My relationship with SIL

[Namechanger805311]

You will see that I have namechanged for this.

I wanted to consult you all about a family argument to see if AIBU - because I genuinely want to know if AIBU and I'd appreciate your feedback - the kindlier the better.

My SIL of 22 years has recently been the subject of a family storm. I am mixed race and my DC are as well. My DD does not look mixed race, a quirk of genetics I guess as her Dad is white.

DD recently started dating someone black. At a family barbecue, SIL (white) commented. "Oh are you dating a black man? Can we see a picture of the black man? You know we don't want a black man in our pure white family"

You could construe this as irony, of course, except SIL doesn't know the meaning of the word. On three separate and subsequent occasions, SIL repeated her joke, always culminating in "we don't want a black man in our pure white family." I overheard at least one of these jokes and passed it over as SIL being dim again.

DD (18) came into my study in some degree of distress complaining that her aunt was being racist and she didn't know her aunt thought that way. She particularly objected to the phrase pure white family and didn't like the term.

It feels like a veil has been lifted for me and lots of little things over the years all now add up. The times that she has ignored DS who looks brown and openly favoured DD who looks white - examples being that DD got to stay with her for the weekend when DS got to stay with her for tea. Little things, small things. The time I had to go and eat alone in her living room because there wasn't room for everyone in her dining room.

I asked SIL what was going on with this pure white family stuff. There was a lot of hoo hah. Then SIL started liking Britain First stuff on FB and I objected again. Quite calmly both times.

Our relationship is completely destroyed now and it was actually I thought quite a good relationship. We always supported her through bankruptcy and hard times and divorce and what have you.

I absolutely cannot get over this pure white family thing. It's there imprinted on my mind. This is what she said and she absolutely wasnt being ironic.

Should I just get over this? I really am trying. I havent said a thing about my feelings to the DC, I don't want to poison their relationship with their aunt. AIBU and if AIBU what can I do to get over this?

How dim could she be, if she were a teacher?

Her mouth overtook her?? What does he think that means? To me it means you say something you think but shouldn't have said out loud which is true I guess but doesn't help her case dose it!!
You need a serious chat with your dh!

Well she's not dim if she's got a teaching degree.

She may speak without thinking or care. However she is saying what she feels so to me that's both racist and uncaring.

I think you both need to confront her properly instead of pussyfooting around her and make excuses

My DB called my (now ex) DH a monkey and I have never spoken or even looked at DB since.
Inexcusable behaviour

You got sent to another room to eat a meal on your own while everyone else ate together and your husband stayed in the room with everyone else?

Wow, how awful!

I imagine that your DS has actually picked up on his aunt treating him differently so don't worry about talking about it with your kids if necessary. Although I can see that it could just add more distress to the situation.

If your SIL used to be a teacher then she really is not going to be stupid enough to get away with this!

I am so very hurt actually

It's great that DD objected. I really feel for DS because he is just the very best of kids. Do you know when they were both maybe 6 and 8, DS told me he didn't like going to his aunts because she always ignored him.

And do you know I just brushed that over? I just thought he was being oversensitive and maybe SIL and DD had a special connection. That's genuinely what I thought then. I don't think that now.

I kind of mourn that because SIL SHOULD love DS he is just the sweetest boy. I do actually think she does love him, I just think she doesn't value him for the person that he is because of the colour of his skin

I don't actually know what I think. I know I'm really upset about it all

Any did you eat by yourself in the living room?

That’s bizarre behaviour op. Where was your dh eating? Why didnt you just walk out?

Hedda - yes - Christmas Eve - I will never forget it actually because I'm not given to feeling sorry for myself but I did then.

See I would have walked out then.

You have a dh problem more than a sil issue op. What on Earth was he thinking letting you sit by yourself on Christmas Eve. Why didn’t your kids say something

Sorry this is so preposterous I am

Your daughter knows that she is mixed race

When her aunt started talking about the "pure white family" your daughter realised what her aunt actually thought and was hurt and upset.

I think that should be acknowledged by her mother and father.

Your SIL is a competent adult who has a job, a profession etc. Maybe "dim" is a euphemism "for says things I can't possibly believe she thinks" because you'd prefer she didn't think those things.

But she does. When people say what they mean why would you try to explain it away as something else.

Actually I think both you and your dh have let your daughter down on this one. You need to step up, call out bad and racist behaviour for what it is, support your daughter.

Sorry I should explain more about the Christmas Eve thing because it was complicated with lots of family. SIL has two children and now they have children too. There was a separate table for the children to eat but SIL's daughter in law decided that her children should eat at the grown up table so there wasn't enough room at the grown up table (and it was physically impossible for me to eat at the children'stable) so it just ended up with me in the living room on my own. It was a horrible experience though and as you say above I should have just left. But you can't make a fuss can you?

It's only after all these comments that SIL made that I started wondering how I ended up eating on my own in the living room. Because no ordinary host who cared about their guests would make that happen, would they?

Pallisers I did object. I really did object. SIL apologised for saying something that "might have been out of order"

Sorry I realise that I am dripfeeding - I should have said that before but my OP was so long already - she did actually apologise after I objected

It's me that just can't get over it. The apology just isn't working because that's not fixed anything for me - I just keep thinking that she showed her true colours and I should put it behind me but i really can't

Your DH's 'oh she's just dim, we should forgive her' is total bullshit. Even a 4 or 5 year old can understand "You have hurt my feelings by saying XXX". And chances are that child will not say XXX again. She's not dim, she knows exactly what she's saying and she doesn't care if she hurts you.

No, you don't need to forgive her. I certainly wouldn't. DD at 18 is old enough to decide for herself what kind of relationship she wants with her aunt. You don't say how old DS is, but if he's too young to make that decision I certainly wouldn't want him around him because sooner or later she's going to say something racist (oh excuse me, "dim" ) in his hearing.

Did no one in DH's entire family pull her up on her 'pure white family' crap? I assume she's DH's sister and I can assure you if one of my adult children, or any other family member, made a comment like that I'd be on their case like stink on shit.

Your DH needs to get his head out of his arse and realize what he's teaching his children about standing up for what's right.

If she's 'dim' and her' mouth overtook her' then DH needs to sit down and explain reality to her. Nobody is 'pure white' because that isn't how it works. And whatever she thinks about that, he is the husband and father of people who aren't part of her racist fantasy.

Wow. YANBU even slightly. She sounds awful. I would be asking your family why they aren't calling her out too. It's not just you that should be offended. If someone in my family were liking Britain first stuff I would fully expect the rest of my family to be all over that calling them out for being out of order. If she's genuinely dim then she should be mortified when being called out and not do it again. The fact that she's done similar stuff repeatedly stinks of the fact that she is racist. Just freeze her out. You don't need that in your life.

Punch her in the face.

I missed this:
But you can't make a fuss can you?
which is the most British statement of all :)

You have a dh problem more than a sil issue op.

No, no, NO. I’m sick to death of people on MN blaming the partner for not being supportive enough when in-laws are vile. Yes, there may be a separate ‘DH problem’, but that is to do with his reaction to the sister-in-law’s behaviour. It has zero impact on the behaviour itself.

Cough I agree completely

Thing is, when SIL started liking Britain First on FB (and I objected) DH explained that SIL didn't know it was a Britain First thing and suggested that SIL block me on FB for objecting. And really I objected in the mildest terms. Think "Why are you liking this stuff SIL - it comes from Britain First"

So now I really feel that I am in the wrong. Genuinely properly in the wrong. Because now I have been blocked on FB by SIL.

Op. It is hard to stand up to this stuff. Good on you for doing it. You are not in the wrong. They are treating you this way because you speaking out makes them uncomfortable. I get it, I am currently being demonised by my ils for speaking up about child abuse. Everyone has seen it. But I am the only one willing to speak out. And am getting it in the neck. That is easier for them than confronting the problem.
Shocking it should be this way in this day and age, but there it is. You are experiencing the same thing. You are not in the wrong. Take comfort in knowing you have done the right thing. It’s just lonely speaking up is all, and unlike on the movies you don’t get a resounding cheer for it (even though you totally should). Don’t quiet down! People on here will support you.

DH explained that SIL didn't know it was a Britain First thing and suggested that SIL block me on FB for objecting

wtf?
He's condoning and enabling her disgusting attitude and behaviour and i wouldn't let that go unchallenged.
He didn't stand by -or sit with- his wife that xmas eve....and he's doing the same re his dc - not acceptable in my book.

i can understand if he's embarassed by her and doesn't want to draw even more attention to it - but his response is NOT how you deal with a racist in the family.
are you sure the rest of the family is not the same? Cos they didn't speak up for you on xmas eve and they're not doing so now.

OP it's time to wake up and smell the racist coffee, she believes you and your children are less than her, don't even let her breathe the same air as you. WOW.