My relationship with SIL

[Namechanger805311]

You will see that I have namechanged for this.

I wanted to consult you all about a family argument to see if AIBU - because I genuinely want to know if AIBU and I'd appreciate your feedback - the kindlier the better.

My SIL of 22 years has recently been the subject of a family storm. I am mixed race and my DC are as well. My DD does not look mixed race, a quirk of genetics I guess as her Dad is white.

DD recently started dating someone black. At a family barbecue, SIL (white) commented. "Oh are you dating a black man? Can we see a picture of the black man? You know we don't want a black man in our pure white family"

You could construe this as irony, of course, except SIL doesn't know the meaning of the word. On three separate and subsequent occasions, SIL repeated her joke, always culminating in "we don't want a black man in our pure white family." I overheard at least one of these jokes and passed it over as SIL being dim again.

DD (18) came into my study in some degree of distress complaining that her aunt was being racist and she didn't know her aunt thought that way. She particularly objected to the phrase pure white family and didn't like the term.

It feels like a veil has been lifted for me and lots of little things over the years all now add up. The times that she has ignored DS who looks brown and openly favoured DD who looks white - examples being that DD got to stay with her for the weekend when DS got to stay with her for tea. Little things, small things. The time I had to go and eat alone in her living room because there wasn't room for everyone in her dining room.

I asked SIL what was going on with this pure white family stuff. There was a lot of hoo hah. Then SIL started liking Britain First stuff on FB and I objected again. Quite calmly both times.

Our relationship is completely destroyed now and it was actually I thought quite a good relationship. We always supported her through bankruptcy and hard times and divorce and what have you.

I absolutely cannot get over this pure white family thing. It's there imprinted on my mind. This is what she said and she absolutely wasnt being ironic.

Should I just get over this? I really am trying. I havent said a thing about my feelings to the DC, I don't want to poison their relationship with their aunt. AIBU and if AIBU what can I do to get over this?

I don't want to poison his relationship with his aunt
There you go again. He has no relationship with her, or not one worth having. She has been treating him badly due to his race for years and continues to do it, also to you and his sister. Get over this fucking relationship and stick up for your kids; you should have told her to fuck off. Being the bigger person is being a mug. Don't have anything to do with people like this and they can't treat you and your kids like shit.

I find this so sad and shocking that I am lost for words. All I can say OP is that you should at the very least think of the damage this is doing to your children. They would have seen and experienced this racist side to their family, making them feel 2nd class.

Years ago when I was a student working at a retail store, a white man came in with his Chinese wife to purchase some stuff. The racist underhanded insults he directed at his wife were so outrageous. I have never forgotten this incident. I never will. It was eye opening.

Yes of course you are right. I do have the interests of my children at heart and they are very different from their cousins (educationally as well as racially) and my DC know who they are and they both seem basically happy and contented.

I do very much work to minimise contact between them and their aunt in a way that isn't belligerent or angry. and so far, that seems to be working.

What I notice here OP is that you say that you have to a lot, followed by something that you have to fix because of someone else's actions.

Does DH know how DS felt? Does he know DD was upset? If so - what was his reaction to these things?

Because even if we buy that he doesn't believe she means it (I don't buy this at all) then surely it wouldn't matter if she meant it if it hurt his children? Yet still he's not bothered.

If you don't want to rock the boat for you OP think of your kids and how she's made them feel. Nobody who cares fully about their DNephew or DNiece would do that.

Your husband has really done a number on you hasn't he?

It started that Christmas Eve - how dare he leave you in the other room on your own?

And he's minimising now.

He's not a very good husband/father or a very nice man I'm afraid.

TBH and it does hurt to admit it - the most important person in DH's life is his sister. He's really protective of her and she can do no wrong. My attitude to this has always been that love is good, the more of it the better and if she loves us that's just great

It turns out that she doesn't love us. She loves DH and she loves DD. She might even love DS a little bit. She doesn't love me at all.

I'm really sorry @Namechanger805311 - but to me he can't love his children that much if he sees them sad and won't even challenge it.
I'm protective of my sister and she's very protective of me but if I insulted her husband or children she would pull me up on it. At first not aggressively, but tell me why it had hurt them and to respect her/their feelings.

I can't see why he can't do similar - I'm not suggesting he never speaks to her again but talks to her frankly how sad it has made his family.

It's amazing he loves his sister so much but he should be more protective of the woman he married and the children that he Araised. Maybe I'm being unreasonable but love for your children surely would lead you to protect them, even from others you love?

I couldn't stay married to a man like this, OP - I'm sorry.

So your dh loves his sister more than his wife and kids? Thats heart breaking, he sounds like a poor father and husband.

What are uou going to do about your husband problem? Can you ask him for some space? Tell him honesty as you have said here?

Does DH know how DS felt? Does he know DD was upset? If so - what was his reaction to these things?

He knows both things and has ignored both things.

We've been invited around to SIL's for dinner. I explained I couldn't make it. A different date was sought. I explained that I wouldn't ever be able to make dinner at SIL's. DH was a bit grumpy but acknowledged it and now thankfully the invitations have stopped. Because as stated upthread, I do want to get over this but I find I just can't and I don't believe now that i ever will.

Why did your dh and his ds cook for only themselves and your dd? That is ridiculous.
Why were children brought into the adult table at your expense and why did your dh not object? That is ridiculous.
Why is your d h minimising his sister's unkind and offensive comments? The whole situation is ludicrous.
Colour aside, he and She have shown disrespect time and time again and your husband has allowed it to continue.
She is not dim. She is ignorant and needs pulling up.
Your husband needs to decide if he is going to have your back or not. He needs to decide if he is going to have your children's back or not.
He needs to decide if he is going to accept her stupid and offensive attitude towards you and your son and wave goodbye to your relationship or grow some balls and stand up for his family.
What a toxic bunch of ignoramus you have to put up with.

It's not a case of getting over it. Someone has (frequently) treated you and DS badly and you've stood up for yourself and said enough.

You no longer need to give her a second thought, unless she came to you grovelling for an apology. Until that time, enjoy not having to see her.

But why do you see this as something you should get over. Why are you putting the burden on yourself? You have done nothing wrong and I am sensing that you have been brainwashed into accepting you are second class. You are valuing yourself less than your pure white family. It seems that you are apologising for speaking against what your SIL said. You have also bought into this idea that your daughter passes as white and therefore you understand why your less than white son is treated differently by your husband's family. There is too much focus on race and skin colour in the family. I think your kids would have picked up on this over the years. This will affect how they see themselves and people of different races.

This is so incredible that I'm wondering if this is true. I really hope you start getting very angry about this situation. I am raging on your behalf .

You don't need to get over it. If you had a relative who always grabbed your arse or put his hand up your skirt, you would feel entirely justified in avoiding them, wouldn't you? Because you would know that their behaviour wouldn't change no matter what you did and they would hurt/upset you.
This is no different. Your SIL says awful things to you and pushes you out. Avoiding her is sensible. You don't need to invest a lot of emotion in it (in fact, try not to invest any more than you really have to).
Your husband doesn't deserve you, but I think you know that.

I can't tell you how heartwarming your posts are.

Really very kind and thoughtful and I really appreciate every word. I've been reading and re-reading them. Poring over every word.

Thank you

I will show this thread to DH. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and SIL should be forgiven because she has apologised. I do very much want to forgive but I can't - I honestly can't. I don't want her anywhere near the DC. At the same time as not wanting to poison their relationship with their only aunt. So I am a bit conflicted and muddled and confused.

Her relationship with your kids are based on the colour of their skin. She has already poisoned her relationship with them by her poisonous attitude, behaviour and the things she say.

Sorry said it hadn't posted first time.

The thing that shines through here is what a lovely person you are. It's your sils absolute loss to not have you in her life and more fool her.
You've had lots of good advice OP. But my god, your DH needs to value and cherish you or now that your eyes have been opened it will be him you can't forgive next, and rightly so.

There's one post way up thread that I didn't respond to - because I wanted to process it carefully. The poster asked if SIL had recently taken up with someone. And that is actually true. SIL has a boyfriend

We always got on well with SIL's DH whom she divorced. Everything was fine after the divorce, she came around to us lots because her kids had grown up (she had kids early and she is older than DH). She was almost never out of the house and came on holiday with us and so on.

The new boyfriend is a bit dodgy IMHO. The kids from his first marriage haven't turned out well. The kid from his second marriage moved out to go to university which was a cue for this chap to sell his house and ditch his parental responsibilities ASAP. He's very right wing and largely uneducated in a formal sense.

OP, you aren’t responsible for preserving your DH’s relationship with his sister.
What she said was not a joke.
Making you sit alone, for ANY reason, on Christmas Eve or any other day of the year is absolutely outrageous.
Treating your children differently because of their skin colour is shocking.
Saying the things your SIL said - no excuse. She is not dim. She should have learned by now if that was the case, that such comments are under no circumstances acceptable.
The lack of support shown by your H is not good enough.
Your desire to please and to be the better person has caused you to avoid speaking up when you should have done.

If I were to find myself in your shoes, I would tell my SIL in no uncertain terms what I think of her attitude, comments and behaviour.
I would decline to have anything to do with her and leave my Dh to it, in terms of a keeping in touch.
I would tell my DZh how disappointed I am in his lack of support and his tacit condoning of his sister’s behaviour

Your dc deserve better support, leadership and role models.

Giraffey1 You've hit the nail on the head there. I do feel responsible for driving a wedge between my DH and his sister. I don't want to do that. I wouldn't ever want to do that. I'm glad for the insight because that's absolutely why I've been so passive.

OP whatever relationship you perceive your DC have with their aunt, you have to accept it is superficial. Not wanting to involve them in a family disagreement is one thing, but this is more than a disagreement. This is fundamental to you and your DC's self esteem. Any perceived relationship you think they have is one that can do a huge amount of damage in the long run. It is not too late to talk to your son and tell him you were wrong to dismiss his feelings when he was younger. Acknowledge his hurt, he is entitled to that. You don't have to encourage a relationship with their aunt. Your DC sound old enough to make decisions for themselves but enable them, by being truthful with them, to make informed decisions. If you don't, who will?

Giraffey has it.

Hi OP, may I make a suggestion for useful reading for your DH:
Why I'm no longer talking to white people about race by Reni Eddo Lodge
She also has a blog, where she wrote an essay which generated a lot of interest and so was developed and became the book.
It is an eye opening insightful book which should, hopefully, set your husband straight on seeing this situation as you over reacting.
Good luck!

I am the white parent of ‘white looking’ mixed race children and I am sickened by this. Never would I let my dh be treated like you have and if any of my family made the kind of comments your sil has I would be going no contact; not trying to defend them.

OP you are getting ridiculous now. Why do you put up with her? I don't understand.
The racist issue aside, anyone that would ever take an issue with my DC's are out of our lives.
Get a grip!