AIBU to think about just not going to DH's work party?

[rosesandflowers]

DH and I had a bit of a drama yesterday but thankfully that's all sorted. I've just received the invitation to one of the fancy company brunches they hold through the post. It's plus one but there's not much point in the plus ones being there.

As a general rule DH and I sit with his friendship circle inside work. I can see why he's friends with them; similar interests, lifestyles, upbringings, etc. especially as he spends lots of time with them at his job. But the truth is they're, as a general rule, awful. Condescending, narrow-minded, elitist ... not to mention they can be downright rude. DH will of course defend me if necessary but he can't do anything about the fact that I just genuinely think they're for the most part horrible people.

Generally DH will discuss work with his team so the spouses tend to socialise with each other. (One guy that DH works with in particular finds it hilarious if anyone not in the company tries to contribute or even follow the conversation. He takes some weird pleasure in asking their opinions if they seem to be listening and then laughing. It's weird if you ask me but we tend to not get involved in their discussion for that reason or even listen to it.)

As a general rule I don't get on with the spouses of the rest of his friends at all. The two husbands stick to each other very closely and generally don't talk to the wives. Most of the women are very different to me and often unkind. DH and I have a slightly different dynamic in our marriage as well which they love to pick at. They are mostly SAHM or SAHW like me but a couple have had modelling careers in the past I think. They don't really see the point in me having a job (I work from home) and are frequently rude about my career. The one woman I get on with has a real dislike for them and they dislike her back, which means I've become very isolated from the group and often on the receiving end of snipes/jabs. However her wife is on maternity leave and as such she won't be there.

DH knows I don't like his friends but doesn't really know the full situation when it comes to those I'm expected to hang out with. I'm not very involved with his job as it's quite difficult to really understand on the most part (or maybe I'm just thick when it comes to this stuff ) so he really enjoys seeing me in the context of his work setting. I tend to suck it up when events like this roll around because it is so important to him and to me that I'm supportive. However, with my usual friend not there I think it will be much more obvious that I don't get on with the others. I could do my best to remain involved but if they start making comments or just don't talk to me at all how am I supposed to?

AIBU to consider just telling DH I don't want to go and avoiding the whole event? I feel it will be awkward at best and DH will feel like he has to intervene if it gets bad, which could potentially disrupt his friendships and spoil his evening. On the other hand, I feel like I should at least make an effort, and I know he's going to be super excited about me going. Not to mention I'd feel bad causing another issue so close to our previous disagreement.

WWYD?

So if those things don't happen this time then you have a stick to beat him with next time - you will never go again. I don't like the way the process has gone but it's your marriage and you obviously feel that this is the right thing to do. Hope it's not too dreadful!

FWIW the part i didnt like about this thread was how he stopped and started discussion 3 times upon arriving home. "We'll continue talking later....after work....."

He does like to shower straight after work.

I think the second time he was taking the piss.

The previous argument has made you want to pander to him and tiptoe around him. He knows that, that’s why the argument went the way it did. I hate to say it but that’s what abusive people do. They create such an atmosphere you end up walking on eggshells to avoid a replay of the situation. Thus next time you behave yourself and keep them happy.

So he has control issues - did he call a counsellor himself to resolve this? Why are you both working on his control problem? You are not his counsellor. If he truely thought he had an issue that needed fixing he would have googled a counsellor and paid £60 for his first session.

I attend work jolly’s where it’s plus 1, free bar, expensive venues. If dh didn’t want to attend I’d totally get it. My dh is a sahd and his feelings and happiness are very important to me, I chose to spend my life with him. I’d be disappointed but I wouldn’t emotionally blackmail him!

Good luck op. I read on here once it’s important to say no to a boyfriend in the early days, them not being happy about your ‘No’ shows you there true character. I have thought about devious relationships with this in mind and it’s spot on.

Previous not devious!

You sound incredibly submissive. The balance of power is certainly in his favour.

Anyway, you've decided to go. Let's hope you have a lovely time!

Maybe work on your tinkly laugh before you go as well. I think you may need it.

Completely off the point, but why do they describe an evening event as "brunch"?

I remember my mum having this issue. Out of my dads work friends she was the only one that had a job ever mind a career of equal status.The other women were so rude to her. They would ask if we had financial problems that required her to work! Conversation limited to bragging about their kids, what schools they were in, cliquey comments. All very horrid. They used to have dinner parties and not invite her. One said ‘ we obviously never invite you because we know you don’t cook with all that work you do. Wouldn’t want to put you under pressure to return the invite. In your situation caters would probably be too expensive!” Wtf!

I really hoped women like this were extinct. Anyway it had a massive impact on my parents marriage. She’d come home in tears and they’d have a fight.tgey upset would last for days. Eventually it came to ahead when one of my dads colleagues said something extremely rude about my mum and my dad punched him. It was only then that he understood how awful these people were. After that he conceded that it was best if mum didn’t come to work stuff.

I think you shouldcalmly explain exactly what it is that makes theses events so difficult for you and how these women make you feel.He needs to understand what the issue is and see for his own eyes that you have genuine reasons for not wanting to go. Then I think it’s out comprimise.go to say two events a year,limit the tine you stay for and get your husband to support you. He sees his colleagues daily so there’s no need for him to sit and talk to them all day. I. Still these women shut up if there’someone else there.

@Motoko

I think you're right on the money.

With a more inclusive situation hopefully DH might see/hear what's going on a bit more.

I don't think he disbelieved me, per sé. I think he was minimising it to try and make me go.

Sounds like you are walking on eggshells a lot.
How come brunch is in the evening?

Well, I just hope that one day the scales fall from your eyes, and you finally realise how emotionally abusive he is. Do you know that emotional abuse is actually illegal now? It's because it's as real and as damaging as physical abuse.

It's also damaging for the children.

In the meantime, OP, do some reading around the subject.

www.bustle.com/articles/184794-7-complex-signs-of-emotional-abuse-you-may-not-know

7. You Arrange Your Decisions Around Not Upsetting Them

"We can be superficially sure that our partners provide security and love, and yet unconsciously acting around the possibility of their abuse. This tends to be called "walking on eggshells," and generally refers to the tendency for "the victim of emotional abuse [to judge] everything according to how the abuser will react to it", according to Everyday Health. If you fear compromise or asserting your will, or prepare for it in the knowledge that it will be difficult and likely involve some hurt, it's not likely that the situation is a safe or supportive one."

Sounds like everyone could do with going to a meditation or anger management class.
I wondered how the husbands could get off work to go to brunch, but now it seems it's dinner... hmmm.......

I'm going to be blunt here and advise you are blunt too.

Tell your DH that you are not going until his colleagues and their wives move into the 21st century and accept that you don't need a penis to earn a living.

Threads like this really are an eye opener.

You can see how intelligent women put up with abuse for years and years.

They rationalise it like this, and spend a HUGE amount of time and energy 'building' this kind of persona - where they present themselves as independent, happy, in control, and choosing to give their 'stubborn, strong-willed, often don't notice things that are upsetting me' DHs a lot of leeway, because they're the more mature ones of the partnership. Lots of talk about wanting to keep things on an even keel, hating arguing themselves, insisting that 'he doesn't realise' a lot of the time.

All a total smokescreen.

It is tragic.

What's actually happened here? OP describes in detail the extent to which she really does not want to go to this awful sounding event.

DH comes home and she tells him this.

He laughs at her, minimises, mansplains to her and tells her what she really thinks - doesn't even take it at all seriously. Then basically dismisses her from the exchange. He has an important email. Run along, missy. You will be going (aka 'we will discuss this later').

I think I have to make it clear to DH that I don't appreciate the "you're being silly" tactic when he finishes responding to his emails or whatever, but I am definitely leaning towards just going and gritting my teeth throughout the evening considering that he does really like my being there.

Yep. You'll be going. Because no matter how good you are, as all intelligent women are, at presenting this to yourself and others, he's abusive and a bully and you wouldn't fucking dare not go.

:(

I agree, it's very sad.
OK, there are circumstances I can imagine a woman in a healthy relationship agreeing to sit through this type of shitshow - if, for instance, the H was this honest about it: 'I know you hate them, and I agree they are all wankers but if I don't show up and play along, I won't get my contract renewed and I'm really worried about our finances if I lose the wankers as clients.' That would be reasonable (I'm sure someone will pop up to whine about money not being everything, but in the current climate, a lot of people have to suck up a certain amount, or at least believe that they do, or they will lose their homes...)

Sounds like you are walking on eggshells a lot.

What with my DD'S current situation (diagnosis last year) DH spent a lot of time comforting me. I was absolutely devastated, exhausted from hospital visits etc. and guilty that I hadn't recognised the symptoms sooner. DH was also feeling a lot of guilt and was similarly shocked by this, but I think he internalised a lot of these feelings and honestly both DD and I wouldn't be doing as well if he hadn't been so supportive throughout that period.

Of course that has consequences though and recently and DH is being a lot more irrational than he used to be and hates it when he's not in control. Because he's a very clever man who to some extent is taught to play with words etc. he is trying to use manipulation to get out of situations that make him uncomfortable. At a time when our family is still recovering I don't think dividing it more will be at all helpful.

So yes, you could say "I'm treading on eggshells." DH did a lot last year to just keep the family functioning. I don't see any point in purposely doing things in a more upsetting way now that he's finally confronting his problems.

He knows that, that’s why the argument went the way it did.

The actual argument we had made me want to yank his hair out and condemn him to nights on the sofa for years to come!

Afterwards we made up though and agreed we had to get a handle on his controlling/manipulative tendencies.

We were planning to start off fairly small though so I wasn't sure if something like this (which is quite big to him) would be more counter productive than anything.

guilty that I hadn't recognised the symptoms sooner

Try not to feel guilty about that and blame yourself. At the same time, you may not be aware of how much mental energy you are giving to keeping things on an even keel with your husband. It may be more all-consuming than you realise?

he is trying to use manipulation to get out of situations that make him uncomfortable

That's great for him, but are you not allowed to get out of situations that make YOU uncomfortable?

We were planning to start off fairly small though so I wasn't sure if something like this (which is quite big to him) would be more counter productive than anything

The way it seems to me is that he will make all situations where he wants his way "a bit thing to him" so it will be very difficult for you to take a stand.

Are you both in counselling? Would you consider it?

*a BIG thing to him ffs

In our original fight he backed down after our discussion as really it wasn't that important. Hopefully that will be the same with other less significant things.

We haven't discussed counselling. I've managed to work through my guilt and as I said he was amazing after her diagnosis. Seeing her get a lot better than she was has also been helpful.

DH I think needs a lot more time before he loses this tendency to manipulate. We haven't discussed a counsellor yet as it has been fairly minor things.

I'm going to read up though and if he takes a turn for the worse or it begins impacting the DC more I daresay a professional will be needed.

How is he planning to lose his tendency to manipulate you? It would seem this is a good opportunity for him to practise not manipulating you by telling you he's fine with you not going to this event.

I think his manipulation is a knee jerk reaction based on his compulsive need for control, honestly.

He's very meticulous and likes to have control of every aspect of life. I don't know how I missed that this was getting worse since what happened to DD but looking back it's very clear.

We're planning to relax his control in certain areas of life so he gets more comfortable with "going with flow" so to speak at the beginning. Bigger things like this weren't really part of the plan but oh well.

I think you both need counselling, but separately. He is abusive, and it's advised to NOT have joint counselling with an abusive partner.

What's with the "we" in "we're planning to relax his control"? It should be "he's planning", and actually, there shouldn't be any "planning" needed.

You're making lots of excuses for him.