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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask the bride if I’m invited to her wedding?

393 replies

Tohaveandtohold · 08/06/2018 13:29

I know this would sound entitled as the only wedding I have to be obviously is mine but my work colleague is getting married. We are a team of 4 people and we are quite close at work, we chat, etc and I drop her off on Fridays as well when she’s going to her parents as it’s not just on my way ( she does not drive and stays with her fiancé the other days). We’ve literally talked about it this wedding since she got engaged last year. I even once followed her to the wedding venue. We go for lunch together, meal out, etc like I thought we were close.
Basically, 2 weeks ago, she gave the other 2 people in the team an invitation card to the wedding, I was there but she didn’t give me one. I still dropped her off last Friday as well and we have had lunch together almost every day this and last week and still no invitation card for me.
The other ladies have been checking for dresses online that they’ll wear but I can’t really.
Could I ask if I’m invited to the wedding or can I be invited and not have a card? I know you ladies will be honest and that’s why I’m asking as i’ll be dropping her off today and I’m sure we’ll talk about the wedding. Am I just been silly?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/06/2018 14:34

If she hand-delivered the two invitations to the other two on the team, it's not likely she made a mistake.

I hope you don't wait to stop the lifts if she hasn't invited you. And fuck not wanting to be awkward, she's the one who's rude.

ThatKitKatCrunch · 08/06/2018 14:34

I'd go with JungleBook's...

"Look I know this might be awkward but I need to ask something - you invited a and b in front of me to your wedding. Does this mean I'm not invited?" Leave the pause to her.
Then depending on her answer but am guessing it will be something like - limited spaces, you know how it is, really sorry if I could I would, etc. I would just leave it.
And then keep cancelling Friday lifts until she gets the picture. "Sorry I need to go the other way this week and can't give you a lift", "Off to pick something up - other direction to you, can't do this week", "Dentist this week - sorry can't help" until one day its time for the "Look this doesn't really work anymore does it - you need to sort yourself out on a Friday"

HerFemaleness · 08/06/2018 14:34

I'd ask. Close friends from my husband's side hadn't received an invitation to our wedding, it had got lost in the post. Their DD who had received an invite told them to ask but they didn't. I really wish they had asked or allowed their DD to ask.

moofolk · 08/06/2018 14:36

Ask.

melonscoffer · 08/06/2018 14:36

She may have a different invite for those closer to her.
Maybe something a little special for those she classes as proper friends.
Depending on how soon the wedding is I would wait to see if there is another set of invites in the pipeline.

Maybe there are more than one set of invitations.Yours might be different to the two other people because you are closer to her.

Some are invited to the wedding and reception, some just the reception, there could be numerous combinations of invite.
I hope so.

crispysausagerolls · 08/06/2018 14:36

At the beginning of your OP I was thinking "of course you can't ask, you haven't been invited". Now, having read everything, I am actually angry on your behalf and think this is an absolute CF and probably a bitch. How dare she not invite you after everything you do for her, and you consider her a friend! I would absolutely say something and not give a damn how awkward it makes her. E.g "hey Sarah, I'm a little bit hurt/confused that Jane and Milly were invited to your wedding, but I wasn't. I thought that we were friends".

NO MORE LIFTS ETC, What a fucking bitch.

DarlingNikita · 08/06/2018 14:36

'not long til your wedding now! By the way, I know the other 2 are going, am I actually invited as I haven't received an invitation'.

Totally this. Really breezily. Either there's been a mix-up or she's a massive piss-taking user. If the former, it'll get sorted. If the latter, you'll know not to waste your time on her any more.

LagunaBubbles · 08/06/2018 14:37

I would have to ask, inviting 2 people out of a team and leaving one person out is horrible.

Miserysquared · 08/06/2018 14:38

Maybe shes invited them to the evening do and you'll be invited to the whole day *grasps at straws

marjorie25 · 08/06/2018 14:39

I read six pages, just to see what her answer was?
Depending on the answer, I would not give her a lift anymore.
She is a user and not a very nice person.
When Friday come round, just tell her you an appointment and have to be home at this time.

TenuedeNimes · 08/06/2018 14:39

And then keep cancelling Friday lifts until she gets the picture. "Sorry I need to go the other way this week and can't give you a lift", "Off to pick something up - other direction to you, can't do this week", "Dentist this week - sorry can't help" until one day its time for the "Look this doesn't really work anymore does it - you need to sort yourself out on a Friday"

I know I'm getting off the track here but I have to say that, while this seems like a really good non-confrontational way of doing things on the face of it, if she's not NT it might be a bad approach. This is exactly the kind of situation I've been in a number of times and I tend to be fairly literal, so I take "I have to go to the dentist" to mean just that. Then when I get the exasperated "this isn't really working" speech I'm really confused, and often the person gets angry at me for not having taken the hint earlier. Not that I go around behaving like the bride in this story mind you.

OP I don't have any practical advice but I've been not-too-subtly left out of weddings before and it's really painful. I'd always far prefer that people simply address things directly rather than expecting you to figure out that you're not invited, but of course not everyone does Sad.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/06/2018 14:40

So you are the only one left out, that is shit, all that you did for her, and the way she treated you. Definitely ask, and make it quite awkward for her, and if she tells you, not invited, tell her the lifts stop immediately. Find your own way home. How nasty can somebody be.

Iamtryingtobenicehere · 08/06/2018 14:40

Just be brazen! Say “ I take it I’m not invited to your wedding as I didn’t get an invitation “ said in such a way that she doesn’t feel uncomfortable t say no. Then next times looking for a lift, tell her you’re not going that way. Repeat the “it’s not on my way” line as necessary.
She’s one cf.

Oysterbabe · 08/06/2018 14:41

I'm glad you're asking, better than wondering for months.

notapizzaeater · 08/06/2018 14:41

I'd have to ask just to know ....

Shadow666 · 08/06/2018 14:53

Good luck for the chat!

Poptart4 · 08/06/2018 14:56

Weddings really bring out peoples true colours. I've seen so many threads on MN from hurt people not being invited to a wedding of someone they thought they were really close to. Or at least close enough to go to the evening do. Inviting others in front of you is breathtakingly mean.

It sucks op but I admire your guts in asking her. If she says your not invited I would tell her straight that you feel used and hurt and there will be no more lifts or lunches.

spiderlight · 08/06/2018 14:57

I would have to ask, or it would eat away at me.

VanGoghsDog · 08/06/2018 14:59

@TenuedeNimes

It's not a 'hint', it's just a way for the OP not to give the lift, it's a lie.

If the CF takes it as a hint and stops asking, all the better, but if she doesn't that's fine, OP can either make up more reasons not to be able to give her a lift (until the house move) or just say "I'm not giving you a lift any more".

I wish I could say I'd do the latter but I'd probably just carry on giving lifts til I was bursting with resentment and then wriggle out of inelegantly.

margaritasbythesea · 08/06/2018 15:04

Fingers crossed it goes ok for you OP.

BackToTheFuschia7 · 08/06/2018 15:04

Oh that’s really mean when you help her out so much. Really brazen of her to hand out invites in front of you too. Maybe they’re just invited to the evening do and you’ll get an invite for the whole day soon?

ChocolateWombat · 08/06/2018 15:05

I think you should ask. Mistakes do happen.

Considering you think you get on well and she gave out other invitations in front of you and you have no reason to think you would be purposely be excluded and treated nastily, then assume the positive interpretation and that a mistake has happened.

People are quick to say she's no friend of yours, a user and you should stop giving lifts. People leap to the negative conclusion with very little info.

If you genuinely have considered yourselves to be good friends and were very surprised by the others being invited and not you, then broach it, either yourself or so one of the others to.

Have you mentioned to the others that they were given invitations but not you - ask if they noticed and what they think about it. You could raise it with her in the car when giving the lift....you are driving so no eye contact needed. Simply make a light hearted passing comment, not a big deal, emotional thing....'everyone's really excited bout your wedding and it's been great hearing about it from you each week. I know numbers need to be limited, but can I just check if I'll be getting an invitation too - as I saw you give them to the other team members'

Until you hear an answer to the question, keep an open mind. Don't decide she's a bitch. If she says you're not invited, listen to whatever reason is given, hold your head high and simply say you hope she has a great day.

If she says something mean or unkind, you can then decide if you want to continue with lifts.

However, given you say you've been friends and assuming you are accurate in judging that, I'd expect there has simply been an oversight or error, so don't get upset.

Or is there a chance you have seriously misjudged your friendship and aren't very good at reading signals about things like this? It can happen.

elQuintoConyo · 08/06/2018 15:07

You aren't invited, otherwise you'd have an invitation in your hands.

Drop the lifts, she sounds like a user. Just be unavailable - tell her you've joined a gym in the opposite direction.

NotARegularPenguin · 08/06/2018 15:09

Sounds odd that she’d invite the other two and not you.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 08/06/2018 15:09

I would have to ask too its so mind bogglingly rude that I find it hard to comprehend someone would do that. Surely if there are 3 others in your team you invite them all its not hard to find space for 3 people and it sounds like she spends a LOT of time with the OP probably more time than most of the others who are invited.

I do question those saying the other might have gotten evening invites and you an all day one. Surely you invite your day guests first and then if some cannot come you amend your evening invite list accordingly? Do people really do invites the other way around?