Jesus she's not dead yet DP Ex wife

[notdeadyetalready]

Tonight lovely DP comes home all worried. His ex wife is harping on text about a weekend a fortnight away ( DP contact weekend) demanding to know what he is doing that weekend.

Teenage DC then text asking Dad, what are we doing weekend of (2 weeks away).

This happens a lot. Mum gets them all stressed about stuff on Dads weekends.

So ex W is DEMANDING to know what he's doing that weekend.

He replies calmly it's his weekend so don't book anything. We are busy.

More yelling about his unreasonableness. Then she starts up that they have a funeral and why isn't he more sympathetic he's a shot dad and they have to attend the funeral because it can't be any other time.

He calls teenage DC to express utmost sympathy about dear darling great Aunt.

To be told

SHE'S STILL ALIVE. (Albeit very poorly but still alive)

What sort of fucked up mind does that ???

We had a family funeral 2 weeks ago and that took 2 weeks from death-burial. However we have another Monday (my family are dropping like flies), and that will be almost 4 weeks between death- crem. If it's a busy period, crem can be up to 6 weeks here. It really depends on the area and how busy they are (obviously winter is busier than summer). Never been to or heard of a weekend funeral though.

I do just shake my head though at parents like this. Me and exdp have coparented really well. We would swop and change days at last minute without blinking. Because we would do it for each other. We've had days where ds was going out with one in the morning coming home an hour earlier than planned to go out with the other, because something had been going on that ds wanted to do both things.
Likewise weddings, parties, funerals, barbecues, we do our best to make sure he was there, because it was in his best interests. I don't get why some parents are like this because ultimately the only ones suffering are the kids. (Rant over)

That's funny because I'm in North West London, and I can tell you the three funerals i've been to this year have happened 24 hours after the death - all three of them

Are they muslim or Jewish funerals? because here in the north you are looking at three weeks in the winter, less in the summer, unless for religious reasons a quicker funeral is arranaged.

But one thing is pretty nationwide: you are actually only allowed to cremate a person once they are dead

I just choked on my coffee reading this!

what's wrong with him just replying, "we have great aunt margos birthday bash that weekend so i'm taking the kid to that" that's the answer to what are you doing, and to the follow up of can you change your plans " really sorry, this has been planned for a few months, luckily it fell on my weekend, give me the orthodontists number and i'll rearrange it."

Yeah, I'm Jewish (it was two Jewish and one Muslim funeral)...

I don't think it's that unusual for people to be planning for death and a funeral when someone is dying (but now I am wondering if that's just how it's done in my community). Maybe I am weird though :-)

She sounds jealous and nuts. I would be tempted to make any communications regarding the teens as something they can read too (copied into email or whatever) so they can see the reality of it

Batshit crazy. Poor kids.

What is she going to do if the aunt doesn't shuffle off this mortal coil in the allocated time?

Crazy, but I do know someone who planned a funeral before her father died. He was ill and she was going on holiday so contacted the undertaker, chose the coffin, talked to the priest and caterers before she flew off on holiday! He was still alive when she got back.

My mother planned her funeral when she knew her cancer was terminal, but she didn't set the date.

I too think he should call the orthondontist and change the appointment.

I know someone who’s funeral was on a Saturday at a crem.

Watched point of thread go by

You're not weird; simply put, different communities have different traditions around death. Even different families can have widely differing attitudes, to be honest.

The general bureaucracy of death can be slow in the UK, especially in densely populated areas, but because it is understood how important 48 hour funerals are to Jews and Muslims, hospitals and the register office try to accommodate that need when they issue the certificates.

After that, it's over to the family and the undertakers. Like everything else, the amount of time needed to organise a funeral expands to fill the time available.

I think there is an expectation that because the funeral can be delayed, it should be scheduled on a day that fits in with everyone else; in practice, this means you can't go for the first available slot at the crematorium because great-aunt Katy wants you to book a slot around her Chiropodist appointment. What with all the other bereaved families in the town doing the same thing, it's not surprising that delays stack up.

That's to Zooploo, by the way.

She does sound quite controlling but I can see more issues cropping up as the teens get older. What happens when they get weekend jobs, their mate is having a party, they get a boyfriend or girlfriend or they need to do a project or revision? Or they just don’t want to be away from home for the whole weekend?

If he hadn’t moved away then she wouldn’t be in a position to control and they wouldn’t need Mum’s weekend and Dad’s weekend as they’d be able to come and go between both homes independently. Is there any chance of him moving back locally?

Just as a reference for you @Zooploo I have had the misfortune of attending 4 christian or secular funerals in the last 6 months, one took just over 2 weeks, two took 3 weeks and one, took over 4 weeks due to crematorium overloading.

In many areas of the UK the crematoriums are over-burdened with work, and as a PP said in the winter the waiting lists are longer. However as Jamie said, Jewish and Muslim burials/cremations get to 'queue jump' because of the importance of the speed of burial for those religions.

As someone else pointed out though, it doesn't really matter as the poor woman isn't actually dead yet!

Thanks for the 'posts for zooploo'.

I kind of get why people would want a funeral on a weekend - and try to plan it (I don't for my own beliefs, but I can see how others would try). Weekend events are so much easier for most people to attend.

IDK, I don't feel the woman is all that bad in this post though. I don't see why Dad can't do the appointments with kids, I don't understand how she can have known there was a family party but be saying don't book things because we have a funeral etc... It just seems weird. Then again, never been divorced.

But Zooploo, how can they "have a funeral" when they don't even know when the poor woman is going to die yet?

Zooploo
If you don’t know why the woman isn’t that bad and why their father can’t take ops dss’s to the orthodontist, maybe you should (re)read the posts. She’s clearly batshit, out to sabotage her ex’s relationship with her children at her children’s expense and won’t allow their father to take them to the orthodontist. The woman is weird rather than the situation.

notdead
Loving the thread title. . How old are your children?

when they don't even know when the poor woman is going to die yet? I read it as it was expected she was going to die - as in the family (maybe not the girls) have been told she will die. That;s all.

Ive re-read the posts, I honestly can't see sabotage for certain at all - a few people have asked why the Dad can't do the othodontist appt for instance. Surely he should still be doing his share of these things even though he chose to move away?

Well I’m sure he would do the appointment, as the OP has confirmed, but not on the day when there is a big family party that was arranged six months previously.

That’s why sabotage is suspected. And I think it’s weird to arrange the actual date of a funeral before someone has died. By all means choose the coffin, speak to caterers, speak to venues etc. But booking a date that clashes with a long arranged family event of your ex. Just no.

Im really confused why someone who actually ended the marriage would be so bitter. Presumably she assumed (because she didn’t want him) that no one else would. More fool her. It’s such a shame that she’s dragging the children into this. I’m sure that they’d much rather go to the party than the orthodontist+funeral combo.

Zooplo - come on, you MUST be able to see that telling the OP's DP that the children are "going to a funeral" of an aunt who isn't even dead is clear manipulation to prevent them going to their father's family do??

The woman can NOT with certainty say that the funeral is on that Saturday, because the aunt is not dead. The date of the funeral can't be set by most normal people before the person whose funeral it is has actually died, as that is a prerequisite for a funeral to take place (usually).

So to say that his children cannot go to this event because of a funeral that cannot have been booked yet is manipulative and, quite frankly, bollocks.

It’s interesting the difference between Ireland and the UK in regard to funerals.

Here funerals are within 3 days or so (longer if family are coming from abroad), most funerals are religious (the nearest cremation to me would be a 2 hour drive and nobody accompanies the body there - but I’ve never been to a crematorium funeral so only going on what I’ve been told) & weekend (Saturday and Sunday) funerals are as common as funerals on any other day of the week.

@peopleplease reminds me of a long, painful circular conversation regarding the hypothetical arrangements in the event of the death of aging but healthy and robust MiL. It kept grounding and circling around the fact that we didn't have flight or ferry schedules in order to plan the exact travel arrangements. Plus details like pulling DCs out of school would be irrelevant if it was the weekend/ holidays. I eventually managed to stun the conversation into silence with the extraordinary suggestion of asking their siblings to allow an extra day or two so that our sides of the families could make arrangements and get there. They couldn't give me an answer about why it was so imperative that it all had to take place within 24 hours. I'm obviously far to used to local funerals being a minimum of 3 weeks if all the paperwork went smoothly!

A few years on and MiL is still very well

urgent glad MIL is still well!! TBH I’ve never heard of a funeral within 24 hours.