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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend admitted she doesn't like my DC. AIBU to stop seeing her?

172 replies

windygallows · 06/06/2018 12:17

Good friend for many years has admitted she doesn't really like my eldest DC (age 12) and that she only invites my DC over because her DC (same age) and my DC are friends.

It was a totally weird conversation where she said to my face in a casual way that she found my DC cold and standoffish and made a few other complaints. My DC isn't 'cold' and is very polite but does find my adult friend a bit demanding so probably is less close with her, if that matters.

This isn't the first time my friend has complained about my DC, in very general non-specific ways - it's not anything she does, it's her general personality. We used to spend so much time together and I feel sad about this, but I really can't imagine doing things together with her given how she feels about my child. I don't think I can forget/gloss over this.

AIBU to stop seeing her? And has anyone had a similar experience?

OP posts:
BlueJava · 06/06/2018 13:18

I find it hard to warm to other people's children. However, I would never say this to them or their parents - it's incredibly rude and no way to foster good friendships for my own children. I'd cool the friendship with her.

UghAgh · 06/06/2018 13:19

Not the least bit unusual to dislike friends kids but it's very odd and a bit unkind to tell them.

Cacofonix · 06/06/2018 13:20

My god! I can't believe she articulated that thought. I have a few friends whose kids who have aspects I don't like but I would never ever say and neither would these children know how I feel. How awful for you. I couldn't stay friends with someone like this, sorry.

senioritabonita · 06/06/2018 13:26

What did you say to her at the time?

AlbertaSimmons · 06/06/2018 13:27

What does she hope to get from telling you this? Does she think you're going to respond with "You too huh? Thank god, I thought it was just me?"

Cool it. You'll never look at her in the same way again anyway.

FATEdestiny · 06/06/2018 13:29

I don't like my best friends children. But we are best friends, and still are.

I haven't actually told her I don't like her children, but about 8 years ago we had an awkward conversation which the outcome was "let's do more things just me and you, without the children". Maybe you're friend was clumsily attempting to suggest this sort of thing?

Interestingly, nearly a decade on, our eldest girls (both 13 years old) are now very close friends - completely independantly to the friendship between their mums. And even better, friends DD is a much lovelier teenager than she was as a toddler!

corythatwas · 06/06/2018 13:32

The child had done nothing wrong.

The adult thought it a good idea to casually inform the mother that she doesn't like her personality.

This rather seems to suggest that the adult is not in fact a good friend to the OP and doesn't care very much about her.

I'd let this friendship drift.

Redglitter · 06/06/2018 13:32

I don't like one of my friends children. I make sure if I'm seeing her it's in the evening when at most I just have to say hello to them. I'd never dream of telling her though. That Would be so un necessary.

Everyone doesn't have to like your children but telling you that is horrible.

ravenmum · 06/06/2018 13:34

What has your daughter's personality even got to do with her anyway? Your daughter isn't coming to see her, she's not being a nuisance during her visits and your friend doesn't have to join in with their activities. Is your friend quite "me, me, me"?

LoniceraJaponica · 06/06/2018 13:34

I don't really like my friends' DC either, nor does DD, but they are all 17/18 so we don't meet with the children around anyway.

I just don't tell them, because I like my friends.

funinthesun18 · 06/06/2018 13:36

There's no need to actually tell you that she doesn't like your DC. Of course not everyone is going to like your children and not everyone is going to like my children either. There are probably children you and I both don't like too. But it's just bad manners to openly tell the parents, especially a friend, that you don't like their children.
There are a few children in my DS's class at school that I cannot stand. I wouldn't go up to their mums and tell them that though.

Of course if a child was to really hurt your child and was constantly being mean to them, I think it
would be warranted to tell the parent that you don't like their child! But then a proper friend would have told their child to stop before it gets to that point.

sue51 · 06/06/2018 13:37

I would find that friendship. Who says that about your child?

sue51 · 06/06/2018 13:37

Finish not find

janaus · 06/06/2018 13:38

Wonder what she would think if you had said the same thing about her child. Spend some time apart for awhile then re assess how you feel.

Octopeppa · 06/06/2018 13:40

Goodness, what a judgy and tactless "friend". Is she the sort who thinks everyone is obliged to behave in a very outgoing way and be "entertaining" company the whole time? It certainly sounds as if she doesn't realise other personalities are just as valid. And to make that pronouncement on your DD too? That's a friendship to cool freeze IMHO.

Luisa27 · 06/06/2018 13:41

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP.
I’d totally blank anyone who told me outright, and specifically, that they disliked my child. How unpleasant- no wonder your DC is rather distant with her, probably picks up on the nasty vibes

TheVanguardSix · 06/06/2018 13:42

Not liking your kid (but saying nothing and still be adult enough to treat your kid with respect) = not a deal breaker

Telling you to your face that she doesn’t like your kid = total deal breaker

Italiangreyhound · 06/06/2018 13:46

It's not necessary for your friend to like your dc but it is very unkind she has told you.

I think you can go two ways, tell her, have it out with her and leave her well alone or simply lesson contact, be busy and move away. I am a person who rarely burns bridges and so I would do the latter, especially as your kids are friends.

I've not read all the posts. At the end of the day do what makes you comfortable but doesn't jeposdise your dc's friendship if you can help it.

AmericanEskimoDoge · 06/06/2018 13:48

You don't have to be a parent to know that you don't go criticizing someone's child to his or her face (especially about something like clashing personalities) without some consequences. It's not only an insult to the child, but to the parent! I wouldn't want to be her friend, after that.

The same thing goes for any important relationship, really. If someone thought it was ok to say rude things about my husband or parents or sisters to my face totally unprovoked I wouldn't be interested in continuing the friendship. There probably wouldn't be an open confrontation, unless what they'd said was so egregious I snapped at them immediately, but I'd suddenly have previous plans whenever they suggested getting together.

VanGoghsDog · 06/06/2018 13:51

@catinasplashofsunshine

"those views must be coming from someone close - his dad? Presumably not your best friend?"

Well, obviously! But other than 'those views' which were just an example, he's quite an unpleasant child (12), selfish, loud-mouthed, rude. And, before people say "oh , that's what 12 yo are like", no, not all are, I've known plenty. And he's always been unpleasant, not just at this age.

She's not my 'best friend' (I am 50, I've moved on from this concept) and he's always been a bit of a DM reader, but her husband is far worse so I expect it's him, I don't really see him. I only see them about once a year, if that even, as I don't want to be around them. They are very posh (well, she comes from a more posh family, she's always moaned how his family is 'nouveau riche'), well-to-do with vast trust funds and houses with no mortgages etc. No-one would guess they held these views.

I am an atheist, they made me godmother, I consider them to be very unchristian.

beetfarmer · 06/06/2018 13:51

I'm not a fan of all my friends kids. Mostly just cos kids that aren't my own kind of annoy me Grin
I'm always nice to them though, because I really like my friends and obviously their children mean the world to them. One day those annoying kids will be adults and I'm sure I'll like them a lot more then. Hopefully they'll have nice memories of me being around when they were growing up and won't ever realise I didn't think the sun shone out of their ass.

beetfarmer · 06/06/2018 13:54

That was my roundabout way of saying op, btw, that your friend is a cow. Ditch.

catinasplashofsunshine · 06/06/2018 13:55

VanGosh no of course 12 year olds are not usually like that. However a 12 year old spouting that kind of stuff is parroting what someone close to him says. It's the child's environment not the child personally, and is a reflection on the sort of person the parent is.

I know people well over 50 with a best friend Hmm

Juells · 06/06/2018 13:57

No wonder your DC is cool with her - I knew, at the same age, that an aunt didn't like me, no matter how much my mother told me I was being ridiculous. She thought I was a country bumpkin, it became very obvious when I was older 😂

My friendship would end with her. She could have made an extra-special effort with your DD for the sake of the friendship, instead she criticised your daughter to you.

Octopeppa · 06/06/2018 13:58

A few decades ago, someone like your "friend" would have said things like "Has the cat got your tongue?!" to perfectly normal young people who were not as talkative as she deemed acceptable. Only her way of doing things would be the "right" one. She'd have perfected her fake smile which she'd use on everyone, but gossip behind their back 2 minutes later. Not really a very kind person then.