He left

[WhatIsHappiness]

I've NC but I posted before about DH being confused, wanted a break, etc. This has been going on for 6 months, during my pregnancy, and last night he left us.
He said he needs space to think about what he wants but we are not getting divorced.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him back? He made it clear that he doesn't want to separate so what is the bloody point of having a break? I still can't understand how someone could simply leave his DC (newborn and one in junior school) just like that!

How are you feeling now OP? Lots of support and advice here for you.

@AmazinglyGrace I've looked into legal separation and it's exactly what he needs:
"you want time and space to work out if you want to end the marriage"

@Iluvthe80s I'm still very upset, angry, annoyed and stressed, but I've started getting things together. The advices here have been amazing, I'm very grateful. I can't sleep so I might as well look into things and start to sort it out in between feeds.
Thanks for checking on me!

I’ve not RTFT, but when you seek legal advice you might want to examine your will if you want the dc to inherit directly from you instead of him......

instead of it potentially going* to him if anything happened to you

Sounds like you're making great strides.

He isn't a great dad BTW, because great dads don't abandon their children. And you might want to be firm about ensuring that calls between EX and your older child happen at a time which is beneficial for your son- the contact rights belong to the child, whereas the parent has responsibilities.

I think you're wise to tell people what's happened- you will need the support from other people,and your Ex is trying to control the story.

I have been thinking about you Whatishappiness. I really hope you have supportive, loving people to turn to IRL but we are always here for you. I am so glad you knew about MN so you weren't lead down a path where you were encouraged to blame yourself and feel hopeless and confused. In other words fed the typical script.

It is so self-centred when adulterers of any gender try and have it all and somehow don't expect their spouse to have a mind of their own. They have a story line and the only character with autonomy is themselves. They extremely unrealistically imagine time stands still for their spouse and the cosy, welcoming family home will remain unchanged ready to welcome them back should they screw up their exciting new life.

When the spouse bolts the door and shouts "See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!!' through the letterbox their new life immediately starts to lose it's lustre. When they look back they realise their spouse just burnt the bridge back to Totally Trusting Land where everyone thinks you"re a Great Person with a Moral Compass. All the propaganda has been thrown on the pyre.

Instead they are waving banners that say "Adulterers Are Creeps" and "Gloria Gaynor's Fan Club".

Hi OP just wanted to add my support to all the excellent advice you've been given. Almost identical situation to mine when it happened, except he ended up leaving when I was four weeks off giving birth and the timescale of his 'confusion' was shorter. Work colleague I'd been suspicious of became new girlfriend a couple of months later but of course nothing happened before then and they just 'fell into it'

Anyway, I'm 2.5 years down the line from it now and you will be ok. There will be some tough times, emotionally you can probably expect to be up and down for a while but honestly, if he's capable of doing this to you then you are so much better off without him. I look at my ex now and feel nothing, he's a completely different person to me and I absolutely categorically do not want him back!

Definitely take stock of any benefits and tax credits you're entitled to. Child maintenance won't be factored into the calculations. Make sure you get child maintenance nailed down. If you can manage a private arrangement without going down the CSA route that's better because then you don't get charged for using their service. But make sure you get agreement in writing so he can't sneak out of it. Lawyer up at the very least to work out how best to make any maintenance agreement binding.

I'd advise caution on talking to FIL. My ex fil became horrific after my husband left, awful abusive texts, turning up at my house when he thought I'd be alone to threaten me (he lived three hours away!) He got quite the shock when he tuned up and my dad was there

Expressing milk-ridiculous. He can't demand that. Many women can't express. Nobody would expect a breastfed baby to be left without mum for a whole day. I found once my baby started on solid food that he could be left for longer. First overnight with his dad would have been when he was around 11 months old-I could express so sent him with a load of milk in a cool bag but in the end my son preferred to wait until he was back with me with no distress!

Citizens advice can also be very helpful in signposting solicitors, benefits and finances help etc. They can't give legal advice but can help you find people who can. May be worth looking into mediation as if divorce gets to court (and it doesn't necessarily have to, mine didn't) then they look favourably on people who have done this. You need to work out a consistent routine for his time with children, not just as he pleases. YOU don't get to drift in and out of childcare as convenient so he needs to take responsibility as well.

When this happened to me I was devastated, angry, etc. However I was determined that my DCs would be ok and never feel conflicted loyalties or anything like that. I always said that I wanted to get to a position where both me and my ex could be at a school play and my DC wouldn't be worried about us being in the same room. It's hard, so so hard at times but if you can manage it it really does pay off. My children are happy, enjoy their time with both parents and secure. I obviously wasn't thrilled at them getting on with the OW because that hurts. But realistically it's far better that they're happy with her than miserable every other weekend! And nobody will ever EVER replace you as their mum. Remember that!

Good luck OP. He's done a shitty shitty thing and at the moment you'll be all over the place. But I promise you'll be ok

Op, I know it hurts right now, but you are better off without him. Imagine walking out on a newborn? He is a pathetic, selfish, arrogant little man. You'll be fine, he is the one who has fucked up.

@ohfourfoxache good point about will, I haven't thought about that. Thank you!

@Inertia as I've haven't been in this situation before, I didn't know The contact right belonged to the DC.

Hmmmm @WhatIsHappiness there you have it... He left to having a shag, will come crawling back when the novelty wears off and then use the excuse "but we were on a break".

You are better off without him and seeing a solicitor and get your ducks in a row is a good start. The mere fact that he left the family home I think means he will not be able to have access to it again without you having to sell it.

You need to be honest with your children, he is trying to control the situation and make himself look like the good guy which he is most definately not.

@Movablefeast Thank you for your support. I don't have much support IRL but my brother came round last night and I'm meeting his cousin's wife today. It's good to let it out and talk about it so I can clear my thoughts and organise them.

@Beaverhausen Apparently he didn't leave us. He texted me saying "I didn't leave you and the kids. I never left you like the way you put it. I haven't left the marriage. We are taking a break".
It seems like he has started changing his mind already! Stupid p**ck!!

@MollyBloomYes Not another person that has been through the same. I'm sorry to hear!
I've decided not to speak to FIL or SIL, she said she would come round this week but she hasn't arranged it yet.
Good advice about CAB, I forgot about them.

@tillytown I have so many lovely words that I call him in my head. If only he could hear them...

Just wanted to say thank you very much for everyone that took the time to reply to the thread, share their experiences and give advice. I honestly don't know what I would have done without MN. It's been a great support so far. Thank you!

How can "we" be taking a break when he decided unilaterally?

Sounds like an Adultery Vacation to me.

Huge non MN hugs. I've been where you are, but I asked my exH to leave temporarily.

My DC were 13 months and 4.

You sound awesome, strong and calm, (although you don't feel it).

Be simply truthful to DC, "daddy is staying at cousin" short and truthful.

See yourself as a single parent (even if temporarily), you are the boss now in your home. Friday after school, do something nice, even just a walk in the park.

My advice is, if you know anyone at school who is divorced, discreetly ask which solicitors they used - there are some brilliant and some awful solicitors out there.

Call Jobcentre+, make an application for benefits - and set payment up into your personal account. Call tax credits and make a single person application. Once you have both these in place you'll be able to apply for council tax benefit, free school meals and pupil premium.

When you see the solicitors don't take legal aid - the costs are accrued against your property.

Get copies of your husband p60/national insurance number. Make sure you have access to your bank accounts, passports, which solicitors hold your deeds, and your marriage certificate.

Stay strong, stay calm, hold your DC tight. And be kind to yourself. Things will get worse before they get better.

I'm 7 years post split, my life is good. My DC are happy, smart, funny and kind in spite of everything.

"I didn't leave you and the kids. I never left you like the way you put it. I haven't left the marriage. We are taking a break".
You didn't agree to this, so it is unreasonable behaviour - you for instance can't just "take a break" from being a Mother (much as we would all love to sometimes). And sorry but he isn't control any more - and is panicing. He expected you to do the "pick me" dance - well done for not doing so!

YANBU

That would be the end for me.
I don't take kindly to that kind of nonsense.

He can have all the space he wants when he gets the divorce papers.

Stbxh left last June for OW - of course they were "just friends" .... they now live together.

Apparently he stopped loving me 6 years ago as l was mean to him.... which apparently explains why he was so horrible to me in the subsequent years.

I have been accused of "bleeding him dry" several times as l wouldn't agree to his Separation Agreement that was heavily weighted in his favour.

I suffer with anxiety and the general consensus is that he thought I'd crumble and give him what he wanted. He really thinks l am stupid and wouldn't take legal advice as he told me l don't need it.

As mentioned above get your finances in order. Find all p60,pensions, savings etc.

Mine was shocked that l insisted EOW and half of school holidays are now his to sort out.

Keep all conversations via messenger, email etc. Mine always liked to try and gaslight and deny saying stuff or l have "misunderstood".... can't misunderstand when it's written down

Oh he left to go and get his danglies off @WhatIsHappiness, you will feel so much better once you have started making those steps. It will be like getting the power back from it all. Of course there will be a period of mourning but at the end of the day he can not have his cake and eat it.

That wankstain has had you in limbo since Christmas I mean the hell you must have been going through.

Did you challenge him on the 'I didn't leave you and the kids' nonsense?

I just can't believe how these men can rewrite history so easily to suit their own purposes! Something very similar happened to a close friend of mine. Apparently he had been unhappy for years and of course it was all Dfriend's fault, despite not being aware that anything was amiss since he didn't say a word. And of course there was another woman, incidentally also a colleague. Naturally he was the victim in his own head throughout.

What really stuck out to me was the accusations of being controlling that your stbxh also employ, OP. My friend hasn't a controlling bone in her body, yet he accused her of this. After a time it dawned on me that HIM not being able to control HER in his mind had translated to her being controlling. Sounds familiar?