Aibu to think of you can’t micro manage of you want free child care

[Metoodear]

Just speaking to somone today who feels put out that they unable to micro manage their in laws offer of free childcare.

I just think of your getting free child care you pretty much have to suck up what time naps happen what their eating unless they have allergies and pretty much even how much telly they watch and throw in in that in laws have raised your husband or wife without to much drama so your then trying to teach grandma how to suck eggs literally

Aibu if you want to micro manage pay for a nanny or au pair

To be honest, Salaried I do worry I'm doing things wrong with my sgc so I do actually appreciate 'instructions'. Handing the children back cranky isn't what DSD needs at all. She needs a break.

Unsalaried! Freudian mis-read, there :)

I think the age of the child is also relevant in this discussion.

My MIL follows nap times and meal times with my youngest, but now it's starting to be flexible.

Once a child knows, and isn't confused by, different rules or habits at Granny's house then I think there's no need to be micromanaging. Ds2 is 9 and DD3 is 4 and they know that at Granny's house you don't shout down the stairs, but you are allowed to jump on the bed. At home it's the opposite. They also know that Granny might be able to be persuaded into ice cream or an extra 20 minutes on bedtime, whereas if they start bargaining staying up late with me then the end up in bed earlier.

I agree. My dm and dmil (yes! You read that right! 😂) look after my dc (2 & 5) quite a bit so I can go and ride.

I often return to pick them up to discover that they've just eaten 1/2 a tub of ice cream 20 mins before lunch. Once dmil cut ds's hair! (That I was annoyed about but I forgave her quite quickly and she did apologise profusely!).

I feel that as they're doing me a favour so I can spend some time on my hobby, I have to let things go. Also, they have a blast, especially with dmil as she lets them do things I probably wouldn't at home like sit in the sink and 'do the washing up' and other crazy stuff.

If they don't nap, big deal, ds can go to bed earlier, if dd has eaten a ton of ice cream, no worries, she can have a snack when she's hungry. I pretty much let it go. It's either that or waiting until ds starts nursery in September before I can ride and that's not happening!!

I opted against grandparent childcare because I want to have a modicum of control. If I was getting free childcare I wouldn’t feel able to say “please don’t take her to McDonald’s every day” (looking at you, father in law), or “don’t let her nap after three, I don’t care how tired she is”

With the nursery, I can tell them, don’t let her nap. And I know she’s eating healthily. And she is outside playing and not parked in front of the telly all day.

Also, I think it is a massive imposition on someone.

I mean my mum is a gem of a woman. Absolutely dotes on her grandchildren. But she doesn’t treat them the way she treated us. She lets them do whatever the hell they want. Chocolate before your tea? Of course! You’re at grandmas house! No no, she doesn’t need to say please and thank you to me! Etc etc.

As someone with 4DC and no family locally, I get really annoyed listening to people moaning about how their parents/PILs look after their childre

Why? No one forced you to have four children. We stopped at two because I knew there was less chance we'd get help with more.

I think there’s a bit of give and take really. My DF is staying with me for a month to help as “live in” childcare while I look for a new job to enter back into the workforce after being off for the last 4mths after having my son. I’ve yet to leave him alone yet (as I haven’t scored a job yet) but when I do he’ll need a list. It’s flexible but in all fairness my Dad didn’t really “raise” us kids on the day to day basis because he worked and my Mum stayed at home during the day so even at 60 it’s a bit new for my dad to be juggling a nearly 1.5yr old and an infant. My mum will come down for a month in July to kind of “tag” Dad out, and I know she’ll be much more comfortable and all I do is offer guidance in a sense of “these are the bottles, this is how much we’re giving X and Y, and X usually naps around X time and Y time” but it’s not set in stone. I mean really, if DD doesn’t have a nap or two during the day it’s going to be their headache dealing with an over tired toddler.

My father in law looks after my niece twice a week. He’s 58. My niece is 3.

He is KNACKERED by it. Absolutely knackered. And he’s in pretty good health. He just finds those days really hard.

I was so excited to become a grandma 2. 5 years ago but sort of sad too as they live abroad, I am partially sighted with a physical disability too. I never expected to be asked to babysit, and would my gorgeous grandchild see me enough to be okay with only me looking after her?

I needn't have worried!! I visit often, Skype a few times a week and last time I was over there urgent babysitting duties cropped up... Combination of poorly toddler and 2 working parents. I was woken at 05.30 by excited snotty toddler and we had a fantastic day. The best bit for me was when the little dude feel asleep on me, I sent my daughter a photo and she replied "I knew you'd be the best grandma ever". Made my day!! The only to do bits were no nap after 13.00 and no painting in the bathroom (?!)

I think @goodafternoonseattle makes a really good point that sometimes grandparents have a very different attitude towards their grandkids than they did their own kids. So whilst they may have done a wonderful job raising their DC it doesn't necessarily mean that they're treating their grandkids in the same way. My own DC can get away with murder with both sets of GP's, stuff which never would have been ok for us. They are treated and spoiled a lot more. Basic things like hairbrushing, teeth brushing, nappy changing and even giving medicine is avoided because my DC 'didn't want it'. Of course a parent doesn't have that luxury and sometimes has to be the adult and do things their DC might not want. If a GP and parent have a childcare arrangement I think both need to be aware of this and there be give and take on both sides to make it work, but it is ok to have some red lines I think around over indulgence or pandering, but it needs to be after a proper discussion by both sides. We know that they wouldn't respect our rules, that's their prerogative. It means we only ask for very occasional babysitting, anything more would lead to frustration. As you say OP, it's a favour and rare so that way they can afford to break the rules. If it were more often is get pissed off and they'd get pissed off at me for being pissed off so we just wouldn't do it.

Sometimes its worth remembering there's pressure the other way round too though and childcare may be dressed up as a favour but really about the GP's. MIL is repeatedly asking to 'help' more with the grandkids as a very regular arrangement. It's an awkward predicament. I don't want to deny her time with grandkids but don't find it particularly helpful when she has them as I get handed back an overtired, spoiled.kid. I'm a SAHM so childcare isn't a necessity. Saying no causes immense hurt, but if I say yes then because she's 'helping' in her eyes then all rules can be broken. It's awkward. It's not always a black and white situation.

however child has not been harmed not abused and has firmly placed that grandmother as his favourite he will have fond memories

EH? I would say that leaving a child in a soiled nappy for several hours out of laziness is actually pretty neglectful to the point of abuse.

EH? I would say that leaving a child in a soiled nappy for several hours out of laziness is actually pretty neglectful to the point of abuse.then why would you leave your child their then

Im really hoping im not asked in the future to provide childcare for any future grandchildren....ive raised my kids and i work full time now....i would not want to go back to small children...school runs etc etc...

then why would you leave your child their then

You are not coming over very well. Previous posters have explained but you do not want to listen. Sometimes it is about building a relationship, not free childcare.

meto

You don’t seam to be understanding that a reasonable person would respond fairly well to “please don’t do that” or that a list may be a decent way of avoiding these issues. Usually it’s better to try and avoid or resolve minor issues without going to the extream of saying grandparent can’t have alone time with child.

I’m a parent with very small kids (and adults) I use paid for childcare mainly because I don’t think my mother should be with a kid unsupervised ever and the rest of my near by relatives work full time like me.
I do however have grandchildren in the same age group as my own small ones and look after them often, I request a list of routines and requirements because I don’t have such an inflated opinion of myself that I’m unable to understand that my grandkids parents are the ones who make decisions and set the rules

OP - crispysausage said she did have to remove her DC from MIL's care. The problem with that, is that usually doing so results in damaging the relationship between the grandparent and the parents. If you can manage that so you don't have to do the 'nuclear' option of telling your MIL she's not fit to look after your child (and the resulting arguments with your DP) with some clear instructions, then that seems preferable to just taking action that is likely to cause long term family problems - not just with the grandparent involved, but wider family often get dragged into it.

And that's the rub, once you have discovered your Parents/PIL aren't just automaticaly caring for your DC in a way you think is acceptable, removing your child from their care is not an easy option, but you don't know that until you've already started using them and not sorted alternative childcare.

I just can’t fathoem those who husbands who have turned out well rounded with all fingers and toes need to give the people who did that a list of how to do it again

You're a bit obsessed with this idea that if the relevant parent is well-balanced, then absolutely nothing that the grandparents do could possibly be damaging, but life doesn't work like that. None of us died in a car crash, for example, but my mother was telling me recently how they never had babyseats, but just used to put us in a box on the back seat and hope for the best! (She wouldn't do this to my DC, I hasten to add). My MIL used to put orange juice in DH's bottle when he was a baby because he was fractious. He's well-balanced, with all his fingers and toes, but his teeth aren't that strong.
Anyway, I think a 'list' can do two things. My mum asks for them when she looks after DC because she thinks routine is important and likes to help keep to them. I have to keep telling her with DS2 it really isn't that important because he's not a routine baby. DS1 wouldn't sleep at night if he hadn't had his two naps in the day. The other use of the list is to assuage the parent's guilt. When I left DS1 with my mum to go back to work, it made me feel less like I was abandoning him to write out his routine for my mum. I didn't get upset if she hadn't managed to make it work though.

OP appears to think there are two categories- good parents who need no guidance about a different child, and bad parents who shouldn't be allowed to develop a relationship with their GCs. There is also only one reason GPs would be looking after GC, and that is because they are providing 'childcare' for free.

Life is not that black and white, as people have posted over and over. OP is being firmly entrenched in her view. I hope she loosens up when she gets grandchildren, or she likely won't see much of them.

It’s fine to mention these things but probably not to be put out if they don’t stick to every word. If you want stringent childcare, you most likely will have to pay.

I agree mytrain
I hope that the future (?) DIL doesn’t have different ideas in parenting than the OP because she might struggle tomthem see her dgc that often.
Because the DIL is then likely to think

• she thinks that she knows best but a clearly one of those grandparents that are dangerous/not good and children shouldn’t be left with her
• she just wants her own way
• she is acting as if she always doing is a huge favour so we don’t want to ask anymore.

Metoodear

Your opinion seems to be that if someone does you a favour they are also automatically allowed to do whatever the fuck they like, no matter how irresponsible or shitty. In theory, you can, but no one will want you to help them again and people will judge you for it. If my mother spends time with GDC it's also because SHE wants to spend time with her GDC, and obviously she cares about their routine and managing them in a way which is good for them. If someone needs 5 days a week of childcare from their GP then the GP will have a lot more flexibility, but it isn't an excuse for them to stuff the children with chocolate, not change the nappy and plonk in front of the TV for 10 hours/assume their parenting must be better and ignore what their children/children in-law want. Just like it wouldn't be fine for the parents of a child to do this. If they aren't up to the task it's better if they are honest about it rather than cutting corners and hiding behind your arrogant attitude of "I do whatever I like". You are not coming across as a nice person.

How on earth is "they sleep at x o'clock and eat at y o'clock " micro managing?

A list doesn't mean lack of trust, perhaps they find it easier to follow the routine... Even if not to the dot? When my inlaws had my lb I sent him with food, my parents bring it when they have him and know I like him to eat healthy....very grateful to both sets of parents x