"Forcing" children to include others

[DorothyL]

If your primary age child was told they had to commit to one day a week choosing to do an activity that makes it possible for a physically disabled child to join in, would you think this is fair enough or that your child shouldn't be forced to play with another child?

No problem with my child doing that. As long as the other child is not mean, aggressive or violent to my child.
If my child was being excluded and isloated I would be devestated.

I agree that children can’t be forced to do things (at it would probably only backfire on the poor excluded child anyway) but certainly I would strongly encourage my children to spend one break time a week playing a game that they didn’t like as much, if the favourite game was impossible for one child to play and meant that that child was excluded every single day. It sounds miserable for that child and I’d be saying to my kids, what do you think that would feel like? How would you feel in that position? What would you like other kids to do?

It sounds miserable for that child and I’d be saying to my kids, what do you think that would feel like? How would you feel in that position? What would you like other kids to do?

I honestly wish more parents had your attitude.

gosh, some of the responses make depressing reading

OP, I totally understand where you are coming from but when you read some of the parent responses, it doesn't make you wonder that their children don't have much consideration. some things should be taught at home and not just left you school.

if he is in y6, he will leave primary soon. will he stay in MS for secondary?

And Penguin you have absolutely no understanding of autism amongst your SN 'experience' - experience maybe, but understanding, zilch.

Yippeeee, being bullied all the time and having an unhappy home life does tend to make people ‘down’. Ffs, leave out the sack and PLEASEdont repeat these abusive terms near your own offspring.

BikingBeatrix - Yes, I already said that, please do keep up. And ffs, leave out the ridiculous made-up feelings of offense and PLEASE don't demonstrate that kind of behaviour anywhere near your own offspring.

HateIsNotGood

This is really tedious. The fact that I disagree with the proposed treatment of the other children has nothing to do with my understanding of autism.

TenuedeNimes Exactly.

Compassion cannot be forced. Nor can decency. Boy, ain't that the truth. Some days, MN is abound with examples of this. Compassion and decency are beyond some.

"Tedious" - yes it is rather - understanding your entire client group must be tedious, accommodating all in some circumstances can be, but as long as the majority are fine why bother with the tedium of the different, so, so tedious.

Tenuede has an excellent attitude about encouraging chn to have empathy, it is so important to think how it would be if the shoe was on the other foot. I don’t think anyone is thinking it should be the other children’s responsibility’s to look out for OPs son, but it certainly IS the school’s. OP, are you being direct/demanding enough at the school? I would strongly encourage asking for a meeting with CT, head of Key stage and SENCO about this, maybe saying you will approach Governors if no action is taken. Sorry if you already have and that’s obvious. The school has a duty of care to your son and him having no social interactions is not right, it is discrimination; the children are children, they may not get it by themselves hence school need to get to it and help your son out.
As an aside, does he have any extra curricular hobbies outside school to help his confidence/social skills? Chess, scouts? I don’t know exactly what his needs are, eg if a wheelchair user, but are there specific sports groups he could join at weekends or holidays. Good luck and sorry you all are in this situation x

I'm the opposite. Teachers have 'forced' ie asked nicely other children to take my ASD son under their wing as he doesn't know how to make friends. I am very grateful but feel sorry for the other kids. The teachers are good however in that the friends are rewarded and given a break. My son does however have the insight that whilst they are nice they are only with him because they've been asked which is tragic to hear.

Haven't read TWT, but I would absolutely think that was OK. Indeed I have always encouraged my kids to put themselves in the place of the child who can't join in or is left out for some reason and ask them how they would want others to behave towards them. I don't think children are naturally empathetic - they can be quite mean - and I think it is something we should try to teach and enforce from an early age because then the world would be a much nicer place. Being kind is one of the most important things we can teach our children. Apart from anything else there are lots of activities that could include someone with a physical disability that would be fun for everyone.

Ps sorry for soppy x, just this really makes me sad and angry on your behalf.

HateIsNotGood

But you are not asking me (as a teacher) to accommodate them. You asking - demanding - that I force other children into activities they don't want to do during their break time. I can't believe you don't see that that isn't the same.

Anyway, I'm out.

I dont normally agree with Pengggwn but this time I thinks shes got it spot on. Shes viewing this as a teacher, considering the needs and happiness of all the children in the class rather than just as a parent and only considering the OP's son. He is not more important than any of the other children, other children in the class will have disabilities and other children in the class will just need allowences and support because they are 10/11. There may be other children who have autism who would stuggle with the forced game, my dsd has OCD and would have really stuggled with it and my anxious dd would struggle with it.
Just as it wouldnt be fair to force OP's son to play pokemon with the other kids as he doesnt want to, it wouldnt be fair to force any of the other children do play something they dont want to.

@MadMags to be fair that's not what I meant - I meant that children take turns so that ds has somebody every day

Not read the whole thread but I think it would be better for the school to ask for volunteer helpers to facilitate activities like this. I wouldn’t imagine forcing unwilling children to play with a child would be good or fun for any of them. I’m sure there would be a fair few children volunteer especially if they made the activities fun. I’m thinking slime making, computers, games with juice and biscuits etc.

I do think that we need to help our children to socialize, otherwise it can become a bit Lord of the flies! So that’s from things like manners, to sharing toys, listening to others, not bullying, empathy etc so in that sense yes we do need to teach children how to better include and communicate with each other.

That should include all, so in this case yes a balance where sometimes they are doing an activity that includes another is fine.

I also interpreted the comment that the OP's DS didn't want to play computer games or pokemon as them being options he'd turned down because he wanted to play with the footie boys instead.

Are there others who would happily include him albeit in computer rather than physical games? That may be a good starting point.

As to the friend who has gone cold, it might be the mother's influence but I don't know what you can do about that 😟

It's generally a good idea to encourage children to be inclusive, but if the child most often excluded is a whiner, or a telltale, or has to have everything his/her own way, then the school also needs to work on that child's social skills. There are times when parents have encouraged their DC to be both entitled and full of self-pity, which other DC pick up on, and the school having to focus on 'Everyone needs to be nice to and include this DC' can end up making the other kids resent 'that' kid even more.
And there have been threads on MN from the parent of the kind, caring DC who a school is basically using as unpaid carer for another child with difficulties (which may include selfish and manipulative behaviour - which the kid may be too young to be able to help, but which is still hard to deal with) to the distress of the kind DC who is not 'allowed' to play with any other children because s/he has to be best friend of the difficult child...

Both of my dds would agree to anyone who asked to play with them surely that’s just good manners.

Would him being a buddy friend for the younger year groups work? I know it’s not socialising with his peers but would mean he has someone to play with.

I use my adult mind to help immature minds find a compromise that doesn’t result in the more vulnerable children being endlessly disadvantaged.

Exactly. So not forcing other children to play what OP's DS wants with him, thats not a compromise and leaves all of the other children at a disadvantage.

I would hope that i wouldn't have to force my children to be kind and inclusive but if I did I'd have no qualms about giving it a bloody good try. And so what if they occasionally can't play what they want to when they want to? This happens on a regular basis anyway - every time there's a lesson for a start. They would still be playing, not scrubbing the toilets with a toothbrush.