Aibu to think of you can’t micro manage of you want free child care

[Metoodear]

Just speaking to somone today who feels put out that they unable to micro manage their in laws offer of free childcare.

I just think of your getting free child care you pretty much have to suck up what time naps happen what their eating unless they have allergies and pretty much even how much telly they watch and throw in in that in laws have raised your husband or wife without to much drama so your then trying to teach grandma how to suck eggs literally

Aibu if you want to micro manage pay for a nanny or au pair

It’s wether them watching peppa pig on loop and eating kinder eggs is more or less of a issue than the saving and having somone who really love dc look after them

I don’t think asking for a particular nap time is micro-managing especially if you’re looking after the child on a regular basis at a set time. It’s part of the child’s routine, it helps keeps them settled and not organised just to piss you off.

When I'm looking after my DP's grandchildren (usually with him) we appreciate knowing the current routine - although yes, we improvise as necessary. But mostly we'd try and stick to it.

We're trying to give knackered parents a break, not upset their routines and make everything worse for them.

I wouldn't micromanage, but if I were unhappy with how they were taking care of my child I would pay someone else for childcare, so I would have no problem explaining my preferences. I am not unreasonable.

If SDD stipulated 'no peppa pig on a loop and no kinder eggs' I'd be delighted.

There are often posters who are besides themselves that grandma gave LO biscuit strictly against instructions, but hell if you have a fractious child on your hands for 9+ hours sometimes a biscuit and CBeebies does the trick.

My mum doesn't provide regular childcare, but she does look after our DCs from time to time.

Beforehand, we go through anything she needs to know, and any preferences I have (eg don't let them watch tv for more than 2 episodes of Paw Patrol so I can stick it on for another half hour when I get home). She will basically follow what we say (obviously she may sometimes overrule, like if a child is very tired, she might let them watch more tv).

I also tell the DCs that they have to do what Granny tells them (even if it's not something I would be bothered about - eg my mum really hates them shouting down the stairs, so they're not allowed to do it with her, whereas it doesn't really bother me).

Surely this is how it works with family? Everyone respects everyone else's values, and you all work together! My mum would only overrule something I'd said if she had good reason to; I trust her judgement.

Two sides to this one.

I know of more than one set of parents left tearing their hair out as the grandparents have thrown a complete fit at the thought of grandchildren going to nursery/CM... sullked royally until they got their way - and THEN refused to adhere to the slightest request (and in one case, seemed to thoroughly enjoy getting to flex their muscles with DIL and ignore routines, likes, dislikes - returning a hysterical overtired sugared-up baby at the end of the day).

but 'they're doing you such a favour!'

In many cases - absolutely not, and if it wouldn't cause WW3 the parents would have them at nursery in the blink of an eye!

I agree with you OP. If you have to micromanage GPs.
Either the GPs aren't doing a good job looking after them, or you really want an employee to look after them.

I always took the attitude that my mum had raised 3 kids, so she didn't need any instructions when looking after mine! Plus she does us a big favour when she does it, so I'm not about to lay conditions.

OTOH, my kids are fairly easy and we've never been mega-regimented parents, so there were never set nap times when they were tiny and not lots of rules now. My mum also has a health condition, so if on a given day she can only manage sticking them in front of the telly that's OK, as it's only sometimes.

ThePencil I guess the last stament

Is the key
“I trust her judgement”
Why do grown adults who have raised you or dp with no drama lovelingly need a hour by hour list of what to feed the barr allergy’s and what to do with them

Grannies are not replacement parents their nans their not unpaid 18 year old au pairs
To me it’s a trust thing

I have raised 3 kids fostered and adopted and have a level 4 in childcare I don’t need to be told how to suck eggs and think it was CF especially from a very new parent

Well someone has a high opinion of themselves....

It’s really being a cheeky fucker for a parent to say “my baby needs a nap at x”? How easily offended are you?!

Well i agree and i don’t at the same time.

The fact that the MIL has successfully raised children doesn’t mean that she is doing things that are ok.
Eg when I was a child it was ok to wean a child at 3~4 months, put rusk in their bottle etc... Obvioulsy not ok any more. Would it be ok to let the MIL give solid food to a baby less than 6 months in the ground that it didn’t kill her own dcs?
In the same way, nowdays, most people would find it ok to give sugary food to a young child/toddler. Whenky dcs were little, raisins were seen as THE great healthy food to give to toddlers. But we are now moving towards saying these foods have too much sugar and aren’t suitable. I suspect (and hope) that in 10 years time, we will see raisins as fully unhealthy and unsuitable and no one will give some to a toddler. If the mum says no raisins, is she micro managing or just a bit ahead of her time (or with more knowledge of nutrition)??

Same with naps. The child might well not sleep at all in the evening or be a total nightmare if they have no naps (but he was having fun!) or a nap too late (eg falling asleep in the car in the way back home).
The idea of a grand parent looking after their dgc is to help. Making it harder to parents once they are back home isn’t necessary imo.

On the other side, insisting on a very strict list of foods, list of activity etc... is micromanaging and unhelpful both form the grandparent and the child. (One of the big positive of children been looked after by grand parents is that they get to experience a different way of doing things)

I don't think naps or food is micromanaging and if someone looking after a child can't abide by some simple requests like can DC please have a nap about 2 and please don't give them squash juice or sweets then they shouldn't be looking after a child. Having sugar crazed toddlers who've watched TV all day and not napped is dreadful. No smacking or shouting is also an absolute no for me personally. If they tell you what to do minute by minute its not good but requests for good reason should be followed.

But not having everything your own way is the price you pay for FREE childcare

I disagree, my mum was happy for meals to be prepared for babies (I wasn't precious about sweets / biscuits either) but when it came to the post 3pm nap it made my DS unhappy the next day and us (the parents) suffer a night of unsettled sleep and lots of waking from an agitated DS. Surely it's just sensible to stick with the normal routine?

My dh nan used to give him egg chips and ham every time she looked after him and loads of cake I means load she would by him a big bag of cola bottles

And guess what he has two degrees not obese and loves his nan and gets a bit emotional every time he eats a fizzy cola bottle

And I agree that the fact you have some training in childcare and the parent is a new mum does NOT mean you know better than them.

There are plenty of ways to raise a child. Their way might not be yours and it’s normal as a grandparent to also accept those differences rather than imposing your view on chilrearing onto them.
Besides, they will still be expert if their own child, even as a new parent...

My MIL asked me for a written schedule of exactly what to do when and stuck to it by the minute. She’s a gem

Broad parameters agreed by everyone are good. They help to maintain basic consistency.

But sole care of small children without reasonable autonomy (as a nanny, childminder, grandparent or anything else) would be a nightmare.

I went away for a long weekend, and left 6 pages of my DT’s likes/dislikes, how to use the steriliser, feeding times, nap times, our daily routine and everything in between. In my defence, I did say this is what I do, apologised for writing it and said I’m not trying to tell you how to suck eggs (my babysitters had raised 8 kids between them!) and said you do whatever it takes to get through 😂

I was told my notes were helpful when I got home, but now I’m wondering if they thought I was a right donkey...

Good to hear that.
Does it mean it would also be ok to put rusk in a bottle of 3 months then?? Because that’s what my mum used to do too....

@ “gets a bit emotional every time he eats a fizzy cola bottle”.

Tambien
No one gives their kids raisins somone better tell the raisin company that then so they can pack up shop

metoodear i dont think you are coming across that well so perhaps your DIL will.
not ask you to have her children anyway. SensingWeakness was talking about her own mum and what she said made complete sense. Giving a baby cola is wrong and not acceptable for example.

If you are asking the grandparents to do basic things like not stick them in front of a screen all day or feed them junk then that's reasonable, if you are micromanaging every aspect of their day that's not.

I would be grateful to be given details of naps and mealtimes if the child follows a routine as I would find it helpful. I would be offended if they started criticising me for amending it slightly to suit my plans for the day though.

My MIL asked me for a written schedule of exactly what to do when and stuck to it by the minute.

By the minute?! I hope you’re paying her handsomely.