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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want just one Christmas the 4 of us?

133 replies

cadburyegg · 08/06/2018 15:07

Fully expecting to be told IABU.

DH and I are only children. We have 2 DS's, 3yo and a baby. Ever since we met, apart from the first year we have been together we have seen both my parents and in laws on Christmas day. They live within an hour's drive of us, so it's doable. After DS1 was born both sets of parents have come to us. I have often suggested to DH that we could have 1 day just us, but he's always said no and MIL has always insisted she see her son and grandsons on christmas day. Last Christmas I was heavily pg and so DH said he would do everything but that didn't happen, obviously.

My dad was diagnosed with alzheimer's earlier this year. Early stages so he doesn't need care at the moment but he is often aggressive and gets confused in different environments. Last Christmas he was very confused and didn't really understand what was happening, I think it was too overwhelming. So I don't think him and my mum will come to us this year so it will just be us and in laws.

I just want one nice relaxed Christmas day where we can do what we want and eat what and when we want rather than have to hurry Christmas morning etc etc before people arrive. AIBU to want just one day where it can just be me, DH and our 2 young boys??

OP posts:
bumblingbovine49 · 09/06/2018 08:42

I am sorry but I would not be able to leave my mum alone with my dad on Christmas day on in the situation you describe (unless it was what one or both of them wanted). I would worry about how they would cope. Emotionally more than anything as I assume they are coping somehow at the moment but something about the emotional expectations of Christmas would make me very reluctant to make my mother bear a Christmas day on her own with no family to help with my dad.

Given that I would feel obliged to host the ILs as well.

I do sympathise though. Christmas is a minefield and I definitely would not enjoy it much. But I would see it as being about my wider family and being there for them.

BarbedBloom · 09/06/2018 09:34

We are having Christmas just us this year for the first time. We are having the proper Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve and then party food on the day itself. It is difficult as MIL always asks us to travel up to her, but won’t come here as she doesn’t like the drive. This year H is working till late Christmas Eve and back on Boxing Day so we can’t do it. She has three other children but they all do their own thing really so she spends it with her brother and his wife. We don’t spend it with my mum as she spends it with my stepdad and his family.

I think alternating could be the way to go. One year with your mum and Dad, one year with in laws and one year yourselves. I think it is important to build your own traditions too and as a child I hate being dragged all over the place. If your H is insistent on his parents coming then I really would make him do everything involved with hosting

RedForFilth · 09/06/2018 10:22

Yanbu you are your own family now so the obligation to parents come second.
Just wondering how posters with these opinions will like it when they get cast aside by their children.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 09/06/2018 10:43

K22 she doesn't have to spend it frazzled in the kitchen. Seeing the GPs and having lots of relaxed family time are not mutually exclusive.

SaucyJack · 09/06/2018 10:58

"Without spending it with their grandchildren, what are they going to do all day?"

Eat what they like, get pissed in peace, and then shag on the kitchen floor?

I cannot wait until the kids leave home meself ;-)

duplodancer · 09/06/2018 11:00

It means so much to older people to be around small kids for Christmas and there are only so many years it's possible before the magic wears off for kids.
I would also love Christmas just us but it just feels too mean / selfish to rob the grandparents of that.

thecatsthecats · 09/06/2018 11:13

Our Christmas day was always just my parents and siblings. We saw my mum's family the Saturday before and my dad's mum on Boxing Day.

It was lovely. Now we have a new ritual of a special meal on Christmas Eve, because my sister and her husband go to his family for lunch.

In my experience,the worst thing you can do to the day is put too much pressure on it, and I'm far from averse to spreading out the joy with a series of special get togethers all around December.

lesemajeste · 09/06/2018 11:59

I am sorry but I would not be able to leave my mum alone with my dad on Christmas day on in the situation you describe (unless it was what one or both of them wanted).

I think it is what they want in this situation. OP says that last year the fuss was distressing for her DD.

lesemajeste · 09/06/2018 12:00

(Darling Dad, not daughter)

GummyGoddess · 09/06/2018 13:12

We are now alternating as of last year. One year for just us and one year with us hosting.

I am dreading the hosting this year, pil deliberately try and cut me out of interaction with my own dc, don't listen when DH or me ask to do something, insist on special food for just them and like to 'help' wash up by half arsed wiping of plates and stacking the nasty greasy plates in the cupboard.

My own family will have my dm asking if we're really going to do things 'like that' while trying to take over preparation, my db is a rather obnoxious teenager and my sister is a ray of sunshine that DH and I are grateful for. Db and dsis intensely dislike fil as he treats them like small children, chasing them to tickle them etc. Sister is an adult and hates to be touched like that!

Then we have BIL who is lovely and will distract pil from being overbearing if possible.

Then we have DH's aunt and cousin. Aunt gets inappropriately drunk and one Christmas was asking her 10 year old if she had considered lesbianism. Cousin is almost a teenager but is treated like an incompetent child that still needs babysitting.

Given all of this, why on earth should I matyr myself every year because 'family'?

I have mentioned the above examples to point out that not everyone will enjoy family Christmases. Just because some posters do, doesn't mean op should get the shit end of the stick year in, year out. She is important too and deserves to enjoy a day free of other people's expectations.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 09/06/2018 13:28

Gummy that sounds horrific. But is nothing like the situation OP describes.

GummyGoddess · 09/06/2018 15:18

Really? I hadn't even gone into the fact that they like to bring up politics and everyone from DH and younger shares one view and everyone older shares the opposite. Or that fil whined when dc1 was only tiny and cluster feeding all day that he didn't get to see him (he did! Just I was unwilling to pass a grumpy baby around like a parcel as nobody would give him back when he cried). Despite the fact that he tells me how dull small babies are.

Op hasn't said exactly why she finds the day with parents tricky. Possibly weight of expectations upon her, interference or just that she doesn't get to enjoy her dc's joy as she's busy hosting?

timeisnotaline · 09/06/2018 15:26

Everything else aside, If my dh had promised to do everything last Christmas and not, I’d say that was his opportunity to be part of the decision and he blew it. As he’s shown he can’t commit to the workload, he needs to go along with what suits you.

girlywhirly · 09/06/2018 17:35

I don’t think anyone has mentioned, Cadbury said in her second post that the PIL when they come for Christmas Day don’t help and don’t play much with the DGC, in spite of MIL’S insistence that she must see them on Christmas Day. This would annoy me a lot. Having seen her DS make a hash of the last Christmas meal, why didn’t she and FIL pitch in to try and speed up the process? Why do they largely ignore the DGC? They aren’t very elderly or infirm.

Cadbury, I suggest you have Christmas Day at home, just you, DH and DC. Go to your parents on Christmas Eve for a very understated pre Christmas celebration, whatever your dad can cope with. He will be happier in his own home. The DC could open their presents from your parents and you could have a meal. Invite PIL to yours on Boxing Day. This means you don’t have to rush to do meals on Christmas Day, and again they could bring the DGC presents to watch them open them. If MIL makes a fuss, you say that things are different this year, be very clear that your dad is ill and cannot cope with change, so will need to stay at home, and you need to celebrate there. Then you will be having your own Christmas at home on Christmas Day. However, you will love to see them next day.

You may find the Christmas topic a big help from September onwards, especially get ahead food for the Christmas meal that can be made ahead of time and frozen. And there are often posts full of advice on how to manage difficult relatives!

NewYearNewMe18 · 09/06/2018 18:01

I'm going to be very brutal.

DH & I both had relatively big extended family Christmases.

Believe-you-me, there's plenty of time for small just-us Christmases when all your parents are dead. And the brutal reality of having no extended family left, as you look at each other, just like you do every Sunday, is really quite chilling.

Do remember OP, one day, you will be the Grandmother , on the outside, with a DIL wanting a "just-us" Christmas …. your and your DH, or you on your lonesome own some.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/06/2018 18:21

My own mother spent nearly 30 years having Christmas made stressful by an elderly relative who would stay for a week, expect to be waited on and have cooked meals (when the rest of us were happy with leftovers). She has always told us as adults to vary our plans for Christmas and not to get into a habit that we may struggle to keep up with.

My elderly relative like your PIL was young enough to have found other ways to spend Christmas for some years and you can get together with family any time of the year.

NewYearNewMe18 · 09/06/2018 18:27

I'll also throw the bone in to the mix - and wait for the howls of 'outrageous' - winter is a lonely time, cold, dark, and it's no coincidence suicides peak over Christmas when people are left alone for long periods of time.

The ironic thing about Christmas is, celebrating the birth of Christ, who's ethos of course was "do unto others as you would be done by".

BlueJava · 09/06/2018 18:34

They key is to not fall into the trap of having every Xmas Day the same! Sometimes the four of us go abroad, sometimes have PILs or my parents.

I'm more than happy for my kids to have Xmas however they want when they are older. We don't always certain things done on Xmas Day anyway.

TomMarkle · 09/06/2018 18:37

Back in the real world, I'm glad I don't know anyone who treats Christmas as some sacred event which must only be enjoyed by your precious little unit - the same bolt the doors and keep everyone out mentality that some Mumsnetters advocate when a poster has had a baby.

It's one day. It probably matters much more to your parents and in-laws than you actually. And one say they'll be gone and you'll give anything to spend one more Christmas with them.

Find a compromise. Refuse to cook, buy it all in from M&S or book a restaurant (£££ of course) or ask which person is doing the cooking because you want to spend the day playing with the children - that's fine! But to not allow your family over the threshold because you're busy "making memories" and wearing matching pyjamas is just selfish.

You are your parents' little unit. Your inlaws consider your DH to be their little unit. Remember that.

Debfronut · 09/06/2018 18:39

When i had my first child I changed Christmas. Instead of taking them out of the house I did Christmas Dinner one year and and Christmas Tea the other on a rotation. I invited both sets of parents and our siblings but they had to contribute starter and pudding between them on Christmas Dinner year and something towards tea the other. Because it was my Christmas too and I wanted to enjoy my children. It worked well after the pouting had stopped. Nobody likes change and our parents are no different. We wanted to see them and for our children to see them but we had made our own family unit as well and it was important to show that. OP your DH and you need to act like parents and create the sort of Christmas you want for your family. My children are 14,15 and 26 now and still enjoy the time with their remaining grandparents and aunts and uncles but have said many times over the years they were grateful we didn't drag them around on Christmas day like so many of their friends were. You are grown ups now you need to act like it.Hope you can work it out.

LivingMyBestLife · 09/06/2018 21:21

Quoting redforfilth

Just wondering how posters with these opinions will like it when they get cast aside by their children.

Well I wouldn't call it being cast aside for a start - more like growing up and having their own traditions which is a good thing IMO Grin Do you always expect your children to include you? Why do they have to? Why can't they start their own traditions?

TomMarkle · 09/06/2018 21:49

but we had made our own family unit as well and it was important to show that

chocatoo · 09/06/2018 21:50

I find it hard going and sometimes get frustrated but we host every year because I don't like to think of the oldies being on their own. Its just one day. I suck it up and its hard work but I love them and its something nice I can do for them. They are always grateful. I hope that DD will take over the mantle if/when she settles but that will be up to her.

Ohsuchaperfectday · 09/06/2018 21:54

Talking about nice messages...

It sounds like both sets of parents sat and let heavily pregnant women host them?

What message is that, and how nice is it that on the nice scale?
Would you be happy if your son sat around on Xmas day whilst his heavily pregnant wife ran ragged?!

Op life is short, no one gives a shit about you have the Xmas you want

Caterina99 · 10/06/2018 00:54

We live very far from our families. Sometimes we go home for a big family Christmas. Sometimes it’s just us. To be honest just us is pretty boring. Especially with babies and toddlers. It’s basically the same as any other weekend with some presents thrown in.

I’d be inviting the inlaws, but eating at a time that suited me best (like 5pm). And get them to bring starters or puds etc.