FIL’s hospital appointment vs DD’s play...

[dildial]

My FIL has been experiencing some health problems recently and is currently undergoing lots of tests & having lots of appointments to try to get to the bottom of it. I’m a GP, and the only doctor among my in-laws’ children + spouses. Consequently, my MIL - who has been finding this very stressful - has been asking me to come to all FIL’s appointments so that I can help them understand what’s going on and what all the results mean.

I’m absolutely fine with this - I understand that hospitals can be very daunting places and that medical jargon can be confusing. It’s a 2 hour round trip to the hospital where FIL is being seen, but I can generally manage this, and as I work 3 days a week, MIL & FIL have been arranging the appointments on my days off.

The problem is that in 2 weeks, FIL has an important appointment with a specialist, that can’t be rearranged as he’s been waiting a few months to see him. MIL is very anxious that I come along to this appointment, but unfortunately it clashes with my 11 year old DD’s end of year 6 play, in which she has a pretty big part.

I honestly don’t know what to do for the best here. Should I upset my MIL by not going to FIL’s appointment, or upset my DD (and, let’s be honest, be really upset myself) by missing her big moment?

Yes, it's emotional blackmail for a PP to suggest that the only compassionate option is to go to the appointment.

They are not OP's parents. OP already does a four-hour round trip to support every single time they have an appointment. PILs have two adult children who can and should support just this once.

They should understand why you can't be there then OP.

Be there for your daughter. She will remember it forever. She is your number 1 concern and you are already doing enough for your inlaws so you should be proud of yourself and feel no guilt on that end.

Could you not arrange to ring FILs consultant after his meeting and get the gist of it from him/her?

You have already been very supportive to attend FIL's appointmentsand I am sure after this consultation you will be able to explain and reassure.
Sadly I expect there will be further appointments down the line.

Tambien - Its not a leavers assembly its a leavers play. Its a BIG deal. My dd would never have forgiven me or her Dad if either of us had not attended her performance. As it happened due to dh's inflexible job we did a similar thing. I went to one show, dh went to another.

There is no way on earth a the mum should miss her dd's Year 6 Leaver's Play. Its one of those moments you never get back. The dd will remember that her mum didn't go and see her perform.

Go to the play, your dd is important too.

I'd see if the appointment could be rearranged- although that sounds unlikely- and if not, get DH to find someone else who could attend with your PIL.

There will come a time when there is an appointment or similar that you physically cannot be there for, so it's a good idea to everyone to understand that your presence at these things cannot be assumed and that other people need to join in supporting your PIL.

I hope your FIL gets positive news at this appointment.

I have to say I’m always amazed by the lack of support people give to their parents/PIL on MN.

The op has been to all the other appointments so far, plans to go to more in the future, and is seriously considering not attending her daughter's leaver's play- probably the biggest deal of her school life so far and certainly something important and memorable. That cannot be considered a 'lack of support' by anyone reasonable!

Your daughter is your first priority. Go to the play.

They can record the consultation, she can write notes, someone else can, you can phone the specialist after to discuss it etc.

There's heaps of others ways around the appointment. You have one chance for the play.

I’d see the play.
The fact is your FIL has MIL as support, she is not supporting him, she appears to need support herself so FIL if he needs support should ask someone to come.
OP is doing over and above supporting the in-laws with the 2 hour round trip as it is and she is not complaining about it, she’s doing it, just this once she has a clash as DD should come first. Put it this way, what if her DH had married someone that wasn’t a GP, or didn’t work part time. They’d have to get on with it like the rest of us do.

Tell them that you can't make this one, let them decide what to do & let someone else change the appointment/go with them/phone the practise & ask for someone to sit with them as necessary.

Also, I wouldn't let the apopintment be cancelled for the sake of MIL's anxiety!

I also did wonder if it's has been a good thing overall to "pander" to MIL.

I wonder if the expectations would be the same if OP’s SIL were married to a male GP.

Feel for you OP, you must feel so terribly torn.

I don't know how your PILs feel about this, but my FIL, who is utterly lovely, would be devastated if he discovered I'd missed a monumentally important event of my child's to go to an appointment with them. Is he and MIL in such a worry now that they're not concerned over this?
I guess they are. There's nothing wrong with asking SIL to go with them instead. Surely there will be follow-up letters subsequent to the appointment that will be enlightening, you will be able to see what the position is.

Hoping the outcome is positive OP

Surely loving grandparents would not want you to miss out on your daughter's play? The leavers' play is such a big deal.
You have been incredibly kind to your PILs but the vast majority of people have to attend serious and scary medical appointments without their own personal GP to translate for them. I've been there myself, as the patient and the family member. Of course you can get a bit overwhelmed, and not ask all the questions you later wish you had but you do get a letter afterwards which sets everything out. You sit down with the letter, work you way through the words you don't understand, and then raise any remaining queries. You can help them through this latter stage, surely?
This isn't lacking in compassion, it's a practical response to conflicting demands.

What do Pils say about the conflict of times? Are they understanding about the play?

Alexander yep that’s exactly what I’m talking about.
And both my dcs didn’t have any issue at all about their dad not being there for it. Like a lot of other parents who couldn’t make it either.
Sure some had the whole family there (parents, grand parents etc...). But it wasn’t the case for everyone.
And nor is it the case that children who didn’t have BOTH parents present were upset.
actually asking the dd would be a good start imo.

There is a good point raised about, what if the SIL husband was a GP, would he be expected to come and run too?
Maybe there is that expectation that women are nurturing and should leave everything to look after a relative.
Or maybe it’s just what some people do for their family (I would for my IL just like I would for my own parents).
Tbh it’s impossible to say from a few lines on a screen.

Well thats your choice (and his). Personally I could not imagine ever missing such a milestone in my child's life. My dd is 16 and the thought of missing her Year 11 prize giving and final End of Year dance show is unthinkable. At age 11 my dd would have been as devastated at me not being able to attend her Leaver's Play as she would as an adult if I missed her wedding.

Play. Your DD is more important - that doesn't mean that your in-laws are not important, but your DD is your priority here.

Please go to your DDs play.
My grandmother lived with us, my mum did everything for her, she was everyone's priority due to health issues. We kids were all taught that her needs were more important...it is devastating to a child to grow up knowing that your own mother doesn't place you first, ever.

Please go to the play, this one appointment doesn't need you as much as your DD does.

actually asking the dd would be a good start imo.

I think it would be a terrible start. It's putting far too much pressure on her. She may well feel she has to say she doesn't mind, when the reality is that she probably will mind a lot, and it will affect her performance.

I agree Bibesia.

Ds is 14. the date of his school concert clashes with a live cinema event for which I have already bought tickets. Ds told me to go to that event not his concert. I know that he's only saying that becasue he thinks he ought to. I'm going to the concert. Jamie can wait.

You sound lovely OP, but I am wondering if you are by nature a bit of a people pleaser. It is important for you and your dd that you see one performance of her play. It is coming across that you have taken all of the responsibility for attending appointments with PIL or sorting out alternative supports. They are adults with a variety of adults around them who could step up and support them on this one occasion.
If it was your dd in this situation as an adult what would you want her to do? If you aren't doing this, what is stopping you?

Don't ask your dd, just go and support her. She will only be 11 once and will soon leave primary, if she hasn't already.

littlehouseonthep excellent advice. 'If it was your dd in this situation as an adult what would you want her to do? If you aren't doing this, what is stopping you?'

Play!

The play.

It's not standard procedure for anybody to take a GP in to their appointments with them. You are only doing this for MIL's anxiety.

What would they have done if you were a dentist??