AIBU to think about just not going to DH's work party?

[rosesandflowers]

DH and I had a bit of a drama yesterday but thankfully that's all sorted. I've just received the invitation to one of the fancy company brunches they hold through the post. It's plus one but there's not much point in the plus ones being there.

As a general rule DH and I sit with his friendship circle inside work. I can see why he's friends with them; similar interests, lifestyles, upbringings, etc. especially as he spends lots of time with them at his job. But the truth is they're, as a general rule, awful. Condescending, narrow-minded, elitist ... not to mention they can be downright rude. DH will of course defend me if necessary but he can't do anything about the fact that I just genuinely think they're for the most part horrible people.

Generally DH will discuss work with his team so the spouses tend to socialise with each other. (One guy that DH works with in particular finds it hilarious if anyone not in the company tries to contribute or even follow the conversation. He takes some weird pleasure in asking their opinions if they seem to be listening and then laughing. It's weird if you ask me but we tend to not get involved in their discussion for that reason or even listen to it.)

As a general rule I don't get on with the spouses of the rest of his friends at all. The two husbands stick to each other very closely and generally don't talk to the wives. Most of the women are very different to me and often unkind. DH and I have a slightly different dynamic in our marriage as well which they love to pick at. They are mostly SAHM or SAHW like me but a couple have had modelling careers in the past I think. They don't really see the point in me having a job (I work from home) and are frequently rude about my career. The one woman I get on with has a real dislike for them and they dislike her back, which means I've become very isolated from the group and often on the receiving end of snipes/jabs. However her wife is on maternity leave and as such she won't be there.

DH knows I don't like his friends but doesn't really know the full situation when it comes to those I'm expected to hang out with. I'm not very involved with his job as it's quite difficult to really understand on the most part (or maybe I'm just thick when it comes to this stuff ) so he really enjoys seeing me in the context of his work setting. I tend to suck it up when events like this roll around because it is so important to him and to me that I'm supportive. However, with my usual friend not there I think it will be much more obvious that I don't get on with the others. I could do my best to remain involved but if they start making comments or just don't talk to me at all how am I supposed to?

AIBU to consider just telling DH I don't want to go and avoiding the whole event? I feel it will be awkward at best and DH will feel like he has to intervene if it gets bad, which could potentially disrupt his friendships and spoil his evening. On the other hand, I feel like I should at least make an effort, and I know he's going to be super excited about me going. Not to mention I'd feel bad causing another issue so close to our previous disagreement.

WWYD?

Hmm. I think I have a few doubts about how 'wonderful' your H really is. You have mentioned more than once that he is 'controlling but trying to change'. Yet he keeps dragging you to these events where you are surrounded by fuckwits who are continually digging away at you with the message that you are a woman who ought to know her place. I think there is at least a part of your H who agrees with these people, and his insistence that you attend is out of a hope that you will submit, sooner or later, and accept that you are His Woman and therefore must do as you are told and be endlessly obedient, flattering and decorative.

I read your other thread. Tiptoeing around him and pandering to his control issues will make things worse, not better. You resolved things yesterday - now is EXACTLY the time to say actually, I don't want to go to this thing - I can cope with them when X is there, but without her it will be pretty miserable for me, and so I am not going.

They sound fucking awful by the way, and no way on earth would anyone reasonable expect you to put up with that shit

Over the years, I've declined to go to many of DH's work or social events where the spouses are excluded from the primary group or where I'm expecting the crowd to be mostly self-obsessed arses (ten a penny in DH's line of work). I've always given the reason to DH and he has never tried to make me go to something I don't want to go to. There are a few events I'll go to because I know the people or I don't know them but he's said I'd like the people and they're not the sort to exclude the spouses. I can't even imagine taking jabs or comments from people at a social event.

It's done him no harm career wise and it really doesn't seem like it should be such a big deal. Surely he wouldn't enjoy you being there with him if he knows you don't enjoy it?

If they made stupid comments about your job, say no and speak to them like a child and loudly, like they are dumb as fuck. Let's face it, they are.

Do the same to his work colleagues. They deserve no kindness or manners. Just have fun and make them look stupid.

I'd be mortified to do that however tempting it sounds and it wouldn't be fair to DH.
I think composed and endlessly gracious is the way to go.

What sort of thing is the targeting woman likely to do? I'm quite good at being politely bored, so bitchy comment gets a lack of eye contact, me saying "mmmm" in vague agreement, pause a few beats then "sorry, I was in world of my own there, are we out of water/wine/butter?" A direct attack could be met with "I wonder what DH thinks about that?", then turn to your DH and say "Persephone thinks X, what do you think?"

In his previous job..!, hubbys company used to throw the biggest bashes, the women would spend weeks planning their outfits and getting hair, nails done. On the night it was all about who they could network with the most, one woman whose husband had recently been promoted to manager complained that ‘executives’ (aka her manager hubby etc) should have a roped off area. Hubby was CEO at the time, I was swigging champers and having a cheeky smoke (alcohol!), I think she thought I was the caterer!!! Needless to say, never ever been to a work do since and never will again, hubby completely totally understands!! Can’t bear the snobbery basically xxxx

Your DH's work colleagues sound insufferable, and their other halves are a bunch of charmless wonders as well, aren't they?

Personally (and I'm not normally one to put up with this sort of goady twattery from my DH's colleagues either) I think I'd say to myself 'sod it' and go. And if anybody starts, I'd just smile sweetly and say one or other of the following:

"How nice"
"Oh I don't have an opinion on that, I'm just here for the free lunch"
"Never considered it really"
"Lovely"
"I'm sure you're right"
"So....... what do you do?"
"Fancy that"
"Oh, I'm never all that worried by other people's opinions"
"Such a pity when people feel obliged to fit into a mould, isn't it?"
"I do so much enjoy being an independent spirit"
"Such nice weather we're having"

Just think to yourself 'What would the queen do?' and do that!

And above all - make sure that you are not dependent on your DH for transport, so you can leave whenever you like.

What sort of thing is the targeting woman likely to do?

Generally she begins with pretty basic stuff. Children will get brought up somehow and she'll go, "oh, Deborah just did/started … [hobby or event or whatever]. I think she's wonderful. I went to watch her. I'm so lucky to be happy and secure enough to be fully supportive of my DC."

My philosophy with this generally is a kill her with kindness sort of thing. "Oh, it's great that Deborah's doing [so and so]" or some other comment. But then she usually steps it up and starts commenting on hair/clothes etc. and she usually links my apparently unappreciated clothes to finances. "Oh, did you want to pay for the dress, instead of [DH]?" I think was last year's. Followed by a tinkly laugh and a "sorry if I was insensitive!"

She's just not very nice at all. I think it makes a few of the other women slightly uncomfortable, and then everyone slowly picks up on a weird atmosphere before someone moves on.

^^ Not sure if this makes sense but my job isn't very high-paying; I do it because I like it. Hence her "did you pay for it" comment.

@rosesandflowers you sound like a really nice person who's sweet and trying to make sense of things. I hope everything works out for you and your other half.

DH came home.

I showed him the invitation and asked him if we could talk about it, so he asked me if something was wrong. I said I was thinking of not going this year.

He seemed a bit shocked/concerned but just said to wait for him to go shower and get changed and then we'd talk.

How did I know the attack would be appearance based? So predictable. So, she says that, and you say "Oh, I wonder if DH thinks I look cheap/out of date?" without pausing turn to him and say "Persephone is asking if I paid for my dress myself, I think she thinks it's not expensive enough. Do you like my dress?"

The bitchier she is, the better this works as I bet she'll hate looking like a cow in front of a MAN.

you sound like a really nice person who's sweet and trying to make sense of things. I hope everything works out for you and your other half.

Thank you very much for this!

This made me feel a whole lot better; I was worrying I've been coming across as a crazy person. '

DH is coming down soon so hopefully this goes well.

The best thing is that your DH will probably at least say "you look fine" then you can be a Stepford wife and say "Well DH thinks I look fine and that's all the matters to me." You haven't even disagreed with her, your DH has and you would never disagree with your DH.

The bitchier she is, the better this works as I bet she'll hate looking like a cow in front of a MAN.

I might try this.

If she makes a comment about DH paying for something, I might say, "oh, no, DH loves this dress! Don't you, [DH]?"

And when their end of the table turns to mine, I'll offer the sweet explanation of, "oh, so-and-so was wondering if I paid for my dress."

And leave her to squirm!

And she will almost certainly assert that she didn't mean anything in the slightest bit bitchy, and you can be bland and say "I must have misunderstood".

Repeat for every bitchy comment until she huffs and turns to the person on her other side.

Tell him you don't want to go and he can just tell them you're I'll.

Ill

It all sounds like torture to me even if you can bat back the sly digs and remarks.
I hope you can get pissed at least on the free booze

Weird.

Both my OH and I have jobs that aren't glamorous, per se, but are quite senior and...on the high end of well-paid (trying to be neither boasty nor outing here), so there are certain, er, perks.

BUT they are work-related - we're expected to go and do work stuff with people who we work with, or for, or with people who work for us. Neither of us are expected to bring an OH to a do to either flaunt as a trophy or entertain at the expense of doing work stuff.

(For the record, neither of us particularly enjoy such events - we're not very peopley people, to be honest, and neither of us are very sure how we've got to where we are, career-wise! - and it's always nice to come home, kick off shoes and have a bit of a whinge to the lucky OH who didn't have to go!)

I hope you can get pissed at least on the free booze

I don't even drink so can't do that

DH has turned the shower off so should be down soon.
Hopefully all goes well.

Honestly, op - I just can't believe anyone is posting anything like this in the 21st century!!

Get a grip and walk away from this massive pile of shite. You just cannot spend the rest of your life tiptoeing around your controlling dh and his ridiculous and unpleasant colleagues. Woman up, for God's sake.

You don't drink? You're a stronger woman than me, I'd be face down in the free champagne I think!

At least you can vent on here and relay all the awful behaviour to us. A live stream?
This all sounds like a different world to me. I've never encountered people like this before. It all sounds so fake.

I told DH I didn't want to go this year. I gave a brief explanation of the other women and their attitude towards me, and said that based on the year I've had and the fact that due to my friend not being there, I'll essentially be isolated for the rest of the evening, so I think it might be worth considering me not going this year.

He laughed He said that they can be a bit prickly, but of course they like me and I'm making a lot out of a few comments; that he knows it's been tough but it'll be good for me to socialise etc.

I replied that I socialise plenty with my friends and that it's not fair of him to minimise the situation. At that point he stopped laughing and told me he really valued my presence at these events, that he loves having me support him etc. I definitely do feel bad about that which I think he sensed because he used the opportunity to add that I was being silly anyway and that I'll love it once I get there.

I said I'm willing to go and suck it up considering how much you appreciate my support, but I am doing that, sucking it up. I tried to make it clear here that I don't love these events - which he knows.

Anyway, he got an important email so has gone into his office for now. He says we'll continue the discussion later.

Disappointed but not surprised. I think I have to make it clear to DH that I don't appreciate the "you're being silly" tactic when he finishes responding to his emails or whatever, but I am definitely leaning towards just going and gritting my teeth throughout the evening considering that he does really like my being there.

Any thoughts on how I should approach this? Yesterday I got some excellent advice at dealing with my stubborn strong-willed DH and am thinking in taking it the same direction where I just sit down and talk to him gently.

But considering he was somewhat manipulative again just now, I'm not sure if yesterday really worked.

I might try this.
If she makes a comment about DH paying for something, I might say, "oh, no, DH loves this dress! Don't you, [DH]?"
And when their end of the table turns to mine, I'll offer the sweet explanation of, "oh, so-and-so was wondering if I paid for my dress."
And leave her to squirm!

This sounds like you are going to go.