My relationship with SIL

[Namechanger805311]

You will see that I have namechanged for this.

I wanted to consult you all about a family argument to see if AIBU - because I genuinely want to know if AIBU and I'd appreciate your feedback - the kindlier the better.

My SIL of 22 years has recently been the subject of a family storm. I am mixed race and my DC are as well. My DD does not look mixed race, a quirk of genetics I guess as her Dad is white.

DD recently started dating someone black. At a family barbecue, SIL (white) commented. "Oh are you dating a black man? Can we see a picture of the black man? You know we don't want a black man in our pure white family"

You could construe this as irony, of course, except SIL doesn't know the meaning of the word. On three separate and subsequent occasions, SIL repeated her joke, always culminating in "we don't want a black man in our pure white family." I overheard at least one of these jokes and passed it over as SIL being dim again.

DD (18) came into my study in some degree of distress complaining that her aunt was being racist and she didn't know her aunt thought that way. She particularly objected to the phrase pure white family and didn't like the term.

It feels like a veil has been lifted for me and lots of little things over the years all now add up. The times that she has ignored DS who looks brown and openly favoured DD who looks white - examples being that DD got to stay with her for the weekend when DS got to stay with her for tea. Little things, small things. The time I had to go and eat alone in her living room because there wasn't room for everyone in her dining room.

I asked SIL what was going on with this pure white family stuff. There was a lot of hoo hah. Then SIL started liking Britain First stuff on FB and I objected again. Quite calmly both times.

Our relationship is completely destroyed now and it was actually I thought quite a good relationship. We always supported her through bankruptcy and hard times and divorce and what have you.

I absolutely cannot get over this pure white family thing. It's there imprinted on my mind. This is what she said and she absolutely wasnt being ironic.

Should I just get over this? I really am trying. I havent said a thing about my feelings to the DC, I don't want to poison their relationship with their aunt. AIBU and if AIBU what can I do to get over this?

This is appalling.

You are definitely under-reacting. I understand that - your husband isn't backing you up, your view of your wider family is being challenged and a human being will often overlook the unforgivable in order to preserve the status quo.

But.

Your son has been treated like he's lacking just because his skin is darker than SILs.

You have been treated as less than a person because if your skin colour.

Your daughter has been openly mocked for daring to date a black man.

Your husband is standing by excusing all this racism for an easy life. And he'll get that easy life at the expense of his wife and children.

Find your rage and channel it.

SILs behaviour is completely unacceptable. You are just as entitled to respect as any other human being, and so are your children and their partners.

Go batshit over their racists arses! I don't care HOW "dim" this woman is. She's a nasty, racist, abusive cunt and she deserves to be called out and pilloried for her ignorance!

...

Sorry. I am just so completely incensed at her treatment you all, and your husbands complete lack of outrage.

The big problem here isn’t your SIL, it’s your DH! I’d be sitting him down and making it very clear what he has done to undermine you and how he has sided with his sister, making him as racist as her. It’s really really unacceptable of him to behave like he does.

Im mixed race married to a white man. Have had the occasional racist remark from the older generation of his family. Im quite calm about it. But only cos DH is livid on my behalf.
I also think this pure white family thing is a different circle of hell from comments that rely on transparently racial stereotypes. Arent you part of the family? or your son?
I feel for your dd - i imagine passing can be very painful. You hear thungs you generally wouldnt otherwise. Grim
But your sil is a waste of space. Your dh needs a talking to/with.

Maybe im naive but dont rage at anyone youll just be the angry black woman. They go low, you go high.

I agree with almost everyone that your DH needs to understand the seriousness of this and the impact it can have on your children. He should be raging.

Btw, National Geographic magazine had a brilliant special issue focused on race recently, and this article was particularly good at showing just how utterly wrongheaded any kind of racism is- scientifically as well as morally/ethically. If your SIL has any kind of intelligence she should read and take on board this (though it sounds like she has deeply entrenched abhorrent views which this probably won’t dispel):
www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/04/race-genetics-science-africa/

From now on always refer to her as 'Racist Aunty Pam' instead of Aunty Pam.

Eww racism apologists are just as bad as racists tbh, they are basically the same thing, your DH condoning this is disgusting and it is so obvious that he just doesn't care because it doesn't affect his 'pure' white self probably. What your SIL said wasn't even moderately racist, it was really really bad what she said. It doesn't matter how dim she is. How stupid do you need to be to not understand that all races are equal

Jokes are supposed to be funny and this isn’t. OP it sounds as though a lot of things that have happened to you over the years have fallen into place. Your SIL is a racist, and her behaviour is completely unacceptable. Your DH is supporting her instead of you; you need to drop on him like a ton of bricks for that. Don’t let your children be subjected to this woman’s vile remarks again.

I don't think there's any room for a white supremacist in in your family. I know it's disappointing and hurtful but she's a nasty person.

That's so so hurtful op and generally shocking. Take your time to let it sink it and adjust to her now you have this knowledge about her.

I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate your comments. I've been thinking that I'm bonkers/damaged for ages.

I don't think this is an issue of conscious bias - I think it's an issue of unconscious bias. SIL was truly indignant when I raised the matter with her. Then she tried to say it was her DD who had made the comments. It wasn't - I was there for one of them and my own DD knew full well where they were coming from.

The next generation is a problem. SIL's DD was my bridesmaid - she is a nice person as a grown up AFAIK. SIL's DS has always been someone that we loved. SIL has told her DC about my issues. They don't really talk to me now. Because I'm a bit bonkers/damaged etc. Plus it's uncomfortable - I get that.

I have a really good job - if I was that damaged/bonkers I wouldn't be able to hold it down, right?

I can't retrieve my relationship with either of my niece/nephew IL now and nor can I retrieve it with SIL.

I would really like to show this thread to DH - would any of you mind?

I can't see anyone minding we are all anonymous to him but think carefully before you do I'm not sure showing someone a thread is ever a great idea. How will he take a bunch of strangers calling his sister names??? While I hope it opens his eyes I don't want to make things worse for you op.

Sorry OP but you don’t come out with a phrase like “pure white family” if you’re “unconsciously biased”. It’s racism. Conscious racism.

How on earth are bonkers or damaged? You sound pretty normal to me! Have people been calling you those words whenever you stand up for yourself?

And yeah, I wouldn't show your DH this. Keep this space for you, free of his minimising.

I would confront her and then go no contact. I couldn’t have anything to do with a racist like that

Op. It's so horrible. I've almost cried reading this thread.
If my Dp was made to sit in a different room at a family dinner I'd be straight in there with him!!
You have been horribly racially abused and then gaslighted and made to feel crazy. I hope you manage to gain strength from this thread

You’re not bonkers/damaged your sister in law is racist and your IL’s are condoning and supporting her views by making you sound like the one with the problem if you object.

If she mentions her precious pure white family again say loudly you do not condone racist views of any nature spoken to your children and you and your children are deeply hurt and disgusted by her racist drivel.

I’d also cut the lot of them off.

Cannot believe your DP is not backing you on this!

you are not overreacting at all. Thats horrible

You can still love her but not particularly like her views.
Exactly. Everyone has faults and you can love the rest of a person and not those faults. She may be generous, kind to animals and a racist - love her generosity & her kindness, show her how wrong the racism is and how hurtful it is. If no-one tries to educate her (in a polite, non-accusatory way), then she'll never learn. It may be that she won't, in which case you have the choice of walking away. But at least explain how you feel.
('Pure white family' though - it sounds like an advert for washing powder, not a description of a real family)

Using 'dim' as an excuse is vile.

I work with young people some of whom have varying degrees of learning difficulties they know racism is wrong.

People with low IQs and learning difficulties still know right from wrong, they know how to behave and they know judging people by the colour of their skin is offensive.

There is no excuse. Tell your DH there is no excuse for racism. DH if you are reading this THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR YOUR SISTERS RACIST VIEWS.

Do I need to say it again?

You arent bonkers snd if i wasnt clear enough the pure white family crap is conscious and explicit. Nasty.

Your DH isn't exactly coming out of this smelling of roses. How can he condone his sister's treatment of you and his own son? Why are your feelings less important?

As has been said before on MN, you don't have a SIL problem. You have a DH problem.

How can your dh justify to himself going along with the things she has done without defending you to the hilt? Racism cannot be excused by stupidity. He should never excuse it.

It will take an immense amount of effort ion my part to stay civil to someone who has been nasty to me, my DS and my DD despite my constant support to her in her tough times.
I would tell her to sod off or change her views. I just don't get this shite of "you can still love her but not like her views" when she has been openly discriminating to you and your DS in the past. What's with not having space on the dinner table? That's the ultimate fucking insult. Tell her to do one forever.