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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My relationship with SIL

165 replies

Namechanger805311 · 05/06/2018 23:26

You will see that I have namechanged for this.

I wanted to consult you all about a family argument to see if AIBU - because I genuinely want to know if AIBU and I'd appreciate your feedback - the kindlier the better.

My SIL of 22 years has recently been the subject of a family storm. I am mixed race and my DC are as well. My DD does not look mixed race, a quirk of genetics I guess as her Dad is white.

DD recently started dating someone black. At a family barbecue, SIL (white) commented. "Oh are you dating a black man? Can we see a picture of the black man? You know we don't want a black man in our pure white family"

You could construe this as irony, of course, except SIL doesn't know the meaning of the word. On three separate and subsequent occasions, SIL repeated her joke, always culminating in "we don't want a black man in our pure white family." I overheard at least one of these jokes and passed it over as SIL being dim again.

DD (18) came into my study in some degree of distress complaining that her aunt was being racist and she didn't know her aunt thought that way. She particularly objected to the phrase pure white family and didn't like the term.

It feels like a veil has been lifted for me and lots of little things over the years all now add up. The times that she has ignored DS who looks brown and openly favoured DD who looks white - examples being that DD got to stay with her for the weekend when DS got to stay with her for tea. Little things, small things. The time I had to go and eat alone in her living room because there wasn't room for everyone in her dining room.

I asked SIL what was going on with this pure white family stuff. There was a lot of hoo hah. Then SIL started liking Britain First stuff on FB and I objected again. Quite calmly both times.

Our relationship is completely destroyed now and it was actually I thought quite a good relationship. We always supported her through bankruptcy and hard times and divorce and what have you.

I absolutely cannot get over this pure white family thing. It's there imprinted on my mind. This is what she said and she absolutely wasnt being ironic.

Should I just get over this? I really am trying. I havent said a thing about my feelings to the DC, I don't want to poison their relationship with their aunt. AIBU and if AIBU what can I do to get over this?

OP posts:
Monty27 · 06/06/2018 02:37

Sil is thick as shit, racist and probably reads the sun and needs to go back to her own hell 👿

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/06/2018 02:58

There’s no smoothing over this. The most you can do is ask her to conceal her appalling views. She’s a horrible racist and I don’t think that can change. I might have tolerated prejudiced views from my elderly grandmother who’d never had contact with someone who wasn’t white, although sought to challenge and educate her. This is different. SIL has had plenty of opportunity to change her mind. She’s just an awful person.

Your DH sounds increasingly awful. It’s not like a dispute over a political party or views on abortion or something, her beliefs are just unacceptable.

Forumqueen · 06/06/2018 03:09

I’m sorry to say this but OP you need to grow a backbone! How can you brush this under the carpet when she has very directly been racist to you children. You DD being upset should have made you want to stick up for her and set an example that racism is not tolerated!

moredoll · 06/06/2018 03:12

Well your SIL has already poisoned the relationship so you don't have to worry about that.
Your DH sounds awful. He's not got your back at all, has he?

Southernstars · 06/06/2018 03:29

Reading about you eating in the living room made me angry. Your DH shows he thought that was okay by doing nothing, saying nothing and leaving you to be humiliated. He seems to be just as dim as his knuckle dragging family.

YummySushi · 06/06/2018 04:08

Op... she blocked u at ur husbands request ?

I’m starting to worry that u have been gaslighted by this entire family for some time and don’t realise that this seems to be the view of the whole family

HPandBaconSandwiches · 06/06/2018 04:22

I think you’ve put up with far, far, far too much. You’ve been way too nice.
Christmas Eve - they should have squeezed in another chair or told one of the kids to sit at the child table. No decent human would EVER send a guest to eat in another room. No decent DH would ever let their partner have to do so - he could have given up his place or come with you or just told his sister she was being rude.
Pure white family - I’d have picked up my bag, my kids and told her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour was racist and foul. If she ever wanted to see any of you again she could apologise profusely and never, ever repeat it. Then I’d have walked out and not looked back. Though I wouldn’t have had to because any decent DH would do it for you.

Too nice. Too forgiving. Don’t let your kids put up with this, even if you think it’s ok to just let it go. So angry that stupid ignorant people behave this way. And I mean both your SIL and her entire family, including your DH, as they ALL let this happen.

UrsulaPandress · 06/06/2018 04:50

I am truly gobsmacked about the Christmas Eve eating arrangements!!!

emmyrose2000 · 06/06/2018 04:57

SIL is a disgusting racist individual.

I have no idea why you still let her into your life. She should've been cut off years ago.

Original poster
Namechanger805311 · 06/06/2018 09:08

Thanks for all your help. I feel like I’m unreasonably bearing a grudge because I can’t put it out of my head

OP posts:
Kamma89 · 06/06/2018 11:24

OP. You really need to get your act together. Your SIL is clearly an unreconstructed racist & has been for some time. Her behaviour is now having a negative impact on your children. You are the non white parent & it's your responsibilty to protect/educate your non white children in how to deal with these people/situations. Your DH can fuck right off. He should be bending over backwards to support and protect his family from this sort of crap. I'm mixed race myself and now in an interracial relationship. I wouldn't stand for any of this shit for 1 second. Sorry to be harsh but this is not just about you, your children need to understand this is not to be tolerated. I'd cut her out if your life entirely.

GhostsInSnow · 06/06/2018 11:40

OP, I recall a similar thread some years ago where someone asked 'If the person who held these views was a friend and not related would you cut them out?'
It resonated with me. I have a SIL who posted all this crap too and frankly it did bother me. I felt I needed to send a message to my own children that these views were not acceptable and I would never have been friends with someone like this so why should things be different just because we were related by marriage?

I cut her out completely, somewhat easier as she doesn't live close to me, but I haven't spoken to her for about 6 years.

Shoxfordian · 06/06/2018 11:43

You're definitely not being unreasonable OP. She's a nasty racist and you're completely justified in not seeing her or being around her again.

FrenchJunebug · 06/06/2018 11:49

your DH didn't say anything about you having diner on your own on Christmas Eve?!

AcrossthePond55 · 06/06/2018 13:36

I'm with Heebie. TBH I think you may want to take a broad look at your DH and his family. It sounds to me as if they're the type who says "I can't be racist, my wife/DiL/whatever relative is black/brown/green" but would be upset if one moved in next door.

Does your DH realize that he is prioritizing his sister over, not just his wife, but his own children?

TakeMe2Insanity · 06/06/2018 14:21

You are not unreasonably holding a grudge. You’ve unreasonably been letting her get her own way with horrible comments and actions and allowing her to get away with it. She may have said things when she was drunk but isn’t that when the truth comes out.

Re Christmas any normal family/guest environment the host would have moved a child to kids table and had you with the adults, but to allow your SIL to be sat in a room alone while everyone else is celebrating to me that just smacks of total disregard and a callus disposition.

This is horrible but you have to see her for what she is and that is not enough. Your DH needs to see what his sister really is.

JamPasty · 06/06/2018 14:36

WTF!!! You are under reacting rather than over reacting. I would go fucking mental at someone who told a family member they were worth less because of their skin colour. She is a nasty vile racist - someone your kids should not have to have anything to do with. Your DH can try to excuse her behaviour as much as he likes, but racism is inexcusable. Get mad OP!

pigmcpigface · 06/06/2018 14:44

My grandmother was a proper, full-throated racist. She was actually unashamedly fascist.

It's hard to balance things emotionally and morally when someone is family, and you have a tie to them, yet they are spouting unbelievable crap. We ended up seeing her occasionally, and keeping her at arm's length.

The excuse that someone is 'just dim' or 'doesn't mean it really' doesn't cut the mustard. If someone is behaving in a way that is self-evidently hurtful and crosses social lines, then they are responsible for the effects of that behaviour whether they 'intended' it or not.

Original poster
Namechanger805311 · 06/06/2018 17:12

I appreciate all your comments so much! Thank you :)

DH says that I have been emotionally damaged by racism in the past and that my response is unreasonable to something that was said as some kind of joke.

I do very much want to protect and preserve DH's sibling relationship - siblings are very important and should be a lifelong source of joy and support and SIL's children are my DC's cousins so it matters - it's not as though SIL is someone I can cut out of my life. She's not been round since (she used to be here on a weekly/twice weekly basis). So there is a measure of distance now.

The problem is that this joke just recasts everything in a different light. Like the time on holiday when SIL and DH cooked a meal for themselves and DD and didn't tell me or DS. I usually cook and I always cook for everyone so I couldn't understand that at all. There was just no explanation for that and when I questioned this the answer was nonsense.

So there's no point dwelling on the past right? I have to accept I'm not going to get over it - because clearly I'm not and it's not for want of trying. I just have to move on and move forward because this thing is never going to be right.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 06/06/2018 17:21

She’s not dim, she’s vile. I would cut her out of yours and your kids life’s. Your DH can see his racist sister if he wants. Although he should cut her out of his life too. And the Christmas Eve dinner, who does that? I would of walked out of the house.

itswinetime · 06/06/2018 17:23

So there's no point dwelling on the past right? I have to accept I'm not going to get over it - because clearly I'm not and it's not for want of trying.

I disagree only you know your family and only you are in a position to say if it is racism or not. However the more you say the more clear it is that you SIL and alll of DHs family seem to be treating you with a shocking lack of respect and that's not ok.

Your DH needs to man up and stand up for you regardless of motives. And while yes siblings play a important role in life they don't get to ride roughshod over everyone else.

You need to sit down with your DH and have a long discussion about this, the past and how it has made you feel! Hopefully he will see when it is spelt out to him but if not my first issue would be if I could stay with a man who allowed me to be treated that way! And wasn't prepared to even acknowledge how badly you are being treated by his family even if he disagrees on the motives!

I would go no contact with SIL till you have a massive apology and even then one ounce of all this disrespect starting up she'd be out again. For good no way back.

For what it's worth I think your absolutely right about your SIL . for you opFlowers these are true my shit things to realise about people you care about.

Outlookmainlyfair · 06/06/2018 17:24

She sounds vile and tourniquet DH is enabling her vile behaviour. Everything you say about your DHs behaviour makes him look more and more unpleasant.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/06/2018 17:30

Tell him clearly:

You understand that she is his sister
You are his wife
You are a proud black woman
His kids should be proud to be black people [obviously choose the desriptor of your choice)

His sister has made BOTH of his kids AND his wife feel like second or third class citizens
He is only adding to that misery

He needs to wake up and decide if he wishes to support his wife and children more than he wishes to appease his racist sister.

And he needs to do that RIGHT NOW!

Disfordarkchocolate · 06/06/2018 17:30

I agree that you are under reacting. Your SIL is a racist and the rest of the family, including your DH are passively supporting her. Letting this continue will change how your daughter thinks about you both as parents.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 06/06/2018 17:31

You have a DH problem - he is clearly enabling his sister to be racist and thick as two short planks. He doesn't get how his behaviour (by not standing by you) is hurtful "damaged by racist behaviour in the past" - only someone who doesn't get it would come out with such shite as that!
I feel for your OP. I really do. Your DH is a shit and his sister isn't much better and you're trying to be so kind and empathetic to them. They don't deserve such kindness as they aren't showing you any.