To want just one Christmas the 4 of us?

[cadburyegg]

Fully expecting to be told IABU.

DH and I are only children. We have 2 DS's, 3yo and a baby. Ever since we met, apart from the first year we have been together we have seen both my parents and in laws on Christmas day. They live within an hour's drive of us, so it's doable. After DS1 was born both sets of parents have come to us. I have often suggested to DH that we could have 1 day just us, but he's always said no and MIL has always insisted she see her son and grandsons on christmas day. Last Christmas I was heavily pg and so DH said he would do everything but that didn't happen, obviously.

My dad was diagnosed with alzheimer's earlier this year. Early stages so he doesn't need care at the moment but he is often aggressive and gets confused in different environments. Last Christmas he was very confused and didn't really understand what was happening, I think it was too overwhelming. So I don't think him and my mum will come to us this year so it will just be us and in laws.

I just want one nice relaxed Christmas day where we can do what we want and eat what and when we want rather than have to hurry Christmas morning etc etc before people arrive. AIBU to want just one day where it can just be me, DH and our 2 young boys??

YANBU. Start laying the seed now, would DH drive the children over to his parents for a visit in the morning and they could come back for lunch (or if you think there may be some kind of 'delay' in returning, go over in the afternoon?)

How about just part of the day, rather than the whole thing?

It is slightly trickier in that you have no siblings to share the load, but you are absolutely entitled to spend Christmas with your own family, and by that I mean spouse and children.

Well have it alone if you want, yeah, sure, it is within your rights, but I think its a bit precious in some ways.

I agree with pp who said it is a season but that works both ways - why do you want Xmas Day to yourself, why not have Boxing Day or Christmas Eve as your "just you" day. Especially if people are going to be hurt not to see their only child and only grandchildren that day. Why not make other people happy if it is within your gift.

But full whammy hosting it every time, or indeed driving about all over - stuff that - have them over, in the afternoon at a time of your choosing, and get them to bring components of the evening meal. And your DH is an arse if he's not prepared to do some of the work.

Sorry about your dad, sounds like your mum will need your support even more, that needs to be factored in to decision-making too.

I’d worry about your mum being in her own at Christmas with your dad. It’s got to be tough on her and I’d imagine it’d be worse on Christmas Day. Sorry, I think it is definitely kinder to include them.

I think it’s good to alternate. We do Xmas at home with some parents/ILs, go to a parent/IL. This year we’re going away in the uk on our own. I’m looking forward to it. I suppose the issue is the only child bit.

It doesn't seem fair that your parents won't get Christmas Day sometimes, nor is it fair that you won't get a day on your own sometimes. It will probably cause a big fight but in your shoes I would push for alternating in some way. One year ILs come to you. One year you go to your parents. One year you have it at home and see both sets on Boxing Day. This is more than fair.

Thanks everyone for responding - v interesting responses! I’ll try to clarify a few things without drip feeding.

I realised my comment about DH not doing everything sounded a bit passive aggressive- he didn’t intentionally say he would do everything and then not bother. I don’t think he realised how much preparation was required - chopping veg, potatoes etc. I did all the ordering of food etc.

I think MIL would be v upset at the prospect of spending Christmas “on their own”. It’s not my aim to purposefully cause problems but I also feel that she has already had 33 years of spending every single Christmas with her DS which many parents don’t get.

I asked DH what they did when he was young and without fail they did the same thing every year - his GPs (mums parents) came over on Christmas Day and then they went to his GPs on Boxing Day. They were NC with his dads parents.

MIL and FIL don’t help with the cooking etc when they are here and dont play much with DS1. I do understand DH’s point of view in that we will eventually outlive our parents BUT his parents are late 50s/early 60s so not exactly elderly pensioners, and our boys will probably have left home before they go.

I agree it will be tough for my mum with my dad but I can’t see a solution in that area. I have thought about suggesting alternating things year on year but with my dad the way he is, that may well have to change

If your DH insists on it then give all the responsibility to him. EVERYTHING - the planning, the prep, the ordering, the shopping, the cooking. Don't take on the mental load and "project manage" - that's exhausting in itself. Leave it all to him. If he asks you how / what / how much etc., tell him that Google and YouTube have it all covered. Only if he has to do it all will he appreciate just how much he is asking of you.

Be prepared to have beans on toast and if it comes to that, HAVE the beans on toast, don't step in and sort it out for him or he won't learn.

I now do this. Christmas was far too stressful trying to accommodate everyone. In laws refuse to come for dinner but have theirs at 12 so want to be at ours by 2. We are still eating then or just finishing. They expect a buffet tea at around 5 and we aren't hungry! I spend all morning cooking dinner with trimmings and all afternoon clearing away and cooking buffet food most of which wasn't getting eaten. Kids often abandon dinner as they want to open the gifts. I was missing out on my kids Christmas being a host and running round after everyone while they had all the fun of playing. My parents are easy they will see whoever invites them on Christmas Day (5 kids) and always just fit in with whatever is happening in that household, and we have a big get together at theirs on Boxing Day anyway. I've stopped having anyone over on Christmas Day and it's just us! It's bliss. We eat when we want play whatever games we want to with the kids and no stress about clearing away or feeding anyone else. I love it and will never ever go back to hosting Christmas Day again!!

YANBU

I agree with PP, if you do get railroaded into having guests, make it clear to DH that you won't be doing anything and then stick to it

That way he won't ever do it again.

I have to have widowed Mil otherwise she would be on her own. She eats everything in sight and then proclaims ‘oh I have such a small appetite now’ then later she starts claiming she’s hungry and asking do you have crisps. My Boxing Day stash of Pringles then gets demolished by her. She ate 3TUBES last year. This was in addition to a 4 course traditional turkey meal. Then we have watch what she wants tontelly and she makes sure to lounge with her feet up so there are not enough seat for everyone. Trying to get her out of the house the next day as we go back to work on 27th is awful!

I think MIL would be v upset at the prospect of spending Christmas “on their own”. It’s not my aim to purposefully cause problems but I also feel that she has already had 33 years of spending every single Christmas with her DS which many parents don’t get.

Why not be kind when it costs you so little? Presumably you are not working everyday up to and including Christmas eve and every day after including Boxing Day. It also sounds to me like your DH wants to spend Christmas with them.

It is unreasonable if they expect to dictate the terms of how the day is spent and think you should cook them a full on Christmas dinner to be served at 1pm, but if you rethink it and structure it in a different way - you have a relaxing morning to yourselves, and manageable food - then everyone can be happy.

FWIW I think a Christmas without other people around is basically just an ordinary day with some presents and might feel a bit flat (and you can after all, do that the next day) ; and a Christmas where you know other people wanted to be with you, and your OH is feeling sad/bad would be worse.

OP I don't blame you for wanting Christmas on your own, but doing it this year when your parents can't be there does complicate it. It can sound a bit 'it's OK to have MY parents round but not YOURS'. I know that's not how you mean it, but it's how it can very easily come across.

What's your DH like generally? Does he always do what his parents want, put their feelings above yours?

Can't you make Christmas Eve or Boxing Day the day for just your 'little family' boak, you don't need to do everything on one day, spread the presents out, decide when you are having the main meal - and make sure you get help.

Honestly Christmas Day on your own can be a little boring, I ended up doing the ironing one Christmas as I couldn't face another board game or Christmas tv with just my own family .

Yanbu you are your own family now so the obligation to parents come second. We have spent xmas just us and ds last year and it was bliss. Not catering to anyone and lazing around in pjs was just perfect.

you have my sympathy.
my dmum has been to us for xmas every year for the last 18. i had a bit of a hissy moan to dsis last year.
she has said she will invite her to hers this year. i have no doubt however she will decline and ring me. for context i have Dd10 and 2 adults dcs who come. we dont have beds for everyone so we end up with someone on a sofa bed in the only reception room. and i am supposed to enjoy this like Ma Larkin.
make a stand now.

I cook Christmas Dinner for about 5.30 this means there is plenty of time in the morning to see children open presents. We then eat a snack for lunch. My in-laws used to come over at 3ish and have a cup of tea while dinner was cooking. Perhaps some thing like this would work for you as a compromise.

1year at mil
1 year at dm and dd
1 year at yours alone
Maybe you could start with your alone time this year?
I do my family on Christmas Day and in laws on Boxing Day which is rotated around the houses

So did your DH actually do everything except the online food ordering last year? If so, I think it's reasonable of him to want to invite his parents again this year, as long as he's prepared to do most of the work again. At least he knows what he's letting himself in for this time...

Yanbu you are your own family now so the obligation to parents come second.We have spent xmas just us and ds last year and it was bliss. Not catering to anyone and lazing around in pjs was just perfect.

How festive! how special!
You could do that on- er- any given day of the year, really. Unless you live in A Christmas Carol.

YANBU

I’ve a large family and always have to travel on Christmas to see them (chatting an 8 hour flight plus car journey). It’s not worth the hassle or the stress.

This year me and DH are looking forward to starting our own traditions in our home with our new baby and DD1. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I wouldn’t accept as an adult to be made to feel like you and you alone are responsible for someone else’s happiness at the expense of your own.

What about good will from the grandparents, it’s not a one way street. How is it polite that one person can make a demand and everyone says how high, the op in the last 3 years has had 2 babies and her dad has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I think for one year the op can choose what to do for Xmas

It's not having family round that makes it festive or special though. It's what you do on the day that makes the difference, not who is there. WindDoesNotBreak obviously feels differently but having done both options, I've found it even better on our own!

Windoesnotbreak - fwiw I personally feel the same as you do re christmas in that to me is hate a Christmas just my nuclear family, I thought I was in the minority so it's nice to see I'm not odd! But, the op doesn't feel the same and that's fine too. I think it's very unfair to keep saying how she should be doing what makes others happy EVERY year, making out shed be very unkind when she can easily do it. Does her happiness not count then? Is she really not entitled to a single Christmas done her way? I find it so odd people saying she should suck it up because it's just another day, if that's the case why is it important she has in-laws over? Why should it not be important for op but is fine to be important for them? If she had refused to ever do it any other way then maybe she'd be unreasonable but she has always put the others first and has asked for one year her way. I honestly can't see how anyone thinks that's unfair.

We rotate Christmas . One year with in laws, next with my parents and then one just us

I have often suggested to DH that we could have 1 day just us, but he's always said no and MIL has always insisted she see her son and grandsons on christmas day. Last Christmas I was heavily pg and so DH said he would do everything but that didn't happen, obviously.

Think it might be worth tackling this with your DH, who would on the face of it be the problem here.