"Forcing" children to include others

[DorothyL]

If your primary age child was told they had to commit to one day a week choosing to do an activity that makes it possible for a physically disabled child to join in, would you think this is fair enough or that your child shouldn't be forced to play with another child?

I have just read through a bit more of this thread and I'm absolutely horrified that this poor child put himself out there and asked to join in and was told no.
My heart actually broke a little.
I'm so glad I've always stessed the importance of including everyone and having a bit of compassion and empathy for others.

I would be totally open to better ideas than a rota, I just wish the school did something instead of clearly not caring very much at all.

Good schools find ways to help excluded children feel included.
I have experience of schools that were absolutely not interested in this, and the school yard at play times was pretty dog eat dog.
And experience of other schools that have put things in place e.g. buddy benches, TAs leading play, lunchtime clubs, chill out areas for children who can't cope with the busy yard. Also games like football are either banned or limited to a small area of the yard so they don't take over. It can be done but usually takes a bit of effort and creative thinking.

might provide more interesting things to do that weren’t football, I might even get OPs ds to help get them out “as he’s not football crazy”. I might say footballers should go in and wash their hands 5 mins before the end of break. I might say no football on a Wednesday. I might run competitions. I meant get run clubs. I might orchestrate privileges for children who had shown kindness and inclusiveness. I would certainly have assemblies about what sort of things I would like and what I would not like happening in my playground.

All of which would be brilliant, but I get the feeling the OPs son wants to play football with the boys, and as has been said that is a problem because so many boys play it competitively outside of school as well as in school they all want to be Harry Kane/ Ronaldo/Bale etc and it isn't necessarily a case of them deliberately excluding just OP's son but anyone who isn't very good at football.

The very simple rule in these situations is to provide something more fun as part of the activity the disabled child is involved in. For example I’ve seen:

• Lego in the library, child can pick two friends to join them
• schools renting a local Sen adventure playground and letting buddies go
• cooking clubs buddies can go to
• games supervised with equipment children don’t usually access, eg parachute games or cricket organised (with some children using tennis rackets for bats)

-being allowed to play on a green opposite the school with an adult

Basically disabled child happens to be in fun activity others are desperate to join. They get coolness factor and friendships evolve naturally.

It's not specifically football he wants, that's why he tried to join in with this other ball game today which he was then told he couldn't be part of.

Has it got to the point that your son's disabilities are making accessing mainstream education/ life difficult?

I only ask because you mention that he is "young".

I am thinking back to a boy of my childhood when we were in early primary we knew he was a bit different and not as physically able but as we matured his learning difficulties became more and more apparent and he became quite excluded because there was very little common ground any longer.

I found out as an adult from my own Mother that his mother fought and fought to keep him in mainstream but in hindsight I wonder if it was the correct decision for him - he was never going to get qualifications and really struggled latterly in class. I'm old so he left school when he was 16 to go into SN provision.

If I asked for one thing for my child in this situation it’d probably be some form of an ‘I need support card’ that cults are aware of that he can use in the moment. It’s near impossible at this age to express and explain verbally when upset. If he had this at the moment he tried and was excluded he could proactively ask a person on duty to help by finding him a role in games, support him as a linesman, defending an area or just being heard for a few min to integrate him. Something discrete.

Also, circle of friends would be a great intervention for building a friendship group

He’s at a point where I’d personally consider talking to classmates about needs and feelings more openly

Academically ds middle ground, keeping up fine, so yes MS education is fine for him. He is young in his emotional make up.

Time mine did too and why I'm being a little feisty - to get the 'courage' to ask and then be told no is so,so sad. And as Gish and others have said - where do these children learn kindness.

I have had my heart broken so many times over the years over similar I can hardly believe it's still breakable.

The ray of hope I can offer OP - ds and I have just 1 week left of being on the receiving end of this nasty bs - and we have got through. I've learned a lot and ds is very resilient against all the ills that the NT children/teens/young adults will be up against.

Now they can only play with each other, soon they'll be socially competing against each other and many will fail. Now that is the sad sad thing. Poor NT kids - what a fecked up society they have to fit in with, being cool kids and all.

So, OP (and the rest of you in the same situation) -let's count our blessings that our dc are excluded from this f'cked up society. I know I do.

I was that kid at school who nobody wanted to play with. I wasn't disabled. Just poor, quiet and not pretty. At age 11 I understood that while the teachers could force other kids to play with me, they couldn't force them to be my friends, which is what I wanted. In fact I hated PE because it was obvious that whichever kid was picked to be my partner wasn't happy about it, and it made me feel uncomfortable. Being alone was better than being with someone who was being forced to be with me.

The point being, I doubt if OP's DS wants to play with kids who are forced to play with him on a rota. I imagine he wants to be genuinely included. Which will only happen if the other kids can be encouraged to genuinely see him as a friend. The school should be creating friend making opportunities not forcing resentful kids to take turns at playing with someone they don't want to play with.

Sorry, DorothyL, I have just read through more of the thread and got to this being your son. I hope things improve for him soon. Situations like this just break my heart. I know how it feels to be left out (was terribly bullied as a child).

Yes currentcurrent that's what my DD's school did - they set up a fun lunchtime activity just for her once a week. 2 girls were asked to join in which they did more than happily (I think they were selected because it was an activity the teachers knew they particularly enjoyed). In the end a couple of other girls asked to join too. The activity didn't need any adult input other than what was already available, and no extra equipment as the children brought their own from home. So it was free and easy to set up. It can be done, but some schools really don't have the sort of flexible thinking to come up with this sort of thing.

Can empathise quite a bit. In my view, schools, in general terms are there to teach a variety of things, many of which some children do not learn at home.

Putting yourself out, being inconvenienced and maybe even forgoing something you like doing once in a while for the benefit of another person are important qualities. Sadly, it's not qualities that are always valued or encouraged in society in general. Again, just my opinion.

They're not qualities, I should have typed...

I would want my child (and all children) to have the good fortune to grow up learning to see beyond a disability and develop empathy for others. So I would love to hear of a system being put in place whereby a child/children with disabilities or any other challenges, at home for example, are actively thought of and included.

Don't be scared to speak up to help shape some kind of system that you think would work best for your child. As you can read in the first responses when posters didn't realise where you and your child were in the description, parents immediately were ready to tell off something they thought was suggesting that inclusion was unfair! That's the instinctive response of other parents, they immediately are insisting that they support you and your son!

Your child has everything to offer classmates and the school, just like any other child, they're all unique. Don't be shy, help shape the system you think will work best for your child. Adapting to your child's needs in whatever way is best for him is exactly what all the other children will benefit from learning to do and they'll likely need others to adapt for them at some point in their lives too.

I've drunk two glasses of wine quite quickly to read this. I have a SEN child going through similar issues and am trying to address it. I don't want my child to be pitied just a bit more care put in to addressing what happens at free play which is when a lot of SEN children struggle to make sense of things.

I don't have any answers, just a lot of fear and sadness.

It's tiring, I've been appealing to the school for months now.

sorry, I should also point out that I am heartened by many responses.

I'm sorry OP.

I know.

I'd be happy if my dc were asked to do this.

And! Should also have said I too would want and expect my children to be included in such an arrangement.

It's society/community or whatever you want to call it and it benefits us all.

Thank you for all the kindness shown here.

Haven't RTFT OP but we are in the same situation and it is heartbreaking. In many ways I don't think the push to keep children with certain SN (especially physical) in mainstream is not in the children's best interest, it is a money saving exercise.

Quite a few of my friend's with dc with varying additional needs (mostly physical) moved them onto special schools close to secondary age and it has been the best thing ever. The school is adapted for a range of mobility needs therefore all of the children get a range of access to sports where there is no issue of having to adapt a whole PE lesson to suit one child. IME pupils resent this and often so do their parents, which is heartbreaking.