"Forcing" children to include others

[DorothyL]

If your primary age child was told they had to commit to one day a week choosing to do an activity that makes it possible for a physically disabled child to join in, would you think this is fair enough or that your child shouldn't be forced to play with another child?

Pigeon and Ginger make good suggestions about ‘no football’ days and a rota that isn’t explicitly centred around your son, but that would benefit him. What a horrible situation for your son. Have the teachers or school been at all helpful about this? Have you spoken to teacher in charge of pastoral care- or SEN? Some children I have taught have enjoyed helping in the office one day a week, helping with gardening (if the school has one)- having something to do not reliant on their peers.

I'm shocked to hear that this is the case in Y6!!!! I'd expect the children to be drawing up their own rotas and adapting their games without a teacher prompting them!!!

A good outcome of thids would be if a kid got to know the disabled child and they became friends. Not forcing anything. Just a natural result of spending time with someone.

YABVU

Yes it is fair, no child should be left out.

Is it just that your child can't physically do stuff? Or is it more complicated than that?

This is so sad. But actually, I don't think the disability is that relevant.

I think any child being left out is not good enough.

I don't think asking the school to do a rota would be a good idea, but it's worth talking to the teacher to see what they suggest. They won't want your daughter to be feeling excluded either, and it's often hard for them to know what goes on at lunchtimes when they have to get their own lunch and do all sorts of other things in that time.

They could possibly provide more games that would interest the football children so they naturally choose to do something else that your ds can join in with, or they could have one day a week of no ball games or something.

But lots of children do need that short amount of time every day to run about and play team games for various health and social reasons, so I don't really think it's fair to expect them to have to commit to not doing what they want with their own free time once a week, especially at this time of year in Y6.

I personally feel that yes, positive action needs to happen to ensure that people with disabilities are included. I would hope that the school are going to do more than just force children to play with him though. Maybe they should have some PSHE time talking about what people with disabilities can achieve - the BGT winner would be topical right now. They should also be discussing that everyone is different - and how it's important that we embrace our differences.

Yes I think you are being unreasonable, totally understandably though, and entirely counter productive. I'm speaking as a mum of a child with SN.

If your child can't play in the level of the kids other kids playing football then forcing them to do so is only going to create resentment. Inclusion isn't inclusion if it creates exclusion in the long run.

But the answer to what you do do is going to vary from school to school and depend on the design of the school and playground and the make up of the class.

It's so hard, isn't it. The problem is that kids will then be really angry with him, and probably make him even more isolated.

Is there any way you could talk with the TAS in your area on giving his class a presentation on what the spectrum means, and how to understand the ways in which his mind is different? DS did this with the autism lead in the area in Year Two, and found it really helpful. I was scared shitless, to be honest, in case it was a disaster and he was isolated afterwards, but kids can be remarkably kind and inclusive as well as absolute little shits if given the chance, and somehow recognising that he is different, and how, did seem to help. It also helped how he felt about himself. That he was different, not wrong.

In an ideal world, this should be managed so it was an opportunity for all the kids to learn about difference, and diversity, and not a means to create resentment. Forcing them to play games they don't want to, with a kid they don't want to, will just make him more isolated, not less, I think. It's hard though. I really, really sympathise.

A child in my DD's class was at risk of being excluded. Teacher made a point of telling him he could choose before breaktime who he would like to play with. Other children were all "pick me, pick me!" and wanted to be selected. Would that work?

Disabled child can be young for his age and yes at times difficult to engage with/on the spectrum

Is anyone teaching these children how to engage with and include this child? Or are the children expected to just get on with it and lump it? The latter is just going to build resentment, they're kids not psychologists.

Also, you say the majority of boys are playing football, not all. Can your child not join in with the other non-footballers?

Hi OP, I have just read the whole of the thread, I commented before reading the whole of it. Sorry I got it the wrong way round!

I would be furious with DS if he said that another child couldn’t join in a game because of their disability.

I think that compelling children to play with another child in their free time won’t lead to friendships, only resentment. However, I do think that something should be done to make your child feel included - setting up games which he can play and which are appealing to other children so they join him etc.

I don't think that's unreasonable, my DD is in year 7

Could the school let the child choose a few friends to do something inside that was a bit of a treat (something they're not usually allowed to do -e.g. little tea party, play on the laptops or whatever)? That way it would be exciting and a treat for the other kids to be chosen to do the special activity and would hopefully help foster friendships.

So is it something like, the children all love playing football at lunchtime (this was my school experience in the summer in year 6) but this child can't participate, so one day a week no one is allowed to play football to include the disabled child? Or they take it in turns to sit out of football to play with that child?

I would support my child being encouraged to be inclusive. However for it to be successful there probably needs to be some adult planning beforehand. My DD seems to play variations of Chase with her friends, so if she was told ‘Today you’re playing with X and it can’t be running around.’ then it would be difficult for her. However if a playground supervisor picked her as one of a ‘special’ group to learn a new game that your DS could join in, then I’m sure she’d be delighted. Or as a PP mentioned, an indoor board game group might go down well, but again would need adult supervision.

Do you think the problems are mainly his physical disability or is the ASD having more of a social impact now the children are getting older? What sort of interests does he have?

school need to give your son and others in a similar situation something really appealing to do... lego robotics? that the other children want to join in with.

they could have a no football day.

Posted too soon.

She is confident and friendly or a gobshite at home. The beginning of the year she was asked by pastoral care to try and include a girl (disability involved but not disclosed ) who was struggling with the move from primary and socialising with new people.

DD and her friends were upset they hadn't noticed her struggling and have included her ever since and they are good friends.

I don't think it's an unreasonable request and I'm sorry your little boy has been left out

GingerIvy makes several very good points. (As usual).

I think the school working more on inclusion and ensuring that no child is left out is key here. Because that way the focus won’t be on your son in the spotlight, but hopefully things will begin to improve for him as a result.

Oh poor child!! I hope my ds would be thoughtful enough to include him but right now he's only 4 and self centred still so yes i'd be very happy that staff intervened and made sure all the children played together. I'm not sure forced is the right word. Children should be educated by parents and school and encouraged towards an empathetic attitude.

Children should be educated by parents and school and encouraged towards an empathetic attitude

This, by the bucketload!

This is a tough one. If you force kids to play with a disabled child it may backfire and make them resent him. But it's also pretty miserable for the disabled child to not have anyone to play with.

Maybe the kids could do a project to look for ways to include him? Even make it a competition? That way, they'd have to find out more about his capabilities, rather than just assuming he can't do stuff.

Slightly different as my situation was full time, not one a day a week, but...

When I was 12/13 I was forced by my teacher to befriend a sad sack girl with no friends. She came from a low-income, unstable home (the teacher actually told me this), and was bullied nearly non-stop (not by me) for it.

Instead of helping to include her I ended up being excluded, too. Huge resentment on my side, of course. Looking back I think it was unfair to put the responsibility of her happiness on one kid like that.

Just my two cents.