Friend admitted she doesn't like my DC. AIBU to stop seeing her?

[windygallows]

Good friend for many years has admitted she doesn't really like my eldest DC (age 12) and that she only invites my DC over because her DC (same age) and my DC are friends.

It was a totally weird conversation where she said to my face in a casual way that she found my DC cold and standoffish and made a few other complaints. My DC isn't 'cold' and is very polite but does find my adult friend a bit demanding so probably is less close with her, if that matters.

This isn't the first time my friend has complained about my DC, in very general non-specific ways - it's not anything she does, it's her general personality. We used to spend so much time together and I feel sad about this, but I really can't imagine doing things together with her given how she feels about my child. I don't think I can forget/gloss over this.

AIBU to stop seeing her? And has anyone had a similar experience?

What an odd thing to tell a friend.
Is she generally a blunt person? Maybe everything that comes into her head just falls out of her mouth and to her it’s no big deal.
If not, then I can’t imagine why she said it.
Either way I wouldn’t really want a friendship .

So the eldest DC that your friend dislikes is a friend of her DC? But she (theoretically) likes your younger DC? Have I got this right?

If the two DC are friends I think I'd want them to be able to continue being friends, as long as it was a healthy friendship. But I think I'd have a hard time being around the mother or allowing my child to be around the mother without me there, for fear of her treating my child unkindly. Is there a way to cool your friendship with the mum but still have the child over to your house without her?

When I was just a couple of years older (around 14), I had a friend whose dad seemed to think that I was the instigator in all of our 'mischief' and as a result disliked me. I wasn't, the two of us just fed off each other's idiotic ideas of stupid stuff to do (cutting class, smoking cigarettes, and the capital crime of 'hanging around with boys') and then encouraged each other. My parents (well, Mum really) simply 'arranged' things so that my friend always seemed to be at my house and I was very rarely at hers. It wasn't hard. We lived closer to our school and downtown, and we had a pool.

Could you do something like that?

We had family friends who had a child so awful that we used to all pretend we weren't in if we saw them pull up with this child in the car.

We are talking violence, constant stealing (when visiting a relative, child once stole a toy from off the bed of a dying child on a cancer ward, yes, really), what she couldn't steal she would break, screaming, shouting, tattling every five seconds because her mother would tell off the other party despite her kid being a liar or the perpetrator, she used to squat down to shit and piss on our carpet if the toilet was in use because she would not wait five seconds if she wanted the loo.

Before anyone assumes SEN or ASD, she had no medical issues of any kind.

Did any of us ever tell the parents we didn't like their child, no because you just don't do that.

I can't imagine why she felt it appropriate to say anything at all. Yes, I suppose we can dislike our friend's children but when people do so in a 'just because' way as opposed to objecting to unpleasant behaviour it seems precious and over-involved to care.

But to say it out loud, for no reason, it seems like weird bitchy power play. I'd also re-evaluate the whole friendship.

Really poor of her to say. FWIW I have a friend who I adore - warm, funny, lively, great company - but her DC is an unholy pain in the bum. I stick to evenings/child-free stuff with her after one too many incidents with her child. I'd never say anything. When she's spoken about DC being difficult I've listened, sympathised, not said "Yeah, actually, glad you mentioned it, she's a terror."

@SaltyPeanut oh hell no. That is definitely a case of when it's okay to tell the parent you hate their kid and the reasons why. How awful.

It isn't necessary to like your friend's children, but you do NOT slag them off like this to their parent. I could (maybe) understand it if she was extremely rude or stole things. But essentially, what your friend is saying is that your DD doesn't give her enough attention. Maybe your DD doesn't like her!

I'd find it very hard to stay friends with someone who had so little respect for me by slagging off my child like this.

I struggle to like one of my friend's children. My friend is lovely and a very good mother. Her children are all high achievers.

I've thought many times about whether I should say something but I would really not want to mess up the friendship and I'm not sure if there would be much point.

I'm not the only person that has felt this - another ex-friend of hers did mention that she thought the child was arrogant, haughty, uncaring and a cold fish. She said she had a bad attitude - but she has done nothing wrong, it's in her manner.

Thanks everyone for your comments.
For those that asked when friend said this to me, I was a bit flabbergasted but instead of glossing over it called her out and said something along the lines of 'Why did you tell me that? What purpose does it serve?' and her response was 'I thought you'd want to know' - I replied 'Not really' and left soon after. So we didn't have a fight but I've not seen her in person since. She IS one of those people who 'tells it like it is' and sadly works in the 'caring professions' too.

FWIW her DC isn't perfect - a bit spoiled and demanding but there's no point in mentioning it as friend is not exactly going to overhaul her approach to parenting based on one comment from me.

It'd be a fuck off from me.

Oh god, op, one of them. Good on you for calling her out, she would not be my friend after that. One of those rude say it how it is people. Can't stand them.

I wouldnt see the friend again, or much less.
One of my former friends (she moved) started remarking that my child wasnt kind and wouldnt play with their toddler. My child was playing with the toddlers older brother, and that was who they were friends with.
I wasnt there at the time, but noticed she was making pointed comments about it a few times.
And when I was there, they all played well, but since my child also had a toddler the same age to contend with at home, I just thought it odd.
(We went to lots of play activites with lots of people, and it does become obvious if your child is misbehaving, or not behaving as well as they should, and there were no problems.

All of my other friends had remarked how much they liked having my older child around, as they played so well with all ages and their children, so i started to think it was this one person who really didnt like my child much.

I’d avoid your friend. If other people made remarks about your child, you would have something to worry about, but if no one has, and you’ve looked at this dispassionately, avoid them.

One of my best friends used to have a problem liking one of her children - he was just like her ex, looked like him, talked down to her like him, while at the same time being very demanding and clingy and needy. I thought he was a horrible supercilious little shit, but would never have said so, always pretended he was a lovely child and that the only problem was he reminded her of her ex.

I would drop someone who told me this, for the simple fact that they felt is necessary to tell me.

Does your DC miss your friends DC? If not I would say just drop the friend.

Why on earth she thought you would want to know that is beyond me. Why she should be in a "caring" profession when she seems to engage her mouth before her brain and have no empathy is sad but does not surprise me. Many in the so called "caring" professions are obviously not suited to them.

Surely if your friend finds your dc "cold and standoffish" that has more to do with their interaction than your child's innate nature.

I love children but am not brilliant with them, so most children are cold and standoffish with me. I wish it were otherwise but I don't define the child by that.

What an extraordinarily rude thing to say ! We don’t have to like all our friends’ children but, unless the child is actively doing something wrong that an external intervention could actually help, harsh commentary about their personality is unnecessary and hurtful. That would seriously demote a friendship for me.

I would NOT be friends with anyone who said that about my child. It makes me sad even thinking about it.

Oh dear. Don't try to be reasonable about this, or to rationalise it. Just cool the friendship entirely for a while. She doesn't are about hurting your feelings at all.

There was no reason for her to tell you this.

Wouldn't that be the kind of thing that she should keep to herself?!

Clearly if a friend loves their own DC, as they should, you should not criticise said child?!

I would definitely either lose friend OR explain that it is not acceptable for her to talk about your DC like that and that your child is not cold but quiet and thoughtful (or insert other positive description!).

I really dislike my best friends daughter but I would never tell her

Your child will always have known that they were disliked by your friend and would have withdrawn from her. They probably were a bit cold and standoffish - who wouldn't be, when faced with an adult who disliked them?

I think you've got this OP, it's not that disliking your DC is weird, humans don't have to like every other human and a 12 year old has a properly established personality so some people will like her and some won't, no big deal, that's life etc. BUT for your friend to tell you is really weird and unnecessary and defo cruel. I would distance myself personally.

My friends don't have to like my DC but they do have to have enough respect for me not to say deliberately hurtful things to me about them (or anything else actually). I couldn't be friends with someone I felt didn't respect me so it would be the end of the friendship for me, sorry OP.

I think it was a bit odd of her to tell you!

I don't like my friend's dd because she is a bit of a bully but I don't say!