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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask the bride if I’m invited to her wedding?

393 replies

Tohaveandtohold · 08/06/2018 13:29

I know this would sound entitled as the only wedding I have to be obviously is mine but my work colleague is getting married. We are a team of 4 people and we are quite close at work, we chat, etc and I drop her off on Fridays as well when she’s going to her parents as it’s not just on my way ( she does not drive and stays with her fiancé the other days). We’ve literally talked about it this wedding since she got engaged last year. I even once followed her to the wedding venue. We go for lunch together, meal out, etc like I thought we were close.
Basically, 2 weeks ago, she gave the other 2 people in the team an invitation card to the wedding, I was there but she didn’t give me one. I still dropped her off last Friday as well and we have had lunch together almost every day this and last week and still no invitation card for me.
The other ladies have been checking for dresses online that they’ll wear but I can’t really.
Could I ask if I’m invited to the wedding or can I be invited and not have a card? I know you ladies will be honest and that’s why I’m asking as i’ll be dropping her off today and I’m sure we’ll talk about the wedding. Am I just been silly?

OP posts:

nicslackey · 08/06/2018 16:36

"Ask her when you pull up at her house though. You don't want to have the full car ride home if she tells you bad news.

Oh, I don't know. There would be something particularly satisfying in stopping the car and pointing out that if you aren't good enough to come to her wedding you're definitely not good enough to give her a lift."
I would stop the car and let her (make her) get out if she said no. But then I tend to react to situations!!

bridgetosomewhere · 08/06/2018 16:36

Yes chat about the wedding on the way home and ask how many guests she has coming or who has rsvpd

PuppyMonkey · 08/06/2018 16:36

Ah, I’m waiting for the OP to come back and say the reason she didn’t get an invite is because the bride is actually planning on asking her to be a bridesmaid.

JessicaJonesJacket · 08/06/2018 16:37

Ask her. I'd hope she has put your invite in the post or through the door (since her parents live near you). It would be beyond odd for her not to invite you.

ManchesterGin · 08/06/2018 16:37

I probably wouldn’t be brave enough to ask but I hope that you have!

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 08/06/2018 16:38

Can you not ask one of the other girls to ask her so it’s a bit less confrontational if you’re worried? Like “we were looking for dresses and I asked OP what she was wearing and she said she hadn’t been invited!”

RubySapphireEmerald · 08/06/2018 16:39

I used to work in a team where they used to go out every other weekend, would talk about their night out, planning for it etc in front of me but I was never invited. Added to which one of them lived close to me and offered me a lift home every night. I never expected it, never asked for it, and would prepare to go home as per normal every night and she would offer the lift anyway which I duly accepted with good grace.

Fast forward to one morning when I was called into my manager’s office and Told that x colleague had been to her to complain that I was too expectant of lifts and really needed to stop as it wasn’t fair on her and was putting her under unnecessary stress. I pointed out that she had offered and not me to which I was told that I was the one in the wrong for accepting. . I then pointed out that the team regularly went on nights out which they discussed in front of all including me being the only one not invited to which I was told that it was my fault for taking it to heart. .

People are odd. Handing out invites to two colleagues in front of one makes a very clear statement that she doesn’t consider you part of the team and neither do the rest if they’re planning their dresses etc in front of you as well.

I would have to ask, not so much why I wasn’t invited or whether I was invited, but why she thought that it was ok to hand out invites to two out of three in a public place and not think that that would be taken the way it has been.

And I would point out at this stage that I wasn’t angling for an invite as it will only be a pity invite from here on in so there’s no need.

Although tbh I would be inclined to want to ask in front of the whole team so as to make the message very clear.

Nobody is entitled to a wedding invite, but equally nobody is entitled to be that crass and insensitive and not be called to account for it.

SuperSuperSuper · 08/06/2018 16:39

Either you're going to be in the wedding party (usher or whatever) or she's a cheeky user. If the latter, stop helping her.

Littlecaf · 08/06/2018 16:40

I wouldn’t ask. It happened to me! A friend messaged me the week DS2 was born asking for my address. I totally forgot to reply and saw her at a toddler group a few weeks later (we have 3year olds). She mentioned that she’s like to invite me but didn’t have our address. Going forward I didn’t receive an invite despite all of our friendship group getting one. I didn’t ask out of embarrassment- I even asked her if she had a good day after the event and she didn’t say anything! I figured that if she’d sent one and not had a reply from me, she would have chased an RSPV. I was too busy with a newborn and a toddler to remember!

WetPaint4 · 08/06/2018 16:41

I'm sure there was a thread just like this one in recent months, the OP hadn't been invited to her colleague's wedding and everyone else in her small team had. I think when the thread died off, the bride had gone on honeymoon. Wonder what happened when she got back to work.

Anyway, back to this, I'd have to have a quiet word with the bride if it bothers you. Not in a 'I want an invitation' kinda way, more an 'are things okay' kind of way.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/06/2018 16:42

Oh yes wetPaint, I wonder what happened when the bride came off honeymoon.

ohfourfoxache · 08/06/2018 16:47

Is it possible that she is going to ask you to be a bridesmaid and so hasn’t given you an invite?

FreeMantle · 08/06/2018 16:50

Ruby

I think it's odd the other two haven't asked the bride why either.
Lots of discussion in my small team ( who have all been invited to mine) about who in the larger work setting, friends, family is coming. They want to gauge the wedding to get the right etc so it's a normal wedding conversation I'd say.

sonjadog · 08/06/2018 16:51

I would ask. It might be very awkward, but at least you'll know.

MollyHuaCha · 08/06/2018 16:54

Of course, if the Daily Mail picks up this thread, you might not need to ask her at all because she'll read all about it herself and approach you.

Coyoacan · 08/06/2018 16:54

Hearing your similar stories, there are a lot of not nice cheeky feckers who are quite happy to accept favours from people, and then treat them like crap, op work colleague/friend is one of them

I knew one woman asked another to mind her four-year-old for a week and, at the same time, went around bad-mouthing her. I have always had a policy of not asking people I don't like for help and I definitely would never leave my child in the care of someone I was bad-mouthing.

Good luck, OP. Whatever the answer it is for the best.

Lizzie48 · 08/06/2018 16:58

She replied, horrified, that she hadn't intended inviting me at all!! I wanted to ground to swallow me up.

That was breathtakingly unkind, when she could have simply said, 'I'm sorry you won't be able to make it.'

I'd say you should ask in this instance, OP. It could have been a mistake. When I was planning my wedding, I was very careful with the invitations that needed to be posted, but with work colleagues I just gave an open invitation to the evening reception as we couldn't accommodate everyone at the main event. It's definitely worth asking.

RunningjustasfastasIcan99 · 08/06/2018 17:00

OP what time do you finish? Is there an age gap between you and the bride? Are the other office members closer in age?. not that that matters, just trying to work out her thought process.

NWQM · 08/06/2018 17:01

Yes, I'd ask but if you haven't already asked her then I think you need to decide first why you think it's a problem you haven't been asked. If it's because it's a small team and you think it's unfair that 1 person has been left out then ask her at work. If it's because you thought you had a friendship ask her during the lift. Both might be true but I'd pick which is the most important to you and frame the question accordingly. Otherwise it could all get complicated as to why you are asking why not. Ideally I'm not sure I would involve others - they know and haven't offered so don't seem to want to get involved.

summerinrome · 08/06/2018 17:02

I would absolutely ask her, you spend so much time together. Drop it into conversation like this.

Sue has found the most beautiful dress on line for your wedding, can I check if I have also been invited? I am not sure I was given an invite and I would hate to miss such a special occasion'

Stop.

Wait for the answer.

If it is a long line of excuses. Then you know what a complete she is and drop her instantly, of course in a nice way wishing her well and remaining on good professional terms, but no more lifts or lunches.

Or she may say she is going to or intending to invite you.

Problem solved.

RestingBitchFaced · 08/06/2018 17:02

Definitely ask - then report back here 😬

KeepServingTheDrinks · 08/06/2018 17:02

If it does pan out that the bride deliberately invited work colleagues in front of you and missed you out, then she's a nasty piece of work. But, like others, I do hope there's an explanation in there.

Ruby - that's terrible. I hope you're somewhere nicer now.

BabiesDontNeedDaddies · 08/06/2018 17:03

Some people just send their invites out in batches

Slundle · 08/06/2018 17:04

Oh gosh. I definitely would not ask her if you're invited to the wedding. People invite people by giving them invitations. She already sounds way too interested in her own wedding to be chatting about it to someone who's not even invited...if you have it in you at all, I'd play it blase...change the subject EVERY SINGLE time she mentions her wedding from now on and look tired and bored if the other two start talking about it...so rude and inconsiderate. I invited all of my work colleagues to my wedding as I was afraid of hurting anyone's feelings and didn't want any drama. I know everyone says, 'it's your day' but other people's feelings matter too and if it's your day, you shouldn't be chewing people's ears talking about it all the time, especially when they're not invited. Not.cool.

chocolateworshipper · 08/06/2018 17:05

Did the other 2 get invited to the evening only? If so, I'm wondering if you're invited to the whole thing and she's doing those invites separately

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