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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend admitted she doesn't like my DC. AIBU to stop seeing her?

172 replies

windygallows · 06/06/2018 12:17

Good friend for many years has admitted she doesn't really like my eldest DC (age 12) and that she only invites my DC over because her DC (same age) and my DC are friends.

It was a totally weird conversation where she said to my face in a casual way that she found my DC cold and standoffish and made a few other complaints. My DC isn't 'cold' and is very polite but does find my adult friend a bit demanding so probably is less close with her, if that matters.

This isn't the first time my friend has complained about my DC, in very general non-specific ways - it's not anything she does, it's her general personality. We used to spend so much time together and I feel sad about this, but I really can't imagine doing things together with her given how she feels about my child. I don't think I can forget/gloss over this.

AIBU to stop seeing her? And has anyone had a similar experience?

OP posts:
ChocoholicsAsylum · 07/06/2018 17:51

I think would you go out with a man who didnt like your kids? No...

perfectstorm · 07/06/2018 17:53

I used to actively dislike a friend's DD. She was spiteful and spoilt and was frequently nasty to my dd who is 2 school years younger but only 15 months agewise. We eventually fell out over it as I called her dd out on some particularly cruel behaviour to my dd whilst at my house.

That's really different, though. It's like the Mumsnet rule that you criticise a post, and not the poster - calling someone's child out on malice or rudeness, when unavoidable, is not at all in the same ballpark as telling a parent that you don't like them.

theyoniwayisnorthwards · 07/06/2018 17:56

I'd drop her like a hot coal and I'd tell her exactly why. If she can 'tell it like it is' so can you. I really cannot stand people using 'being honest' as an excuse for casual cruelty.

I don't care if my friends don't like my kids (although I'd probably judge an adult who actively dislikes a kid as weird) but if one of them said so to me I would take that as an indication of how they feel about me as well as my family. Respect means considering the impact your words and actions have on other people. I'm sorry this happened to you OP.

helenlsmith · 07/06/2018 17:57

she doesn't need to like your child, but having said that she didn't need to tell you, a true friend would of kept that to themselves, rather than cause a rift in your friendship.

JeffreyNeedsAHobby · 07/06/2018 17:59

Agree with pp just drop the kids coming over - arrange time for the two of you without the need for kids. I had a friend whose children ate me out of house and home, regularly broke toys and even a table (!), trod paint through the house and screamed bloody murder if they didn't get what they wanted that very second. It was the most challenging part of the friendship and I frequently wanted to tell them off for being so rude etc, but sadly there is something far too British in most of us to be so honest.

AJPTaylor · 07/06/2018 18:00

no excuse.
i have had friends without kids to we just meet up as adults, or some childless friends who love going out with friends
how dense are you to say to a friend they dont like a kid?
id sack them off.

BottleOfJameson · 07/06/2018 18:02

I don't know what on earth she thought she was going to achieve by telling you that. Absolutely no benefit whatsoever. Is she thought one of her friends was really ugly would she tell the friend that too?

JeffreyNeedsAHobby · 07/06/2018 18:04

Personally, I think it is a mark of a strong friendship if you can be honest - it's not cruel to point out that their kids trashing anyone's property is wrong (although obv OP says her kid is just quiet). In my opinion you are doing them a favour by saying it in a safe space rather than having people not inviting them over/to parties/gossiping about their behaviour behind their backs because they are too much to deal with. My friend luckily knew very well her kids were a handful and apologised, unfortunately, she also never told them off...so it kept happening.

TheBookThief · 07/06/2018 18:04

Her not liking your DC is fine, no one is everyone's cup of tea. One of my loveliest friends has pretty unpleasant children and another one has perfectly average kids but her constantly telling me how they are fabulous, amazing & can basically do no wrong can get a little wearing, BUT I like both my friends so we meet up without DC, and more importantly I nod and smile as the second friend regales me with her DC's fabulousness because I don't wish to hurt her feelings with a truth bomb.
So to tell you to your face she doesn't like your DC seems unnecessarily cruel, maybe she had had a bad day and couldn't hold her tongue any longer, all the same though, for that reason alone I would re-evaluate the friendship because it might become a bit of an elephant in the room where you start to feel you cant even talk about your DC when with her.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 07/06/2018 18:05

I'm normally very cautious about people tracking offence and ending longstanding friendships over the odd idiotic comment.

But.... suggesting to you that your daughter is unlikeable? Even I would burn that friendship without hesitation or regret.

WorriedWanda · 07/06/2018 18:07

I'd bin someone who didn't like my cat let alone my DC

Lindy2 · 07/06/2018 18:09

She's very rude. I can't see how you can carry on like before really. You surely can't want your DC to be around someone who says that about him.

Bobbi73 · 07/06/2018 18:15

It's very weird. One of my oldest and best friends has a dc who is really hard to be around, very violent and aggressive. Both of mine are afraid of the other dc and have asked not to have them over. I now see my friend without kids but never told her that I didn't like her dc as that is just rude. If she is a good friend, maybe you could see her without the kids around but I would find it hard.

MrsKoala · 07/06/2018 18:20

she only invites my DC over because her DC (same age) and my DC are friends.

I don't really understand this. Of course she wouldn't invite a 12 year old over unless they were friends with her dc. Why else would she? For a chat? of course not. My dc have friends and i'm not really fond of any of them. Because they are 5 year old boys and I am not. I think it's weird she thinks she should be mates a with a preteen.

IslaBoots · 07/06/2018 18:30

I had a friend with the same aged teen daughter as mine. Both girls enjoyed the same after school activity. My daughter was given an opportunity that others weren't. She invited friends daughter to join her, after persuading the group leader that she was worthy. The girls decided to join forces and to perform the activity as a duo instead of 2 solos.

Friends daughter's mother became a nightmare - she totally dismissed all my dd's suggestions and made it very clear she hated my dd. She never once came up with an alternative. She even managed to persuade her dd to enter as part of the duo and also put her in as a solo performer.

We put up with it for over a year. In the end I told her to fuck off! No regrets!

That womans malice toward my daughter over a year brought my dd to her knees. There's no need to be nasty.

Shame for the girls as they were good friends previously. But life moves on. Nobody needs negativity in their lives

NoobThebrave · 07/06/2018 18:30

Yes you can think it, you dont have to like your childrens friends but not say it to child or parent!!! I would say smacks of competitive parenting and is undermining your daughter (and you) to raise her own 'perfect' child up in her mind Hmm I would distance myself, as these types of people are a bit too high maintenance/mean for me and from experience it gets worse or they do say to the child which can have an impact on their self worth.

summerinrome · 07/06/2018 18:39

I could not continue with any kind of friendship with a person that was so rude about my child. It is okay not to like him that much privately, but to criticise him to you like that is just crossing every boundary I can think of.

Your child will pick up (or already has possibly) on the subtle atmosphere of being not liked and unwelcome, and who wants that for their child? Especially coming from old and treasured friends that ought to be counted on.

She has overstepped the mark, and I would be surprised if you can get past it.

Allthewaves · 07/06/2018 18:43

I don't like other people's kids tbh. Love my own but find anyone else's just awkward to deal with. But I'd never say this to any of my friends

Guiltypleasures001 · 07/06/2018 18:44

The ops friend is entitled to not like a child. She is not entitled to assassinate the child's character to her mother openly.

She's a bitch and there's something else going on behind it

Fflamingo · 07/06/2018 18:48

I wouldn't want my DC to spend time with someone who blatantly doesn't like them.

Imv she will definitely be less pleasant to your DD than others, don't subject your DD to this?

Just move on and find other friends.

HmmGrey · 07/06/2018 19:06

She’s entitled to have an opinion but it should’ve been kept to herself. The moment anyone thought it was ok, to openly talk negatively about my child, then the friendship is done.

Maybe she doesn’t respect you/ like you either because no friend would think that’s acceptable to say. Maybe she wants to put distant between your friendship? Or maybe she’s just an ice cold bitch

I wonder if she manages to keep a lid on it while your DD is round her house. Hopefully your DD isn’t picking up on her hatred.

You both deserve much better.

user1483875094 · 07/06/2018 19:14

I really, REALLY, don't understand why you even had to ask this question?? Ignore all the quasi mumbo jumbo emotional garbage written about this by others. This woman is NOT a friend, your DC is so very, very much more important than that persons somewhat PATHETIC and exceptionally spiteful and smug comments. WHY THE HELL DO YOU WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER IN THE FUTURE??? Trust your instincts, to love and protect your DC from this "abomination" of a "SO-CALLED" FRIEND! She is NO friend, in any way shape or form! You KNOW yourself that this is the case. DEAR GOD, who the effing hell does she think she is? Mrs. lovely pink perfect princess!!!??????? Tell her to f...ck off to hell with her "perfectness" because she is NO FRIEND, not in your wildest dreams.

bigmummydragon · 07/06/2018 19:19

Op I know the title of your post says your doesn’t like your DC but did she actually say that or was that what you surmised from her comments? Just wondering!

AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 07/06/2018 19:21

Not warming to your Dc is one thing. Openly criticising her personality to you is another. I would definitely cool the friendship.
Right at th start of the thread, this said it all really!
A friend of mine commented when my DS had dropped something round to their house the day before, with a laugh, that he and his wife had agreed afterwards that perhaps he'd grow into his looks, as he certainly wasn't what you could call attractive! I hadn't asked their view, and my DS did them a favour!

Worse still, he and his own DCs were actually rather 'unusual looking' themselves! But I still didn't comment on their looks - wouldn't be right.

SakuraBlossom · 07/06/2018 19:22

One of my friends DC once complained about my eldest and his mum turned around right in front of me and said "We talked about this. That's just the way he is and you can't change him, only your reaction to him".

I was Shock. Seriously, my eldest is a lovely child and everyone says so. I ran this by my best friend and she was gobsmacked. The irony is that this "friend's" DC are really annoying themselves but I would never be so rude as to point it out.