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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want just one Christmas the 4 of us?

133 replies

cadburyegg · 08/06/2018 15:07

Fully expecting to be told IABU.

DH and I are only children. We have 2 DS's, 3yo and a baby. Ever since we met, apart from the first year we have been together we have seen both my parents and in laws on Christmas day. They live within an hour's drive of us, so it's doable. After DS1 was born both sets of parents have come to us. I have often suggested to DH that we could have 1 day just us, but he's always said no and MIL has always insisted she see her son and grandsons on christmas day. Last Christmas I was heavily pg and so DH said he would do everything but that didn't happen, obviously.

My dad was diagnosed with alzheimer's earlier this year. Early stages so he doesn't need care at the moment but he is often aggressive and gets confused in different environments. Last Christmas he was very confused and didn't really understand what was happening, I think it was too overwhelming. So I don't think him and my mum will come to us this year so it will just be us and in laws.

I just want one nice relaxed Christmas day where we can do what we want and eat what and when we want rather than have to hurry Christmas morning etc etc before people arrive. AIBU to want just one day where it can just be me, DH and our 2 young boys??

OP posts:
Nesssie · 08/06/2018 15:59

have often suggested to DH that we could have 1 day just us, but he's always said no

YWBU if you expected to get what you want at his expense.
If he wants to see his mother on Christmas Day then that is his choice, but then he needs to be doing (at least half) the work.

DarlingNikita · 08/06/2018 16:00

Last Christmas I was heavily pg and so DH said he would do everything but that didn't happen, obviously

This leapt out for me, too, especially the 'obviously'.

If he wants to host people then HE can jolly well host. If he really, actually, had to plan and do everything, I wonder if he'd be so dead set on seeing his family?

Buxbaum · 08/06/2018 16:00

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that you'll be at home this year and to plan the timings to suit you, ask PILs to bring contributions for the meal, have pizza or a curry if you don't want to do a traditional Christmas lunch etc etc.

I don't, however, think that you can exclude your PILs or parents from the whole day if they want to come. Sorry. This might get me a flaming but IMHO it's one of those things that falls disproportionately on your shoulders as an only child, and is compounded in your case if both you and DH are onlies.

MysticMeggyMoo · 08/06/2018 16:01

We have a rule that we spend Christmas at home, just the 4 of us. It prevents either set of parents getting upset that they are missing out.
We live a good few hours away and the thought of travelling with 2 little children (neither travel well!) does not fill us with joy.
Both sets are welcome here but as other pp have said, we have never had that offer accepted. They like to have Christmas at their homes as do we!
YADNBU. Its not even as though you are proposing to make this a yearly thing, like we have.

Catservant · 08/06/2018 16:01

Could you go to them? My ILs live about an hour away and one year we had Christmas morning at home then drove over for midday and stayed the night, it worked out fine and no stress as someone else was cooking! Personally though I love hosting at Christmas and the more the merrier. Could you ask that they prepare some of the food and bring it over so you’re not doing the whole thing by yourself? I do understand where your coming from but I couldn’t leave them on their own at Christmas, it doesn’t seem right somehow.

Imsosceptical · 08/06/2018 16:03

YANBU! As a child growing up my christmases were only ever my parents and siblings and same for hubby. Now though, the ‘Christmas day’ chat starts in June... as in who’s going to host us? Invariably it is us, we find we sacrifice Christmas Day to a day of complete hard work catering for the parents and in laws simply to allow us the rest of the days to ourselves. If we didn’t host Christmas Day we would be expected at various parents on Boxing Day, day after Boxing Day, New Year’s Eve etc and it’s a heck of a lot of travelling and the driver can’t have a drink. But, Christmas Day is hard work, it starts with breakfast (they sleep over due to travelling distance) and doesn’t stop until bed time, no one offers to help, it’s just a day where they expect to be wined, dined and every whim catered for, it’s bloody hard work!!!

tillytrotter1 · 08/06/2018 16:06

Our daughter and husband decided to have Christmas at home, they usually came to us and then visited all his family from our house. Other daughter was off on her travels abroad. After Christmas we were asked what kind of Christmas we'd had by them, Brilliant we said, did exactly what we wanted and didn't bother with a blow out meal. The offended faces were a picture.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 08/06/2018 16:08

Christmas conversations in June??!!

danci · 08/06/2018 16:13

YANBU but I wouldn’t do it this year.

Firstly because it’s way more fun being just immediate family when the kids are big enough to play with each other and they’re all aware, so you may want to keep your powder dry for that.

Secondly, it’s the first year your parents aren’t coming. If you refuse your in laws this year the message you will be sending to DH and his parents is that you were prepared to tolerate their presence when your own parents were there too, but you don’t actually see them as equal family and when you don’t have to put up with them because he’s invited his parents as you’ve invited yours too, then you just don’t want them there. That’s not a very nice message.

If I were you I’d have the in laws this year then put my foot down about the following year.

MotherofKitties · 08/06/2018 16:19

No, you are not being unreasonable.

I've spent my whole life travelling for Christmas and new year due to divorced parents, and last year with our new baby my DH and I said we were staying put for Christmas, but if anyone wanted to join us they could. They didn't for Christmas, but did for NYE. It was lovely; very quiet, but just what we needed.

Won't be doing it every year but I see no reason why you shouldn't have the Christmas you want!

Maelstrop · 08/06/2018 16:21

I don't, however, think that you can exclude your PILs or parents from the whole day if they want to come.

Oh, I think you can! I think it’s the dh that’s an issue here. Why can’t they occasionally have a Christmas Day just the 4 of them, especially if that’s what the mil did?

pigmcpigface · 08/06/2018 16:22

"Christmas conversations in June??!!"

Why does someone always say this?

Some of us have to plan ahead for Christmas because we need to be organised. We need to book flights. Or to arrange long car journeys. Or to negotiate with two different families and sets of friends in two different parts of the country (or world) about where everyone will be and when. We need to book annual leave, in conjunction with colleagues, to make sure there is cover. We need to book accommodation. No-one says "Why are you booking a summer holiday 6 months in advance". Christmas can actually involve MORE organisation for many of us.

SoddingUnicorns · 08/06/2018 16:24

@pigmcpigface well said! Especially with the summer holiday comparison, nobody bats an eyelid at planning that months in advance!

MumofBoysx2 · 08/06/2018 16:26

Book a holiday away, and just tell them. You are allowed.

EstrellaDamn · 08/06/2018 16:30

I doubt it's all it's cracked up to be when you've got little ones. It's the family coming over that makes it different to a random Wednesday of feeding and naps and nappies.

When we had little ones we stopped being the guests and became the hosts. More hassle in some ways but less than others.

I think my mum would be heartbroken if I told her I didn't want to see her at Christmas even though we don't live too far apart.

Gottagetmoving · 08/06/2018 16:30

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable!
Why should you have to do Christmas every year? Why should you never just have the four of you at Christmas?
Your mil may want to see her grandchildren on Christmas day but she should also accept you would like one bloody Christmas without them coming!
When my children were little we spent Christmases just the four of us. Relatives were welcome on boxing day or we would visit them if the wanted but Christmas day was for our children.

If your dh would do everything I could half understand him insisting his parents come, but he won't...and that doesn't even take into account that you would like next Christmas on your own. It's YOUR turn!

BrownTurkey · 08/06/2018 16:31

We have done occasionally, but it has pros and cons, you don’t get quite the same celebratory and dysfunctional familyness of christmas. And I was really glad that we had dh’s parents over for pretend christmas day the year before he died, as well as them having proper christmas day with his sister.
But I do get you, because by 2pm christmas day I have usually had it with everyone.

Mitzimaybe · 08/06/2018 16:36

YANBU but what do you mean by
Last Christmas I was heavily pg and so DH said he would do everything but that didn't happen, obviously ?

That is the crux of the matter. If DH said he would do everything but you ended up doing it all, then surely that is the perfect excuse to refuse to do it this year. Spend Christmas Day just the four of you then go to PILs (and maybe your parents too, depending on how things go) on Boxing Day. How lovely for the 3yo to have two Christmases - sell it like that?

StaySafe · 08/06/2018 16:38

We have always entertained one year and had Christmas on our own (+ 2 sons) the next. That seems to work well for us. No problem if either of the boys decide not to come one year, they are now mid 20's and I expect they might want to try Christmas with friends or away one year, DH and I would probably book a tiny cottage in an out of the way place or a swanky hotel instead.

Could you entertain family the weekend before Christmas or for New Year instead? When I was young we used to go to my paternal grandma for tea every Christmas Day, but never saw my mother's mother over Christmas.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 08/06/2018 16:47

Bear in mind that if you do this as the children grow you are modelling that they don't spend Christmas with you past adulthood. If you are happy for them to ditch you in future go ahead.

I think Christmas is a time for family, it's ok if they choose to celebrate elsewhere but mean to not spend time with them if it would make them happy.

Minniemountain · 08/06/2018 16:48

We're not travelling 6 hours to see DF via DM's or hosting lazy arse relatives this year. We are staying at home with DS and (helpful) MIL who lives nearby. I can't bloody wait I have bought panto tickets already

MoltenLasagne · 08/06/2018 16:50

If your parents aren't coming, could you go to your in-laws this year? You can arrange to come round for midday so you get a nice chilled morning together and you don't have the pressure of cooking. You could offer to bring starter / pudding / whatever if you think that would be too much for your PIL?

Ohsuchaperfectday · 08/06/2018 16:52

confused what an absurd post!!

This is ops life too and actually her Xmas is her Xmas she is more than, more than than within her rights to to have Xmas alone!! Her in laws can think Xmas is the most important day of the year, it matters not one jot!! This is about compromise and op and her husband!!

Just because you have done 43 years of hosting Xmas doesn't mean others have to be such a martyr slave.

summerinrome · 08/06/2018 16:56

Of course you need to do it!

Tell them now, we are having christmas on our own this year, given all the family health problems and the busy year. They have plenty of time, six whole months to make alternative arrangements.

Cave in this year, and expect to have them forever.

Organise a separate date for christmas day and keep something up your sleeve as a surprise to make it nice, fireworks or your dh dressed as FC.

You are being bullied into this, so stand your ground.

Noodledoodledoo · 08/06/2018 16:56

We did it last year and it was horrible. It wasn't by choice last year and it made me quite sad not seeing family on the day.

We are not close so it does mean I have a house full of guests but I guess I am lucky that all buy one muck in and help out.

Husband does his fair share as well and its all my family as his don't want to come or see us particularly!