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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think about just not going to DH's work party?

345 replies

rosesandflowers · 07/06/2018 16:00

DH and I had a bit of a drama yesterday but thankfully that's all sorted. I've just received the invitation to one of the fancy company brunches they hold through the post. It's plus one but there's not much point in the plus ones being there.

As a general rule DH and I sit with his friendship circle inside work. I can see why he's friends with them; similar interests, lifestyles, upbringings, etc. especially as he spends lots of time with them at his job. But the truth is they're, as a general rule, awful. Condescending, narrow-minded, elitist ... not to mention they can be downright rude. DH will of course defend me if necessary but he can't do anything about the fact that I just genuinely think they're for the most part horrible people.

Generally DH will discuss work with his team so the spouses tend to socialise with each other. (One guy that DH works with in particular finds it hilarious if anyone not in the company tries to contribute or even follow the conversation. He takes some weird pleasure in asking their opinions if they seem to be listening and then laughing. It's weird if you ask me but we tend to not get involved in their discussion for that reason or even listen to it.)

As a general rule I don't get on with the spouses of the rest of his friends at all. The two husbands stick to each other very closely and generally don't talk to the wives. Most of the women are very different to me and often unkind. DH and I have a slightly different dynamic in our marriage as well which they love to pick at. They are mostly SAHM or SAHW like me but a couple have had modelling careers in the past I think. They don't really see the point in me having a job (I work from home) and are frequently rude about my career. The one woman I get on with has a real dislike for them and they dislike her back, which means I've become very isolated from the group and often on the receiving end of snipes/jabs. However her wife is on maternity leave and as such she won't be there.

DH knows I don't like his friends but doesn't really know the full situation when it comes to those I'm expected to hang out with. I'm not very involved with his job as it's quite difficult to really understand on the most part (or maybe I'm just thick when it comes to this stuff Grin) so he really enjoys seeing me in the context of his work setting. I tend to suck it up when events like this roll around because it is so important to him and to me that I'm supportive. However, with my usual friend not there I think it will be much more obvious that I don't get on with the others. I could do my best to remain involved but if they start making comments or just don't talk to me at all how am I supposed to?

AIBU to consider just telling DH I don't want to go and avoiding the whole event? I feel it will be awkward at best and DH will feel like he has to intervene if it gets bad, which could potentially disrupt his friendships and spoil his evening. On the other hand, I feel like I should at least make an effort, and I know he's going to be super excited about me going. Not to mention I'd feel bad causing another issue so close to our previous disagreement.

WWYD?

OP posts:
rosesandflowers · 07/06/2018 17:50

Could you suggest a compromise to your DH? Tell him how much you dislike his colleagues, and why.

Tell him you really would prefer not to go, but you know how important it is to him.

Suggest that he and you make a point of spending time with other people at the brunch - call it networking. His arsey sounding friends can't argue with that!

That sounds good - if I don't end up going DH can always mention that I wanted to "make up for it" and hopefully we can do something with some of the group in a less intense environment, perhaps with some of the particularly horrible ones there.

OP posts:
Motoko · 07/06/2018 17:50

I wouldn't go, and I'd have told my husband after the first one I attended, that I didn't like them, and why.

Why on earth haven't you spoken to him about it before now? It sounds like it's been going on for a while.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 07/06/2018 17:50

OP has to "suck it up"? Confused What like a subservient wife? Just there to look pretty and not have any opinions. How soul destroying.

Can you buy dh a blow up doll and stick your face on it. He can take that with him. That will hopefully be passive enough for all his braying friends.

rosesandflowers · 07/06/2018 17:52

I'd use your daughter as an excuse - DH can explain that one easily and it's understandable to any rational person (which may exclude most of them but then it may fit in well with their 'wifey looks after the house and children' view). And tell DH that as the one you get on with isn't there you'd rather give it a miss this time and spend some quality time with DD.

I think I might do this.
I'm able to openly tell DH why I don't want to go but also the reason of DD might make it slightly more palatable for him.

I just can't deal with a repeat of yesterday.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 07/06/2018 17:56

If you're honest with him about this he'll say you're "over emotional, making dramas up in your head" ?

He doesn't have a great attitude to you. He's dismissing you as a hysterical woman then. Sad

Fuck that, I wouldn't attend another brunch.

LakieLady · 07/06/2018 17:57

I hate this sort of shite. Your DH is the employee, they have no right to expect spouses to attend.

And what about people who are single? Do they go one their own or are they expected to find a "plus one"?

crispysausagerolls · 07/06/2018 17:58

I would just go because it's important to DH and won't be a long event (and the food might be good). Mostly I would go because of all the times he has gone to things he didn't enjoy for my sake, and also I wouldn't want the bitches to think they had scared me off. It depends it your DH does a lot of things for you that he doesn't enjoy. I do generally think for these types of work events if spouses are invited it's a nice gesture for them to go.

They do sound awful though, and I would have my best "polite but disinterested" game face on!

rosesandflowers · 07/06/2018 17:58

I wouldn't go, and I'd have told my husband after the first one I attended, that I didn't like them, and why.

The first couple I attended his friends made me want to retch but I got on decently with the other women. It was a dull evening but the women weren't rude to me and there were no jabs. DH really loved me being there and I figured that considering it made him so happy, a boring brunch was perfectly fine.

Once my friend's wife joined the "group" it became a lot more interesting, but as she also has quite a successful and much more conventional career and is a lot blunter than I am, the other group decided they didn't like her (and therefore were a lot more standoffish with me).

DH was still so happy though and I figured that I could still "suck it up." Now I'm essentially going to be isolated at the very least and I suspect at least one of the other women will target me. She generally does quite a lot at these lunches. After such a stressful year and with my DH and I currently hitting a bump I don't really want to cope with this.

OP posts:
rosesandflowers · 07/06/2018 18:00

He doesn't have a great attitude to you. He's dismissing you as a hysterical woman then.

This is essentially what happened yesterday. I was fuming, DH eventually had a conversation with me and we've agreed it's to do with his obsession with control.

We're trying to cut this down slowly but I think something as big as this might bring out those tendencies again.

OP posts:
Spartacunt · 07/06/2018 18:00

Get your DH to tell them all you can't come because you're at a really really high profile event but are sworn to secrecy about what it is (a royal wedding or something). Then stay at home and drink gin.

averythinline · 07/06/2018 18:01

How many people are going to be at this 'brunch' is it during working hours??
if he works with people in lots of different departments then are there going to be lots of people there or is it some sort of small clique? sounds hideous....this the sort of crap that encourages discrimination and sexism sod that...

Tell him you are not going why are you scared of this? you keep making what sound like excuses ....dont blame your daughter just say I dont want to go
As they say .....its an invitation not a summons.. you have a prior engagement.... he can just say that if anyone asks...its not like they woudl change the dates to suit you if its a corporate thing....

why do these people have some much input into your life/time ??

rosesandflowers · 07/06/2018 18:04

And what about people who are single? Do they go one their own or are they expected to find a "plus one"?

I don't really know the protocol for this. I imagine they would try and find a plus one, but it's not necessary.

But if you're in a relationship and they don't come, I think they see it as more of a faux pas.

It depends if your DH does a lot of things for you that he doesn't enjoy.
DH has gone to all of my work events but they're few and far between and a lot less of a hassle He is super supportive of my career in other ways though.

OP posts:
sadunhappy · 07/06/2018 18:04

They sound like rude unpleasant people. I believe that no matter what your stature being civil, polite and having good manors is important. Why would you want to put yourself through this or your DH put you through this. It sounds like an episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

There are no friends in business.

Why is their so much pressure for partners / wives to. It's all pretence.

Concentrate on being you and true to yourself. That is what matters not what some small minded women think.

Motoko · 07/06/2018 18:05

Well, if your husband can't understand that and still wants you to put yourself in that situation, he's not worth the title of husband.

rosesandflowers · 07/06/2018 18:06

Get your DH to tell them all you can't come because you're at a really really high profile event but are sworn to secrecy about what it is (a royal wedding or something). Then stay at home and drink gin.

Sounds like a great plan but I doubt it'll work Grin

why do these people have some much input into your life/time ??

I guess because they have the ability to impact DH and my ability to get along with them might impact DH.
I would never make the decision to socialise with them without him in the equation.

OP posts:
rosesandflowers · 07/06/2018 18:07

Well, if your husband can't understand that and still wants you to put yourself in that situation, he's not worth the title of husband.

Do you mean understand why I don't want to go?

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 07/06/2018 18:09

DH has gone to all of my work events but they're few and far between and a lot less of a hassle He is super supportive of my career in other ways though.

I would just go then, and then expect a 3 hour foot massage whilst being fed chocolates afterwards! Grin

Motoko · 07/06/2018 18:09

Yes. If after explaining to him what they're like to you, he still thinks you should go. My husband would never expect that of me.

averythinline · 07/06/2018 18:15

your ability to get on with them is highly unlilkely to impact on him professionaly..
if you really think that then surely your ability to be a punchbag for the other wives will also make him a punch bag - 'he may have to step in' does that make sense to you really?

why can not he just say you had a prior engagement/appointment whatever....

rosesandflowers · 07/06/2018 18:19

I would just go then, and then expect a 3 hour foot massage whilst being fed chocolates afterwards!
Grin
He knows I find them dull so is always very sweet afterwards. We usually go on a date somewhere or just stay in with him being very doting and accommodating!

I am thinking of just talking to him when he gets home. It didn't blow up yesterday the third time and I really hope he'll be reasonable about it.

Yes. If after explaining to him what they're like to you, he still thinks you should go. My husband would never expect that of me.
I don't think he'll outright accept what I'm saying and then make me go. If his reaction is negative he'll either:

  1. Say I don't have to go, but get very stressed out and this will impact other aspects of his life, and be very apologetic, guilty and self-blaming alongside quite angry. I think it might also impact how he views his friends.

  2. Say I'm being silly/making it up in my head etc. and tell me that it'll be fine. If I insist I'm not and end up outright refusing to go, it will probably end up as an argument.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 07/06/2018 18:19

Your blunt wife friend who won't stand for all the bitchy nonsense sounds great by the way. How ridiculous that the other women have turned against you.

Sack it off because your friend's not there. Missing one brunch isn't going to send his career down the pan. No one should have to go to something that causes this much dread!

Bluesmartiesarebest · 07/06/2018 18:21

I’m not surprised that you’ve hit a bad patch with your relationship. My DH would be horrified if he thought that his work colleagues were being unkind to me. Is your DH generally insensitive towards you or is he thinking that his ‘friends’ (they are not friends - they wouldn’t hesitate to get rid of him from work) are more important than you?

Aren’t you tempted to get a divorce so you can avoid all this rubbish? (Only partly joking)

rosesandflowers · 07/06/2018 18:26

Your blunt wife friend who won't stand for all the bitchy nonsense sounds great by the way. How ridiculous that the other women have turned against you.

Oh, she's great Grin
Much more blunt than I'd dare to be!

Missing one brunch isn't going to send his career down the pan. No one should have to go to something that causes this much dread!

DH should be home by seven. I'll talk to him then about this.

OP posts:
rosesandflowers · 07/06/2018 18:30

I’m not surprised that you’ve hit a bad patch with your relationship.
It all happened in the course of about two days (I don't think you've seen my other thread) but I'm sure we'll be able to get through it. Recent circumstances have put quite a lot of stress on the family.

My DH would be horrified if he thought that his work colleagues were being unkind to me. Is your DH generally insensitive towards you or is he thinking that his ‘friends’ (they are not friends - they wouldn’t hesitate to get rid of him from work) are more important than you?

He doesn't really think that anyone's unkind, I don't think. He recognizes that most of the people he works with I consider absolute twats and understands lots of what they say is completely awful. When his friends make comments they're not generally targeted at me.

He doesn't really know what goes on at the other side of the table.

Aren’t you tempted to get a divorce so you can avoid all this rubbish? (Only partly joking)
I love my DH and while his career does bring stress, I do enjoy a lot of the benefits from it. I absolutely adore our house, for example, but there's no way I could afford it on my own income.

He is honestly an absolutely wonderful man even if he has his problems. Problems that we're going to work through as a couple.

OP posts:
Barbaro · 07/06/2018 18:37

I would go and just be rude back to the bitches.

If they made stupid comments about your job, say no and speak to them like a child and loudly, like they are dumb as fuck. Let's face it, they are.

Do the same to his work colleagues. They deserve no kindness or manners. Just have fun and make them look stupid.

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