My relationship with SIL

[Namechanger805311]

You will see that I have namechanged for this.

I wanted to consult you all about a family argument to see if AIBU - because I genuinely want to know if AIBU and I'd appreciate your feedback - the kindlier the better.

My SIL of 22 years has recently been the subject of a family storm. I am mixed race and my DC are as well. My DD does not look mixed race, a quirk of genetics I guess as her Dad is white.

DD recently started dating someone black. At a family barbecue, SIL (white) commented. "Oh are you dating a black man? Can we see a picture of the black man? You know we don't want a black man in our pure white family"

You could construe this as irony, of course, except SIL doesn't know the meaning of the word. On three separate and subsequent occasions, SIL repeated her joke, always culminating in "we don't want a black man in our pure white family." I overheard at least one of these jokes and passed it over as SIL being dim again.

DD (18) came into my study in some degree of distress complaining that her aunt was being racist and she didn't know her aunt thought that way. She particularly objected to the phrase pure white family and didn't like the term.

It feels like a veil has been lifted for me and lots of little things over the years all now add up. The times that she has ignored DS who looks brown and openly favoured DD who looks white - examples being that DD got to stay with her for the weekend when DS got to stay with her for tea. Little things, small things. The time I had to go and eat alone in her living room because there wasn't room for everyone in her dining room.

I asked SIL what was going on with this pure white family stuff. There was a lot of hoo hah. Then SIL started liking Britain First stuff on FB and I objected again. Quite calmly both times.

Our relationship is completely destroyed now and it was actually I thought quite a good relationship. We always supported her through bankruptcy and hard times and divorce and what have you.

I absolutely cannot get over this pure white family thing. It's there imprinted on my mind. This is what she said and she absolutely wasnt being ironic.

Should I just get over this? I really am trying. I havent said a thing about my feelings to the DC, I don't want to poison their relationship with their aunt. AIBU and if AIBU what can I do to get over this?

I am a white looking mixed raced young woman. Even if I wasn't mixed race i would be hurt by those comments- everything you have said proves this woman is a racist bitch, and to put it bluntly, your husband has a strange relationship with his sister if he condones what she says and puts her before his own children. OP you sound so nice and understanding but please do not forgive this lady and brush it under the carpet, for your children's sake. Stick to your guns and show your beautiful mixed race children that no one should speak about anyone in such a degrading way, family or not. I would seriously think about how your marriage is going to move on from this because if my husband didn't make my son dinner and made it for the other child and his sister, I would absolutely be out that fucking door with my kids bags packed and divorce the selfish bastard. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about you haven't 'poisoned' any relationship, your kids should not be around that witch. The only thing poisonous is her and her racist gob shite fucking mouth. X

Oh OP, I really feel for you. Without support from family or your DH, it must be very difficult. And you sound like such a caring, thoughtful person.

This sort of UB is insidious. It's similar to women being told to 'have a sense of humour' and put up with sexist jokes and comments. Each incident, by itself, doesn't seem too bad. But put together, they demonstrate a stream of unacceptable and biased behaviour.

I applaud your patience and understanding, tbh.

I'd cut her out. She does sound spectacularly dim as your DD isn't "pure white", is she?

Regardless I'd be pissed. This could seriously impact your DS. Don't engage with this woman unless her pure white self sees the error of her ways!

Wow, my sil is mixed race as are my niece and nephew, if anyone in the family treated any of them any differently I'd rip,there heads off.

It is unacceptable to put up with this and your SIL is a racist or has been heavily influenced by her new right wing boyfriend. I would be wary of letting your kids anywhere near her until you have had a discussion about her racist views. Your DH does not seem to have your back at all either.

I'll leave this here.

Was your SIL with this right wing boyfriend when you were not allowed to seat at the table and instead made to eat in the living room all by yourself?

If your sister cared about you and her niece and nephew, she would never go out with someone who hated them just because of the colour of their skin.

Your sister is to be blamed for her views and actions not this boyfriend.

Has your DH read the thread yet?

Thank you very much for your posts.

I felt I owed everyone who has been kind enough to post an update.

I spoke to DH very seriously and over a number of days and yes I did show him the thread. He spoke to his sister. Many tears have been shed on all sides.

DH explained that his family was me and the DCs and that I wasn't meaning to cause trouble (I really am not) but her views of me and the DC weren't in tune with our mixed race family.

He's explained that he won't be seeing her again and she should not invite us or the DCs to any further events.

I feel like I am responsible for DH losing his much loved sister and the DCs losing their much loved aunt. And I loved my SIL completely for decades and I have lost her too. Just because I couldn't get over myself.

I had been looking at houses where I could live with my half of the equity and I would have been fine. I didn't want to cause a permanent rift but I didn't want DH to lose his sister and I didn't want to be in this position but it seems that I am.

But it's all straight now. My family are my DH and my DCs and it's all fine. I am grieving a lot for everyone and I know no-one meant any of this but I can't escape who I am.

Onwards and upwards. It's a lovely day. Let's enjoy it.

OP, you have done NOTHING wrong. This is not on you. I’m glad to see your DH stuck up for you with his sister, but not sure if he really gets what the actual problem is? Ie her and her racism. Hope you are OK

His dsis isn't the one he thought he had. You and your dc need respect. Your dh has ensured your feelings are his priority. Your marriage is worth its weight in gold.
Move on without her and don't you dare feel any guilt!

Hi OP I'm glad things have been resolved and that you and your husband are united on this now. Your posts sounded like you might have minimised and forgiven lots of more minor racism in the past and that you came across as a person who doesn't like to make a fuss, but I'm sure your children will, in the long run, been glad you stood firm on this.

I'm glad your dh discovered his backbone.

You didn't cause this.

I understand your hurt. On top of the racism, it's the realisation that someone you thought loved you actually didn't.

That hurts. I get that. You will get over it though. In time.

I feel like I am responsible for DH losing his much loved sister and the DCs losing their much loved aunt. And I loved my SIL completely for decades and I have lost her too. Just because I couldn't get over myself.

NO. NONONONO! You are not responsible! That's like blaming the victim for not getting the way out of a speeding car on the pavement.

There's no need to 'get over' anything. They are the racist twats. They are the ones who caused this. You were reacting in the way that any reasonable person would react, both from personal insult AND to protect one's children from personal insult OR picking up their rhetoric.

Maybe this will be your DH's first step out from under their influence and towards better understanding.

so many wise words so eloquently phrased on this thread. I do think in the future this would have come to a head so better to deal with now than later. that you and your children have needed to endure any of this.