AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

Anyway. The OP wanted handholding. I’m sure she has researched and knows the different sides. I am here as someone who has been through it. It’s not easy but also not the tragedy some people here seem to think it is. My son is a good young man. Kind, bright, giving and funny. I wouldn’t swap that experience of him becoming who he really is for the world. I couldn’t be prouder of him.

Puberty blockers and cross sex hormones have not been declared 100% safe in adults let alone children. There is simply not enough evidence. People are erring well on the side of caution. A child of 14 cannot decide if they will want children later on, blockers can cause sterility cross sex hormones definitely do.

Hormone therapy is reversible.

People were willing to give the OP a hand-holding. Sadly it got derailed by all the "you're all so transphobic!" posters.

Hormone therapy is reversible.

No, it isn't. This stupidity is why people feel sorry for these teenagers. Parents allowing "treatment" that they don't even understand. It's ridiculous.

Hormone therapy is reversible.

Since when?

I was always told it wasn't and that's why I was being given extensive counselling before making the decision to go ahead with it.

Contrabassista There is no proof of that after around six months of taking them. It has to be pointed out, they are off label cancer drugs, very powerful and potent. You can't say they are 100% safe in children, no one knows that. What we do know is some adults who have taken them for their labelled use are now suffering now. One such person posts on MN. I also believe their was an article in the Guardian? about them.

The posts here are clearly transphobic. As I said, don’t rely on “transgender trend” for info but ask a medical professional. They will back up everything I’ve said as I’ve sat in waiting rooms in clinics for the past three years with my son.
He’s handled it with amazing dignity and intelligence. Please don’t get your info from trend or the Daily Mail. It’s simply not true. Look at the work the Tavistock do with trans young people. It’s exemplary.
I have to bow out now as my son has an A level tomorrow and we are going to revise in the park before with a picnic.
Have fun!

Contrabassista If being concerned about off label cancer drugs being given to children makes me a transphobe then I'll take the label. Better that than stick my fingers in my ears and go la la la.

To reply to the last 2 points. You have to be 18 and have lived as your gender for 2 years to even be consider for hormone therapy. It’s not handed out like smarties. It’s not an easy path at all but the benefits when the changes come in are amazing for the trans person. They feel like they always should have. They are simply not given to children.

Any questions, call the amazing Tavistock in Leeds. ‭+44 113 247 1955‬
I’m sure they will put any concerns to rest.

Sorry you're wrong, you can be prescribed blockers at 16, surgery at 18. Dr Helen Webberly (sp) was hauled in-front of the GMC for prescribing them to much younger children.

You don't seem to be grasping that I am trans so I do understand this because I've been through it.

I've deal with counsellors. I've dealt with doctors and all kinds of HCP's. No idea why you think I'm getting my information from the Daily Mail tbh.

Just to clarify for anyone else who hasn't got revision picnics to hurry off to bed for, hormone therapy is not reversible. Even a quick google will let you see the many ways bodies would be changed forever. And that's the changes they know about! Also, to clarify, this isn't from the daily mail or trend. It's facts that anyone can find.

If someone really did spend years with medical professionals treating their child, they'd definitely know the risks. So I'd guess there's a lot of denial going on for some people.

Blockers are not hormone therapy. Guinea I wasn’t referring to you re daily fail but said earlier that you’re a trans woman. Out of interest and if you want to tell me, how old were you when you began transition?

Denial as in having a trans son mid transition? OK. Yes it is reversible. That’s why it has to be taken for their lifetime.

Denial as in denying the irreversible changes you're supporting your child to make to their body. You can say it's reversible all you like but it's not. It has to be taken for life to maintain some aspects. With others, the damage is done.

how old were you when you began transition?

Socially or physically?

Contrabassista I wish your child well but you are wrong. Cross sex hormones have to be taken for life as once the ovaries or testes are removed there is no natural hormones in the body so a synthetic has to replace that.

Ha that’s just wrong factually!! Wow. This is actually quite instructive. The amount of misinformation is quite staggering.

And the snarky comment about taking my son for a picnic in the park as he is revising for his A levels really depicts the depths people will go to in this issue. Night all. xx

I'm not sure if I am reapeating any advice from anyone but I will just say what springs to mind. My friend went through this with her dd who is ASD and also most likely lesbian or bi.

She was very shocked at first (the mum) and tried total denial, which did not work.

She looked into binders and decided no, but allowed her dd to get some sports bras, they went together to shops but some girls may choose to shop alone.

Eventually the mum became very supportive of the fact her dd is almost certainly gay (apparently lesbian is a word young people do not use much these days, very sad I feel, but better to try and use words kids understand).

My friend was very loving and reassuring that she loved her dd and would whatever happened (after a very difficult initial period of denial).

It is sometimes possible to talk without using the child's name or female pronouns (if this causes distress) and say things about them as a fabulous child or person rather than daughter or girl.

If you Google around you can also read up on ROGD (Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria) which I am sure someone has mentioned and there is even a forum for it somewhere.

There is a parenting LGBT children section on Mumsnet, I guess I would take advice with a pinch of salt. Welcome advice from all quarters for yourself but do not show your dd anything you don't want her to see.

This is something that passes for some.

But I would suggest you don't say that or push it because being told this is just a phase is going to make her (most likely) hang on more tightly.

Maybe watch this in a quite moment alone and I hope it makes you feel better...

Penny White talking about her daughter who wanted to be a boy at one time

PS She is still your lovely child, give her lots of love and reassurance, and go slow, slow slow. Haste is, I think, your enemy.

Finding fun and love and happiness in the everyday and being patient will help. And if one day she really does transition in some form, by then it may not feel so terrible and also whatever happens, she really will still always be your child. XXXXX

Guinea, thank you for your compassionate, honest and thoughtful post.

Contrabassia I wish you and your child well; this can't have been an easy path for you.

As far as the OP's daughter is concerned, support her, love her but tread gently and carefully.

There are all sorts of reasons this could be happening:

Social Contagion (there are way too many teens mass identifying as trans inc.non-binary, for contagion not to play a part).

Toxic Femininity; girlhood and womanhood now are placed through a porn soaked lens and are hugely hypersexualised. There is also a higher level of gender conformity around the performance of femininity than I have ever seen. Many girls and young women simply don't recognise themselves in this culture and are rejecting it wholesale. With the loss of strong alternative youth culture, there are very few ways to rebel and gender variance is one.

ASD. My own daughter is ASD, GNC and hates her body. Puberty and adolescence is hellish enough but thrown in a differentiated theory of mind and social understanding and it is very easy to make the leap to thinking that you are wrong or your body is wrong.

Being genuinely trans. This is also a possibility but by far the least likely. It also has potentially irreversible physical effects so go very slow.

For all of the above reasons, support your daughter in taking the time to work out who she is (statistically I'd guess ASC or just utterly rejecting toxic femininity).

There are so many many ways to be a woman and this is getting forgotten in a world that, ironically, is enforcing a strict gender binary more strongly than at any other time in history.

Support your daughter through this but also remind her that she can do pretty much anything boys can doand can look and dress any way she damn well pleases, while being a female (which she can never change)

Young trans men and women are not changing sex; they are living the closest facsimile to the opposite sex that they can. Whatever she does, she will always be biologically female and living as the opposite sex is a hard road to travel and lifelong.

I wish you both love and strength

Agree with the poster who said challenge her on what she thinks 'feeling like a boy' means. Hair? Clothes? Attraction to women? Enjoyment of stereotypically masculine things, rejection or stereotypically female things? None of these mean she can't be a girl. She is just herself. She might hate her body right now, but that's normal for all teens.
I agree with playing it down. You can take it seriously without backing her into a corner with your seriousness if you see what I mean. She might feel unable to change her mind if you are 'fully supportive' to the extent she might even think you want her to continue. It might be embarrassing to admit she was wrong. Be kind but continue to challenge her and if possible block the politically pro-trans sites from her phone/laptop. You don't want her falling down the rabbit hole. Keep her grounded in reality. Treat her normally with zero reference to gender just like most people act every day. Not many people wake up every morning 'feeling' like a man or woman, they just get on with being themselves.

I’ve had to start a new login so I could post on here as it’s been so long! I’m the mother of a child who’s transgender female to male. So far it’s been 4 or 5 years since I found out and as his mother I’m still really struggling to come to terms with it all.

Like my husband has said it’s nothing I’ve done or said. The reason this has happened is probably because we’ve given him the confidence and support to be whomever he wants to be.

Things haven’t changed in the past few years regarding people wanting to change sex, this isn’t a new fad and if people are serious it takes years of talking and discussions before more permanent things such as hormone therapy etc go ahead. The reason we hear about it more if that children are now more confident in what they want to be. They have the world literally at their fingertips and know that if they want to be male, female, gender fluid, pink, green or whatever it is possible. Societal norms now no longer need to hold them back and the world is their oyster.

Binders can be safe if you reasearch first. Buy ones that fit properly and don’t wear them constantly, as yes doing that can damage tissue.

Like has been said it’s possible in a few years that your son decides that actually it’s not how he feels and he wants to go bank to being female. However it’s more than likely he will want to continue down this route and make things more permanent.

I can just really reiterate what my son has said to me, “you don’t have to understand it, you just have to smile and nod and accept who I am.” So no I don’t get it, I’m not happy about it but I will support my child whatever they decide to do.