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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think about just not going to DH's work party?

345 replies

rosesandflowers · 07/06/2018 16:00

DH and I had a bit of a drama yesterday but thankfully that's all sorted. I've just received the invitation to one of the fancy company brunches they hold through the post. It's plus one but there's not much point in the plus ones being there.

As a general rule DH and I sit with his friendship circle inside work. I can see why he's friends with them; similar interests, lifestyles, upbringings, etc. especially as he spends lots of time with them at his job. But the truth is they're, as a general rule, awful. Condescending, narrow-minded, elitist ... not to mention they can be downright rude. DH will of course defend me if necessary but he can't do anything about the fact that I just genuinely think they're for the most part horrible people.

Generally DH will discuss work with his team so the spouses tend to socialise with each other. (One guy that DH works with in particular finds it hilarious if anyone not in the company tries to contribute or even follow the conversation. He takes some weird pleasure in asking their opinions if they seem to be listening and then laughing. It's weird if you ask me but we tend to not get involved in their discussion for that reason or even listen to it.)

As a general rule I don't get on with the spouses of the rest of his friends at all. The two husbands stick to each other very closely and generally don't talk to the wives. Most of the women are very different to me and often unkind. DH and I have a slightly different dynamic in our marriage as well which they love to pick at. They are mostly SAHM or SAHW like me but a couple have had modelling careers in the past I think. They don't really see the point in me having a job (I work from home) and are frequently rude about my career. The one woman I get on with has a real dislike for them and they dislike her back, which means I've become very isolated from the group and often on the receiving end of snipes/jabs. However her wife is on maternity leave and as such she won't be there.

DH knows I don't like his friends but doesn't really know the full situation when it comes to those I'm expected to hang out with. I'm not very involved with his job as it's quite difficult to really understand on the most part (or maybe I'm just thick when it comes to this stuff Grin) so he really enjoys seeing me in the context of his work setting. I tend to suck it up when events like this roll around because it is so important to him and to me that I'm supportive. However, with my usual friend not there I think it will be much more obvious that I don't get on with the others. I could do my best to remain involved but if they start making comments or just don't talk to me at all how am I supposed to?

AIBU to consider just telling DH I don't want to go and avoiding the whole event? I feel it will be awkward at best and DH will feel like he has to intervene if it gets bad, which could potentially disrupt his friendships and spoil his evening. On the other hand, I feel like I should at least make an effort, and I know he's going to be super excited about me going. Not to mention I'd feel bad causing another issue so close to our previous disagreement.

WWYD?

OP posts:
mushlett · 07/06/2018 21:21

I would definitely go, it’s horrible to be the only person at a work event who doesn’t have their partner there.
It’s only a few hours of your life and it will mean a lot to your husband. Just be happy and confident and don’t let anything anyone says to you bother you. People quickly get bored of sniping if they realise it’s futile. Good luck xx

JamPasty · 07/06/2018 21:26

Just please be aware OP how manipulative he's being. Not just with the stuff before he went to his office, but that the first thing he did when you challenged him was to try to guilt trip you with all that "terrible husband"/"trust" stuff. Honest to god, a normal person would have seen how much you didn't want to go and would have said "ok, I'll miss you, but I don't want to make you unhappy". The fact he's not said that, and that you've defaulted to giving his feelings more weight that your own and are seriously considering going, is worrying.

Maybe he's a lovely bloke who has some weird hangups and can make a tit of himself inadvertently. Or maybe instead, or as well, he's a manipulative control freak who does actually look down on you. Sometimes it's hard to judge from the outside perspective, ie what people on here are seeing, but equally, sometimes it's easier to see things more clearly from the outside, and honestly - he is not looking any good at all from here

Fruitcorner123 · 07/06/2018 21:30

He is treating you like a little child and that he is the parent and knows better so you shouldn't worry your pretty little head about it
^this

I don't plan on letting him tell me whether to go, and I don't think he plans on trying

He will tell you, he knows he doesn't need to try he's clearly a master manipulator and by the way, you will go

I've just read the full thread. OP I encourage you to read back all your posts as objectively as you can. If you still can't see that he is controlling you then that's very sad. It's obvious to me and I suspect a fair few other readers. I am sorry to say that and not trying to be mean, just honest. It's easier to be honest when anonymous.

Usernameunknown2 · 07/06/2018 21:37

If you do choose for go maybe a mixture? A code word you can use on dp and a bingo sheet you can run him through after?

Motoko · 07/06/2018 21:45

There would be absolutely no need for another discussion about this later. This will be the 3rd one. He should have said after the first one that you don't need to go.

All this PA woe is me, I'm such a shit husband bollocks is designed to manipulate you. Why can't you see that?

And he's got his way hasn't he? Despite telling him that you really don't want to go, you're going to go.

Oh, and he uses affection to manipulate you too.

Loopytiles · 07/06/2018 21:48

Urgh

SilentBob · 07/06/2018 21:52

This thread is so far removed from my life that I can't quite get my head around it. I am watching Scandal on Netflix and can only see the OP as the president's wife without any of the power.

Go, don't go; suck it up, don't suck it up; buy your own dress, don't; just stop having eight million discussions about it, it must be wearing you out.

stressedoutpa · 07/06/2018 22:56

Op, you are doing an awful lot of overthinking about this and tip toeing around your DH. Why? Sorry, but you need to develop a backbone.

I don't spend time with people I don't like or people who are rude, condescending or judgemental. I also couldn't give a shit about what they think about me not attending. I have lots of friends and wouldn't waste an evening with this bunch of losers. If I were you, I would be very concerned that my DH just can't 'see it'.

Are they lawyers?

Cambionome · 07/06/2018 22:59

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Please, please, please stand up for yourself, op. This is getting painful.

blacksax · 07/06/2018 23:14

It only needs to be a short discussion.

You - I've decided. I'm not going.
Him - Oh. tells you why you should go
You - No. I'm not going.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 07/06/2018 23:30

The face that "we will discuss" sounds a bit like a teacher dismissing their pupil.

It's your choice. If it's how you feel and you have explained it, it's not we it's Me - as in you - who decides.

You do not need his permission not to go.

Fruitcorner123 · 08/06/2018 00:16

My DH used to work somewhere that had big partys at Christmas and we both loved them and looked forward to them. If I decided one year I didn't want to go the conversation would have gone something like this:

me: " I am not going to come to your Christmas party this year

DH: " why not?"

me: " I just really don't want to because X,Y, Z"

DH:" I am really disappointed but fair enough I understand" OR " I hope you rethink that because I want you to come "

There is nothing to discuss, you don't want to go so you don't go because you are an adult capable of free will. We discuss things like what we will spend our savings on and where we will go on holiday we don't discuss whether or not one of us will do something we don't want to do because we are separate individuals so if we don't want to do it we don't do it.

ElenOfTheWays · 08/06/2018 01:51

Why does your DH think that your "no" is the beginning of a negotiation? It's not. It's a "no".

You seem pretty downtrodden to me. I get the feeling he's been manipulating you for years. Your feelings are just as important as his. He needs to understand this. And so do you.

maras2 · 08/06/2018 06:04

In your second paragraph you say that DH will defend you.
WTAF? Why would you even consider going to a social occasion where you need to be defended?
What a weird concept. Confused
As has been said before It's an invitation not a summons. Don't go.

GuntyMcGee · 08/06/2018 06:27

OP, in my home there's a rule. I don't attend his work functions and he doesn't attend mine.

For the other party they're hideously boring. Having to make small talk with people that your partner has been randomly thrown together with is painful and unnecessary and being stuck next to a partner who is continuously talking work with colleagues for hours is incredibly dull, particularly if you dislike or have nothing in common with the other people who are there.

In fact, I'd go as far to say that expecting a spouse to endure that kind of thing is pretty self centred. It smacks of 'showing off the trophy' and for that in itself I wouldn't be going.

So don't go, and stop giving a flying shit what these arseholes think of you and DH.
It's his place to explain your absence if anyone asks, and it's his place to react (or not) if people make misogynistic comments about the power dynamic in your relationship.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/06/2018 06:56

It’s a no brainer ! Don’t go
And get some time back to do something you actually enjoy Grin

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 08/06/2018 06:56

'Op, you are doing an awful lot of overthinking about this and tip toeing around your DH. Why?'

This. Your posts are full of analysis of every single little thing he does, trying to gauge his mood or how he will react to something, why he does the things he does. Your mental energy revolving around him. I suspect that is the way he likes it.

Original poster
rosesandflowers · 08/06/2018 07:23

Op, you are doing an awful lot of overthinking about this and tip toeing around your DH. Why?

I guess after yesterday I'm keen to avoid any fighting again. I know this is a touchy subject so best to tread carefully and avoid another fight. I hate arguing with DH; it upsets me, it upsets him, the kids will pick up on it- if I can do this tactfully, I will, especially for DD1.

Anyway, we did do this tactfully! I know lots of you are concerned but I was considering going anyway before DH even came home, you can see in my first post. He has been manipulative - something I just need to keep bringing up each time until the behaviour stops completely.

Anyway, I'm going, but DH and I have agreed that I'm driving up separately so I can leave when I want to (thanks to the poster who suggested this). We're going to sit in a space where he's next to me if possible and he's going to encourage a slightly more whole group discussion to avoid me just talking to these women the whole evening.

Should make it much more bearable! Thank you for all your help xx

OP posts:
Slartybartfast · 08/06/2018 07:26

Reading this, can I suggest you chat to the husbands of the wives who work with your dh? might they have common ground?
Be super nice to the women apart from the above. Play Bingo, as suggested. Imagine them all naked, that might make it easier to bear.

Slartybartfast · 08/06/2018 07:27

Dont talk about yourself, ask about them?

Original poster
rosesandflowers · 08/06/2018 07:30

Reading this, can I suggest you chat to the husbands of the wives who work with your dh? might they have common ground?

I guess I could try this.
They stuck together very tightly but y here's no reason I can't try. Who knows, maybe they'll be great.

OP posts:
897654321abcvrufhfgg · 08/06/2018 07:37

Blimey. When we go to my DH works party every year there is a look I give him that says “ if u spend another minute with your work colleagues and leave me with these women there’s no sex for a month and I may kill u in your sleep” It’s a subtle glare to the outside world but he knows I am about to lose my shit!!! No way would he spend the whole evening talking to other people and if I didn’t go then he wouldn’t either. In fact you both not going would solve a lot of problems!!!

Original poster
rosesandflowers · 08/06/2018 07:43

if u spend another minute with your work colleagues and leave me with these women there’s no sex for a month and I may kill u in your sleep

If I could convey that all in a glare, a lot of my life would probably be sorted Grin

OP posts:
DeepFatFriar · 08/06/2018 07:46

You have to let us know how it went OP!

FWIW the part i didnt like about this thread was how he stopped and started discussion 3 times upon arriving home. "We'll continue talking later....after work....."

MessyBun247 · 08/06/2018 07:50

Sigh. You don’t want to go. So don’t.

Your DH is an adult, he doesn’t NEED you there, he will be fine. If he’s disappointed then HE needs to work on that, you aren’t responsible for his emotions. Stand up for yourself FFS.