To want just one Christmas the 4 of us?

[cadburyegg]

Fully expecting to be told IABU.

DH and I are only children. We have 2 DS's, 3yo and a baby. Ever since we met, apart from the first year we have been together we have seen both my parents and in laws on Christmas day. They live within an hour's drive of us, so it's doable. After DS1 was born both sets of parents have come to us. I have often suggested to DH that we could have 1 day just us, but he's always said no and MIL has always insisted she see her son and grandsons on christmas day. Last Christmas I was heavily pg and so DH said he would do everything but that didn't happen, obviously.

My dad was diagnosed with alzheimer's earlier this year. Early stages so he doesn't need care at the moment but he is often aggressive and gets confused in different environments. Last Christmas he was very confused and didn't really understand what was happening, I think it was too overwhelming. So I don't think him and my mum will come to us this year so it will just be us and in laws.

I just want one nice relaxed Christmas day where we can do what we want and eat what and when we want rather than have to hurry Christmas morning etc etc before people arrive. AIBU to want just one day where it can just be me, DH and our 2 young boys??

You should do what makes you happy op, however how would you feel about your babies one day deciding they don’t want to spend the day with you when they are grown up and have their own families.

Is there a happy medium? Like spending the morning together?

I don't think you're unreasonable to want it, but I doubt you'll get it.

Sorry, didn't mean to send just that!

Do you normally get on with your ILs? I can understand why they would want to spend Christmas with you all. Does it have to be a pain? Couldn't you do things your way, but with them there, too?

Wow how charitable

We did Christmas 'just us' last year and it was bliss. Usually we take it in turns to visit family (they are opposite ends of the country) but we decided to take a year off, and enjoyed it so much we are doing the same this year.
We'll visit my DP and DPIL in the run up to Christmas for a weekend each, but for now (with such small children) Christmas is all about our little family unit.
I don't think YABU at all, try to arrange seeing each side in the run up for a special meal etc.?

Last Christmas I was heavily pg and so DH said he would do everything but that didn't happen, obviously

This jumped off the page when I read your OP. If he is refusing to compromise and demanding that his parents come, he can do all the work. Do not lift a finger, not one.

If he doesn’t do anything, tell ILs to direct any complaints to their son.

Can you do boxing day lunch with his mum and visit yours either before of after instead?
I wouldn't accept doing every bloody xmas as host. I know some on mn love it but not me.

I can really relate to this but unfortunately it very much depends how much importance your in laws put on THE DAY. If your husband and MIl are putting on the pressure you dont have much of a chance. Otherwise you could try to have them on Boxing Day . Hard though it is, there will come a day when they are gone and it may be easier not to cause too much upset. Do your children like the current arrangement? If its only you there may be ways to take the pressure off eg do an afternoon/eve with dinner at 5? Buy in food. I have done christmas day for 43 years and have just had 2 on our own, bliss

Remind your DH that his promises of doing everything last christmas didn't amount to much. Say as your parents won't be coming to you this year, you want to set a new normal. You all spend Christmas day as the 4 of you. Boxing you will host/visit whatever they would like. And they get to watch the children open the gifts from them. He chose last year, your turn this year.

I don't think YABU in the slightest. Christmas day should be how you want it for your little family. There's plenty of other days over the festive season to visit other family members and less stressful than Christmas day.

YABVU to be stressing about Christmas in June!

Did your husband spend every Christmas with his parents and grandparents?

Im on the fence with this one. I dont get the obsession you see on here at times with it just "being our little family unit". Its as if older relatives (even parents, inlaws) are suddenly not worthy of being in the immediate family or something. And for me Christmas is about families, the whole family. For me its irrelevant now as my parents and inlaws are dead. But if they werent I would come up with something. But your DH is part of the problem if you can write he didnt do anything obviously...why obviously? Why didnt he help?

Did your husband spend every Christmas with his parents and grandparents?

Whats wrong with that? I spent every Christmas with my Mum (we went to her or she came to us) up until she died.

YANBU. I lived in the SE while my family were still in the NW. Every Christmas it was me who had to go there, had to book annual leave from 21st or thereabouts to make sure I could get a train and not a coach, then after asking for vouchers rather than physical gifts due to me living in one room and having to lug everything back to London when everyone completely ignored my wishes. The first Christmas DH and I were together went like this: finish work on 22nd, drive from Beds to Lincs to visit some friends of his, then drive to NW to my parents. Stay in Premier Inn 22nd, 23rd, 24th & 25th - no breakfast served 25th & 26th, drive to Wales on 27th to meet his brother and sister, see his mum on 28th (stayed in hotel for another 3 nights), go to football on 29th then drive to mine in Kent on 30th. Spend New Year at mine, he drove back to Beds. The first Christmas we lived together I said I was not moving from our house but other relatives were welcome to join us. None did.

Sorry stayed in PI from 23rd.

YANBU Since having children we have done Christmas Day at home. We used to travel to family and it was always such a faff.
Now we do the family thing other days but from about 5pm Christmas Eve until Boxing Day morning we are at home.
It’s perfect. We do a simple dinner, the kids get to play all day with their new toys, we can start our own traditions, we can have a few drinks without worrying that one of us has to drive and watch what we want on the tv. We are planning to keep it like this until they are teens, at least!

I don't see it as an obsession to want this, to be made to do what you don't want is unfair. If a family member was going to be alone then yes that would seem wrong otherwise you should be able to choose how you want Christmas for your family

I feel we spend a lot of time in our small family unit so having Christmas with relations makes it more exciting for our children! Also our parents won't be here forever I hate to say.

Laguna, I suspect Sparkle is trying to see if DMIL is being unfair in expecting 1 thing from her DS, but not having done the same when he was small, or if DMIL is in fact following on from exactly what was done in the past (that all important word - "tradition"!). There is nothing at all wrong with spending the day with your family, if that is what everyone wants and everyone is happy about it (and preferably there's some sharing of the burden between everyone too). But Cadbury would like one Christmas where it is just a relaxed day with her nuclear family - a different kind of Christmas day - rather than the one which she is being forced into by her DH. And that's where the discussion should happen, where both DH and DW can talk about it openly and express their wants, before reaching a compromise that each can be happy with.

Either way, I think you would be perfectly entitled to at least discuss it with your DH, OP. Maybe try and tease out what HE would like to happen, in detail.

What does he like about his DPs coming.

Is there anything he doesn't like.

Definitely remind him if he didn't step up as promised last year and make it clear that you want things to change.

You will not be working to anyone else's timetable but what suits the immediate family, particularly the 2 small DSs.

Can you put boundaries on it in some way? Having a gathering before or after 25th? Or limiting what they expect to get of the day - asking that they not turn up until a certain time to allow the DSs to open their Santa presents and enjoy playing with them for a while (and you getting to enjoy it too), being clear on when you expect them to leave to allow you to relax together, or that you will be playing family games rather than watching the Queen's speech (or whatever boundaries you need to make it the day you want).

Also, is it up to you to cater for everyone? Do they bring anything? Do they help? Do they make demands on the menu etc?

Definitely get DH into a conversation on what he expects to happen, and how HE will get involved, and also how THEY will get involved. Reminding him (again, if necessary!!) about not stepping up last year as promised.

Perhaps he doesn't realise exactly how much work is involved in "Christmas", as a whole, and in "Christmas Day/Dinner" specifically.

So lay it out, and with a list of jobs in front of you, agree who will do what AND WRITE IT DOWN! So he can be reminded that he agreed to to certain things, and you agreed to do others - but you can call him to account if he doesn't do his part, (perhaps even to the point of cancelling the day if its not organized?).

Come and join us on the Christmas Board, as there are lots of people who have had similar issues and there is lots of advice over there (all year round but we do try not to shout it from the rooftops until later in the autumn).

You will only have small children and Christmases once.
It is so very important that you have what is right for all of you.

One day you will be the grandparent perhaps you might like to start your own family traditions that will last down the generations.

You will look back on these special occasions when your children are grown and remember how Christmas was when they were small.
Make sure you are creating memories that you will reflect on with a smile.
Do not look back with regret that you weren't firmer in your resolve.

Its xmas. Suck it up. Its not supposed to be about lounging and pigging out.
Its supposed to be about family and goodwill

Do it!

But as a PP said, you need to be prepared to have Christmas on your own too, in your turn!

I really, really don't understand why grown adults get so emotional about where they spend Christmas Day. It doesn't matter if you see people on the day itself, on Christmas Eve, on Boxing Day, or any other day - they are all just days. Father Christmas isn't real. Magic isn't real. It doesn't actually matter if it's one day or another unless you're really, really Christian.

I had meant to add that changing for 1 year may only be for just that year, and going back to "traditions" the following year. But some people find that terribly difficult to contemplate for some reason, and cannot cope with Christmas (or other specific events or milestones etc) ever changing.

It may take a couple of months/years of talking about it and giving hints, and explaining why you want to try something different (but not necessarily wanting to exclude people or hurt people in the process). Lay out the positives for others too, and make sure you find ways to celebrate the SEASON with them, even if not the actual day itself. So find other days to have a nice dinner together, or arrange to do an activity together (like start a new tradition of going to the Panto or something), which will show that you are not rejecting the ILs, just that you want to change some things about the day itself.

We've never had a Christmas without MIL staying with us. DH has siblings but they're not celebrating-sorts so she stays here. I don't mind it, plus my Mum and her DH come to stay, too, so we have a 'big' Christmas without having to take the DC to lots of places.

To be honest I think I prefer Christmas when there's lots of us; it's really the only time of year we all get together and relax every rule in the house. It's my favourite time of year.