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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He left

438 replies

WhatIsHappiness · 06/06/2018 09:27

I've NC but I posted before about DH being confused, wanted a break, etc. This has been going on for 6 months, during my pregnancy, and last night he left us.
He said he needs space to think about what he wants but we are not getting divorced.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him back? He made it clear that he doesn't want to separate so what is the bloody point of having a break? I still can't understand how someone could simply leave his DC (newborn and one in junior school) just like that!

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatIsHappiness · 07/06/2018 08:16

I replied:

"You wanted a break, I said if you need a break, we are separated. You left us, I’m applying for a legal separation.
I asked you:
Do you agree with “you want time and space to work out if you want to end the marriage”
You said yes.
That’s exactly what legal separations are for!
You want a break, you are having it. I’m applying for a legal separation so you can have time and space to think, as you want to."

Hopefully it's clear to him that:
Yes, he left us!
Yes, it was his choice to leave the family home and have a break.
Yes, we are now separated - that's now my choice!

OP posts:
LakieLady · 07/06/2018 08:20

*He texted me saying "I didn't leave you and the kids. I never left you like the way you put it. I haven't left the marriage. We are taking a break".
It seems like he has started changing his mind already! Stupid p*ck!!

Arrogant fucker! I'd suggest something along the lines of:

"We ceased to be a we the day you decided to move out and leave me and the children. I consider this to be a separation and that I am now a single parent.

Please let me have your proposals for contact with the children and maintenance. My priority is the welfare of the children. They need to have a consistent routine established as soon as possible, and to have their needs met financially."

NoIsACompleteAnswerSometimes · 07/06/2018 08:28

Another thing to think about- if you have death in service benefits through your work, make sure you take his name if he's named as a beneficiary. Same for any pensions.

NoIsACompleteAnswerSometimes · 07/06/2018 08:29

Name "off" not if!

LakieLady · 07/06/2018 08:30

Slaps self for not RTFT!

Your reply is perfect, OP. You are taking control of the situation and he is no longer in the driving seat.

You're being amazingly strong and handling this really well. Have this to toast your new life. Wine

Many years ago, I had a boyfriend who was single because he'd "wanted a break" from his marriage. While he was having his "break", she found someone she liked better!

justilou1 · 07/06/2018 08:32

I am so proud of you! How dare he claim that he didn’t leave you! What a creep!!!

LakieLady · 07/06/2018 08:33

Good call, No, mine is 3 times annual salary. They remind us every year to notify HR if we want to change the beneficiary.

When I split up with my ex, I named a wealthy friend as my beneficiary and she was going to give it to the Dogs Trust if I died!

Ary2017 · 07/06/2018 09:03

Do not express for him! Your baby is breast fed, you're doing a great job with that, that's what the baby is used to, no need to disturb the routine and upset the baby for DH's sake! Baby comes first and it's very selfish of him to request you to do that.

saying he doesn't want any one else to know is another way of controlling you- it stops you talking about it to others. Don't listen to this! You talk to whoever you want to about it, it's important for you to talk to make sense of it all. He wants you to sit in silence waiting on him to make his mind up. Fuck that, take the reins

Juells · 07/06/2018 09:08

"We were on a break" is a joke from Friends. Who'd believe that a grown man would use such nonsense when he has 2 children. Total and utter prick.

@Movablefeast
They have a story line and the only character with autonomy is themselves. They extremely unrealistically imagine time stands still for their spouse and the cosy, welcoming family home will remain unchanged ready to welcome them back should they screw up their exciting new life.

That's the most succinct description of the mindset that I've seen. When it finally dawned on my ex that I could do what I wanted, could sell the house and move (which I did) he was very upset. His turned up at a friend's house asking him to be an intermediary, to get me to talk to him. His line was "I didn't think it through". 😂

Allergictoironing · 07/06/2018 09:16

In times like this, my DSis likes to remind people of this song by The Beautiful South as she found it a great help

Iluvthe80s · 07/06/2018 09:17

Sad to see so many others who have been/are in your position OP but great that you can benefit from their experience.fwiw while I've not been in your position, when I've been in stressful situations I have learned to focus my energy on what I can influence. Anything else is a waste and will cause frustration. And you are doing that
Info gathering and maintaining a dignified stance with your husband is great. What a strong woman you are. x

Iluvthe80s · 07/06/2018 09:24

When I say you are doing that I mean you are channelling your energy on the right things x

Original poster
WhatIsHappiness · 07/06/2018 09:27

@Iluvthe80s I got it. it's very sad that so many people have gone through it, but at least I can get support from them and everyone else that has a clear mind as mine is very cloudy at the moment!

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Original poster
WhatIsHappiness · 07/06/2018 09:27

@Allergictoironing thank you for sharing, I will listen to it!

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Original poster
WhatIsHappiness · 07/06/2018 09:28

@Juells oh, is it from friends? He loves friends, funny enough, so maybe that's where he got his idea from. Also, his favourite movie is......
Hall pass! What a joke!!

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Original poster
WhatIsHappiness · 07/06/2018 09:30

@Ary2017 I'm not letting him control this situation anymore. It started in my most fragile state, when I was pregnant, and carried on while I gave birth to our child. I'm now in control of my future and my children's future! I will do whatever is best for them!

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Original poster
WhatIsHappiness · 07/06/2018 09:32

@LakieLady as we all know, there is only one reason why someone wants a break, to check whether the grass is greener.
He actually said to me "before I thought I couldn't get anyone, but now I know I can get someone else, I'm getting lots of attention from other women!"
It basically says it all!

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Original poster
WhatIsHappiness · 07/06/2018 09:33

@justilou1 thank you! I still don't understand what he thinks is happening!

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Original poster
WhatIsHappiness · 07/06/2018 09:34

@NoIsACompleteAnswerSometimes I didn't think about that, thanks for the advice! I will check it ASAP!

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PieAndPumpkins · 07/06/2018 09:40

Yeah he's definitely checking if the grass is greener - but who would want him back after putting you through that? I'm not sure I could feel enough respect for him ever again. How arrogant he thinks you'll just wait around for his evaluation.

aintnothinbutagstring · 07/06/2018 09:41

Your DH sounds like a fucking child. What sort of man leaves his wife on maternity leave, breastfeeding a tiny baby? So selfish. He needs a slap in the face, life is not all about him. Sorry I don't normally get so angry on here! I'd tell everyone that wants to hear that he's gone and there has been another woman involved, at least emotionally, for some time. Don't do him any favours by covering his back and allowing him to present his best self.

Juells · 07/06/2018 09:41

I never would have had enough milk to express enough for a full day, my milk supply used to be very low in the morning until I'd been up for hours having food and drink. Then my baby would latch on and empty me out, she guzzled non-stop, my nipples were raw 😂 Do men think that it's as predictable as a cow's supply? Especially when you're under stress.

RaspberryBeret34 · 07/06/2018 09:52

He actually said to me "before I thought I couldn't get anyone, but now I know I can get someone else, I'm getting lots of attention from other women!"

The more you say about him the more I think this is a massive lucky escape for you!

I'm another who has been through it, long affair starting before I was pregnant (like you, no idea why he agreed to try for a baby!). The rewriting history, the mean/cold behaviour towards me, accusations, the claims of being "so unhappy for so long..." (mysteriously never previously expressed), the expectation I'd sit around and wait for him. It's baffling the number of similarities between these cases, it's like they're meeting up to exchange notes!!

With the baby, definitely don't stress yourself out expressing just because he demands it. Other people sometimes think expressing is just a think you can choose to do or not. I could only ever get 30 ml at a time despite doing it regularly and DS being ebf. Just do what's best for you now.

Your kids will be fine, the eldest will adjust and the baby won't know any different. My DS was 10 months when I separated from exH and now 6 and doing brilliantly, as am i. Things will get so much better, you're doing amazingly well.

aintnothinbutagstring · 07/06/2018 10:00

Don't express for him, its just more stress for you, its stressful expressing in normal circumstances. I bf DS successfully for 3yrs, but was shit at expressing more than 2-3 oz (and that was when my boobs decided to play ball!).

expatinscotland · 07/06/2018 10:12

"I didn't leave you and the kids. I never left you like the way you put it. I haven't left the marriage. We are taking a break".

What a tool. 'YOU LEFT! Without my agreement. You don't take a break from marriage vows and family, you either honour them or you abandon them. What if we both 'took a break' from our kids? See the difference?'

I wouldn't tell him what your plans are. Just stop that. Don't tell him you're going for separation or anything.

See a solicitor. My guess is most will advise you to just divorce him.

He will soon wheel out OW. 'We were just friends'. Oldest line in the book.

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