans to show brain damage, when I tried to get a pushchair for a very long, constantly fighting, throwing himself on the floor or running out in front of traffic 5/6 year old I was told they are not for children with “behavioural problems” I was lucky a friend gave me one that she no longer needed it’s a life saver.
I’m rambling and detailing your thread, sorry.

Congratulations on getting the award. We've just filled out the form to renew our DLA so I know what you've been through.
Your FIL is out of order. We pay taxes to protect the vulnerable in society, which is one of the things the DLA is for. we've kept our son's DLA word fairly private to avoid idiotic comments from people like your FIL.

I pay taxes....exactly for kids like yours. That's what a welfare state is for.

@Guacamoledip look at TwinsUk they provide specialist prams through loads of different charities and the ladies are absolutely lovely. We're waiting on a disability double for our two boys, but they do singles as well!

Apparently, what helped our case was the letter I wrote for mandatory reconsideration. I used the Autistic Society guidelines for the severely mentally impaired category. I wrote a few paragraphs detailing his mental assessed age vs his actual age, also explaining his size is double that of an average 4 year old etc.
Then I bullet pointed each of the criteria and wrote why DS met the requirements. I think laying it out like that abolishes the awful questions on the form such as 'Can you child walk 10 meters' 😒
We also got a letter from the GP aboht the need for a mobility pram and a letter from nursery detailing the restrain procedure they have in place and the extra risk assessments etc

Anyway. DH phoned FIL to tell him the good news

And that’s where you went wrong, After his previous little digs. Screw him OP. Some people do feel like that yes. Some people feel like that about anyone with children receiving any sort of benefit for whatever reason. You can’t change it. You can learn not to care though and avoid talking to people about it who you know are dicks.

Glad you got the award. Far as I’m concerned that’s exactly what taxes are for!

Wow you have a lot to deal with and sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job. I work with autistic children and know how hard work it can be for parents. From diagnosis to support it seems a constant battle. So you should get every penny you can. Your FiL is obviously an insensitive thoughtless muppet who should learn to shut up.

Just showed this thread to my friend - she says tell him she's a 40% tax payer so she's got you covered and he's not to worry his pretty little head about it.
I would go very low contact with them if DH is in agreement. Knock the visits down to once a month max. None of you need the additional stress of dealing with this idiot.

Is this how people really feel? Is this what everyone will think of us?

No! It's just what this particular fuckwit of a person feels. I at least couldn't think what else would be a more important use of tax funds than looking after a child (or any other person) with a majorly life affecting health need.

I had a very similar comment from a ‘friend’ of DH.

I had to retire on ill-health grounds at Christmas. I receive a (small) public sector pension. This particular person commented “I wonder how much that’ll cost the taxpayer”.

My response was “A hell of a lot less than the cost of the support worker that the taxpayer was paying for to keep me in work” but I should have just told him to f*ck off.

You can happily have my taxes. I don't take the attitude of your FIL at all. I'm glad you've got what you're entitled to

Hold your head high you're doing your best I'm sure.

@WWYDNameChange as a higher rate tax payer for most of my adult life (as well as the corporation tax bill my company has to pay each year) I can honestly hand on heart say that no, this is absolutely categorically NOT how I feel!!

Cases like yours are exactly where I would want my taxes to be going.

Your FIL is a grade A tw@t

@Crunchymum DLA for a 4 month old?

I didn't know they awarded it so close to birth. I was still tending to my stitches when my DD was that age!
Now she's nearly 4 years old and showing major signs of Autism. If she gets DLA then we'll both be disabled!

Yes, my 4mo receives DLA. You can apply once they reach 3 months.

Thanks for the advice, lots of good pointers there. In this sort of situation it’s definitely about what you know and it’s about where you can find information.
The forms are ridiculous, can the child walk x amount of metres? Well yes he can, but will he? No. Have you ever carried an 8 year old around for a substational amount of time? is what I want to put.
In fact it’s the same problems all over again if you need respite. The questionairre will only allow you to score top marks if your child has a physical disability. There is nothing about aggressive behaviour, with no sleep and smearing faeces 3 times a day.

Your fil is an absolute dick!! My niece and nephew both get high rate dla like your ds as they are severely disabled. If i heard your fil make those comments id not be shy in telling him what i thought of him. Im sure you like my sisters would swap all the money in the world for your child not to be ill but the extra money is a godsend for all the equipment/extra costs incurred with the disabilities that are present

Why are you not claiming for the rest of the stuff? You should!

What a total dick! Unfortunately as parents with a child/children with SN you need to develop the hide of a bloody rhino.

Ddad seems to think autism can be cured with a serious hiding now and again.

Your FIL is an absolute arsehole, I have one just like him and thankfully we are no longer in contact. I thoroughly recommend it! Whilst you are at it, I would read Susan Forwards Toxic Inlaws and possibly buy her Toxic Parents book for your DH, it is illuminating!

If you are looking for an adapted car contact the Automotive group, I think they are based in NE England but they drive all over the country to let people try out vehicles. You will be entitled to a grant for an adapted vehicle from Motability, this is a pre-payment and they then take the mobility part of your son's allowance every month as with ordinary Motability cars.

automotivegroup.co.uk/

There are different types of adaptations that they will be able to advise you on. I am severely disabled and have a VW Caddy life with a ramp that I can drive up with my powered chair. They also do lifts for equipment- wheelchairs/ it is life changing having the ability to travel with everything that you need. If your ds2 is likely to need equipment, make sure to tell automotive as the hire period for an adapted vehicle is 5 years instead of the normal 3.

Yep, the care part of dla is from 3 months. One of my boys got it aged 5 months and the other from 3 months.

ignore him
if you are entitled to anything claim it