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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want just one Christmas the 4 of us?

133 replies

cadburyegg · 08/06/2018 15:07

Fully expecting to be told IABU.

DH and I are only children. We have 2 DS's, 3yo and a baby. Ever since we met, apart from the first year we have been together we have seen both my parents and in laws on Christmas day. They live within an hour's drive of us, so it's doable. After DS1 was born both sets of parents have come to us. I have often suggested to DH that we could have 1 day just us, but he's always said no and MIL has always insisted she see her son and grandsons on christmas day. Last Christmas I was heavily pg and so DH said he would do everything but that didn't happen, obviously.

My dad was diagnosed with alzheimer's earlier this year. Early stages so he doesn't need care at the moment but he is often aggressive and gets confused in different environments. Last Christmas he was very confused and didn't really understand what was happening, I think it was too overwhelming. So I don't think him and my mum will come to us this year so it will just be us and in laws.

I just want one nice relaxed Christmas day where we can do what we want and eat what and when we want rather than have to hurry Christmas morning etc etc before people arrive. AIBU to want just one day where it can just be me, DH and our 2 young boys??

OP posts:

toastedbeagle · 08/06/2018 21:02

We managed it one year... by telling both sets of parents we were seeing the other for Xmas Day and hoping they never twigged

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 08/06/2018 21:04

Really I think it is something small to give ground over if you have the rest of the holidays to do whatever you like, whenever you like.

If MIL is going to be heartbroken, and DH thus feeling guilty/sad, for me it would be worth the compromise. I'd be having my relaxed Xmas morning anyway though, and the inlaws could arrive in the afternoon for an evening meal.

Why should it not be important for op but is fine to be important for them?
PIL will be hurt and a bit lonely is why. I'd understand not wanting to pinball between different relatives, or have 15 people to cater for, or to give up your bed. Whereas OP only has to specify the nature of the invitation and get dressed at some point during the day.

Singlenotsingle · 08/06/2018 21:11

Are you going to be happy on Christmas day if you know other family members are sad, lonely and unhappy because of you? Tell DH that he is going to do Christmas this year, and explain to the family that it's all in his hands. Then stick to it!

dildial · 08/06/2018 21:41

I think YABU to try to shut out your in laws.

Christmas is boring without small children to make it magical. Without spending it with their grandchildren, what are they going to do all day?

Christmas is about family.

Oly5 · 08/06/2018 21:44

Isn’t it just the 4 of you the rest of the year? Why wouldn’t you want your parents and in laws to see their grandkids on xmas day?
Yabu

Chattymummyhere · 08/06/2018 22:13

If Christmas is just like any other day the op could have surely it’s the same for the gps. They could visit any other day for dinner.

Why can’t the op have one year where she can have a relaxed Christmas with no visitors? Why does she have to spend it running around after everyone else? Everyone going on about goodwill but where is the goodwill to the op for what she would like?

Book a holiday and go away for Christmas that might change it a bit, a chef cooking the dinner and relax.

AgathaRaisinsCat · 08/06/2018 22:33

Could you have your Christmas lunch/dinner for the four of you on Xmas eve as the children probably won't want to sit down to a formal meal when they have presents anyway. You could then have all of the best Xmas food (gammon etc) on Xmas day itself and invite your in laws for tea (say from 4pm). They can have lunch at home and come to you after.

altiara · 08/06/2018 22:36

YANBU. But there could be other ways around it. If you’re main need is chilling in the morning and being relaxed, then is it possible to do this and go out for Christmas lunch, they could either come or see you in the evening? Although not easy with a baby/toddler. Or you could invite yourself to the in laws. Sometimes we have the morning as a 4 and then go to one of our parents. It’s great, we generally turn up and there’s food ready! Or as both our DMs are by themselves we don’t leave them alone if they’ve no plans but they fit in with our plans and help with the cooking. It’s less us hosting and more of a family pitch in and do their bit which I really enjoy.

Frazzledmum123 · 08/06/2018 22:45

Yeah I get that windoesnotbreak but no more lonely than any other day, if it isn't important. I get why they would be sad if it was a special day but then if it is so special surely the same can be said for op, she wants a special memory of her own and is just as entitled to that as the pil.

It's really difficult, I have a similar issue with mine, we really want to do a big holiday just us and the kids as with the pil there we won't see much of our children, they will be all over the grandparents. My mil would be deverstated to miss out and I'm struggling to know what to do. I love her and dont want to upset her but I desperately want this for us. When you spend all the rest of the year doing everything with them involved, is it really unreasonable to want a few special memories just of your own? I imagine being an only child the op has them involved in a lot of special times too and sometimes it gets a bit much no matter how much you care. I can see both sides but I really think it's important to make some memories that mean a lot to you too

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 08/06/2018 22:47

Chatty that attitude is why our society is full of lonely people.

We spent 4 years sharing Christmas Dinner with a friend of my mum's because his grown-up daughter (who he'd raised as a single parent) decided "her way" was to go on a cruise with her fiancee 3 Christmases running and then the 3rd year, when she'd had a baby she spent it with her inlaws. He'd died by the year after.

Why be selfish when being unselfish can make other people happy and not cause you undue misery or hardship? And when you can do what you want the next day?

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 08/06/2018 22:58

@frazzled going on holiday without the pils is, by contrast, completely reasonable. And they would be unreasonable to want to join you every time tbh.

Frazzledmum123 · 08/06/2018 23:07

It's Disney, she's not going to agree with you lol!

I guess it's hard to understand when people want something so different to your own ideals. I love the business of Christmas and remember us 'fighting' over who got to have my gran on Christmas day, us or my cousins! Ahh makes me miss my childhood

Frazzledmum123 · 08/06/2018 23:08

*Busy-ness, business, how do you write that?

happymummy12345 · 08/06/2018 23:11

Not at all. We still await one Christmas just myself dh and ds. It'll happen in 200 and never

Redact · 09/06/2018 00:44

I understand how you feel, and it's a lot of work, but it's one day a year. GP will love to see their GC ion Christmas Day and the kids like be to see their GP too. How would you feel if and when you are in the GPs position?

KC225 · 09/06/2018 01:48

So much emotional blackmail for the OP. She has small children one and three. She deserves a lazy morning of them opening present, building lego in pyjamas and not clock watching. She has stated that the in-laws don't do anything to help and don't play much with the eldest child. What about her Christmas? What about those magical moments she is missing out on? These are young people, who could easily live for another 30 years plus. By which time her children will have grown up remembering Christmas with a mum flustered in the kitchen. She is asking for one year (day) off. She is not saying she will never host or see them again for Christmas day.

ScrubTheDecks · 09/06/2018 03:11

Have Christmas dinner in tne evening.
It takes away the morning stress when you want to enjoy presents. It means you can invite relatives to join later in tne day.

Pratchet · 09/06/2018 03:16

Yes it seems like your turn. Your husband has had lots of turns.

As a last resort, tell them to come for tea at 5 o clock.

Pratchet · 09/06/2018 03:17

Kc255 good job, I agree.

Pinkyponkcustard · 09/06/2018 07:41

What have you decided to do op?

Chrisinthemorning · 09/06/2018 07:53

YANBU but at the same time I feel sorry for the grandparents who will be alone on the day.
I am an only child and my parents set no pressure on what happens. DH has a sister but she does what she likes, she’s not particularly family orientated and doesn’t spend Christmas with her mother. We always have MIL and my parents on Christmas Day.
I set quite specific rules though- I say come for 11.30 so we have Christmas morning the 3 of us. We have drinks when they arrive, then presents, then lunch mid afternoon. It is made clear that they must leave by 6, so we can put DS to bed before Call the Midwife 6.5 hours is enough family Christmas for me- as we see both families on the day we get Christmas Eve and Boxing Day to ourselves.
We have Boxing Day as very much a family day the 3 of us.

Pinkyponkcustard · 09/06/2018 08:07

Sounds like the perfect balance Chris. You obviously have set some boundaries and presumably have a dh who makes a fair contribution which is the underlying subtext here.

Glaciferous · 09/06/2018 08:16

GP will love to see their GC ion Christmas Day and the kids like be to see their GP too.

What about the other GPs? Or don't they count?

BillywilliamV · 09/06/2018 08:23

I have had exactly the same Christmas day at my SIL for 8 years now, its like Groundhog Day. My SIL is a veggie and cooks turkey accordingly, very few people drink, the children losthe it. BUT it makes my PILs happy and its only one day a year and we can stand it, So we do!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 09/06/2018 08:34

Secondly, it’s the first year your parents aren’t coming. If you refuse your in laws this year the message you will be sending to DH and his parents is that you were prepared to tolerate their presence when your own parents were there too, but you don’t actually see them as equal family and when you don’t have to put up with them because he’s invited his parents as you’ve invited yours too, then you just don’t want them there. That’s not a very nice message.

This is what leaped out at me, too. I think it's absolutely fine to want Christmas alone, but this year is a tricky one to start that - it feels a bit like 'if my parents, the real guests, can't come we might as well not bother with the hangers-on'. What might be more feasible is saying that you'll see both sets but not host - eg. lunch with your in laws and evening with your parents. That gives you some relaxing time in the morning, and means you don't have to do the hosting.

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