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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask the bride if I’m invited to her wedding?

393 replies

Tohaveandtohold · 08/06/2018 13:29

I know this would sound entitled as the only wedding I have to be obviously is mine but my work colleague is getting married. We are a team of 4 people and we are quite close at work, we chat, etc and I drop her off on Fridays as well when she’s going to her parents as it’s not just on my way ( she does not drive and stays with her fiancé the other days). We’ve literally talked about it this wedding since she got engaged last year. I even once followed her to the wedding venue. We go for lunch together, meal out, etc like I thought we were close.
Basically, 2 weeks ago, she gave the other 2 people in the team an invitation card to the wedding, I was there but she didn’t give me one. I still dropped her off last Friday as well and we have had lunch together almost every day this and last week and still no invitation card for me.
The other ladies have been checking for dresses online that they’ll wear but I can’t really.
Could I ask if I’m invited to the wedding or can I be invited and not have a card? I know you ladies will be honest and that’s why I’m asking as i’ll be dropping her off today and I’m sure we’ll talk about the wedding. Am I just been silly?

OP posts:
TheBogWitchIsBack · 08/06/2018 16:11

If she forgot she'd have turned to the op and said 'oh I appear to have forgotten to bring your invite, I'll bring it tomorrow' or something similar.
She didn't forget, it seemed very deliberate. Perhaps your day invite is in the post op but I would definitely not ask.
If she says no it will be awkward all round and if she says yes you'll never know if it was only because you put her on the spot and ended up with a pity invite to an event you weren't wanted at!
Not a fucking chance would I ask.

ChikiTIKI · 08/06/2018 16:11

Are the lifts going to stop before the wedding? If so, she might be planning to ghost you once your'e no longer useful to her. Or distance herself as much as possible if you're still going to work with her?

Sorry :(

bonnyshide · 08/06/2018 16:12

You: '(Bride's name) am I right is thinking I've not been invited to your wedding, as you seem to have given out your invitations already?'

Bride: 'yes, you are right I haven't invited you.'

You: 'I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to give you a lift anymore, I have joined a class on Fridays and will be driving a different route'

(No more lifts of favours for her!)

SandyY2K · 08/06/2018 16:13

@UserV

I wouldn't ask for an invite, I would ask why I was the only one left out.

You've no right to demand a reason for not being invited IMO.

You'll get a response you don't like it a lie...to save your feelings.

I think she wanted it known you weren't invited OP...otherwise she'd have given the other 2 their invites discreetly.

I've gotta say she's bold. I wouldn't be able to do that even if I didn't want the person there..unless their friendship and feelings meant nothing to me.

TidyDancer · 08/06/2018 16:16

This is weird and I know you're not supposed to ask but I think I'd have to. You can't not know.

adviceonthepox · 08/06/2018 16:17

I would have to say something! Just ask her on the way home. Good luck!

Luckyme2 · 08/06/2018 16:19

I wouldn't ask her if you've been invited. I'd ask her why you haven't been. My money is on it being a mistake but there are some cheeky buggers out there.....

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 08/06/2018 16:19

I would ask.
And please do because I want to know!

Emmasmum2013 · 08/06/2018 16:21

Ask her when you pull up at her house though. You don't want to have the full car ride home if she tells you bad news.

ChocolateWombat · 08/06/2018 16:22

There are several possibilities;

  1. Op has totally misjudged the friendship level between her and the office colleague. (This can happen - some people lack social skills and find it difficult to judge if someone if their friend or just someone who is friendly to everyone) - (unlikely, but possible)
  2. The Bride is a nasty bitch - has been good friends with Op and deliberately chose to give invitations to others in front of her,not make it clear she wasn't invited (seems unlikely)
  3. There has been a misunderstanding. (Seems likely)

The fact that invitations were given out in front of OP makes me think there is a misunderstanding. Even if the Bride doesn't consider OP to be a good friend and does consider the others to be good friends (which would be fine - no-one is entitled to be invited to anyone's wedding, even if they give lifts) it would be really odd to give the invitations out in front of the one person not invited. Most people really wouldn't do theis which is why I think it's most likely a misunderstanding.

Just to add, I have regularly given lifts home to someone from work. They talked about their wedding and their 40th birthday party a lot in the car, but I wasn't invited to either....but neither were others at work. The chat about the party and wedding were just normal 'what are you up to at the weekend' - it was absolutely fine. Whilst we were friendly at work and had a bit of a laugh, we never socialised outside work and so I didn't expect to be invited to stuff and wouldn't have invited her to my social stuff either. That work place wasn't really one where people socialised together, although it could have been that the powers on I gave lifts to did have a good friend or two at work who would have been invited...I don't know. They certainly wouldn't have given invitations to certain people in front of others, especially if there had ever been a sense that someone not be invited would have loved to have been.

Has Op misjudged the friendship and struggles with social signals generally? The starting post from OP is a little odd. S the Bride a nasty bitch who chose to humiliate the OP (unlikely) or is there a misunderstanding? We all hope to find out when OP has the necessary chat in the car tonight.

Hope it turns out to be a misunderstanding OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/06/2018 16:23

Hearing your similar stories, there are a lot of not nice cheeky feckers who are quite happy to accept favours from people, and then treat them like crap, op work colleague/friend is one of them.

Juells · 08/06/2018 16:24

I don't see anything odd about the OP's post 😨

Bibesia · 08/06/2018 16:25

Ask her when you pull up at her house though. You don't want to have the full car ride home if she tells you bad news.

Oh, I don't know. There would be something particularly satisfying in stopping the car and pointing out that if you aren't good enough to come to her wedding you're definitely not good enough to give her a lift.

BackforGood · 08/06/2018 16:26

Come on OP, you have to ask now. 1/2 of MN are on the edge of their seat, waiting for the answer Wink

Dahlietta · 08/06/2018 16:26

I'm also struggling to believe anyone could be so horrible as to invite two out of three colleagues in front of the third colleague, when all three colleagues think that the one currently without an invite is the closest to the bride. There MUST be a misunderstanding somewhere, surely?!

And to those saying, don't ask because you might just end up with a pity invite, I think I would personally prefer to be able to choose to believe that I was invited, but there was a mixup, than to have to carry on working with someone who had been such a cow!

emmaliz · 08/06/2018 16:26

Personally I would indirectly ask. Ask a question like 'Have you chosen your dress/flowers/cake yet (or whatever) . You must bring in photos so I can see what it's like' then she may wonder why you're not going to the wedding or just say yes I will -so then you know.

Claennister · 08/06/2018 16:27

I wonder if because you have chatted about the wedding in lots of detail and know when it is and where it is maybe she didn't write you out a card because you already know the information? She's maybe thinking, duh, of course you are already coming, best do some cards for the people who don't already know. It's important to be clear. Perhaps she hasn't 'not invited' you, she's just not bothered handing you a card telling you the information she's already told you countless times. You can guess either way, but the only way to know is to ask.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 08/06/2018 16:28

Ask her. Who cares about putting her on the spot? She didnt worry about making u feel upset when she handed out the other invites to everyone but u!

extinctspecies · 08/06/2018 16:29

In the past I have had good friendships with work colleagues which have included getting quite involved with their wedding planning, but we never saw each other outside work - lunches at work and the occasional drink straight after but never arranged to meet up in the evening or at a weekend or go to each other's houses.

We did not invite each other to our weddings; we didn't know any of each other's friends or family.

I wonder off this is the sort of friendship you have with your colleague OP? I note you call her a colleague, not a friend.

I'm afraid I don't think she intends to invite you to the wedding and it would be embarrassing for both of you if you ask directly. It does seem off and rather tactless that she invited the other 2 people in your team but not you, but maybe she views her relationship with them a bit differently.

Sorry.

Juells · 08/06/2018 16:30

No more lifts, no more chatty lunches.

AllMimsey · 08/06/2018 16:32

Maybe she's assuming that you'll give her a lift there Grin

SaucyJack · 08/06/2018 16:32

If it walks like a cunt, and talks like a cunt- then it's probably just a cunt.

She made a point of handing out the formal invites that she will have written out for all of her guests in front of you. There's nothing to misunderstand from where I'm sat.

Sorry OP :-(

Aeroflotgirl · 08/06/2018 16:33

Then extincts its very shitty to invite the other 2 work colleagues and not op, who sounds very friendly with the bride, more so than the others.

UrsulaPandress · 08/06/2018 16:34

The OP has already said the that two who have been invited were surprised as they thought the OP was closer to the bride to be than they were.

Whattheactualfuckmate · 08/06/2018 16:35

Ask !