"Forcing" children to include others

[DorothyL]

If your primary age child was told they had to commit to one day a week choosing to do an activity that makes it possible for a physically disabled child to join in, would you think this is fair enough or that your child shouldn't be forced to play with another child?

Ah well, OP, if you're going to expect every single child to play then you're clearly up against it, judging from the responses on this thread!

So your asking the football boys to be separated everyday so that 4/5? Will play with ds everyday and never actually have a game together inside school as there will always be some missing?

What happens if the boys picked to play with ds still don’t want to play football or tag with his still? They want to play say Pokemon cards or Lego.

That was meant to say *him still.

Do these kids play football (soccer?) in PE class? If so, is your son included in that; are adjustments made for him? If the kids have experience with that, I think it would be easier to get them to make adjustments on the playground.

I agree that it's up to everyone to ensure that inclusion happens. It runs through adult life as well - I have friends who can't go to certain places because they're not accessible, so when I'm with those friends we go to places that are. Similarly I have friends who don't go to pubs for religious/cultural reasons - again, we don't go there. I have plenty of time when I can do these things, so it's not a hardship, and it wouldn't cross my mind to think of how this limits me. It's just normal interaction. Learning early on that there are some things some people find difficult but that you can still share time and experiences and friendship together is a good lesson ime.

What sort of adaptations are you talking about? He can't run fast, (tag involved all the other children on their hands and knees while he ran normally), he can't ride a bike (balance issue's?), can't play a musical instrument because of the shape of his hands (so a racquet would be out too?)

I'm struggling to see how you can adapt the physical games which 10-11 year olds play tbh. I think you'd need to create a completely different game.

Could he shoot basketball goals? Table tennis?

I think it's really sad that there are people on here who are coming up with reasons why this would not be ok. It doesn't have to mean that no one can play football it just means that one or two people everyday find another game to play with this boy. My son is a fanatical footballer and sportsman, but is friends with a disabled boy of the same age who lives in our building and plays Minecraft and other computer games with him. It has actually been good for him to learn that there are other things in life than sport and that people who can't play sport can still be fun.

I don’t see it as forcing, but I don’t think you can tell the school what to do. They need to be inclusive though. “This game is not for you” is completely unacceptable.
The school needs to find games and activities to include your ds.

Also agree that the "pecking order" scenario that can happen with boys playing football often results in unkind behaviour to lots of others, not just those with disabilities, and anything that tackles that is a good thing.

god this thread is absolutely heartbreaking

for everyone who has shared their children's stories

I have nothing useful to say, I'm sat here roaring actually

unfortunately it is all too clear reading some responses where these kids with an empathy bypass seem to spring from

may we all raise kind humans - imo it is far more important than being academic or sporty

Autism is a condition that can affect a person's ability to socially 'mix' - it can be a life-changing disadvantage. It can be possible to overcome this disadvantage by the person with autism engaging in social situations, including games in a way that they become comfortable with the situation. Eventually, it becomes almost natural and the autistic person copes well so that this disadvantage does not become a disability for life.

Obviously, the earlier a person with autism becomes used to this the easier it will be to cope with these social facets of life. Ideally, primary school and childhood is the best time and environment to learn these social skills and 'informal games' are a very useful method.

The same could also be said for NT children learning social skills surrounding care for others, empathy, how all have their place in society.

I'd worry that there has been an incident that you're unaware of so I'd ask the teacher whether she has noticed the difference since Christmas and ask if she knows what caused it.

The other issue is whether the school could support your DS in the playground more and they definitely could. In DD's school, they had a few different initiatives to try to encourage better integration in the playground eg TA led games that involved all the DCs; a buddy system where everyone in the class picked a name from a hat and then had to get to know/ play with that child for a set period of time; etc. But even though our school can be good at encouraging friendships, and mixed ability play etc, football is still dominated by the sporty children and the staff haven't worked out how to make it more inclusive. It seems a real challenge for many schools.

I would think that was fair enough. Children sometimes need guidance from adults on how to interact/include children that have disabilities because they may struggle to know how to include them, depending on the disability.
I work with children so have seen these situations occur.

My above post is directed at those that see their children as the Others that can't have their life-experiences sullied by a one that is Other.

Thank goodness I don't actually know people like you - you're a minority is all I can hope for.

@WooWooSister I have been worrying about this but trying to get ds's teacher to engage with the issue seems impossible- she just does not seem bothered

It doesn't help that I really struggle to talk about the issue face to face without bawling which just makes me look pathetic

I don't think any children should be 'forced' to not play football etc. one day a week just because one other child can't run about. There are plenty of playground games which a child with disabilities can join in with. For instance, my granddaughter spends hours playing that 'making patterns with string on the fingers' game. Shooting balls at a netball net can be played in a sitting down position to gain some empathy.
I do think some children need to develop their personality more then they shouldn't need to have rules bent for them as the rest of the class would want to include them anyway and adapt their games accordingly themselves. It starts at home. Don't make your disabled child feel they are in any way inferior and don't rush to do everything for them.

and I agree about the football kids taking over the playground, it's so anti social. my dcs' school is small, one form entry, and so the playground is not massive. it is also on a steep hill, therefore there's only a small part of it suitable for football. there is a rota system in place for which class gets to play football on any given day, which means that for the majority of the week, they have to find something else to do.

@quizqueen wow
You think I make my son feel inferior do you?

I don't think demanding that each child play with your DS via a rota would accomplish what you want, which is for your son to develop friendships. All a rota would do would be to make them resent your son, and don't think they wouldn't get that message across to him. They would.

I think a better idea would be for the school to work on inclusiveness and to come up with activities that they would enjoy that your son could also take part in.

I’m not sure that including adult friends with disabilities by making sure they can take part is quite the same as what the op is saying.
You would never be forced by your boss for eg to go somewhere you didn’t want to eat with a colleague you didn’t particularly want to spend time with because they had a disability and no-one to go with. Forcing kids/adults to include others would make them resentful rather than spontaneously inclusive imo.
Sone kind of voluntary buddy system would work best imo. Or limiting football days.

DorothyL it's so hard. We all just want our DCs to be safe and happy at school; and for their teachers to care about their emotional wellbeing as much as their academic potential sorry I may be projecting
Could you email the teacher? Then if you get upset in the meeting, at least she will still know the point you wanted addressed. Would it be worth speaking to the HT and asking to see their inclusion policy?

@Fireinthehold, thanks. I just feel really sorry for her. She always wanted to invite everyone to her party every year, even the mean ones (in her words: it would've been unkind to exclude them!); yet other than the 1st year or 2 when I think she was invited to one, she was always excluded, in a very obvious way, from all other's parties, and many of them would not turn up to her party.

In the end, I wouldn't let her invite all of them, and we stopped doing parties after only 1 child turned up. They would accept, but then not show up on the day.

I would never allow my children to be so mean, but the parents weren't bothered and neither were the school. She still sees the best in people though, although I struggle with that after how she's been treated.

may we all raise kind humans - imo it is far more important than being academic or sporty couldn't agree more. Of course schools should be teaching children to be kind - it is quite clear some children are not learning kindness at home.