"Forcing" children to include others

[DorothyL]

If your primary age child was told they had to commit to one day a week choosing to do an activity that makes it possible for a physically disabled child to join in, would you think this is fair enough or that your child shouldn't be forced to play with another child?

YABVU

Yes it is fair, no child should be left out.

So...how was the OP being very unreasonable exactly ?

Is it ever ok for a child to say to another "this game isn't for you"?

With the upsurge in focus on the Paralympics (brilliant that last time it was treated the same as the Olympics in terms of coverage!) could they try modifying some games so that your DS could join in? That way it’s not “him and us” but making a point of doing something everyone can enjoy?

No, OP, it’s not, especially if the child they’re saying it to has a disability.

He is not non sporty, he's just limited in his physical abilities

Because the alternative is that he’s getting his feelings hurt?

Because SN aside not everyone gets everything they want?

My son is NT and is a bit shit at football. No interest in it. So when his pals were always playing it, he could either sit and do nothing or find something else to do!

Because SN aside not everyone gets everything they want?

Mags I’ve come across you before and 99% of the time I’m in agreement with you. (I’ve had a few usernames)

But on this I’m going to disagree, because statements like “SN aside” or “SN or not” minimise the isolation and bullying of disabled people because of their disability.

OPs son isn’t getting anything he wants, he’s being isolated and treated like shit. Which isn’t fair.

Can he play these games? Things like take a fair turn, stick to the rules - or would he need help with that?

At dc's school there is a playground supervisor who leads group games that any child can join in. My friend's ds (asd) found that invaluable as he really struggled in games when he felt other children broke the rules.

Thing is that there are plenty of things already where ds has to accept that this is his lot.
That he is ill frequently with chest infections
Has to do daily therapy
Can't run fast
Will never be able to ride a bike
Can't play an instrument because of the shape of his hands
And and and

So when there's something where it could be done I'm thinking why the hell not? Why does he always have to accept that his life is shit?

That phrase is a personal bugbear of mine, because it’s never said by any disabled person, it’s only ever said by people who don’t have to consider disability in their daily lives.

So when there's something where it could be done I'm thinking why the hell not? Why does he always have to accept that his life is shit?

There’s no reason why not. And no, he doesn’t have to accept it. He’s being failed by his school, by his peers and by their parents.

@BarbarianMum how I wish ds's school did that!!!

Nonstop football every lunchtime is an absolute PITA in schools. DD's school ended up limiting it, and everyone is a lot happier. Her school grounds are fucking huge, with natural woodland, den play areas, loads of standard playground etc, but it was just taken over by kids knocking everyone flying as they ran after a ball, boys standing around feeling left out, girls hanging round watching, scuffles and rows breaking out over who scored what...i helped out at the school and saw the nightmare first hand .... Then they limited it and everyone is far, far happier.

I would also be fine with my DC being asked to look out for a child, but as PP have said, feel that it would be better in a group/no singling out of one child. Some effort could be made from staff to find common ground between the children. At DD's school, there is one boy on the spectrum and if I'm honest DD, who is 10,did not enjoy his company as he can be very loud and physically quite full on, and DD is small and shy. He has meltdowns over competitive type games and I think this scared DD. However she's really getting on with him this year, as it turns out he's bloody good at building dens, and in the better weather there is a group of them that all go to the woodland area to expand and improve on their precious den

I'd speak to the parents, give them chance to talk to the children themselves.

Your DS hasn't inadvertently upset someone has he? I have a younger daughter too waiting on a diagnosis, she's very, very blunt. It's not purposeful but I can well imagine her accidentally upsetting another child. We are working on it.

Apologies if it's not the case, no offence meant.

Our school have play leaders who are a group of KS2 children who volunteer 1 day a week to lead games etc in the KS1 and KS2 playgrounds and encourage other children to join in. They get some training in the different games they can do and are provided with some basic equipment and how to be inclusive and work as a team, and because different children do it each day they only miss 1 day a week playing with their friends. My 9 year old loves doing it, he’s always very excited about it when it’s his day, they get a certificate for each half a term they volunteer for. Could the school maybe consider a scheme along those lines?

This has made me cry. I'm sorry you're ds is going through this. My 3 year old nephew has CP and it breaks my heart to think other boys won't play with him. Life is so cruel

He might well have said something blunt/slightly offensive because he struggles with social skills, but he's not aware of anything.
Even if he has, does he have to be ostracised forever?

But on this I’m going to disagree, because statements like “SN aside” or “SN or not” minimise the isolation and bullying of disabled people because of their disability.

Oh god I really didn’t mean to minimise! I was just clumsily saying that kids get left out for all sorts of reasons, even if it’s that sometimes they’re not very good at that particular activity.

Dorothy, what would hinder him in the game? What I mean is; would he be able to play with them? Or would the game have to be changed massively?

I ask because kids are really selfish and I’d hate them to look at your son as some sort of problem, if that makes sense.

When I worked in a school, we would find ten minutes for a child with issues to have something fun to do ... computer, tidy library, fun jobs etc and they could choose another child to help them. Another way maybe to build friendships

@Slightlyperturbedowlagain they do have this, but it seems because the play leaders are year 6 as is ds they don't see him as their responsibility

My nephew is on the spectrum and has been left out his whole life. It’s so, so awful.

@MadMags when he was in year 3 there was a TA who showed some initiative and suggested when they played tag the others had to go on all fours while ds could run normally

Seemed to work well

So yes, things would need to be adapted

@MadMags tbh it didn’t seem like you which is why I didn’t go in all guns blazing. Like I said, every other thread I’ve come across you on I’ve almost always been saying the same as you!

There are no other games ds wants to join in with ... He sees children having a great time playing active games and wants to be part of that

So there are other things he could do, but he only wants to play football? If so, why will stopping anyone playing football be a solution?

That’s a fair point too OP. Being ostracised is brutal, even if there was an initial incident which caused upset. At that point the school should have intervened and tried to calm the waters, but by allowing mass exclusion of your son they are failing him dreadfully.