AIBU to think about just not going to DH's work party?

[rosesandflowers]

DH and I had a bit of a drama yesterday but thankfully that's all sorted. I've just received the invitation to one of the fancy company brunches they hold through the post. It's plus one but there's not much point in the plus ones being there.

As a general rule DH and I sit with his friendship circle inside work. I can see why he's friends with them; similar interests, lifestyles, upbringings, etc. especially as he spends lots of time with them at his job. But the truth is they're, as a general rule, awful. Condescending, narrow-minded, elitist ... not to mention they can be downright rude. DH will of course defend me if necessary but he can't do anything about the fact that I just genuinely think they're for the most part horrible people.

Generally DH will discuss work with his team so the spouses tend to socialise with each other. (One guy that DH works with in particular finds it hilarious if anyone not in the company tries to contribute or even follow the conversation. He takes some weird pleasure in asking their opinions if they seem to be listening and then laughing. It's weird if you ask me but we tend to not get involved in their discussion for that reason or even listen to it.)

As a general rule I don't get on with the spouses of the rest of his friends at all. The two husbands stick to each other very closely and generally don't talk to the wives. Most of the women are very different to me and often unkind. DH and I have a slightly different dynamic in our marriage as well which they love to pick at. They are mostly SAHM or SAHW like me but a couple have had modelling careers in the past I think. They don't really see the point in me having a job (I work from home) and are frequently rude about my career. The one woman I get on with has a real dislike for them and they dislike her back, which means I've become very isolated from the group and often on the receiving end of snipes/jabs. However her wife is on maternity leave and as such she won't be there.

DH knows I don't like his friends but doesn't really know the full situation when it comes to those I'm expected to hang out with. I'm not very involved with his job as it's quite difficult to really understand on the most part (or maybe I'm just thick when it comes to this stuff ) so he really enjoys seeing me in the context of his work setting. I tend to suck it up when events like this roll around because it is so important to him and to me that I'm supportive. However, with my usual friend not there I think it will be much more obvious that I don't get on with the others. I could do my best to remain involved but if they start making comments or just don't talk to me at all how am I supposed to?

AIBU to consider just telling DH I don't want to go and avoiding the whole event? I feel it will be awkward at best and DH will feel like he has to intervene if it gets bad, which could potentially disrupt his friendships and spoil his evening. On the other hand, I feel like I should at least make an effort, and I know he's going to be super excited about me going. Not to mention I'd feel bad causing another issue so close to our previous disagreement.

WWYD?

He is abusive, and it's advised to NOT have joint counselling with an abusive partner.

Abusive isn't a word I plan on throwing around. DH can be manipulative and a bit of a twat. Nothing compared to the emotional, physical and sexual abuse most women endure.

What's with the "we" in "we're planning to relax his control"? It should be "he's planning", and actually, there shouldn't be any "planning" needed.

It was a joint discussion and I hardly expect DH to work through his problems solo while I just fade into the background. We're married. I support him just as he supports me.

Yeah you're married but its his problem

A problem that could impact me and my DC!

It is "his problem" but it's shortsighted to say it couldn't cause problems for me. Not to mention it being "his problem" wouldn't excuse me selfishly and pointlessly removing myself from the situation.

There's hardly a more productive angle to do this from. Screaming at him every time would be immature, melodramatic and most importantly detrimental to our relationship and to the general household environment.

he used the opportunity to add that I was being silly anyway and that I'll love it once I get there

He must know that last bit isn't true. It directly contradicts what you had just said to him. So he denies your reality and tells you he's right and you're wrong. This is something to be very wary of.

It directly contradicts what you had just said to him.

He knew it wasn't true - I've never loved these events!

Now I have conditions in place, if he crosses them next time I'm definitely not going. With his behaviour as a reason why.

When I was suffering domestic abuse, I used to think that because he didn't beat me up, all the slaps, pushing, ordering me around, and "only" being punched twice, meant that it didn't qualify as abuse/violence. I felt like a fraud if I said I suffered from DV because I hadn't ended up in hospital.

You sound like I did then. His manipulation and coercive control of you IS abuse, whether you believe it or not.

Nothing compared to the emotional, physical and sexual abuse most women endure.

If you're talking about the UK and not globally, most women do not endure this from their partners.

Screaming at him every time would be immature, melodramatic and most importantly detrimental to our relationship and to the general household environment

Why do you need to scream this? Why can't you just say "I'm not going"? What would he do it you just said that?

Are people getting a bit carried away here? The dh tried to talk roses into going to a work do and minimised/ignored her reasons for not going.
It's not great but it doesn't mean he's a master manipulator using coercive control to systematically abuse his wife.

roses sounds level headed and has challenged her dh's attitude. She exerts her opinion.

Some people do get stressed and anxious when they're not in control of situations or they don't go as expected. That doesn't automatically translate to them being a controlling abuser.

As OP says, he can be a bit of a twat but he appears to have some self awareness of this and OP doesn't appear to be desperately unhappy. She just hates the corporate functions.

He does need to respect your opinion roses your feelings are as valid as his.
However, I'm not seeing a pattern of your feelings being dismissed and you being treated like a mere extension of him? I mean you haven't given any other examples?
Maybe I'm missing something but I don't think you need to pack your bags and flee from this man.

Why do you need to scream this? Why can't you just say "I'm not going"? What would he do it you just said that?

I was referring more to his manipulation - which can make me want to scream, yesterday especially.

If I just said "I'm not going" he'd probably be angrier than he is now, because now I've given him an explanation. Whereas if I just outright refused to go without any further comments, he'd be confused and that would fuel his anger.

If I just refused to go without hearing him out/making an effort for compromise he'd probably be angry/hurt too, just as I'd probably be hurt if he refused to do something important to me without any consideration for my feelings. We always discuss everything.

He does need to respect your opinion roses your feelings are as valid as his.
However, I'm not seeing a pattern of your feelings being dismissed and you being treated like a mere extension of him? I mean you haven't given any other examples?
I think in light of his behaviour earlier this week it could look to several posters like a pattern.
I'm not sure if you've seen my other thread, but the basic run-down is this:

1. He asked my (epileptic, hasn't done any chores for over a year for safety/illness reasons) DD who's in the middle of her GCSE exams to cook family dinner this week. Twice. He then had an argument with DD, who felt he was being ridiculous. I asked DD to leave and said I thought he was BU. He was fuming with me.

1. After sulking all morning, he went to work where he sent me possibly the most transparently manipulative and offensive text he could have thought off. I was very annoyed.

1. We went out to discuss the text and he ended up frustrated and said some things to me that I didn't find acceptable. At all.

1. Later in the evening we had a discussion over dinner, he admitted he had problems to do with control and we decided that we're going to work through them.

That was a summary though, so if you want it in more detail you can read the thread.

He clearly has developed a problem which we're going to fix. Perhaps because I posted so close together or because it's a recurring incident posters have been led to believe we have an abusive marriage.

Love the fact that posters are so irate about the Brunch being in the evening.
Does this mean you can't eat breakfast or lunch that day because it'll be incorporated in the meal? No wonder all the diners are so foul tempered.

When I was suffering domestic abuse, I used to think that because he didn't beat me up, all the slaps, pushing, ordering me around, and "only" being punched twice, meant that it didn't qualify as abuse/violence. I felt like a fraud if I said I suffered from DV because I hadn't ended up in hospital.

I'm awfully sorry you went through that experience and am happy that you've got out of the situation

However, it's not a similar situation that you're seeing here. DH is never physically violent with me in any way. He doesn't order me around either or control what I do. He's a very loving man and although he can be a dickhead, he is my dickhead if that makes sense Just as I can cause problems, so can he. I don't expect him to be perfect; you can't build a relationship on that.

Maybe I'm missing something but I don't think you need to pack your bags and flee from this man.
I think I'm going to stick with him

Love the fact that posters are so irate about the Brunch being in the evening.
Does this mean you can't eat breakfast or lunch that day because it'll be incorporated in the meal? No wonder all the diners are so foul tempered.

The invitation calls it a brunch - don't ask me I imagine it's because it's generally "brunchy" food.

They do have a "dinner" at New Year's. Don't ask me about the difference other than the food.

You could think of yourself as an anthropologist and the arseholes as test subjects - that's worth some quiet amusement

Gosh sorry, just seen your update. It does appear that he has very rigid views and refuses to be challenged on them. He clearly has an attitude towards women that is now being forced onto dd.

You said he back tracked after that row and admitted he was at fault. I hope he apologised to dd too?

You have an uphill battle trying to change your dh. Has this been going on for your entire marriage? I think you need to perhaps assess after 6 months and if nothing has changed in his attitudes then look at discussing this with a neutral third party i.e counselling.

It's hard to get a feel for your relationship roses just from your few posts. Only you know if he's acted out of turn in a couple of recent incidents which have escalated to heated rows, or whether he is consistently trying to dismiss your views and control you.

I must say I'd be a bit disappointed after all this hoo ha and buying a new dress to be getting "brunchy food".

I see you are going but I wouldn't have advised you to. Life is too short, you could be having fun doing something you really wanted to do.
So your husband will be upset if you don't go but you don't want to go.

Your DH would have been just fine with his mates but you wouldn't have be fine with them. So it's logical that he goes because he enjoys it and you don't because you don't enjoy it.
It seems you know what these people are like but you have answered most of their questions too easily instead of keeping things vague. Remember that for next time! Tell them nothing!

It does appear that he has very rigid views and refuses to be challenged on them. He clearly has an attitude towards women that is now being forced onto dd.

You said he back tracked after that row and admitted he was at fault. I hope he apologised to dd too?

DD has been extremely ill for almost a year, until about two months ago at which she began recovering wonderfully. DH was so relieved that I think he tried to make her "normal" in every way possible in his head. He was overjoyed when she started going out with friends etc. while I was absolutely terrified. And in his mind, being a "normal" teen included chores.

Being a normal teen also included evading chores I think, so he honestly wasn't that angry with DD. He was angry with me for "undermining him". DD was out for the day anyway so we agreed he was being unreasonable before she came home; he apologised to her immediately upon arrival and said she wouldn't have to do what he said. I don't think she was going to anyway

You have an uphill battle trying to change your dh. Has this been going on for your entire marriage? I think you need to perhaps assess after 6 months and if nothing has changed in his attitudes then look at discussing this with a neutral third party i.e counselling

This is all very recent. I'm not sure if it's what happened to DD that made him turn this corner, or getting more used to being "in control" in other aspects of his life - mainly his job, or a combination. The incident with DD was the first of its kind, and luckily I caught it as controlling/manipulative behaviour then - partly thanks to the wisdom of Mumsnet!

I agree that if we can't sort this out internally we'll have to seek out other options like counselling.

Wheres the other thread roses?

I agree, go to the brunch and pretend you're an anthropologist.

Here's the other thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3269631-AIBU-because-of-DDs-epilepsy-or-is-DH

It progresses kind of like a story in which I get more and more pissed at DH's behaviour as it escalates, and then it finally fizzles out into an anticlimactic make-up

I agree, go to the brunch and pretend you're an anthropologist.
That and Bingo should keep me reasonably amused for some of the night!

Ah sorry about your dd, that all sounds like a worrying time so tensions were bound to be high.
My dh gets quite stressed when he feels life events are out of his control and he can't do anything to solve them if that makes sense. He internalises most of that stress though and comes out in an awful rash on his neck

Hope you can keep your sense of humour at the work do. That will see you through, especially if you can laugh about how ridiculous they all are with dh afterwards.

A rash?
I imagine that's irritating for your DH!

A live thread will be too outing but I daresay I can update this thread with the highlights

Yes I know he's had a bad day at work if he comes home scratching his neck, poor sod.

My DH always comes home with the more conventional back pain if work has been stressful. The muscle does get tense. I think sitting at a desk doesn't really help. But honestly I think he does it partly because he might get a massage.