Aibu to think of you can’t micro manage of you want free child care

[Metoodear]

Just speaking to somone today who feels put out that they unable to micro manage their in laws offer of free childcare.

I just think of your getting free child care you pretty much have to suck up what time naps happen what their eating unless they have allergies and pretty much even how much telly they watch and throw in in that in laws have raised your husband or wife without to much drama so your then trying to teach grandma how to suck eggs literally

Aibu if you want to micro manage pay for a nanny or au pair

@samheughanslefteyebrow did that really happen? Thats so sad. Ive often come accross threads where gp don't believe children have certain allergies as they weren't around in 'their day' :(

I want to go rouge. Do I need to start my own thread?

this is the reason we declined offer of 'free' childcare.

So many grandparents offer childcare when they are thinking about looking after a lovely snuggly baby. Most don't factor in that toddlers are physically draining to look after - and of course it's tempting to put on the TV or let them sleep all afternoon or let them eat crap rather than have the argument about healthy food - particularly if it's not you that has to deal with the bouncy child at 2am. (and then try to do a day's work the day after on no sleep).

Pretty much everyone I know who's used 'free' family childcare hasn't been 100% happy with the care and have had to accept lower standards than if they were looking after their child themselves. Generally, it's not the standards the parents/PIL had when raising their own DCs, but they are older, tired, and not the ones having to deal with the night times.

I sense that op is the GP and this isn’t about a ‘friend’ at all

My view is that the parent is allowing the GP time with their child so they should respect the boundaries put in place by the parents - the routine isn’t there to piss GP off, it’s actually for the good of the child! It really annoys me when GPs choose to ignore their gc routine because it’s inconvenient to their social plans - eg, don’t bother giving a nap because they want to go out and see ‘x’ friend for coffee. The child ends up exhausted and this has a knock on effect on the evening and subsequent days/evenings.

I love giving my parents the second chance being a grandparent is. But, yes, they possibly feel I "micromanage" at times. But if it makes it all a safe, positive relationship, then that's best for the kids.

If the parents are micromanaging you, OP, ask yourself why?

Jloassofmeat No my oldest is 18 so unless their is something he is not telling me

CoffeeOrSleep I totally agree so you just say thanks but no thanks

Ah, so, op, you don't have grandchildren yet? Maybe that's why you can't see that looking after them is something GPs can pressure to be allowed to do, not some unpleasant chore that should be paid for. Most GPs enjoy, not endure, looking after the grandkids.

We offer free childcare to one granddaughter. Generally, the snacks and meals we provide are 'better' than what's on offer at home because we're not under so much pressure. If there's something she's tried at home that she likes, I'll buy/make it for her otherwise it's pretty much what we have.

Naps and outings fit in with what we're doing, but as far as possible, we try to keep in line with what happens at home. Certainly wouldn't let gd nap late unless unwell.

We're quite traditional, I suppose - no TV on during day, no tech (most of the time) when toddler is about and sitting at table for meals. She does have a folder on my ipad but it's a treat on a rainy day when we all need a break.

I like to think my daughter is happy with the free care offered and grateful enough to say nothing if she isn't!

Problem is OP - is often you don't really know your parents /PIL aren't going to be up to looking after your DC to a standard you think is acceptable until after you've agreed, gone back to work, failed to source alternative childcare (and round here, nurseries need at least 10 months notice) - and removing a child from the care of a grandparent is not a simple thing to do, that really is a lot harder to manage without long term problems to your relationship than just saying 'no thank you' in the first place.

My view is that the parent is allowing the GP time with their child so they should respect the boundaries put in place by the parents

I think this is were the problem stems from... those who believe they are actually doing gps a favour and therefore behave in an entitled manner towards them.

@Cynderella you sound wonderful

I guess that’s why I said nothing is ever really for free and every choice has a cost

So we opt to pay physical money and don’t pay the emotional cost a lot cheaper

What is it about grandparents wanting to ram chocolate down babies throats? Does my box in

On the other hand, I know several lots of grandparents who never give sweets/chocolate/biscuits to their dgc. The parents do. That's their choice, of course, but it's odd that so many posters assume the grandparents are the "unhealthy" ones.

The parks/libraries/museums round here are busy with grandparents entertaining their grandchildren. I don't actually know any who sit inside with the tv on, feeding the children sweets.

I'm another one who breastfed my own dc, so bottle-feeding was quite difficult for me and a list of intructions was very helpful. Ditto nap times and bedtime routine, which tend to change over the months - I much prefer to know what makes the dgc feel secure and happy. I did it for my own children, so why would I do anything less for theirs?

I have no sympathy with grandparents who feed their grandchildren rubbish and sit them in front of screens all day. If you can't cope, don't agree to babysit. A major part of child care for grandparents is surely the fact that you're helping your own child (and partner) cope with the demands of modern life? Letting a toddler nap at 3pm is downright thoughtless - why would anyone do that, knowing the impact it has on the child's parents?

There is an emotional cost to childcare outside the family, too though. No paid provider will love your kids like their grandparents, or aunts, uncles etc. However imperfect, and in need of guidance/boundaries/micromanaging they may be. That relationship cannot be valued in terms of money.

When my DGCs were babies/toddlers I used to specifically ask for a list of what was their current routine and what food they would be most likely to eat for meals. For me, having a list of meal times, nap times and preferred foods was very important, as I didn't want to disrupt the established routine. It seemed to me that the children would be happier and more settled if their routine was the same as they were used to.

I think one can take more liberties with older children (say, aged 4 and above), as by that age they realise that things are different in grandma's house compared with home and are old enough not to be fazed by any differences (such as grandma allowing TV more than the parents; grandma allowing ice cream more than once a week etc).

Same here bananapuddles - I leave lunch and snacks all ready made up, and we also have a memory stick of suitable TV - my DP/DIL fit into DCs routines more or less. Seems to work well for everyone here.

.....80sMum you sound just like my lovely mamma

@CatLady45. Yes, sadly, it did. It was quite recent. The grandmother was unashamedly unapologetic.

True that every choice has a cost - except in the case of free childcare that's not up to standard, the person who really 'pays' the cost is the child.

Because removing a child from their grandparents' care due to them not caring well for the grandchild is a big insult to the grandparent, and one that few relationships are strong enough to survive without some negative feelings, most parents who aren't 100% happy with grandparent care will try to 'fix' the problem first.

Plus you are assuming that grandparents didn't volunteer for care and would be happy not to care for their DGC. In some cases, the idea that the parents are doing the grandparents a favour by allowing them to do care is entitled, but in some cases, it's genuinely the situation. (there's been many a thread on here when a poster has being trying to find excuses to let down a Mum/MIL who wants to look after the baby and the poster doesn't want to use them.)

It’s common sense not to have naps at or after 5pm surely.

Most of the grandparents I see looking after their grandchildren, seem to be taking them for a walk with the pushchair, or going to look at the ducks, or shopping in town.

When I looked after them, we usually went to a play park, sometimes to do a bit of shopping and occasionally I let them choose something for tea. There was always fruit, yogurt and so on, but there was the occasional cake or biscuit. They were allowed TV after tea and homework, but not any devices.

Just because it sounds as though it comes easy to you, it doesn’t to everyone.

Micro management. No. Telling basic things like nap times, meal times, what not to feed as it makes a child ill / hyper etc. Little kids generally like routines and the exact timing of meals was important when dd was little to avoid.

...avoid meltdown.

I haven’t got GCs yet , though within the next 5 years seems likely, and would be grateful for an outline of their normal routine if I was looking after them. It’s easier than trying to invent it for a short time. I would also respect absolutely any dietary requirements. However, my daughters grew up travelling frequently on long haul expeditions to see DHs parents and they know as well as I do that a little variation won’t kill a child and that I can be trusted to act in a child’s best interests without being micromanaged - how insulting !

I never understood the obsession with little boxes of raisins- but neither do I think the occasional taste is going to doom a child to a life of obesity.

I disagree. But then both sets of grandparents wanted to look after the children so were happy to go with our knowledge about our children.