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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My relationship with SIL

165 replies

Namechanger805311 · 05/06/2018 23:26

You will see that I have namechanged for this.

I wanted to consult you all about a family argument to see if AIBU - because I genuinely want to know if AIBU and I'd appreciate your feedback - the kindlier the better.

My SIL of 22 years has recently been the subject of a family storm. I am mixed race and my DC are as well. My DD does not look mixed race, a quirk of genetics I guess as her Dad is white.

DD recently started dating someone black. At a family barbecue, SIL (white) commented. "Oh are you dating a black man? Can we see a picture of the black man? You know we don't want a black man in our pure white family"

You could construe this as irony, of course, except SIL doesn't know the meaning of the word. On three separate and subsequent occasions, SIL repeated her joke, always culminating in "we don't want a black man in our pure white family." I overheard at least one of these jokes and passed it over as SIL being dim again.

DD (18) came into my study in some degree of distress complaining that her aunt was being racist and she didn't know her aunt thought that way. She particularly objected to the phrase pure white family and didn't like the term.

It feels like a veil has been lifted for me and lots of little things over the years all now add up. The times that she has ignored DS who looks brown and openly favoured DD who looks white - examples being that DD got to stay with her for the weekend when DS got to stay with her for tea. Little things, small things. The time I had to go and eat alone in her living room because there wasn't room for everyone in her dining room.

I asked SIL what was going on with this pure white family stuff. There was a lot of hoo hah. Then SIL started liking Britain First stuff on FB and I objected again. Quite calmly both times.

Our relationship is completely destroyed now and it was actually I thought quite a good relationship. We always supported her through bankruptcy and hard times and divorce and what have you.

I absolutely cannot get over this pure white family thing. It's there imprinted on my mind. This is what she said and she absolutely wasnt being ironic.

Should I just get over this? I really am trying. I havent said a thing about my feelings to the DC, I don't want to poison their relationship with their aunt. AIBU and if AIBU what can I do to get over this?

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 05/06/2018 23:29

She’s a nasty minded racist. Why would you want your DC to have anything to do with her?

Ohmydayslove · 05/06/2018 23:32

She sounds dim and boring as well as a twat.

I couldn’t be doing with this op. I wouldnt Bother with her anymore. Why would you.

Still the Britain first thing and her ‘pure shite bullshit’ sounds like a clique. Almost too much really. Hmm

Original poster
Namechanger805311 · 05/06/2018 23:33

Because, I guess we love her. Or in my case at least loved her. We didnt know she thought that way

OP posts:
Ohmydayslove · 05/06/2018 23:38

You can still love her but not particularly like her views. Have you told her face to face how really angry and upset you are? Forget the calm

PandaPieForTea · 05/06/2018 23:40

There is not really the option to ‘get over it’. She has poisoned her relationship with your DD and DS. She’s racist and your family is mixed race, so there isn’t any way of brushing it under the carpet, even if you wanted to.

The problem is entirely her and not you.

PandaPieForTea · 05/06/2018 23:41

I’m not sure there’s much point loving someone who feels like that about you and your family.

bonnyshide · 05/06/2018 23:43

You need to openly and honestly tell her how much she's hurting and insulting you and your DC. She needs to know how sad she is making you and that it will break up the wider family, if she continues she will lose you.

Personally I'd leave anger at the door, and definitely show her your hurt rather than attack her in anger.

If, she still continues then walk away from her and keep her toxic views away from your DC.

Has she recently started dating someone with these views or made a new friend that's influencing her?

itswinetime · 05/06/2018 23:43

No you absolutely shouldn't get over this to me she is basically saying you and your son aren't really part of her family because you don't look 'pure white'. If I have understood that right.

She's a nasty small minded person. I would go completely no contact and keep your children away. Hopefully you DH will be just as angry. If she starts anything I would say that you want a family that is '100% free or racist arseholes'.

I do appreciate it is harder than that as this is someone who you until recently thought very differently about so take time but don't let yourself be talked or cajoled into thinking what she's doing or saying is ok! It's not ok!

MissVanjie · 05/06/2018 23:45

What ohmydays said

KarmaStar · 05/06/2018 23:46

Flowersfor you and your dd op.
Your sil is being really spiteful,I'm not surprised your dd was upset.
Is she your sil as in sister to your dh?if so is he aware?how have the rest of the family reacted?are they supportive of you?
I guess you have to decide if she is worth the effort or you both go nc with her until she grows up.
So sorry you are facing this attitude in your own family where you should feel most loved.

Jaxhog · 05/06/2018 23:46

Where's your DH in all this?

Jonbb · 05/06/2018 23:48

My brother made a couple of remarks about my son's mixed race heritage and I'm afraid I stopped calling him and avoided him thereafter. Sometimes you just have to stand up and say your remarks are racist and deeply offensive to my family, stop making them or piss off. I rarely see him now, a couple of years ago was the last time, but it's his loss. Why would you want your children to have a relationship with a racist bigot, just out of interest?

HollowTalk · 05/06/2018 23:50

Why on earth would you love someone who excludes you? I can understand you'd love your child no matter what, but a sister in law? Really?

Original poster
Namechanger805311 · 05/06/2018 23:51

That's a good question, where is DH?

DH maintains that SIL is just dim and doesn't know what she is saying and should be forgiven for saying this sort of stuff. Like it is some kind of lapse like getting drunk or something when you shouldn't

But for me it was kind of revelatory - it feels like for years this is what SIL really thought - this is where she is

SIL is genuinely dim btw but she was a teacher - she had a proper profession. Who knew she actually felt like this?

DH's perspective is that she doesn't feel like this and that her mouth overtook her. Hence the AIBU.

OP posts:
YummySushi · 05/06/2018 23:52

That’s spiteful and disturbing ... to say that to an 18 year old who obviously comes from a mixed background isn’t loving at all...

Hugs to u and ur Dd. People like this make me hate society.

HollowTalk · 05/06/2018 23:52

I would freeze her out until she saw the error of her ways.

fuzzywuzzy · 05/06/2018 23:55

Why on earth have you put up with her treating your children differently and making you eat alone in the living room wtf Confused!

I just asked DP & he said he wouldn’t have tolerated any of that from his family (we’re also a mixed race family).

What has your DH been doing whilst all this going on?

fuzzywuzzy · 05/06/2018 23:56

Cross posts. Bloody hell she was a teacher! Thank god she doesn’t teach anymore her poor students!

And no you don’t ignore or divorce this it only enables her.

I’d tell her to go fuck her pure white self.

fuzzywuzzy · 05/06/2018 23:57

Not divorce typed forgive!

Cobblersandhogwash · 05/06/2018 23:58

Just because she's dim doesn't excuse her foul opinions at all.

This kind of thing would mean I could never tolerate being around her again and my dcs would never encounter her.

I would get her one of those DNA tests though that illustrate your genetic heritage. Pure white - what a lot of bullshit.

If she's dim then she needs to be brainwashed not to espouse hatred.

Sack her. Don't put up with this shit for the sake of family relations, love or diplomacy.

SoleBizzz · 05/06/2018 23:58

Vile bitch. Cut her out and your TDH is being just as ignorant. Hurting your feelings like that and your TDH minimising. It is what it is, you l ow what it is. You are right. Of course you are. Not easy but your racist SIL doesn't deserve to know you anymore. x

SoleBizzz · 05/06/2018 23:59

DH not TDH

YummySushi · 05/06/2018 23:59

Op... I have a similar relationship with my sil where I feel let down by her and now trying to work out patterns that I misjudged in her behaviour previously ..

I’m not sure that’s the right way to understand things though. U sound like ur hurt because u loved her, same with me and mine . And yes mine also looks down at me and my heritage....

I can’t say what ur sil meant or didn’t mean but I can talk about mine ... mine, has tendency to be nice and kind and tendency to have inferiority/superiority issues... at times when she felt crap about her life, she wanted to put me down to lift herself up and feel superior.. she would do that with anything that might get her some fans in society ..

So basically , ur sil might feel inferior to u because of her life.. not to u but to ur family , to her brother .. and she is trying to convince herself that ur no better than her but she doesn’t have anything to convince herself except for race ... .

Unfortunate for her ... and says a lot about how good u and ur life and family is ...

I would say, stay away from her until she finds a way to deal with insecurity in a better style ... she certainly doesn’t deserve ur trust

Longtime · 06/06/2018 00:00

I am shocked that she would speak to you like this! And even more shocked that your dh thinks that she doesn't really feel this and that her mouth overtook her. Why say it then?

I do sympathise. My sil stopped talking to me 15 months ago, not long after my df died. I never found out why (I don't even remember talking to her at that time). I pinpointed it to a window of around 11 days (because of our facebook messages where she went from signing off with a kiss to one word replies) because, despite me asking, she didn't reply with a reason. It actually took me some weeks before I actually realised! Dh then stopped talking to her as he was angry she upset me at a time when I was already upset without any explanation. I apologised on messenger for anything I may have done but still nothing.

Sorry, I'm hijacking here. I have not confronted my sil and think I should have at the time. I do feel it's too late now, especially as she ignored my messages (though hasn't unfriended me). I would therefore strongly advise that you speak to her to get to the bottom of it. I would show disappointment rather than anger - give her the opportunity to explain herself and see where that leads.

dusking · 06/06/2018 00:00

Absolutely appalling, I would be fuming if I was you OP! Your poor DDFlowers Your DD doesn’t need a relationship with someone who essentially looks down on a part of her, no matter how white passing she is.

I grew up in a very white neighbourhood as the only Asian kid and it caused a lot of internalised self-hate for me as a lot of people around me were of this nonsense mentality. It took me years to undo the damage they caused and there are still parts I’m trying to get over now that I’m in my mid twenties.

Honestly, it’s not worth your DC’s mental health to have someone so negative about something that’s a part of them be around them. Especially as she’s so vocal about it!