FIL’s hospital appointment vs DD’s play...

[dildial]

My FIL has been experiencing some health problems recently and is currently undergoing lots of tests & having lots of appointments to try to get to the bottom of it. I’m a GP, and the only doctor among my in-laws’ children + spouses. Consequently, my MIL - who has been finding this very stressful - has been asking me to come to all FIL’s appointments so that I can help them understand what’s going on and what all the results mean.

I’m absolutely fine with this - I understand that hospitals can be very daunting places and that medical jargon can be confusing. It’s a 2 hour round trip to the hospital where FIL is being seen, but I can generally manage this, and as I work 3 days a week, MIL & FIL have been arranging the appointments on my days off.

The problem is that in 2 weeks, FIL has an important appointment with a specialist, that can’t be rearranged as he’s been waiting a few months to see him. MIL is very anxious that I come along to this appointment, but unfortunately it clashes with my 11 year old DD’s end of year 6 play, in which she has a pretty big part.

I honestly don’t know what to do for the best here. Should I upset my MIL by not going to FIL’s appointment, or upset my DD (and, let’s be honest, be really upset myself) by missing her big moment?

Amongst children and spouses.....

Time for another child or spouse to accompany them. Even if they go with a list of questions. Professionals should be able to explain the situation to a layman.

Op you have to put your DD first, second and third for this it will be massive to her to have at least one parent see her.

Would there be any chance of the consultant emailing you a brief list of the salient points, assuming your FIL gives permission, that is? Would that be allowed?

"diddl I think it shows the trust that her PIL have in her that they want her to be there."

Yes-but surely not at the expense of her wanting to do something with/for her daughter??!!

" if he has no understanding of medicine. "

He doesn't need an understanding of medicine, just be be able to understand English & ask for clarification if necessary!

Haven’t read all the thread however I have a year 6 dc and I would see play. Theses are big things for the children.

Play - without a doubt.

You've been a great help which is lovely but your kids play is a big deal and you need to be there for her. They are grown ups and will have to deal on their own.

Don't negotiate or get into long debates. Tell them, and stick to it.

OP has obviously gone above and beyond to support her PILs and I'm sure that they're very grateful. It really is time for one of their children to support on this one occasion, however.

I'm not suggesting that OP's PILs are guilty of this kind of cheeky fuckery but I've heard some horror stories from medic friends about being cornered at dinner parties to have a look at somebody's rash or hear in detail about their bowel condition before being asked for their medical opinion. Obviously OP's situation is very different but it does rather sound like her DH and SIL have let her take the strain on this.

Totally agree with BarbarianMum on this. The appointment date has been known for some time, it's not 'short notice' - this just comes across as 'big important man never has to put himself out'. Your initial post didn't even mention your husband, as if he has no responsibilities to his own parents in this. That's not right, regardless of what job he does.

The play. Definitely.

Go to the play it's her year 6 leavers play she won't ever have another one she 11yrs old she won't understand why u can't be there your her mother and she will want you there you won't get a chance to see it again

Go to the play. It's the only showing you can go to.

Your IL can't expect you to go to all of these appointments. It's shit that it's an important appointment that you'll be missing, but your job is to be a GP and look after your child, not to look after your in laws.

If the IL really require you so much, they need to request a later private appointment which you can attend.

Tambien Wed 06-Jun-18 10:18:05 Sorry but your DH will be at one of the performances. There is nothing that is saying you have to be there for BOTH of them. I would actually think the last one (when your DH will be there is the most ‘important’)I would choose to go with your FIL for the simple reason that you have agreed to go to said appointment with them AND they’ve organised it so that it would be on one of your days off.You have a commitment with them, just like your DH has a commitment with his employers. I would honour that

The OP is working onthe day/time of the 2nd performance. She cannot go with her dh. Besides tickets to these things are very limited and usually requested way in advance.

I'm repeating others but the Year 6 Leaver's Play is a BIG deal. The OP should attend. Her daughter really will never forget it (I'm 44 and still havn't forgotten when my Dad cocked up being home on time for a piano exam).

Your PIL seem quite demanding, this will understandably get worse as they age, I wouldn't be inclined to set a precedent here. Your daughter,s wants, and maybe yours too, trump theirs. She is your priority. You've been more than accommodating already. Definitely play, and DH can accompany his parents.

Definitely go to the play this time. This is you dd's Primary school leaving event and she wants her mum there at a proper performance. Not unreasonable at all.

You have been very supportive to attend all of these appointments but 99.9% of patients manage to attend their appointments without another hcp in tow and manage totally fine. Does FIL even mind? It sounds as though it is for MIL's benefit more than the actual patient. If it is a problem surely another family member can attend the appointments and make notes or records. Or can your FIL ask for a copy of test results and notes?

Some people do work in completely unflexible jobs. My dh is a teacher. There is no wayhe would be able to get time off this time of year unless he himself had an urgent medical appointment. Certainly not for anyone else.

I'm saying play 100%.

Is an advocate possible to go with PIL? If they know the consultants name before hand can a quick call to them or email to ask for a breakdown of what's said due to anxiety?

Your daughter would love you there and you would regret not going to the play- your in laws are adults and can take care of themselves for one appointment.

Wishing all the best.

I thought one of the golden rules of dealing with anxiety is to not feed it by avoiding the problem. MIL needs to get over the mental hurdle of going on their own, especially if there are going to be more appointments down the line.

I agree to go to the play.

Most people manage hospital appointments without having a family medical professional attend with them and so I'm sure your ILs will be fine.

Maybe give them some questions to ask or ask them to make notes so you can discuss it with them afterwards.

You and your DD will be gutted if you miss her play.

In the nicest possible way, I would nip this in the bud.

What if your FIL does have something serious going on (I truly hope not!!) and he needs to be treated? Will you have to dedicate all your free time [and / or take time off work!!] to attend his appointments?

I appreciate you are trying to help but I think your MIL has become way too reliant on you.

No alexander, her DH is ALREADY going to one of the performances. The OP was supposed to go to the other.

The dd WILL have a parent present to one of the performances. The fact it’s her dad rather than her mum doesn’t make it any less valuable for the dd. That’s why I’m saying it’s ok.

And yes it is the Y6 Leavers assembly. Yes it can be a big deal (or maybe not so big if you listen to my own dcs....)
But she isn’t be left in her own with no one. If she was, that would be a different thing altogether.

Seems you and I are the only compassionate one.
I hope all those you are for the play never find themselves in a situation like this and really want someone with medical knowledge to be in attendance with them.

I hope for your family's sake that you don't deploy this kind of cheap emotional blackmail IRL.

I have to say I’m always amazed by the lack of support people give to their parents/PIL on MN.
If my parents were asking me for help (or my PIL), I would just do it. The same way that my parents would jump to help me if they could.
This idea of ‘being too dependant in you’ is totally foreign to me. If anything I wish my parents would ask for help more easily than they do.

• call the secretary to see if any chance of reschedule

- ask another family member to attend with MIL/FIL so even though not a GP they've got another less involved adult - consider rescheduling privately if an option as that often creates more availability

Blackmail??? Because you are actually voicing your need for support? Or find it normal to support your own parents?

Do the inlaws even know about that play?

Yes in-laws know about the play. They were originally supposed to be coming to the play (2nd performance with DH), but FIL isn't really up to that at the moment.