AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

@GuineaPigsAreReal Great advice at Tue 05-Jun-18 23:33:03.

As far as using masculine name and pronouns I'm not sure on that one, maybe sometimes and at home but maybe being careful not to be 'out' everywhere unless a child really wants that. Because if feelings change it is easier to say that they have if you have limited who you tell and talk to.

That seems to be the case with some friends kids, limited telling people. (I know a few trans identifying children or gender fluid.

Telling people kind of directed by the child. Some children may want to tell parent but not great auntie Margaret who they only see every 4 years.

Mrs Todds, wonderful post. All I would say is that it takes the same amount of courage for a young person to come out as trans as it did as gay in the 80s. My son and his friends are well aware of mumsnet and the transphobia here and in other places and also how they are perceived daily. Comments such as “guy or girl” when they are transitioning can be as hurtful as being called homophobic or sexist slurs.
She can change being female. My son has and is accepted as such. This view while understandable will change because of facts. Hard scientific facts that trans brains are their identified gender shape and make up. There is so much out there in terms of research.

The suicide rate among trans people is way way way over the average. It’s because they are constantly told it’s a phase, fad, and are disowned when they do stick to their guns about their identity. Please please research before you post this stuff. It makes a massive difference to people who read but don’t post.
Also thanks for the lovely private messages. Yes we will make it heard for trans people. Mumsnet, you need to look at this. The “rapists is prison” thread is just appalling.

Gryphon

@AEJS

I also thought of one other thing. My friend went mad shopping with her dd for loose fitting, neutral shades (black and grey and blue) T-shirts and really unisex clothes.

She wanted to buy her dd lots because her dd was wearing lots of tops together to hide her shape.

I saw her dd a few days ago and she is still in neutral shades and kind of unisex clothes but had shorts on and I felt that it was maybe a good sign she was not so covered up!

My friend really was chucked in at the deep end! Her dd had been thinking about this for a while it seemed. So I'd say, say little and neutral and 'supportive' but not agree to anything specific too early. Because you are getting up to speed and learning. XXXXXXXXXXX

Ok some context. My son said he had never had to conform to gender roles cos we lived abroad for most of his childhood and lived in shorts and t shirts. I play double bass for a living that is a pretty male dominated field so am working with mainly men so he said he’d never realised till we got back to the uk that these rules existed. Then he found them unbearable. Literally. We talked a lot. Then went to our gp then to Tavistock. He is gender fluid and we had a wonderful moment before a gig when he asked me to paint his nails outside a rather glam venue just before a gig. Tavistock encourage young people to be playful with their gender. And hell has he done that! It took him to be trans for me to do anything as girly as paint his nails.
He has facial hair but long hair. I asked him why as he looked so like a boy with short hair. He said “how many men do you know with crew cuts?”
Good point.
Gender is how you are. My son is my son. He was a daughter, now he is a son. Simple as that. Same person. Different gender.

Transgender trend is transphobic, yet they advocate the same methods as the Tavistock. Interesting.

Trans brains again, and also blokers reversible, have to be 18 for hormones, therapy is bad, blockers harmless, inflated suicide stats, denial of social contagion element...the usual tripe. Basically.

I have no direct experience of having a transchild (yet, though I expect thi will have mainly blown over by the time my daughter is old enough to get caught up in it all). DSDs best mate is claiming to be trans at the moment though, along with a fair few girls in her year. Its highly likely your child is not actually trans, as most gender questioning children are not. Loads of decent advice given on here, main part is about staying away from Mermaids. Much is claimed about transgender trends apparent transhobia, but its Mermaids who have actually been ordered to stay away from a child under their 'support' and who directed parents to Webberly, along with other questionable stuff. Meanwhile, watchful waiting, as recommended by transgender trend, is the approach preferred by the Tavistock Clinic.

I hope you and your child find happiness. Please ignore the emotional blackmail of 'transition your child at once or they will harm themselves' and such. Thats something else you would get fro Mermaids too, if you did go to them.

No problem. We will just get men to decide what is right for women - after all they are living with us every day so their understanding must be really good

What am analogy! So you basically think that women are permanently underage? and the converse, that parents should abandon their duty of care to their young teenage children.

When I read 'the pill' I didn't think puberty blockers, at 14 surely she is now well into puberty? I thought the contraceptive pill. Which can be taken continuity to stop the period ( I know doctors who do this so please don't attack me)
Yes this is a female hormone. But stops some of those horrible bits of being a girl. Even just to know when it was coming can help and I do know people who were on it young and it's common to do

My son said he had never had to conform to gender roles cos we lived abroad for most of his childhood and lived in shorts and t shirts. I play double bass for a living that is a pretty male dominated field so am working with mainly men so he said he’d never realised till we got back to the uk that these rules existed. Then he found them unbearable.

Many, many women and girls in the uk and elsewhere find those gender roles unbearable too. It's because those roles are wrong, not the bodies of the women and girls.

Many women in the uk and elsewhere do not conform to those gender roles but girls, especially the around the age of OP's daughter, find the pressure to conform very difficult. Peer pressure has always been a problem at this age.

Oh my gosh, I am horrified by the ignorance shown on this thread.

OP, there is nothing bad about gender dysphoria. Your child is still wonderful and perfect.

Please love, support and listen to your child. Ask for help from experts, not bigots on the internet.

Trans children are far more likely to attempt suicide than their gender conforming peers so please realise that your acceptance and support is important and one of the best ways of keeping your child alive and well.

I don’t think the views of mumsnet on this issue are reflective of society as a whole. Among educated people, gender differences are accepted

GuineaPigs, your post is so thoughtful and helpful, if I was in OP's position, I'd copy and paste it and show it to my child.

OP, my heart goes out to you, this must be such a shock. But your child is still the child you love, and I hope you find the strength to support them in the best possible way.

I'm not quite sure what the phrase 'gender differences are accepted' means in this context.

It might mean 'Some people accept that a percentage of human beings perceive a variance between the gender they identify with most strongly and their biological sex.' Or it might not.

I think part of being educated is that one has the ability to take a critical view of current gender ideology and that this means quite a lot of different factors are brought into play while attempting to weigh up what is in a teenager's long-term interests. Education also involves an ability to be sceptical of assertions and a wish to weigh up evidence.

OP, there is nothing bad about gender dysphoria.

My child has been suffering from gender dysphoria for years, around 7 years actually.

I wouldn't wish gender dysphoria on my worst enemy, it effects my child's whole being, they are not happy with themselves at all, no confidence, self harm, struggle with friendships and they are pretty miserable a lot of the time.

Saying there is nothing bad about gender dysphoria is the biggest load of crap I've read in a long time. Clearly written by someone who hasn't lived with the pain of their child who suffers from it.

And indeed, as mentioned above ASD which is often not dx in girls, plus possibility of being gay are huge factors here.
This was me (without the trans bit) - I was a tomboy (as much as I was allowed), totally not feminine. Now I'm autistic and gay. I don't feel particularly female, but equally I have no desire to be male (though being able to pee anywhere so easily does appeal). I guess I'm stuck in the middle where I don't really identify with anyone!

Please love, support and listen to your child. Ask for help from experts, not bigots on the internet.

Can you quote some of the bigoted responses? Or at least report them if they're so bad. Or is it just the general questioning or advice that massive, dangerous, irreversible steps don't need to be taken immediately that is so bigoted and transphobic; the lack of blind acceptance?

There is no transphobia on this thread, just concern and common sense. You realise that people don't actually care about being labelled bigoted or transphobic anymore don't you? The terms are so overused that they are fast becoming meaningless to anyone with an ounce of life experience and common sense.

I don’t think the views of mumsnet on this issue are reflective of society as a whole. Among educated people, gender differences are accepted

Very true. I think it's so sad this thread was hijacked by people want to push their anti trans agenda.

It's also weird how people say 'well I felt this way at 14' - that was you! Not the OP's child. It's strange people cannot empathise with feelings outside of their own life experience.

Being concerned is not being transphobic, I would be concerned/ anxious if my kids decided to do lots of things. Becoming a monk /nun, going to live in a remote area with no access to the usual facilities, getting a tattoo all over the face? I am not making fun or minimizing distress, but it seems we are not allowed to be genuinely upset or concerned about our children's choices in life.

And I am not anti trans

It's not anti trans to provide balanced information. I think it's sad that so many people seem to demand everyone blindly encourage someone to support their child in irreversible extreme measures when actually there could be other issues at play too. I

think it's sad that these type of threads get hijacked by militant parents who think that because they've bought into the whole thing, everyone else must too. Especially when it's people who don't seem to understand the treatment (and it's risks) that they're helping their child to access. And even more so when it's people who try to make it a "let them do it or they'll kill themself" scare type situation.

It's also weird how people say 'well I felt this way at 14' - that was you! Not the OP's child.

This makes me laugh though. What is every person who comes on here talking about their child's trans situation doing? The exact same thing! 😂😂😂

Asking aibu for advice about transgender is like asking r/incel for advice on dating women

Gryfon22

Beautiful post

I did some pretty stupid things when I was a teenager, none led to lasting harm thank goodness. Perhaps I do remember what it was like to be young and very sure of what I wanted. Time has proved me wrong.

Research binders properly. Cheap ones can be harmful, and even good quality ones can cause damage if used poorly.

Be supportive in every way possible. You won't know everything straight away, but you'll learn, and your DS will need support. Especially from family.

I haven't rtft but you and your dc should be aware that the pill can make your breasts bigger so going on the pill could swap one problem for another one

rosesandflowers

Research binders properly. Cheap ones can be harmful, and even good quality ones can cause damage if used poorly

so far OPs son will use good quality ones and make sure they are used properly so no harm can be done.

Cheap cars can be dangerous and good quality ones can also be dangerous too if not driven properly