FIL’s hospital appointment vs DD’s play...

[dildial]

My FIL has been experiencing some health problems recently and is currently undergoing lots of tests & having lots of appointments to try to get to the bottom of it. I’m a GP, and the only doctor among my in-laws’ children + spouses. Consequently, my MIL - who has been finding this very stressful - has been asking me to come to all FIL’s appointments so that I can help them understand what’s going on and what all the results mean.

I’m absolutely fine with this - I understand that hospitals can be very daunting places and that medical jargon can be confusing. It’s a 2 hour round trip to the hospital where FIL is being seen, but I can generally manage this, and as I work 3 days a week, MIL & FIL have been arranging the appointments on my days off.

The problem is that in 2 weeks, FIL has an important appointment with a specialist, that can’t be rearranged as he’s been waiting a few months to see him. MIL is very anxious that I come along to this appointment, but unfortunately it clashes with my 11 year old DD’s end of year 6 play, in which she has a pretty big part.

I honestly don’t know what to do for the best here. Should I upset my MIL by not going to FIL’s appointment, or upset my DD (and, let’s be honest, be really upset myself) by missing her big moment?

Can you Facetime into the appointment AND see the play?

The play, without a doubt.

Every issue which would arise as a result of you missing the appointment can be rectified or managed, missing the play can't.

Solutions are all perfectly good!

• Someone else who is attentive and sensible goes with MIL and notes everything;
• You give list of key Qs to ask
• Appointment is recorded
• You can always ask for follow up feedback on anything confusing.

After everything you've already done, I think it's really important that you put your DD first. It's a one-off thing and very important to her.

I'm guessing here that the OP is sorting this out because she's a GP and will understand what the consultant is saying and not because her DH has put this on her.

Alter the appt . If necessary pay to see the Cons privately. It goes on all the time. l am surprised you as a GP have not used your status to get your FIL seen quickly. In fact I am amazed OP..... well done for not using your privileged position . Enjoy your DD performance.

Attend the play, these thing do matter. I was deeply hurt my mum didn't come to my son's first birthday. Her response was 'he will have lots of other birthdays'. He didn't. None of us know what the future may hold, but we do know that you attending the appointment will absolutely not change the outcome for your FIL, sadly.

Only people who have had charmed lives can be cavalier about the value of being there for your children's important milestones.

Most people wouldn't have a GP in the family who was able to attend all their appointments, it sounds a lot of pressure being put on the OP. Is there really any reason why MIL cannot ask questions of the specialist herself and make notes etc. ? Presumable the specialist is used to explaining things to people who don't have a medical background.

How nice for him that you can be in two places at once then. Strange how its always men who have these big, important, inflexible jobs, I wonder how women in the same profession cope?

Go to the play - you really can't and shouldn't miss this. If you do your DD will NEVER forgive you. And you will so sad to miss it, quite rightly. These things happen only once in a lifetime.

Your ILs will cope. You can't be there for them 100% of the time and they do need to take on some personal responsibility I think. There will be plenty of opportunities to ask more questions afterwards but there's only a single point in time play.

Go and watch your DD in her play. Your PIL will cope without having a doctor to accompany them, as the rest of us do.
Your DD will remember you being there for her last play in primary school but will also remember with sadness if you didn’t go.
And don’t feel you are letting your PIL down. They shouldn’t expect so much from you just because of your profession.

As PP have pointed out, most families don’t have a HCP in the immediate family. As those of us who have supported family members through complex medical treatment therefore know, it’s perfectly possible for intelligent, educated adults to read around the subject and develop an understanding of what the doctors need to explain.

It sounds like OP’s in-laws have relied very heavily on her, and her professional expertise, during this process. This is completely understandable. On this one occasion, however, it’s time for one of their own children to step up and provide some support. It will be very good for them not to leave it all to OP and to develop their own understanding of their father’s condition. I think asking SIL is the right solution.

OP is your DH a GP too?

I don’t think OP has confirmed whether PILs know about the clash. I know that my own parents and my PILs would never, ever allow me to miss DD’s play for their sake.

Sounds as though there are plenty of other relatives who could take their turn at accompanying your in-laws.

They don't need a trained medical professional to sit in on an appointment with another trained medical professional.

It's very fortunate that they have you in the family and you have been very accommodating already, but not everyone has this luxury and they still have to get on and do it.

Could you ask them to take any notes down and offer to go and see them afterwards to talk through things?

"He's unfortunately not in a profession where you can just randomly take days off at short notice"

Is two weeks short notice?

I think that ILs are taking the piss tbh-only having appointments when Op is available?

You said that the appointment is 20 mins before play starts. Is there any way that you could save a seat, go into the hallway, phone ILs and speak to consultant really quickly to get some info and then tell ILs you'll discuss it with them over the phone as soon as play is over? The consultant could give you the quick findings in a couple of mins surely and then you could be back in your seat for play starting?

If not, I think go to the play. But I really think your DH should have asked for the day off to accompany his parents. It's a few weeks away yet and how long have you known about the appointment?

I don't know if it's the same in all primary schools but for my kids it's a really big show and it's really emotional. Your dd will need you there. I have a year six and come hell or high water I will not miss it.
I still feel tearful when I think about ds1's one.

"As those of us who have supported family members through complex medical treatment therefore know, it’s perfectly possible for intelligent, educated adults to read around the subject and develop an understanding of what the doctors need to explain."

I agree with this, BUT I also think that many people just go into freeze-mode in hospital, and they honestly don't hear or understand anything that the doctors are saying. They are scared and overwhelmed, and the system is not always very good at giving printed information to enable checking later on. Many people get the wrong end of the stick wrt what they are being told - and sometimes this leads whole families down blind alleys and causes all kinds of grief because the reality of the situation isn't clear to people (this can be particularly the case where levels of education are low). It really helps to have someone there who is familiar with the disease and the system. I do think OP is offering her in laws something amazing in volunteering to do this, and given that this sounds like the most important appointment - the consultation with the specialist - it would be great if she could hear what was said. But she doesn't need to be physically present - she could Facetime in.

Even in difficult to take time off employment, there has to sometimes be allowances made. I get it is far more difficult and perhaps not possible if he’s a surgeon, aneasthetist etc or working abroad, on an oil rig etc. However, I wouldn’t let his choice of work/employment make me feel bad about not being there for his parents. I’m sure you didn’t sign yourself up to the role of in law caregiver when you married.

Play 100%. You will regret it if not and it is a big deal for you and dc.

Sorry but your DH will be at one of the performances. There is nothing that is saying you have to be there for BOTH of them. I would actually think the last one (when your DH will be there is the most ‘important’)

I would choose to go with your FIL for the simple reason that you have agreed to go to said appointment with them AND they’ve organised it so that it would be on one of your days off.
You have a commitment with them, just like your DH has a commitment with his employers. I would honour that.

OP being a GP is blurring things in a way.

A GP isn't needed to support ILs.

You would think that they would want their son & that he would want to be there.

As those of us who have supported family members through complex medical treatment therefore know, it’s perfectly possible for intelligent, educated adults to read around the subject and develop an understanding of what the doctors need to explain.

Well as someone who HAS been going through a complex medical treatment before and HAS read around the subject (and knows quite a lot about it due to my work anyway), I can tell you that when it’s about YOU, the situation is quite different. You miss things, you forget, you misunderstand, you forget to ask essential questions or the essential questions just don’t come into your mind.
It’s actually much easier to be the supporting person!

If you add the fact that they are elderly, probably don’t know anything about médecine/biology, you can easily understand why they would feel overwhelmed and scared.

diddl I think it shows the trust that her PIL have in her that they want her to be there.
I also think that it make sense for her to be there rather than her DH, if he has no understanding of medicine. My H would be useless in such situation whereas I coud explain and ask questions.
MY PIL tend to ask me rather than H about health and will follow my advise but not his (even if his advice is totally valid)

I can tell you that when it’s about YOU, the situation is quite different.

Yes. That was exactly my point. I'm not talking about advocating for oneself, but speaking from my experience of supporting both of my parents. The 'intelligent, educated adults' I'm referring to are OP's DH and SIL, who need to step up and support their father.