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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend admitted she doesn't like my DC. AIBU to stop seeing her?

172 replies

windygallows · 06/06/2018 12:17

Good friend for many years has admitted she doesn't really like my eldest DC (age 12) and that she only invites my DC over because her DC (same age) and my DC are friends.

It was a totally weird conversation where she said to my face in a casual way that she found my DC cold and standoffish and made a few other complaints. My DC isn't 'cold' and is very polite but does find my adult friend a bit demanding so probably is less close with her, if that matters.

This isn't the first time my friend has complained about my DC, in very general non-specific ways - it's not anything she does, it's her general personality. We used to spend so much time together and I feel sad about this, but I really can't imagine doing things together with her given how she feels about my child. I don't think I can forget/gloss over this.

AIBU to stop seeing her? And has anyone had a similar experience?

OP posts:
KatherinaMinola · 06/06/2018 12:51

She can't help not liking your DC but it was rude and spiteful of her to say so.

Tinkobell · 06/06/2018 12:51

I couldn't wholeheartedly stay friends with someone who said that to me. I find that comment immature actually. An adult should distance themselves if they don't like a child....not spit it out like that? Who actually benefits from that remark, other than her having got it off her chest?
Anyone knows that a comment like that will stab a mother in the heart. To say it twice takes the biscuit 🍪
There's a saying ....surround yourself with the people that make you feel good! She won't, have a purge!

Aeroflotgirl · 06/06/2018 12:52

I have to support my dc, and people who are rude about them unessesarily, are given the cold treatment. If their behaviour warranted it, than I would agree, but he sounds like a lot of 12 year olds, quiet and maybe shy of her. I don't blame him, he probably has picked up a negative vibe from her.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 06/06/2018 12:52

Why would you want her in the same company if she can't stand your child? Loyalty to your DC should come first.

alreadytaken · 06/06/2018 12:52

a friend one suggested that my child's behaviour suggested a problem. I pointed out an example of when her own child had behaved in a similar way (actually much worse IMO) and suggested that it was a good thing we didnt all over-react to normal childish behaviour.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/06/2018 12:53

She sounds like she's from the "I am not rude, but say it how it is" camp,I cannot stand that, yes you are rude. He is a child, and you are a grown adult.

Tara12 · 06/06/2018 12:53

Not sure why people don't understand how upsetting it is to have your child criticised by your friend...that's horrid for you. I would consider curtailing the friendship tbh. A friend of mine was recently told her son was 'weird', she was heartbroken, he has ASD. I think people should think before they speak as words can hurt for a long, long time.

Dahlietta · 06/06/2018 12:54

I've been a teacher for about 15 years and I can honestly count on the fingers of one hand the children that I have really found it difficult to like. I think it's part of my job to try to like other people's children and it's really not that difficult to do. If somebody doesn't like my child, I presume that they haven't tried that hard to, which perhaps says something about how they feel about me. Having said that they are of course entitled not to try to, or indeed my child might be one of those 'fingers of one hand' children. What I wouldn't be able to cope with though is them telling me that they didn't like my child and not even the way he was behaving, but his actual basic personality, and expect me just to accept that and carry on as normal.

Ohmydayslove · 06/06/2018 12:56

Oh fuck that op. I have friends whose kids I don’t warm to and ajways found it’s easier to meet as adult friends anyway.

I wouldn’t dream of saying things like that go any friends face as it’s spiteful unnecessary and rude.

I would have walked out on her there and then and told her to stuff her friendship up her arse.

You don’t want negative idiots like that in your life or your dds life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/06/2018 12:57

I don’t understand why she found it necessary to tell you. I don’t think I could remain as good friends with her if at all. I’m someone, who likes to get on with everyone so I really struggle with disliking people just because. We are all different at the end of the day.

What did you say to her?

FindoGask · 06/06/2018 12:57

I can't imagine having this conversation! I couldn't stay friends with someone if they said they didn't like one of my children. It would be as if they said they didn't like me. But worse.

Blizzardagain · 06/06/2018 13:01

She doesn't have to like your kids but she was stupid to tell you, especially if she is a mother herself. How on earth did she think that would go Confused

Branleuse · 06/06/2018 13:05

i would and have distanced myself from people because it was clear they didn't like one or more of my children.
I don't care if they have reason to or not. I just honestly don't see the point of maintaining a friendship with someone who didn't feel warmth towards my family.
I'm not that desperate for friends.

VanGoghsDog · 06/06/2018 13:06

I don't like my friend's eldest DS, and he's my godson - but I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, tell her, hint at it, or even show it in any way at all. I am all kindness and smiling around him (even when he's telling me that immigrants all get state handouts and free iphones and should be sent back to where they came from...).

senioritabonita · 06/06/2018 13:07

I wouldn't spend 5 minutes in the company of someone who thought it was acceptable to casually 'dislike' my child and tell me so. It's weird - how is her opinion or judgement helping anyone? It's unkind and your DC is bound to know she doesn't like her.

Bluntness100 · 06/06/2018 13:07

I'm surprised by those who say they would be ok with this.

I wouldn't. If you tell me as an adult you don't like my 12 year old child and say the things she said about yours, you can fuck off out both of our lives.

She doesn't have to like your daughter, but you don't have to be friends with someone who doesn't. Telling you, repeatedly is the height of bitchiness.

She'd have told me once, I'd have accepted her view, then ended the friendship immediately and with no further discussion.

Myotherusernameisbest · 06/06/2018 13:08

I'd be cooling this friendship off yes. You just do not go around saying things like that. It's very strange.

I could not stay friendly with someone who just openly critisizes my dc personality I don't think..

ragingmentalist · 06/06/2018 13:08

I don't like any of my friends kids. So what.

Hell, most of them don't like them either.

Stop being a drama queen.

catinasplashofsunshine · 06/06/2018 13:10

As others say, you never tell anyone you don't like their kids.

It's not thinking it that's the issue, but there is no reason to say it except to be cruel or due to breath taking lack of social awareness.

If the children's behaviour was causing problems it would be fine to say "I'd rather you didn't bring the kids to mine because my house isn't childproof and things get broken" or "our children aren't really into the same things so let's meet up when we're child free" or "we have quite different rules, so it's a bit tricky getting the kids together, let's meet without them" or "could you please make sure little Jonny doesn't go into little Freddie's bedroom next time you come over, as Freddie got really upset when Jonny urinated on his new Spiderman duvet set and kicked his Lego models to bits, and it really isn't fair on him to have his things spoiled, if you don't want to keep him with us in the garden we'll have to stop meeting with the kids at home" or 101 other things. It's even totally ok to say you don't like/ aren't interested in children generally...

But "I don't like your child specifically, because of her personality" Hmm only an idiot or someone out to hurt says that to a parent.

I'd ditch a friend for specifically saying that they disliked my child's personality, because the fact that they chose to say that to me would make me see that friend in a totally different way, and I'd lose all affection for them. I wouldn't mind at all if a friend just preferred meeting without the kids, in fact once kids are older than 5 or 6 it's better anyway, as children shouldn't have to be friends just because their parents are especially in sibling groups, and it's easier to chat without kids interupting.

catinasplashofsunshine · 06/06/2018 13:12

VanGosh if he's still a child those views must be coming from someone close - his dad? Presumably not your best friend? Or is he an adult now?

Ellendegeneres · 06/06/2018 13:14

Yeah but there’s a difference between not liking someone’s kids and outright saying it twice.

I have a really crap poker face, if I didn’t like my friends dc they’d know it pretty fast. I wouldn’t continue the friendship personally, what’s the point🤷🏻‍♀️

sparklepops123 · 06/06/2018 13:15

I wouldn't carry on the friendship, I'd feel like I wasn't standing up for my child

Bekabeech · 06/06/2018 13:15

The oddest thing about your post is that it implies your DC actually get on. Are they actually friends or just friendly?

But yes I'd cool (to the point of freezing) if anyone said that about one of mine - they may not be angels, may be a bit much for some, but aren't inherently unlikable. And if someone said one of them was "cold" I'd be a bit freaked as to what they expected from them. (Rude would be okay, and I'd have a word to be basically polite, but I wouldn't ask them to be "warmer" to anyone.)

Knittedfairies · 06/06/2018 13:15

That must have been hard to hear - and wierd. I’d dial back the friendship a bit; if she has any sense she should realise that her remarks have had a consequence.

mostdays · 06/06/2018 13:17

No one has to like my children, but neither do they need to tell me of that dislike or show it. Someone who does that is not a nice person and I wouldn't be their friend.