Aibu to think of you can’t micro manage of you want free child care

[Metoodear]

Just speaking to somone today who feels put out that they unable to micro manage their in laws offer of free childcare.

I just think of your getting free child care you pretty much have to suck up what time naps happen what their eating unless they have allergies and pretty much even how much telly they watch and throw in in that in laws have raised your husband or wife without to much drama so your then trying to teach grandma how to suck eggs literally

Aibu if you want to micro manage pay for a nanny or au pair

My step-sis did this to my step-mum. Not my monkeys or circus, but I thought it was crappy. Lots of emotional blackmail tied to "Well if you want a relationship with your grandson, this is how things must be done."

I trust my mum to keep my daughter safe and have a great day together. I do, however, get picky about naps. Only because my mum isn’t the one trying to get a toddler to sleep at a decent time in the evening. I also ask that she doesn’t snack through the afternoon because, again, my daughter won’t touch a decent dinner otherwise. I don’t think it’s micromanaging, just communicating with each other. My girl would happily have a two hour nap in the day and then be awake until 11pm. If I didn’t tell my mum the problems it caused then she wouldn’t know. No big deal, we talked and tried out some alternatives and it’s all good.

Why do grown adults who have raised you or dp with no drama lovelingly need a hour by hour list of what to feed the barr allergy’s and what to do with them

My child's whole week could have been fucked up by a messed up routine. Yes that was annoying but it's the way he was. So not it would not have been ok for his grandparents to ignore it. Why would they - as loving and helpful parents and grandparents - do that to us?

I agree with Tambien here in that I see both sides. I know of someone who used to give their MIL a book to fill out each day, what the child ate, when she slept and what activities the MIL had provided that day. That is cf*arry to the highest level, so rude imo. But nap times and basic foods etc aren't rude, that is for the good of the child and surely a gm would want their dgc to be happy? Sleep is extremely important and they'd have to be a bit of an arse to go against something like that on a regular basis

I have always had that same opinion that my mil managed to do a good job with dh bringing him up so I dont interfere with activities, bite my tongue at things not being done my way etc. But we didn't have biscuits until we were 2 and yet my dm has been giving them to my baby since she was safe to eat them, so that saying doesn't work for everything as grandparents tend to be very different with dgc
One thing that drives me mad with my mil is that I send a packed lunch when she has dd (twice a week) and she always gives her something else. I don't say anything because I don't want her to start second guessing any decisions she makes but it does annoy me, it messes up meal plans for later and means food gets thrown away too often. It also feels like she thinks what I provide isn't good enough. Coffeeandsleep is right too, to put my child in paid care now would be highly offensive to mil but she had said she'd follow instructions before I went back to work. Yes it's a price I pay and she is fantastic with my dd so I don't say anything but I do moan to my friends!

I kind of see where the OP is coming from. I had to suck up some stuff when my kids were small and being looked after by MIL a few days a week.

The issue with the TV on all day is a hard one for me though. It was different when I was young because there was no such thing as all day kids TV so you did other stuff.

If I had a sick day off school, there would be a bit of Bagpuss and Rainbow after lunch and then that would be it until later on in the afternoon. Now it really can be the all-day digital babysitter and that's just not good for kids.

I take your point about regular childcare where a choice is being made between that and paid for childcare @metoodear. However, what about occasional babysitting, say once a month? Still technically free childcare so doing the parents a favour, but surely in that case it's as much about the grandparents getting time with the grandkids, so more of a reciprocal thing?

In those cases I think grandparents should be a bit more respectful of the parents rules. Yes, it's ok to break them occasionally, but some grandparents do go a bit far in seemingly deliberately trying to undermine parents by actively encouraging the things they know the parents don't want.

I agree to a degree - nap times and meals however are part of a regular routine so the GP would be extremely U to change that. If the DC sleeps 12-1 normally and then the GP lets them sleep 3-5, it’s not them that will be up all night with them!

As someone who has been very grateful of free childcare in the past, I think there has to be a balance. I agree with previous posters that toddlers need consistency and routine with mealtimes and naps similar to at home.

But I always accepted/still accept that there will be times that the toddler has an extra snack I wouldn’t have given him, or falls asleep on the sofa at 4pm and my mum is too shattered to wake him immediately. They are/were doing us a huge favour after all. However, my MIL, from what I gathered, used to stick him in front of the tv all day, gave him chocolate buttons and didn’t change dirty nappies in the afternoon, leaving it for me to do when I picked him up. She no longer looks after him regularly.

I should have said, MIL gave him too many chocolate buttons. I have nothing against chocolate buttons but they don’t constitute a full meal

I don’t think asking grandparents to not give your child Coke for example is micro managing. It’s a simple request. Saying at this time you need to do this, then at this time this etc to me that’s micro managing.
We have help from both sets of parents which we are very grateful for & They often ask for any nap times etc as it helps them through the day. If I say nap is about 10am they know at 10am ish they could put her to bed. Otherwise she gets tired & irrational & makes the day harder for them. Of course there’s flexibility which I would say to them use their judgement (as many have said they have also raised children).
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask something though.

anothergreentomato I think if me and dh want to go to dinner then really big we’re honest that’s not about GP kids time it’s about us going out the time is spent when their is not catch no pressure so

The time spent when parents aren’t out or at work and it comes from the grand parents or child

If grandparents ask for dc and you say well we may as well go out it’s a different dynamic to asking them to have dc so you can go put then masking that in some sort of family time when it’s naked babysitting

cadburyegg

I should have said, MIL gave him too many chocolate buttons. I have nothing against chocolate buttons but they don’t constitute a full meal wink
however child has not been harmed not abused and has firmly placed that grandmother as his favourite he will have fond memories

So, you’re saying that parents shouldn’t express ANY preferences to how their child is taken care of as long as they aren’t being abused?

Also my son was 2 so I doubt he will remember.

nap time food rules are fine but when people expect their parents to do childcare 5 days a week free there has to be some flexibility a grandparent can't be expected to think of new crafts and games from 8-6 the odd bit of TV is fine, so is lunch being 15 minutes late

someone I know got really upset that grandparents would not let children jump on their beds or their sofas as they didn't want them to have that sort of restrictive rules; well for me it would be grandma's house grandma's rules no one has to allow bed jumping!

I give dmil a packed lunch for dd with all the food in it she needs for the day....thats more because theyre the type who would load her up with junk food if they had the chance. My hope is that it will inspire them to make sure anything else they give her is healthy....however i never ever ask what they gave!

@Metoodear I'm with you.
Up until very recently (change of job and therefore days/hours) my mum (and sometimes Dad) looked after my DS for me whilst I was working. They completely offered and I was extremely grateful. They were most shocked when they asked me for in depth details about DSs routine, eating habits, sleep-times etc etc and I just replied with 'do what ever is easiest for you'

They are providing me FREE childcare so I can go out and work and earn money for our little household (single parent) and giving up their free time energy and money because they are always taking DS out, buying him things eg the odd toy, ice cream etc and I am forever grateful for that. Without their help I would struggle to pay for adequate childcare and they love spending time with my DS and he loves them. By all means, make polite requests eg "please try not to let him/her sleep past x time" but I don't think it's right to give out lists and make demands children are their own person and it's hard to stick to a solid do and don't structure all the time

But following parental rules is probably more vital if it's an every day thing, it's much easier to tolerate chocolate buttons as a meal, or late nap, as a one off, but not every day.

If my son napped after 3 he would not go to bed until 10pm and it would be hellish the next day or we would be tired at work

Same here. Trouble is, even I couldn't stop my dc going to sleep in the afternoon, so couldn't complain if somebody looking after her had the same problem.

Agree!

One side: very respecting and will always ask if it’s ok to feed DC something if out of the ordinary/sugary etc. I’m very laid back but I appreciate being asked. Asks when DS might need to sleep etc. Feel very comfortable leaving DS in their care.
Other side: Views DS’s diet as an experiment and will feed DS food without questioning if ok in our presence, not filling me with confidence as to what would happen without us... These are things that I would not willingly chose for a 2 year old to eat! I get the impression that this side “knows better” which would make me nervous about leaving DS.
I don’t see this as micromanaging. It is respecting the parents wishes. When someone looks after my child I am trusting them with the most important precious thing to me. I don’t care if they “believe” they have their best interests at heart or are doing what they “believe” is right. If this isn’t what I have agreed to or been asked about that is completely unacceptable, favour or not!

I'm extremely lucky that my lovely mum minds my little boy when I'm working (I work part time ) She has always asked for details of his nap times and I've always left pre prepared food for him unless I know she's taking him out for lunch somewhere because it makes things easier on her. We communicate with each other about different things we've tried him with and things he likes/dislikes (which changes by the day at the moment! ) She says it's an absolute pleasure to have him and never makes me feel like she's "doing me a favour ". They have a great relationship now. Having said that I know I'm one of the lucky ones and that issues can arise with well meaning grandparents...

While you can't micro manage childcare from GP I think asked no for some boundaries to be respected is ok.

I don't see how you can compare raising your own child and minding a grandchild. Grandparents (none that I know anyway) cannot refuse their grandchildren anything. It's a different relationship. When at MIL my DS does whatever the hell he likes and is a brat on returning home because he's pumped full of sugar, has had no sleep and watched junk all day. I know for certain my DH would not have been allowed to do these things. I don't complain because like you say it's a huge favour but I do think your logic is flawed OP.

I think if me and dh want to go to dinner then really big we’re honest that’s not about GP kids time it’s about us going out the time is spent when their is not catch no pressure so

No idea what this means tbh

Totally agree!
Managing is fine; DS doesn't eat strawberries, is happier if he has a morning nap, finds balloons frightening.
Micromanaging is obnoxious; DD eats 5 organic strawberries at 9.50 ( no more as sugar content excessive) , naps in cot from 12.50 to 2.55 in total darkness with someone in room with her, isn't allowed in corner shop because she might want sweets etc.
Be grateful that someone loves your child and wants to spend time with them. By the way, you might learn something from this older person who brought you or your beloved partner up safely to be ok.
I feel much the same about the paid help you have to care for your child as well.

As someone with 4DC and no family locally, I get really annoyed listening to people moaning about how their parents/PILs look after their children

Agree. Chance would be a fine thing, eh?
I'd hand them over without a qualm. They'd get to know and experience other people who love them. Not sure it's good for kids to be brought up under a strict regime. Barring health issues and allergies obvs. There seem to be far more of them about nowadays.
As I posted previously, my dcs were a nightmare if they had a late in the day nap. However, I couldn't keep them awake myself so can't really complain about others letting them sleep. By the same token, they don't always nap when you put them down - especially in a different setting. I'd have loved a couple of afternoons a week to get stuff done and been grateful. I mean really grateful.